Today, I dried my hands on the same towel I used this morning...

By Anonymous - 4/3/2011 17:18 - Germany

Today, I dried my hands on the same towel I used this morning to wipe up a few shards of glass. You can't see the small splinters in my hands, but believe me, I can feel them. FML

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Health

Who's a good boy?

Don't give up

Higher standards

By Baikal - 12/5/2013 04:09 - Singapore

Today, my cousin thought it would be funny to make copies of my house keys and give it to random people on the street. I live alone and work a 12 hour shift daily. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/4/2009 18:12 - United States

Today, I was running the register at my work and this big lady pulls her wad of cash out of her bra and hands it to me. The bills she handed me were moist. FML

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By HarvestMoon_gal - 24/7/2010 05:09 - United States

Today, I was cleaning a pan. I turned the water on, and it was super hot. My reaction was to slam my hand down. On a knife. So, not only do I have a burned hand, but there's also a huge cut on it from the knife. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2012 23:35 - United States - Wichita

Today, I decided to look at the pictures my mom took during my birthday a couple of weeks ago. Every single one is of my sister. Her lighting the candles, her watching me open presents, and her eating cake. The only pictures of me are in the background. FML

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By fd_uplife - 5/7/2009 16:46 - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of two years broke up with me because she wants to "become" a lesbian. I also learned that she's coming to my house for dinner tonight. My sister is her date. FML

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By aurora320 - 19/7/2016 19:50 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, when confronting my boyfriend about slapping a girl's ass in the club, he claimed: "There was a mosquito on it." FML

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By Coccinelle - 5/2/2016 16:36 - France

Today, while at work at a small Microsoft partner company, I had to write an email explaining why Internet Explorer is superior to Google Chrome. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2018 15:00

Today, after spending 12 hours desperately searching everywhere I could think of, I'm forced to admit I left my wedding ring in the bathroom of the hotel suite we just spent our honeymoon in, on the literal other side of the planet. I am a dead man. FML

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By thankskimi - 15/3/2009 18:29 - United States

Today, my first girlfriend of over 3 years left me for another guy. She said she's looking for someone who can financially provide for her in the future. The dude owns a T-Mobile kiosk. I'm going to medical school. FML

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By bonertoolong - 23/11/2011 08:19 - United States

Today, I tried to teach my dog tricks. Somehow, I thought it would be easier if I physically showed my dog how to roll, so I rolled on the floor in front of my dog. My sister recorded me and posted it on Facebook. Now everyone thinks I'm an idiot and my dog still can't roll. FML

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By Savannah - 7/2/2017 10:00 - United States - Spring Hill

Today, I went to the doctor for a suspicious lump under my armpit, so he suggested a breast examination. While pressing all over them he said : "We're gonna have to send you for an X-ray because you have the most lumpy breasts I've ever felt in my life." FML

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By Sean - 25/12/2009 00:36 - United States

Today, my parents were having a Christmas party. They went out to get the vodka in our garage fridge, only to find most of it was frozen. Knowing vodka doesn't freeze, they soon realized that I had been taking some and refilling it with water over the past two months. FML

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By Nekro_Kat - 10/8/2011 03:00 - United States

Today, I got caught trying to steal my own cat back from my neighbor. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2013 01:11 - United States - Vancouver

Today, while researching tea etiquette for Sunday's tea, I read, "to put milk in your tea before sugar is to cross the path of love, perhaps never to marry." I suddenly panicked that this very lack of knowledge is why I haven't met a man who wants to marry me, and that I never will. I'm only 23. FML

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By keelah - 27/6/2014 21:57 - United States - Montgomery

Today, my cousin asked me what it's like to be so fat. I chastised him and said that was a rude thing to ask. He apologized, then asked me what it's like to be such a pussy. He didn't stop until he, a 10 year old kid, had reduced me, a 26 year old woman, to tears. FML

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By swirkishly - 24/11/2011 16:06 - United States

Today, I was walking through my house when I noticed bits of plaster falling from the ceiling. Against all logic, I looked up, receiving a fragment directly in the eyeball. FML

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By thatssickkk - 17/2/2010 06:40 - United States

Today, my grandmother decided to tell me about her past as a prostitute. In full detail. FML

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By happy birthday to me - 5/12/2013 05:14 - United States

Today, I had to explain to half of my class that yes, my birthday is on the same day as Hitler's, but no, it does not make me a Nazi. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2009 19:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me out to dinner, which we never do. While at the restaurant he gets down on his knees, looks me in the eyes, and pulls out a little box. He opens it and inside is a note that says 'We're Done.' He then leaves me at the restaurant with the bill and the $2.00 box. FML

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By fredfredburger - 25/6/2014 17:45 - United States - Imperial

Today, I went on a date with the girl I like, to see The Fault In Our Stars. She didn't cry, but I did. Twice, hard. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2015 03:06 - United States - Tyler

Today, a customer at my coffee shop bitched me out because we don't sell cranberry juice. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2009 19:21 - United States

Today, I found out that the girl I've been in love with for a long while got back together with her ex boyfriend because he had confessed his true feelings to her through a note in her locker. It was my note. FML

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By stillsingleladies - 17/2/2009 15:27 - United States

Today, my lesbian sister enthusiastically showed me her new strap on. Not only does she get more girls than me, she now has a bigger penis too. FML

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By colorblind - 5/7/2009 21:49 - United States

Today, I found one of those online color blindness tests where you have to distinguish a colored number from the pattern. Not being able to, I spent hundreds of dollars on medical tests to discover that the pattern online was a joke. FML

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By SMS123 - 25/6/2010 19:42 - United States

Today, I was eating lunch with my boyfriend when I started choking. My boyfriend took it as an opportunity to sneak food off my plate. FML

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By musicthief - 22/10/2012 22:51 - United States - Finleyville

Today, I saw my music teacher, who I considered one of my role-models, on TV. Too bad it was because she'd robbed a church. FML

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By quarantine15 - 28/4/2020 14:00

Oh, so sexy

Today, I tried to be sexy and asked my husband of 6 years if he wanted to "put a baby in me." He shook the recent belly fat I gained and asked, "Is there room for a baby in there?" FML

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By clayton - 28/7/2012 00:30 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was speaking to my mother on the phone, when she mentioned that my dad had surprised her last week with a pearl necklace. Before I could quite grasp what was going on, I'd popped a boner and visualised the scene. What the hell is wrong with me? FML

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By Amanda - 11/8/2009 05:52 - United States

Today, I went to Safeway. Go in, get stuff, come out, and I have almost no room to get into my car because an SUV was parked in a compact spot next to me all crooked. Irritated, I got a pen and paper and wrote 'Nice parking you F*ing idiot' and stuck it on the windshield. Then I notice someone was in the SUV. FML

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By Tired - 17/8/2016 17:51

Today, I got in trouble with my boss for doing what she wanted me to do. I guess she didn't think I would do it and did it herself. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2018 14:00

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for refusing to stop talking to my female best friend. When I pointed out that my friend's a lesbian, she said, "How the hell does that change anything?" I have no idea why I'm not happy to be rid of that paranoid imbecile. FML

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By bloated - 4/11/2016 02:46 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I felt so self-conscious about my gut, I pushed it out and pretended I was pregnant rather than sucking it in. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2015 14:54 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, my boss chewed me out for leaving a work function early. I explained it was to avoid a former co-worker I constantly fought with. The boss revealed he purposely invited that former co-worker, hoping our fight would provide entertainment. FML

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By hungry? - 22/7/2012 06:34 - United States - Talbott

Today, some friends told me that my natural body odor smells like cooked beef and roasted onions. I'm disgustingly delicious. FML

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By HedgehogFace - 29/11/2018 03:00

Today, my science teacher said I looked like a hedgehog, then had the whole class take a vote. They voted unanimously that yes, I do look like a hedgehog. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2012 22:41 - United States - Raleigh

Today, I caught a coworker at my new job staring at my chest. Trying not to rock the boat, I took him aside and asked him to stop. He insisted he was just trying to read my shirt. Our company uniforms don't have writing on them. FML

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By yapDogs - 10/5/2015 01:43 - United States - Fort Myers

Today, I sent a $120 bouquet of flowers for mother's day. When I called tonight see if my Mom got them, she replied that they were still on the doorstep because she "didn't want the dogs to get excited and start barking" when she opened the front door to bring them in. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2009 02:58 - United States

Today, my cat managed to lock my dad and me outside of our house. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2011 04:04 - United States

Today, while going to work, I was mugged. On the way back, I was mugged. FML

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By anonymous198913 - 4/2/2017 12:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I learned how to play "Happy Birthday" on the guitar, just to have my friend tell me that my voice sucks, and that I needed to stop immediately. FML

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Top comments

By amerwin | 3

#2150387 - Friday 4 March 2011 23:13

I don't suggest masturbating today.

By Thisismoses | 0

#2150425 - Friday 4 March 2011 23:24

who uses a towel to clean up glass?

COMMENTS

By 3alawyel7elwa | 4

#2150384 - Friday 4 March 2011 23:13

Ouch, I guess you have to be more careful next time :L

iSitt | 0

#2150446 - Friday 4 March 2011 23:29

ydi for not throwing that towel away.
youll never get all the glass shards out of it.

breena25 | 0

#2151685 - Saturday 5 March 2011 9:43

stupid...

MarkFeehily | 0

#2151768 - Saturday 5 March 2011 10:51

I agree! it could have been worse... you could have used the towel to masturbate :P

seanders | 10

#2151907 - Saturday 5 March 2011 12:27

Who the fuck uses a towel to clean glass?

babyyappld | 7

#2152145 - Saturday 5 March 2011 17:03

op why wouldn't you use a broom and dustpan? much more effective.

By amerwin | 3

#2150387 - Friday 4 March 2011 23:13

I don't suggest masturbating today.

clarissa_Gyall | 0

#2150458 - Friday 4 March 2011 23:32

lmfao

FallonFerSure | 6

#2150461 - Friday 4 March 2011 23:32

I agree.

babez11 | 0

#2150494 - Friday 4 March 2011 23:51

only masturbate if u want the next person u hav sex with to hav glass up their pussy (that is if op is a guy)

Mercedeh910 | 0

#2151119 - Saturday 5 March 2011 3:34

I think u have lint in ur eye.

AKlovee787 | 0

#2151514 - Saturday 5 March 2011 7:09

hahahaha agreed

By oliver86 | 8

#2150389 - Friday 4 March 2011 23:15

you should get that checked out

By valri3 | 0

#2150393 - Friday 4 March 2011 23:16

Yes we all feel compassion and love for you.

By Immersion | 0

#2150395 - Friday 4 March 2011 23:16

I do believe u op don't worry

By picklezz123 | 5

#2150399 - Friday 4 March 2011 23:16

ouchhhh that sounds terrible

By lol_master_007 | 0

#2150405 - Friday 4 March 2011 23:19

You could, like, totaly be Leatherface's partner in crime now!!! Leatherface & Glasshands!!!!!! DAH DAH DUHHHHH! :)

StormGirl142 | 24

#2151898 - Saturday 5 March 2011 12:24

This made me giggle :)

By you_failed | 15

#2150414 - Friday 4 March 2011 23:22

Ooooh. Sorry OP to hear that! D:

By Thabb | 0

#2150420 - Friday 4 March 2011 23:23

Why did you do that?

dirtyblond | 4

#2151625 - Saturday 5 March 2011 8:44

cause hes a retard

By shibainu519 | 0

#2150422 - Friday 4 March 2011 23:23

that poor towel has to be in so much pain! :(

agranger51 | 0

#2152817 - Saturday 5 March 2011 22:27

haha!!