Health: Today, I dried my hands on the same towel I used this morning...

04/03/2011 17:18 - Germany

Today, I dried my hands on the same towel I used this morning to wipe up a few shards of glass. You can't see the small splinters in my hands, but believe me, I can feel them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 811

You deserved it 42 187

Health

Dysfunctional

Stop talking!

Good kid

06/09/2015 05:38 - Canada - Surrey

Today, the girl I've gone on two dates with showed up at my house with several boxes of her stuff, expecting to move in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 673

You deserved it 2 587

04/01/2012 12:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that my vagina reminds him of ham. But that's okay, because ham is his favorite food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 101

You deserved it 5 533

So no one told you life was gonna be this way

By MandiJo - 19/02/2021 11:01

Today, my fiancé/son’s father’s death anniversary is in a few days. I asked my closest friends if they’d hang with me so I could try and keep my mind off it, and so I wouldn’t be alone (my son will be with fiancé’s parents). They couldn’t be bothered and want to go away for the weekend instead. Without me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 865

You deserved it 101

03/01/2010 07:41 - Canada

Today, I changed my 2009 new year's resolution to lose my virginity to my 2010 new year's resolution. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 132

You deserved it 5 902

05/09/2009 06:30 - United States

Today, someone asked my fiancée and I how we met. She said, "Well, it was just supposed to be a one night stand!" and laughed, right as I was about to take her hand and say, "It was love at first sight!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 509

You deserved it 5 786

02/01/2010 02:45 - United States

Today, I was in a shoe store. I picked up a shoe so I could look at it, but when I put it back on the shelf, the whole shelf fell down, making all the shoes fall to the ground. The people behind the counter started clapping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 655

You deserved it 3 913

13/09/2016 11:22 - Germany

Today, I was on a business trip with a co-worker. We had to wait for the train, so I decided to browse a store in the train station while he waited outside. I then got a message on my cell phone, from my co-worker saying, "You are somewhere on this train, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 540

You deserved it 5 261

22/08/2019 12:01 - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, I told my boyfriend of 4 years that I'm pregnant. He suggested we get a paternity test done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 767

You deserved it 285

Fork that

By SpooningLeadstoForking - 29/06/2017 00:00

Today, during my second day on the job, I ate pasta with a pen in the backroom. My old job provided plasticware, and it never occurred to me to pack a fork. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 294

You deserved it 1 545

25/12/2011 11:39 - Switzerland

Today, I stayed up until 4 am. I was waiting for both my cats to fall asleep, so I could play Santa and stuff their stockings in secret. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 609

You deserved it 55 372

27/06/2009 21:11 - Denmark

Today, it's been a few days since I decided to give this girl I like the silent treatment.I've been writing on/off with her for a few weeks, but decided to stop a bit, to seem mysterious. When I logged on Facebook today, her status was "..is so happy that annoying guy has stopped writing to me!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 307

You deserved it 63 216

08/12/2010 14:56 - Israel

Today, my boyfriend refused to have his hair treated against lice, because "men don't have lice". FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 203

You deserved it 3 834

09/08/2012 11:39 - United States - Desoto

Today, I went out with a friend to grab some food and we were served by this really cute and fun waiter. Stepping out of my comfort zone and deciding to do something crazy, I left my phone number on the bill. I got home only to realize that I forgot to pay the bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 779

You deserved it 24 461

07/11/2008 10:10 - France

Today, thinking that I’m alone at work, I start rummaging through my nose trying to find something interesting. It’s only after about a minute that I notice that my boss is looking straight at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 935

You deserved it 50 324

10/03/2010 15:00 - France

Today, I found out what people really think about the beard I've been proudly growing for over a month. It appears that my face now looks like an unshaven ballsack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 861

You deserved it 27 427

31/10/2018 15:30

Today, I asked my girlfriend for a kiss, and in response, she suggested that we settle for a hand hug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 098

You deserved it 361

19/01/2018 13:00 - United States

Today, I finalized my new car purchase after three months on the job at a new company. Two hours later, I was informed that my position has been eliminated. I have two weeks to find a new job or I'm completely screwed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 126

You deserved it 354

26/01/2014 04:29 - United States - Spring

Today, while driving home, my 3-year-old daughter told me she had to poop. I told her that she would have to wait until we got home. When we got home, she pulled down her pants and shat on the floor, because, "I'm home now." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 874

You deserved it 10 096

It's not?

By 310 - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he always thought the female orgasm was an urban legend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 635

You deserved it 4 076

30/11/2011 14:57 - Canada

Today, my husband asked me if I was really pregnant or if I was just smuggling cheeseburgers. I'm now referred to as "the hamburgler." I'm only 5 months pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 481

You deserved it 3 920

15/01/2012 12:52 - United States

Today, my girlfriend hummed the Jeopardy theme while I was trying to undo her bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 253

You deserved it 25 711

17/03/2011 15:11

Today, I was moving to the city with all my belongings when the trailer came unhitched, breaking the chains on my dad's homemade trailer. I then watched as the trailer narrowly missed a guardrail, went down a hill and into a river. My dad still won't admit he didn't latch the hitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 178

You deserved it 4 368

07/07/2011 19:49 - United States

Today, I was woken up by my step brother trying to put his tongue in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 090

You deserved it 5 440

18/05/2016 02:02 - United States - Fremont

Today, I found out that my mother intentionally donated the quilt that I had made for her, because, "It didn't match anything". That was $70 worth of fabric and 7 and a half weeks spent on that handiwork of mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 005

You deserved it 957

16/05/2017 05:00 - United States - San Diego

Today, I dumped my boyfriend. To celebrate being newly single, I wanted to watch some shows on Netflix. My now ex-boyfriend had already changed the password. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 271

You deserved it 10 486

15/01/2017 08:00

Today, after getting home from shopping, I noticed a security tag was still on one of the shirts I bought. I decided to take it back and ask them to remove the tag. They then accused me of trying to steal (even after I showed them the receipt) and kicked me out of the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 074

You deserved it 554

29/03/2015 21:18 - United States

Today, I found out my girlfriend keeps my toenails in her deceased grandmother's prized music box. She says it's to, "Keep the box natural." I don't understand why she does this, or what she means by "natural." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 354

You deserved it 2 462

12/05/2013 04:35 - United States

Today, my little brothers wouldn't stop teasing me over the fact that I'm a virgin and they are not. They are 13 and 16, I'm 22. What's worse? My dad quickly joined them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 154

You deserved it 7 534

17/07/2011 07:14 - United States

Today, I surprised my four year old daughter with a stuffed dinosaur. She named it 'Horny.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 117

You deserved it 8 227

31/08/2009 18:10 - United States

Today, I found some .pdf files on my wife's computer. They were forms that had been filled out except for the date and the "reason" section. They were divorce papers. When confronted about it she said, "Well, if you piss me off really bad, I want to write down why before I calm down." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 758

You deserved it 4 147

22/06/2019 20:04

Today, after being a few minutes late to work a few times this week, I left the house super early this morning. When I got to work, security hadn’t unlocked the doors yet, so I waited in my car, where I ended up falling asleep and sleeping through most of my entire morning shift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 956

You deserved it 1 484

08/03/2013 10:51 - United States - Irvine

Today, my dad and I had an hour-long conversation. When he was getting up to leave my room he said, "Good talk Chelsey." My sister is Chelsey. So I corrected him. He thought I was joking. My father can't tell my sister and I apart. We are not twins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 293

You deserved it 2 519

23/08/2018 18:30

Today, I found out I'm allergic to something in the city water. I've had itchy patches and rashes all over my body, but I can't afford to pay for the filtration system that would solve it. My landlord forbids any modifications to the shower and washing machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 540

You deserved it 135

This guy grudges

By PocketTrash - 20/03/2020 21:00

Today, my dad is still mad because I tossed his empty coffee can over 3 days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 333

You deserved it 210

19/10/2015 22:13 - Australia

Today, at my prestigious sous chef job, I was preparing to plate up expensive entrees for a function of 150 people. After arriving to work 2 hours early to finalize finishing touches, they call the restaurant 5 minutes before their booking stating, 'We can't be bothered anymore, sorry.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 852

You deserved it 1 512

17/04/2009 16:49 - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car. After spending 20 minutes on the phone with AAA, and then waiting a half hour, the guy showed up, he stuck his hand in the drivers side window and asked, "You couldn't just reach in?" I forgot I left the window open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 117

You deserved it 108 059

12/02/2013 02:30 - United States - Alfred

Today, I was walking with my friend. The girl in front of us had a really nice ass, so I turned to my friend and said, "Damn, she has a perfect ass." He replied, "That's a guy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 510

You deserved it 38 909

14/12/2016 23:22 - United States - Erie

Today, I made dozens of cookies just in time for Christmas. When I went to take out the last pan from the oven, I slipped. In a desperate attempt to catch the pan I grabbed it with my bare hand. My hand is striped like a candy cane. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 831

You deserved it 876

09/06/2013 16:50 - Bangladesh - Dhaka

Today, days after I broke up with my girlfriend, my dad tried to make her feel better by inviting her to our family BBQ next weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 651

You deserved it 5 504

10/08/2019 18:00

Today, I posted that I'm having a yard sale and listed a bunch of stuff I'm selling. People started messaging, asking me to send pictures and prices. That's why I'm having the yard sale, so I don't have to post pictures and prices! FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 439

You deserved it 299

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Top comments

amerwin 3

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Friday 4 March 2011 23:13

I don't suggest masturbating today.

Thisismoses 0

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Friday 4 March 2011 23:24

who uses a towel to clean up glass?

3alawyel7elwa 4

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Friday 4 March 2011 23:13

Ouch, I guess you have to be more careful next time :L

iSitt 0

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Friday 4 March 2011 23:29

ydi for not throwing that towel away. youll never get all the glass shards out of it.

breena25 0

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Saturday 5 March 2011 9:43

stupid...

MarkFeehily 0

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Saturday 5 March 2011 10:51

I agree! it could have been worse... you could have used the towel to masturbate :P

seanders 10

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Saturday 5 March 2011 12:27

Who the fuck uses a towel to clean glass?

babyyappld 7

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Saturday 5 March 2011 17:03

op why wouldn't you use a broom and dustpan? much more effective.

amerwin 3

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Friday 4 March 2011 23:13

I don't suggest masturbating today.

clarissa_Gyall 0

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Friday 4 March 2011 23:32

lmfao

FallonFerSure 6

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Friday 4 March 2011 23:32

I agree.

babez11 0

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Friday 4 March 2011 23:51

only masturbate if u want the next person u hav sex with to hav glass up their pussy (that is if op is a guy)

Mercedeh910 0

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Saturday 5 March 2011 3:34

I think u have lint in ur eye.

AKlovee787 0

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Saturday 5 March 2011 7:09

hahahaha agreed

oliver86 8

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Friday 4 March 2011 23:15

you should get that checked out

valri3 0

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Friday 4 March 2011 23:16

Yes we all feel compassion and love for you.

Immersion 0

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Friday 4 March 2011 23:16

I do believe u op don't worry

picklezz123 5

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Friday 4 March 2011 23:16

ouchhhh that sounds terrible

lol_master_007 0

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Friday 4 March 2011 23:19

You could, like, totaly be Leatherface's partner in crime now!!! Leatherface & Glasshands!!!!!! DAH DAH DUHHHHH! :)

StormGirl142 24

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Saturday 5 March 2011 12:24

This made me giggle :)

you_failed 15

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Friday 4 March 2011 23:22

Ooooh. Sorry OP to hear that! D:

Thabb 0

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Friday 4 March 2011 23:23

Why did you do that?

dirtyblond 4

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Saturday 5 March 2011 8:44

cause hes a retard

shibainu519 0

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Friday 4 March 2011 23:23

that poor towel has to be in so much pain! :(

agranger51 0

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Saturday 5 March 2011 22:27

haha!!

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 115

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend came out as a polyamorous, and then immediately asked me if he could date another guy I thought was my friend. I’m such a pushover, I said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 92

You deserved it 294

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 596

You deserved it 69

So no one told you life was gonna be this way

Fork that

It's not?

This guy grudges

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