By Charlie529 - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - South Africa - New Germany

Musical interlude

Today, I had satanic gastric distress. Attempting to make light of this fact, and, being incredibly bored and seemingly alone at work, I managed to fart the intro to "Smoke on the Water" perfectly. Somebody clapped. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47724

You deserved it

14080

Favorite

Charlie529 tells us more :

My nick's misleading, but that is my name and I am a girl! Anyways. Thought I'd tell you all that I didn't get fired (O.o)/ However, I did have to give him (boss) an (exceptionally awkward) explanation because he thought I was watching funny youtube videos. He just keeps giving me the weirdest/funniest friggin' looks, and now uses the the keyword "Deep Purple" to get me to make him coffee. This acrid event seems to have made us friends. Thankfully my bowels have re-aligned to perfectly silent working condition. God, I hope he doesn't bring this up at the next work party. /dies

Health

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Delayed proposal

By kennarama - United States

Today, I sat a client down for his haircut. He pulled off his hat and his hair was dripping wet. I asked him if he had just washed it. He responded, "No, but isn't it a hot day out?" No, it's twenty degrees and overcast today. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29500

You deserved it

2529

Favorite

By ElephantLover - United States - San Diego

Today, my grandma added to my elephant collection by giving me some underwear with elephant ears on the hips, and a long, sock-like nose. She has no idea they're meant for a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55702

You deserved it

5368

Favorite

By anon - United States

Today, I fainted because of a condition I have. My husband, who was standing right there, failed to catch me because he didn't want to drop his yogurt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38089

You deserved it

4164

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a UTI and the doctor said the medicine can sometimes make you leak a little. "Leak a little" apparently translates into peeing all over myself, my boyfriend, and his bed while we were sleeping. The doctor also said this medicine can stain your urine a beautiful, bright orange color. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38294

You deserved it

2964

Favorite

By maddie - 15/5/2020 05:00

Gross

Today, while I was working the drive-thru window, a customer sneezed into his hand and then handed me his money. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1620

You deserved it

116

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I was playing with my hedgehog and he started licking my face. I thought it was super cute, until he latched onto my eyelid with his teeth. He then created a ball of saliva and blood and coated his body in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4747

You deserved it

1002

Favorite

By Coolios - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, I bumped into my parents at the mall. They didn't tell me they were around. I live 5,000 miles away, in a different country from them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63745

You deserved it

3888

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my girlfriend said I could only take her virginity while I have a flaccid penis, so I won't hurt her. I get hard from just staring at her covered ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44635

You deserved it

6356

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, after weeks of allowing my parents to borrow money, I got a check for $2000. I took it to the bank only to find out it was fake. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32132

You deserved it

3344

Favorite

By SadMother - United States - South Windsor

Today, I overheard my daughter talking to her boyfriend over the phone about having sex. She said, "You have to piss on me to get me pregnant, that's what I heard anyway." She's 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50696

You deserved it

11857

Favorite

By reginaphalange - Australia

Today, I found out that my best friend was having a birthday party and I wasn't invited. I had just finished planning a surprise party for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44722

You deserved it

3309

Favorite

By knobbed - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, I got a black eye while trying to break up a fight caused by some complete bastard making a "yo momma" joke at the funeral of my best friend's mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58810

You deserved it

4864

Favorite

By Anonymous - Croatia

Family values

Today, my 11-year-old cousin walked up to me as I was enjoying a glass of wine with friends at my mother's birthday party. Thinking she wouldn't like it anyway, I let her try. The little fucker drank the entire glass in one go, adding, "Usually, daddy gives me vodka." Good to know what my family is up to. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1414

You deserved it

498

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was hot out, so I opted to stay cool and wear my bathing suit all day. My mom took it as me rubbing in the fact that I'm thinner than her and grounded me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40755

You deserved it

5630

Favorite

By Squashed - United States

Today, my 250 pound boyfriend was on top of me while we were making out. I actually passed out in the middle of it from not being able to breathe. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53025

You deserved it

22814

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that the new management position I'm supposed to start in two days was delayed for a month and a half. I already quit my current job and called my boss gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10838

You deserved it

55368

Favorite

By waterpistolriot - 23/10/2020 11:02 - Austria

Keeping up appearances

Today, I ordered food for delivery. I actually made it sound as if there were other people at home so I had an excuse for ordering so much. I don't think they bought it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

432

You deserved it

741

Favorite

By Tony - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom about who I wanted to ask to prom. I told her the names of the girls I was thinking of asking and she replied, "They'll say no, but you can always go with one of your cousins." FML

I agree, your life sucks

64121

You deserved it

3274

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Little Rock

Today, after a long couple of months working non-stop, I finally got someone to cover my shift. Turns out she was joking, and when I didn't show up for work, I had been fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47752

You deserved it

3662

Favorite

By maggu - Denmark

Today, my mom started referring to me as "The Bitch". When I asked her why, she said that I have always been a bitch, but I was never old enough for her to actually call me a bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31085

You deserved it

7381

Favorite

By fuckyou

Today, my girlfriend took me to see my favorite band live. Afterwards, we were lucky enough to run into the lead guitarist, who promptly asked her if she'd like to go back to his hotel room. She accepted. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2785

You deserved it

184

Favorite

By Gregory - France

Today, while shopping for a pair of shoes, I saw a pair I really liked lying around, so I sat down to try them on. Then, a man came up to me and pointed out that they were actually his shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27356

You deserved it

6300

Favorite

By ruffrider - United States

Today, I decided to send my boyfriend a pic text of me naked. I accidentally sent it to my dad and got a text back saying, "You definitely take after your mom." FML

I agree, your life sucks

37616

You deserved it

65184

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Maybole

Today, a man asked about fishing in the river which flows beside where I work. I said you could, but anything you caught under 5 inches has to be thrown back. His wife then said, "Wish I knew that before I married him." I started to laugh. The man almost cried and complained to my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49063

You deserved it

8247

Favorite

By foreveralone - 10/7/2020 17:04

Waiting for that special someone

Today, just like at every gynecologist's appointment in the last 5 years, I had to yet again explain that no, I'm not a virgin at 27 because I'm waiting till marriage, I'm just a loser that no-one wants to sleep with. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1521

You deserved it

184

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Coraopolis

Today, the boy who sits next to me in class accidentally dropped his sketch pad. It turns out he's really talented at drawing portraits. They're so good that I could recognize myself in all of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50207

You deserved it

7723

Favorite

By Walking in a Winter Wonderland - United States - Jupiter

Today, my dandruff got so bad that when I sneezed on the bus, it created a "blizzard" of dandruff, covering me, and two others in it. I'm now known as "Winter Wonderland". FML

I agree, your life sucks

10267

You deserved it

2856

Favorite

By ninja_blasphemer - Ireland

Today, I went on a date with a seemingly nice guy I met online. He was drunk when I got there. Within the first 10 minutes, he had told me I was "like Hitler but with boobs", and I was "offensive to the ninja community." Then he said I just wasn't all he had hoped for and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34948

You deserved it

7772

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw an attractive, thin woman eating a salad. Trying to be smooth, I approached her and told her that she didn't need to eat so scarcely, because she was beautiful. She promptly gave me a dirty look and informed me that she was a vegetarian. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12643

You deserved it

50276

Favorite

By Wheresthebeefz - United States

Today, I tried to save a dying bird I found on the sidewalk. I got a parking ticket for $114 in front of the animal hospital. I later found out the bird died. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29845

You deserved it

7873

Favorite

By Missy - Australia

Today, my parents had a fight as to which one of them is the most cultured. As a result, they've begun writing my chore lists in a variety of languages. If I don't do them, I'm grounded. I only speak English. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30026

You deserved it

3375

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, after three weeks in the hospital for a lung infection, I was released. On the way home, another car ran a red light and T-boned my car. Back to the hospital I go. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4610

You deserved it

174

Favorite

By junior07

Today, I gave my niece a $100 bill instead of a $10 so she could buy ice cream. When I realized my mistake, she never returned it but thanked me and gave me a big hug. Now I don't have money for gas or food all week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3536

You deserved it

1929

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Got a little a carried away there, Skippy

Today, one of the houses had actors with chainsaws. I ran away screaming and slammed into a wall. So much for being macho this Halloween. FML

I agree, your life sucks

676

You deserved it

1234

Favorite

By NotYourTracy

Today, while on the bus, I started a conversation with the person next to me. After a little back and forth, she finally said, "Do you think people will stop talking to me if I say I have aids?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

2293

You deserved it

654

Favorite

By Anonymous - 9/10/2020 02:00

Passionate

Today, my boyfriend and I got intimate in an alley. He pushed me up against a wall and started kissing me, but he pushed me so hard I cut open my head and needed 10 stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1028

You deserved it

245

Favorite

By customerservicesucks - Canada

Today, I spent half an hour on the phone with a woman who was yelling at the top of her lungs, sobbing uncontrollably and hyperventilating. She also told me if she had a heart attack and died from crying, it was all my fault. Why? I told her she needed her receipt to have her T.V. repaired. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34901

You deserved it

2999

Favorite

By 1234567898765432 - Canada

Today, I was going to a stoplight party. Green shirt=single, yellow=hard to get and red=taken. I show up wearing a red shirt and I see my boyfriend in a green shirt. Thinking it was a mistake, I ask him jokingly why he isn't wearing red. He looks at me weird and says, "Oh, you didn't get my text?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

113017

You deserved it

6057

Favorite

By latepayer - United States

Today, I found out that I owed my school $0.20. They decided to charge me a late fee of $20 for deferring the intial payment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30770

You deserved it

4030

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I stubbed my toe against the corner of my bed, causing me to gasp and moan in pain. My parents overheard, and now I'm getting the full coming of age talk and how I shouldn't lie about what I was doing. I didn't do anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47363

You deserved it

4653

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By shivamtrivedi | 24

#5862968 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 18:56

Wow. That must have been a hell of a performance.

By olpally | 32

#5862969 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 18:57

That's freaking hilarious and awesome! Lol. Hope you get promoted!

COMMENTS

By shivamtrivedi | 24

#5862968 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 18:56

Wow. That must have been a hell of a performance.

seth7_ | 22

#5862986 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 19:01

It was his boss that clapped too. That makes it even more impressive.

shivamtrivedi | 24

#5862988 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 19:03

I don't care who you are or where you're from. All I know is that I'm stealing your profile pic.
And we don't know it was his boss for sure...

Ilmoran | 20

#5862989 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 19:04

16, read OPs username. Also, OP is a she.

shivamtrivedi | 24

#5862991 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 19:05

I'm sorry. I didn't see the username. It hilarious how the OP informs that it was his boss via the title.

jairienfaite | 20

#5863075 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 20:52

OP's boss must be fun to be around if he/she simply claped about it.

alycion | 38

#5863409 - Thursday 20 February 2014 4:29

Be proud op. That's talent.

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5863452 - Thursday 20 February 2014 5:28

Can you do The Final Countdown?!...

By olpally | 32

#5862969 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 18:57

That's freaking hilarious and awesome! Lol. Hope you get promoted!

Soloman212 | 28

#5863191 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 23:03

I'm pretty sure the reason this is an FML is that OP is worried that her clear superiority over her boss will scare him into firing her, for fear of her taking his job.

IHATEFMYLIFE | 26

#5863424 - Thursday 20 February 2014 4:50

72: What?!? ¯_(ツ)_/¯

Axipiter | 24

#5863521 - Thursday 20 February 2014 7:16

95, I think I stand for most people here when I say, Don't EVER do that again...

Soloman212 | 28

#5863744 - Thursday 20 February 2014 13:58

What I'm saying is that this was an impressive display on OP's part.

By FitForFun | 11

#5862970 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 18:57

At least it didn't turn into a shitty situation.

I know, this pun is bad, and I do feel bad.

cyttex | 13

#5863071 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 20:50

Then why did you write it?

breakinlegs | 19

#5863085 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 21:10

Didn't your mom tell you if you don't have anything witty, humorous, or passionate to say then shut your damn mouth.

rocker_chick105 | 31

#5863228 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 23:37

3- Don't quit your day job...

Traitoro | 9

#5863398 - Thursday 20 February 2014 3:48

No 61 it's if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all.

IHATEFMYLIFE | 26

#5863430 - Thursday 20 February 2014 4:55

93: I'm sure that 61 knows the correct phrase. Can't you tell they were making a joke?

TunaFireStarter | 16

#5863497 - Thursday 20 February 2014 6:44

@96, can't you tell 93 was making a joke?

J_Kertz | 14

#5863580 - Thursday 20 February 2014 8:35

I think #3 just realized that they were going to get one of the top three comments and got stage fright.

By Ihavegas | 22

#5862971 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 18:57

just awesome

zandalee | 19

#5863337 - Thursday 20 February 2014 2:08

So jealous of the skill involved in this right now...

Ihavegas | 22

#5863616 - Thursday 20 February 2014 10:33

it takes ass control or buns of steel I don't know I never hold it in.

By seth7_ | 22

#5862972 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 18:58

You should be proud, that's really impressive.

TheDrifter | 23

#5863078 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 20:59

Yeah, the long note at the end can get messy.

Redoxx_fml | 22

#5863081 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 21:05

Impressive and fitting since by the end of that there probably was smoke on the toilet water

By ItsMeDiegoG | 8

#5862973 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 18:58

When are you coming to Vegas?

By shivamtrivedi | 24

#5862974 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 18:58

You should try and come up with new tunes and give more performances. Go on a talent show, get famous, get rich and sell fart noises on iTunes....
I think my comment was too extreme. Sorry guys, my final examinations are messing up my mind.