Today, I dried my hands on the same towel I used this morning...

By Anonymous - Germany

Today, I dried my hands on the same towel I used this morning to wipe up a few shards of glass. You can't see the small splinters in my hands, but believe me, I can feel them. FML

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Health

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Modernity

Thanks, government

By HoboWithACondom

Today, my regressive boss fired me because he found out I'm dating his daughter. Now I'm concerned what he might do if he finds out she's pregnant with my child. FML

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1561

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I lit my beard on fire while trying to light a cigarette driving to work. I got fired from work when I got there because of my appearance. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my car heater finally died. I deliver pizzas. In Alaska. FML

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By addicted2v - United States

Today, I found out the guy that my girlfriend introduced as her brother was actually her boyfriend. I also paid for him to come out with us to the movies several times. FML

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By Anonymous - Israel - Netanya

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has been cheating on me with two different guys. Her incredibly moving excuse was that she was getting "more experience" so she could please me better. FML

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By M - United Kingdom - Clevedon

Today, during a work meeting, my boss leaned over to me and whispered, "I suggest we fuck". FML

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By SchoolSucks - United States

Today, it's my first day at a new school. I transferred here halfway through the year to get away from a girl who bullies me. She's apparently bullied her mom into transferring her here as well. FML

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By ThroatSlasher - United Kingdom - Grimsby

Today, I asked out the man of my dreams. He's smart, attractive, and has a steady job. Imagine my surprise when he accepted. Then imagine my surprise when he followed up with "Hah, just kidding. You're fuckin' BORING!" FML

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By FavreFan99 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me it was her fantasy to orgasm at midnight on New Years. We got started at 11:53. I didn't last until midnight. FML

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By Buzzie - United States

Today, I learned that my apartment's walls are thin enough for my neighbors to hear my vibrator. I've lived in this apartment for three years. I've been single and horny for all of them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work, I managed to hit myself in the face with a large sheet pan. The force made me back into a shelf, which knocked a box off the top, which hit me in the head and knocked me out-cold. I now have a fat lip, a sore head, and bruises all over from the fall. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was stopped in traffic when a woman rear-ended me, backed up, and sped off along the shoulder, taking my passenger side mirror with her. FML

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By ILiveWithMorons - United States

Today, my dad set my hair on fire while cooking. He then tried to convince me that it spontaneously combusted. FML

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By - 22/2/2020 18:00

My dear neighbor

Today, I had a very sweet and romantic love note brutally scratched into the door of my brand new car. It was addressed to Cindy. Cindy lives next door. FML

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By Dj sMoZ!

Today, my girlfriend found an enormous rose arrangement in the back seat of my car. The flowers were from my fire chief to his wife. I forgot to deliver them. I now have to replace them since my girlfriend thinks I got them for her. The arrangement cost $225. FML

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By sadandmad - United States - Bonita Springs

Today, my husband took a pill to make him last longer in bed. He did last longer. He went from 5 minutes to 7. FML

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21964

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2020 17:00

The student becomes the master

Today, I threatened my kids I’d turn off their WiFi unless they did their chores, so my eldest chimed in, "Please, we changed the WiFi password months ago in case you tried to threaten us like this," then turned off my WiFi, which I need to work from home. I had to beg a 12-year-old to let me work. FML

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1695

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By Anonymous - United States - Noblesville

Today, I was giving my boyfriend head on the living room couch. Apparently his two cats didn't approve, and they started attacking my face. Luckily for him, since my boyfriend was holding my head down, his privates didn't get a scratch. FML

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31580

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By fmlifetime - United States

Today, while shopping for some bananas at my local grocery store, an old woman came up to me and started rubbing my stomach. She simply asked when I was due. I am a 43 year old man with a beer belly. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lansing

Today, I took my girlfriend out for a romantic dinner, since we can't see each other this Valentine's Day. Halfway through, my aunt called, telling me my grandma had died. I had to leave because I was crying so much, leaving my girlfriend with a very pricey bill. FML

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23885

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By Steven, Customer Service - United States - Dover Plains

"Where are the white women at?"

Today, I took a call from a man who said his dating apps are connecting him with "black and oriental women" when he only wants white women. I spent 47 minutes on the phone with this customer trying to explain that I am only an AT&T Service Rep and have no control over any dating apps. FML

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By mugged - Germany

Today, I went to the Salvation Army to donate some clothes. As I was handing over the 4 huge bags that I had carried for 10 blocks, while 6 months pregnant, somebody stole my purse. FML

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By sup - Canada - Chicoutimi

Today, I found out why I've had cockroaches in my bathroom - my landlord didn't bother to finish the wall behind my bathroom sink. There are literally holes that go straight from my bathroom to the garage downstairs. FML

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1686

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By charlotte273 - United Kingdom

Today, in an attempt to save money on waxing, I bought veet hair removal cream. I also discovered it has the same effect on carpets. Now I have to pay for a replacement. So much for saving money. FML

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By mustachioed - United States

Today, I tried to bleach my upper lip hair. I now have a bright red mustache. FML

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By nightput - France

Today, I took my driving test. I spent 30 minutes with the handbrake on. FML

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12407

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By 4fucksake - Ireland

Today, my boyfriend showed me how he gives himself a semi-erection before he goes into the men's showers after training so his penis will look bigger in front of all the guys. I find it worrying that he won't have sex with me, but has no problem walking around in front of men naked with a semi. FML

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By Sunshinenwhiskey - United States - Dallas

Today, I found out why my sister hasn't been answering my texts or phone calls. Her husband blocked my number on her phone. FML

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13671

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By J. Homen - United States

Today, the girl I thought I was dating got into a fight with me over the phone. She did this because she bet her boyfriend that she could make me cry on FaceTime. She won the bet. FML

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By hugadyle - 18/4/2020 14:00

Getting some action

Today, I took a trip to the library's public computer section to get some important work done. After a bit of work, I went to stretch only to see that the man next to me was watching some adult films on his computer and discreetly touching himself. I still had 58 minutes of computer time. FML

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1470

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By Anonymous - Kuwait - Kuwait

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend that taking triple the maximum dosage of painkillers won't actually triple its effects. She rolled her eyes, called me clueless, and said that I should "leave this stuff to the professionals." She's studying to become a doctor. FML

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By Marco

Today, the bank I use lost 5 billion. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my husband and I got into a fight because I refused to let him use my finger nail to clean the plaque off his teeth. FML

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27712

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By catherineratley - United States - Carmi

Today, I shut my finger in the car door. The door locked. Then I dropped the keys on the ground and couldn't reach them. FML

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35329

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By Elizabeth Ann

Today, after months of planning, I finally got my first tattoo: my cat's paw print. I love it so I showed my friends pictures. One said it looks like poop and the other said it looks like I have a disease. FML

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2336

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By ProudMother - United Kingdom - Telford

Today, my 20-year-old came whining to me, asking why his job interviews keep going so poorly. I had to delicately explain that the "PIMP SLAP" tattoo he had put on his right hand recently may have something to do with it. FML

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By Anonymous - Oman

Today, I injured my knee and dislocated my shoulder fighting over a cookie with my brother. He's 14. I'm 26. He still got the cookie. FML

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13335

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By Anonymous

Look-alikes

Today, the guy I really like told me that I look exactly like Kathy Bates. I'm only 30. FML

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1294

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By Anonymous - Guatemala

Today, I got mugged. After taking my cell phone, the guy politely said: "Thanks. Have a nice evening. Be careful on your way home." FML

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By NickJJ - Canada - Toronto

Today, I woke up to somebody shaking my shoulder. I had slept over at a friend's house, so I assumed my friend was just fooling around. With my head under the pillow, I swung my hand at his face then gave him the finger. Turns out, my friend left for basketball and I had slept in. It was his mom. FML

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Top comments

By amerwin | 3

#2150387 - Friday 4 March 2011 23:13

I don't suggest masturbating today.

By Thisismoses | 0

#2150425 - Friday 4 March 2011 23:24

who uses a towel to clean up glass?

COMMENTS

By 3alawyel7elwa | 4

#2150384 - Friday 4 March 2011 23:13

Ouch, I guess you have to be more careful next time :L

iSitt | 0

#2150446 - Friday 4 March 2011 23:29

ydi for not throwing that towel away.
youll never get all the glass shards out of it.

breena25 | 0

#2151685 - Saturday 5 March 2011 9:43

stupid...

MarkFeehily | 0

#2151768 - Saturday 5 March 2011 10:51

I agree! it could have been worse... you could have used the towel to masturbate :P

seanders | 10

#2151907 - Saturday 5 March 2011 12:27

Who the fuck uses a towel to clean glass?

babyyappld | 7

#2152145 - Saturday 5 March 2011 17:03

op why wouldn't you use a broom and dustpan? much more effective.

By amerwin | 3

#2150387 - Friday 4 March 2011 23:13

I don't suggest masturbating today.

clarissa_Gyall | 0

#2150458 - Friday 4 March 2011 23:32

lmfao

FallonFerSure | 6

#2150461 - Friday 4 March 2011 23:32

I agree.

babez11 | 0

#2150494 - Friday 4 March 2011 23:51

only masturbate if u want the next person u hav sex with to hav glass up their pussy (that is if op is a guy)

Mercedeh910 | 0

#2151119 - Saturday 5 March 2011 3:34

I think u have lint in ur eye.

AKlovee787 | 0

#2151514 - Saturday 5 March 2011 7:09

hahahaha agreed

By oliver86 | 8

#2150389 - Friday 4 March 2011 23:15

you should get that checked out

By valri3 | 0

#2150393 - Friday 4 March 2011 23:16

Yes we all feel compassion and love for you.

By Immersion | 0

#2150395 - Friday 4 March 2011 23:16

I do believe u op don't worry

By picklezz123 | 5

#2150399 - Friday 4 March 2011 23:16

ouchhhh that sounds terrible

By lol_master_007 | 0

#2150405 - Friday 4 March 2011 23:19

You could, like, totaly be Leatherface's partner in crime now!!! Leatherface & Glasshands!!!!!! DAH DAH DUHHHHH! :)

StormGirl142 | 24

#2151898 - Saturday 5 March 2011 12:24

This made me giggle :)

By you_failed | 15

#2150414 - Friday 4 March 2011 23:22

Ooooh. Sorry OP to hear that! D:

By Thabb | 0

#2150420 - Friday 4 March 2011 23:23

Why did you do that?

dirtyblond | 4

#2151625 - Saturday 5 March 2011 8:44

cause hes a retard

By shibainu519 | 0

#2150422 - Friday 4 March 2011 23:23

that poor towel has to be in so much pain! :(

agranger51 | 0

#2152817 - Saturday 5 March 2011 22:27

haha!!