Love: Today, after a hard day's work and emotional argument with my... - FML

By Gutted. - United Kingdom

Today, after a hard day's work and emotional argument with my best friend, I sent my boyfriend a text telling him how much I loved him and cherished him in the hopes he would cheer me up with a romantic reply. He said "Sorry, I've only got 8 texts left." FML

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Proactive

Serious times

Facts over feelings

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and best friend decided to "help" by assembling my new front porch while I was away. Ecstatic, they displayed their handiwork. It's charming how the porch is precariously balanced, it leans in such a way that it appears it will fall over if you walk through the front door. FML

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By thanks.

Today, my girlfriend of over a year woke me up at 4:30 in the morning by sticking her hand down my pants. She immediately stopped when I was awake enough to reciprocate and said, "I couldn't sleep. I was bored. Talk to me." FML

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By Subliminal message - Switzerland

Today, my boyfriend started whispering "blowjobbbb" into my ear while we were watching a movie. When I asked him what he was doing, he denied ever saying it and claimed it must have been a subliminal message in the movie. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I'm travelling across the country with my family. My grandma thought it would be a good idea to take her shoes off. It's been 5 minutes and my eyes are watering from the stench. We still have over 200 miles left until we get home. FML

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By Anonymous - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, it's my first day working the graveyard shift at a local hotel. My new boss thought it would be hilarious to sneak up behind me while dressed like the Grim Reaper. I screamed like a little girl and soaked my pants. Apparently he does this to all the new people. FML

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By noodlesandmilk - Australia - Canberra

Today, my step-brother went grocery shopping alone for the first time. He came home with Ramen and 14 bottles of chocolate milk, which will expire by the 20th. My step-dad is insisting we eat it so it doesn't go to waste. FML

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By AlreadyInDebt - United States

Today, I found out that I've been paying student fees for the wrong account. Apparently I have been paying for some other student's tuition. FML

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By mortified - United Kingdom

Today, my dentist pulled a pubic hair out of my braces. FML

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By weswithaute - Australia

Today, my daughter asked me how to spell "Orange". "O-R-A-N-G-E" I replied. Without missing a beat, she says "No, I mean the colour, not the fruit." She is 16. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, while in a hotel, I left the room to get some ice. Since my parents left the door wedged open, I didn't worry about trying to find the room number. Without thinking, I walked in to another room that was also wedged open. Yes, there were people in it, and yes, they were both naked and hairy. FML

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By Ben - United States - Lansing

Time to grow a beard?

Today, my girlfriend told me she won't have sex with me anymore. When I asked her why, she said I've lost too much weight and I look like her son. Her son is 4 feet tall & 9 years old. I'm 6 feet tall & 30 years old. She said having sex with me feel like having sex with her son. FML

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By Icey_dan1 - France

Today, I tried to jump between the train doors to make it in on time. And missed. FML

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By dead man walking? - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her dad showed me his gun collection, and said the first rule of gun safety is never to point a gun at something you don't intend to kill. All while waving a handgun in my direction and glaring at me with barely suppressed rage. FML

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By JadedBaker - United States

Today, I woke up early and spent hours baking and icing a three-tier cake for my friend's eighteenth birthday, which is this evening. I just found out my mother threw it in the compost bin because she's on a diet and it was "tempting" her. FML

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By prickly - United States

Today, my wife got the flu. While she was sleeping, I went out to buy her some soup and other things. When I was walking back through the door, she woke up, thought I was a burglar, and threw the closest thing to her at me. What was it? A cactus. FML

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By FMLTIMESTWO - United States

Today, I found a dead bird on my windshield. Thinking I was clever, I turned on my windshield wipers to get the bird off. Unfortunately, the dead bird fell through my open window and onto my lap. FML

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By notanybetter

Today, the drummer from my favorite band threw a drumstick into the crowd during a concert. It hit me on the head and bounced into my friend's hands. She left with a drumstick from a band she didn't want to see in the first place. I left with a bruise. FML

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By someone - United States

Today, while walking home, the gods were kind enough to grace me with the sight of an old man jogging past me in nothing but a pair of short shorts. The image of his balls swinging to and fro underneath like a pendulum has been forever burned into my retinas. FML

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By gonnabeunemployed

Today, I got a call from the only company that asked me to come in for an interview of the many applications I submitted. I answered it even though I was at my current job. My boss heard and chewed me out. The call was to cancel the interview since the position was filled. FML

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By steven - Cayman Islands

Today, I had my first kiss standing in front of my front door. It was really cute, the way you normally think about first kisses. When I got inside, I realized my mom had been watching out her second story bedroom window taking pictures. She put them on Facebook captioned 'My baby's first kiss!' FML

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By No thanks - United States

Today, I was called a bitch and "freaky as hell" because I don't like watermelon. I'm sorry, but just because I'm black doesn't mean I like watermelon. FML

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By MomOfBoys

Today, it's early-release before Christmas break for the kiddos, and my awesome-sauce boss let them hang out in our law office for the afternoon. So far, one has puked in the conference room, and the other has clogged the toilet. Only 2 hours to go. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, on Intervention…

Today, I staged an intervention for my dad, because his midlife crisis has spun out of control. When I told him he's now basically endangering his own life, he replied "Everyone's gonna die someday. Some sooner than others, eh porky?" FML

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By anon

Today, while working as a cashier, a really cute guy came up and said, "Hi Morgan". I freaked out and asked him how he knew my name. He then replied, "You have a name tag". FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was running late for my morning gym class. I grabbed a near-empty drink bottle on my way out, intending to fill it up at the gym. Mid-workout, I reached for my bottle and took a big mouthful as I headed over to fill it up. To my great surprise, it was not water but straight vodka. FML

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By kewtness_17 - United States

Today, I got mad at my 4 year old son for cussing me out. Afterwards, I went upstairs to get ready for the day. When I came back downstairs I found him pooping on my brand new leather couch. FML

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By Pooper scooper - Guam - Yigo

Today, I realized that my dog has more work experience than I do. He's a retired military working dog, and I have a Master's degree. FML

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By mannnnn

Today, I went into work to change a shift I was unable to work. I phone the first person on the employee sheet and they promptly answer by saying "You still work here? I thought the manager fired you..." I was fired last week and have been showing up for shifts without anybody noticing. FML

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By asshalf15 - United States - Hacienda Heights

Today, I got expelled from school. I was walking down a flight of stairs when I tripped and bumped into a kid ahead of me by mistake. He fell forward and took half a dozen people down with him. The staff think I did it on purpose, and there's talk of charges being pressed. FML

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By -.- - United States

Today, I suggestively asked my boyfriend to take a shower with me. He got in, washed himself, and got out, ignoring me the whole time. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2021 11:01

Bye bye love

Today, I got dumped by my girlfriend. Apparently, it's my fault because I act like I don't care… and guess what? She's posting little embarrassing details about me on her Facebook wall. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2021 07:58

Simps gonna simp

Today, I just found out that I was missing almost $500 from my debit card. Turns out my brother used my card to simp on a streamer. When I confronted him, he said, "But you would have simped on her either way." FML

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By nt121511

Today, I woke up after a long night of taking care of my drunken husband. I guess I should feel lucky I don't have a generic, "He wet the bed in his sleep" story, and instead have a unique, "He got out of bed and peed on me" story. FML

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By Ugh

Today, I was on the bus. I have a phobia of babies crying, and recently, whenever I've been on a long journey, there's been one and I've had an anxiety attack. There were no babies on this bus, just an old lady showing her friend videos of her screaming grandchild. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, while I was looking for an apartment for my boyfriend and myself, he asked me how would I feel about his mom moving in together with us. FML

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By Thisismylife - Canada

Today, I had pizza for lunch. Later, I passed out in front of a customer. Now I get to explain to my boss that I fainted on the job because of heartburn. FML

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By ohgodwhy

Today, me, my boyfriend and his family stayed at an AirBnB while on a trip. While I was doing my makeup, my boyfriend told me he was going to take a shower. A few minutes later, I went in the bathroom to shave my legs thinking my boyfriend was in there, but his dad was in the shower, scrubbing his ass. FML

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By stickyservice - United Kingdom - Solihull

Today, an angry customer threw her sticky toffee pudding at the wall and pointed out that because it didn't stick, it was not really a "sticky" toffee pudding, and that she'd been mislead. FML

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By Anonymous

Eat the rich

Today, at work, I found out that they are taking all bonus pay away, but giving us an extra $1 an hour due to Covid-19. Last week, they laid off half my department. Those people laid off are making more money on unemployment than I am now. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while running late to my sister's wedding and rushing to get ready, I accidentally grabbed my travel size shaving cream can in place of my body spray, and quickly drew a blue foaming line across my rental tux. FML

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Top comments

By pancakes_n_syrup | 0

#48848 - Sunday 22 March 2009 2:04

In his defense, texts are like gold when they're limited

By lollipopz8988 | 0

#48906 - Sunday 22 March 2009 2:17

Wait...did he text you to tell you he only had 8 texts left?? Because if that's the case why couldn't he have just used that opportunity to cheer you up instead.

COMMENTS

By pancakes_n_syrup | 0

#48848 - Sunday 22 March 2009 2:04

In his defense, texts are like gold when they're limited

Reply

mitchpally | 0

#857089 - Monday 15 February 2010 6:02

haha limited texts.. your boyfriends poor.. dumbass

Reply

noobgang7 | 5

#936674 - Thursday 11 March 2010 19:47

he wasted a text sending her that text lol

Reply

LoadFasterPage | 0

#1216038 - Tuesday 10 August 2010 6:46

now he's got 7

Reply

Jjan04 | 14

#5571701 - Tuesday 9 July 2013 6:14

How the fuck does being poor make someone a dumbass?

By alex_vik | 0

#48860 - Sunday 22 March 2009 2:06

Well, he's in the right here.

By Ahhem | 0

#48863 - Sunday 22 March 2009 2:07

Why didn't you just tell him in person?

By RavensRule97 | 0

#48886 - Sunday 22 March 2009 2:14

i agree with #1.... i have limited texting too and theyre precious when theyre limited- each one counts... he should have called you tho

By lollipopz8988 | 0

#48906 - Sunday 22 March 2009 2:17

Wait...did he text you to tell you he only had 8 texts left?? Because if that's the case why couldn't he have just used that opportunity to cheer you up instead.

Reply

Alzai | 0

#368802 - Sunday 5 July 2009 1:32

Lmao, yeah, he wasted a text to tell you, that he only had 8 texts, but tbh, you hoped he'd cheer you up. Maybe he didn't know you wanted him to cheer you up. If you specified that, then maybe he would have. :L

Reply

cocainewhore | 30

#5968099 - Saturday 7 June 2014 20:44

It's more than my fiancé does, if I do that for him he reads it and doesn't reply. It kinda sucks

Reply

Zufallian | 34

#6452118 - Tuesday 3 November 2015 12:56

Well standard SMS is only 160 characters (70 if you use an emoji). So I'm guessing he didn't really want to use more than one text.

By dammn | 0

#48914 - Sunday 22 March 2009 2:19

call him (:

By PTERONOPHOBIA | 0

#48916 - Sunday 22 March 2009 2:20

#5, that's exactly what I was going to say. Douchedouchedouche

By alex_vik | 0

#48919 - Sunday 22 March 2009 2:20

#5 - Because OP might've tried to keep the conversation going, in which he would need to use two texts to tell OP that he's almost out of texts.

By nesj | 0

#48930 - Sunday 22 March 2009 2:23

Don't look to texts for romance. They're not romantic.

By splinter_fml | 0

#48941 - Sunday 22 March 2009 2:26

Yeah, that a good example of how to waste a text.