By Charlie529 - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - South Africa - New Germany

Musical interlude

Today, I had satanic gastric distress. Attempting to make light of this fact, and, being incredibly bored and seemingly alone at work, I managed to fart the intro to "Smoke on the Water" perfectly. Somebody clapped. FML

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Charlie529 tells us more :

My nick's misleading, but that is my name and I am a girl! Anyways. Thought I'd tell you all that I didn't get fired (O.o)/ However, I did have to give him (boss) an (exceptionally awkward) explanation because he thought I was watching funny youtube videos. He just keeps giving me the weirdest/funniest friggin' looks, and now uses the the keyword "Deep Purple" to get me to make him coffee. This acrid event seems to have made us friends. Thankfully my bowels have re-aligned to perfectly silent working condition. God, I hope he doesn't bring this up at the next work party. /dies

Health

Walk on the wild side

Psychotic

Slasher

By PoorGramps - United States

Today, my greatgrandpa came over for dinner. Halfway through the meal, he pooped himself. My family went through the rest of the meal acting like we hadn't noticed to avoid embarassment. As it was coming to an end, my sister came home and immediately yelled, "Ew! Did someone poop?" He cried. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Trenton

Today, I left my dog in the car while I quickly ran into a store. I came out to a woman smashing at my window, screaming that it was too hot in the car for the dog and saying I was being inhumane. The car was still running and the air conditioning was on. FML

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By SilverZephyr - United States - Marion

Today, I asked out a girl that I've liked for a while. She thought I was joking and laughed, saying, "No. Have you met yourself?" FML

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By unknown - France

Today, I went on my fifth date with my new girlfriend. Apparently, she was in such a rush while leaving work that she forgot to take off her wedding ring. FML

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By SpiderFather - France

Today, my seven-year-old son put a spider in the microwave. Animal cruelty? No. The goal was to irradiate it, then get it to bite him so that he would become Spider-Man. FML

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By parentalissues - United States

Today, whilst on a phone interview with a college I really want to go to, my mother picks up the other line and shouts into the phone "She's not going to college, she's lazy and she'll only disappoint you." The interviewer hung up before I could say anything. FML

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By :| - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I was assigned to fill in for a French teacher who was out sick. I had asked the class to name some French-speaking countries. I called on one girl and she replied, "Uh, Europe. That's, like, the only other one, right?" Nobody disagreed. I'm filling in for the rest of the month. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up to fresh coffee, pancakes, and the sight of my dad digging a grave in the backyard for my dog. FML

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By storyofmylife - United States

Today, I spilled my heart out to a guy by showing him one of my poetry journals. He read through it and said, "Wow, I feel sorry for the guy you wrote about." The poems were all about how I loved him. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was prescribed two different medications. I was also informed that they will both give me diarrhea for the next two weeks. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my dad decided I was too hairy and taught me to shave. This would be a great bonding experience if I weren't a girl. FML

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By Lou - United Kingdom

Today, I went to the supermarket; it was taking me ages to walk home because of the heavy food bags. Halfway home, I realised I had gone in my car. I had to walk all the way back to get my car. FML

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By GoogleOFF - 7/7/2020 08:08

Alexa, fuck off

Today, my Google Home decided the TV told it to play 'Despacito'. It didn't. Google then decided I wasn't yelling at it to turn it off. I was. FML

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By acorn - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my mother making arrangements to go to a dinner tonight where I will be honored for my political activism. She made it clear she's only going for me, and does NOT support the gay rights group that is putting the dinner on. I was planning on coming out after dinner. FML

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By heretoserve - United States - Winchester

Today, I got yelled, screamed, and cursed at by a customer until I was reduced to tears. This was all because I double-checked to make sure she wanted large fries. FML

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By unfriendlyskies - United States - Central Falls

Today, I called an airline's customer service line. Apparently the way that they deal with uncommon problems is by having someone put you on hold for twenty minutes, answer and yell something unintelligible at you, put you back on hold, and repeat. This went on for over an hour. FML

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By OMGraven - United States

Today, I returned home to find that my boyfriend's dog had gotten into the garbage and ripped all my used pads to shreds. There's a trail of Always tatters leading to his dog bed, and blood everywhere. My blood. Oh God. FML

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By roar_shark - Canada

Today, I was driving home from my friend's house and noticed this really cute girl riding her bike. She had an amazing body, beautiful blonde hair and looked like my kind of girl! About 10 minutes after I got home, my sister pulled up. She had just biked home from the hair salon. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I have a busy day of college work ahead of me. I figured I'd best have a good breakfast. Then I realised I'd completely ran out of food except for various types of sauces and condiments. So what am I having for breakfast today? That's right. A nice cup of Gravy. FML

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By suspended - United States - Englewood

Today, I had to call a coworker to the office via the store intercom. The damn thing didn't turn off properly and everyone heard me say "I hate that asshole. Just be where your dumb ass should be." I realized my mistake a few seconds before my manager stormed in and threatened to fire me. FML

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By MGDS - United States - Pine Grove

Today, I had to take an oral examination. I made it to the last part of the exam, then violently threw up in the middle of my answer. FML

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By deadandwasted - United States

Today, I halted a cab. It was 12 degrees and snowing outside. When I went to get in, a man shoved me away and I slipped on ice into dirty snow slush, and he stole my cab. As it drove off, the man flipped me off. FML

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By punchedhelper - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I saw an old man struggling with three bags, so I offered to carry them for him. He must not have heard me because when I bent down to take the bags, he thought I was stealing them and punched me in the face. FML

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By st3phani3b - United States - Fort Wayne

Today, I'm stuck at home waiting on a plumber to come fix the flooding in my basement. The flooding happens when any sink, shower, or toilet in the house is used. Today is also the day that I started my period. Without water. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I had to listen to my brother whine yet again about being single and how unfair it is. This is a guy who owns an "I fuck on the first date" t-shirt and has more than once referred to women as "vaginas with a person attached". Last time I called him out for being such a dick, I got punched. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got to experience the horror of my wife's pregnancy. She woke me up abruptly at 5 am by throwing up all over me due to her terrible morning sickness, then ate pickles covered in mayonnaise, and later dropped to the floor sobbing when I told her we were out of dog food. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a call from the Hollister manager yelling at me for not showing up for work that night. I was never informed I got the job. I missed my first day of work. FML

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By Sicko - France

Today, it was really hot in my house so I pulled my shorts down so I was just in my boxers. My family and I were watching tv and I got a spontaneous erection. When I discreetly tried to pull my shorts back up, my penis flipped out of my boxers. FML

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By unknown - United States - Tulare

Today, I was walking to the gym when the woman in front of me dropped some cash. I picked it up and tried to get her attention. She saw the money and thought I was trying to pay her to sleep with me. FML

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By krh14 - United States - Crofton

Today, my girlfriend was feeling a little down, so I tried to console her. She said she just needed space and I respected that. Then an hour later she was fine, so I asked how she did it. She replied that she talked to her ex for a whole hour. This is a common procedure. FML

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By yayaimannoying - United States

Today, I posted a pic of my prom dress on facebook. The dress looked amazing on me and it just felt so right. So I spent every single dollar I had and some borrowed to buy the dress. When I logged on later that night, the first comment asked "Is this a joke?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home to a dead fish duct-taped to the wall of my dorm room. I can't reach it. FML

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By Out from Hell - United States - Woodstock

Today, I got so drunk I called my ex-boyfriend and confessed my love to him. All in front of my current boyfriend. FML

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By danyelicindereli - United States

Today, I was standing around looking out the window at work when it became really dark and windy and started to pour. I watched a shopping cart fly across the parking lot thinking how funny it'd be if it hit someone's car. It hit mine. I need a new headlight. FML

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By Sylvania - United States

Today, I was playing a medieval game with my brother, when he took all of his character's clothes off and said, "Let's have sex!" I looked at him and said, "UH YOU ARE MY BROTHER!" He turns and looks at me, smiling and says, "But not in the game!" I am a 19 year old girl. He is 12. FML

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By Anurag1903 - 8/2/2021 12:31 - India

It ain't over til it's over

Today, finally in a the right state of mind to move on from my ex, she dropped a nuke in my life by stating she's getting married. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Criminal Minds

Today, I had to go to the ER because of a terrible allergic reaction I had to the cookies my "friend" made for me. She assured me several times that there were no nuts in them. Turns out, she put nuts in them on purpose, to see whether or not I was really allergic. FML

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By captfml - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom in a rush to get ready. Without thinking, I put hand soap on my toothbrush. I didn't notice until it was already in my mouth. FML

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By Charles Pennington - United States

Today, I found out that my new roommate got kicked out of his old house because he pulled a gun on his old roommates and threatened them. The reason? They nagged him about dishes he left in the sink. Well, only 10 months left on the lease. FML

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By must.not.itch. - United States - Hayward

Today, on the bright side, my boobs grew a size. Unfortunately, this was only after bed bugs decided to attack my nipples. FML

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Top comments

By shivamtrivedi | 24

#5862968 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 18:56

Wow. That must have been a hell of a performance.

By olpally | 32

#5862969 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 18:57

That's freaking hilarious and awesome! Lol. Hope you get promoted!

COMMENTS

By shivamtrivedi | 24

#5862968 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 18:56

Wow. That must have been a hell of a performance.

seth7_ | 22

#5862986 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 19:01

It was his boss that clapped too. That makes it even more impressive.

shivamtrivedi | 24

#5862988 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 19:03

I don't care who you are or where you're from. All I know is that I'm stealing your profile pic.
And we don't know it was his boss for sure...

Ilmoran | 20

#5862989 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 19:04

16, read OPs username. Also, OP is a she.

shivamtrivedi | 24

#5862991 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 19:05

I'm sorry. I didn't see the username. It hilarious how the OP informs that it was his boss via the title.

jairienfaite | 20

#5863075 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 20:52

OP's boss must be fun to be around if he/she simply claped about it.

alycion | 38

#5863409 - Thursday 20 February 2014 4:29

Be proud op. That's talent.

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5863452 - Thursday 20 February 2014 5:28

Can you do The Final Countdown?!...

By olpally | 32

#5862969 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 18:57

That's freaking hilarious and awesome! Lol. Hope you get promoted!

Soloman212 | 28

#5863191 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 23:03

I'm pretty sure the reason this is an FML is that OP is worried that her clear superiority over her boss will scare him into firing her, for fear of her taking his job.

IHATEFMYLIFE | 26

#5863424 - Thursday 20 February 2014 4:50

72: What?!? ¯_(ツ)_/¯

Axipiter | 24

#5863521 - Thursday 20 February 2014 7:16

95, I think I stand for most people here when I say, Don't EVER do that again...

Soloman212 | 28

#5863744 - Thursday 20 February 2014 13:58

What I'm saying is that this was an impressive display on OP's part.

By FitForFun | 11

#5862970 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 18:57

At least it didn't turn into a shitty situation.

I know, this pun is bad, and I do feel bad.

cyttex | 13

#5863071 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 20:50

Then why did you write it?

breakinlegs | 19

#5863085 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 21:10

Didn't your mom tell you if you don't have anything witty, humorous, or passionate to say then shut your damn mouth.

rocker_chick105 | 31

#5863228 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 23:37

3- Don't quit your day job...

Traitoro | 9

#5863398 - Thursday 20 February 2014 3:48

No 61 it's if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all.

IHATEFMYLIFE | 26

#5863430 - Thursday 20 February 2014 4:55

93: I'm sure that 61 knows the correct phrase. Can't you tell they were making a joke?

TunaFireStarter | 16

#5863497 - Thursday 20 February 2014 6:44

@96, can't you tell 93 was making a joke?

J_Kertz | 14

#5863580 - Thursday 20 February 2014 8:35

I think #3 just realized that they were going to get one of the top three comments and got stage fright.

By Ihavegas | 22

#5862971 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 18:57

just awesome

zandalee | 19

#5863337 - Thursday 20 February 2014 2:08

So jealous of the skill involved in this right now...

Ihavegas | 22

#5863616 - Thursday 20 February 2014 10:33

it takes ass control or buns of steel I don't know I never hold it in.

By seth7_ | 22

#5862972 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 18:58

You should be proud, that's really impressive.

TheDrifter | 23

#5863078 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 20:59

Yeah, the long note at the end can get messy.

Redoxx_fml | 22

#5863081 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 21:05

Impressive and fitting since by the end of that there probably was smoke on the toilet water

By ItsMeDiegoG | 8

#5862973 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 18:58

When are you coming to Vegas?

By shivamtrivedi | 24

#5862974 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 18:58

You should try and come up with new tunes and give more performances. Go on a talent show, get famous, get rich and sell fart noises on iTunes....
I think my comment was too extreme. Sorry guys, my final examinations are messing up my mind.