The Top

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By Ixlovexwaffles - 29/04/2015 20:33

Today, my mom announced my pregnancy to the entire family via Facebook with the post, "Just went from a MILF to a GILF in one moment of unprotected sex." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 014

You deserved it 5 707

Ixlovexwaffles tells us more.

Ixlovexwaffles 0

Thursday 30 April 2015 20:26

I would have laughed it off had she made the post a week later, it's the fact that I told her specifically not to post anything or talk to anyone about it for at least a few days so I could announce it to everyone else. She knew I told her first. It's the fact that that is how it was announced.

Thanks, gran…

By Joe - 03/04/2011 07:33 - Australia

Today, I went with my beautiful fiancée to tell her grandmother, who's a bit senile, that we got engaged. Her response, "I know he's very nice, but think about the chubby little ugly children he'll give you." This was followed by a recollection of her ex-boyfriends who would've fathered attractive kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 867

You deserved it 3 225

By joe - 31/01/2009 23:14 - United States

Today, my girlfriend snuck up behind me to cover my eyes and play "guess who." The second her hands touched my face, I grabbed her, twisted her wrists, and kneed her to the floor out of instinct. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 726

You deserved it 26 867

By bestnameright - 10/12/2012 03:53 - United States - Washington

Today, I sent in an assignment from my batshit insane teacher. The assignment was to read a poem, analyze it, and make a comic of its plot. This would've been fine if the teacher who assigned it to me didn't teach math. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 584

You deserved it 2 063

bestnameright tells us more.

bestnameright 14

Monday 10 December 2012 21:43

Actually when I told my humanities teacher about the project I learned that my math teacher has a degree in literature or something. 0_0

Stranded

By digressions - 29/12/2011 19:01 - Canada

Today, I tore a muscle in my back. At the hospital, I was prescribed some pain medication. My husband got me settled at home, with everything I needed within reach, and left for work. As I picked up the bottle to take the first pill, I knocked it on the floor. It rolled under the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 549

You deserved it 3 946

By dee - 10/12/2011 10:14 - United States

Today, I wound up cleaning vomit out of the window track of my car at midnight, in the nicest dress I own, after my husband got completely wasted at his office Christmas party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 814

You deserved it 3 327

By ifunnybatman - 22/03/2016 04:03 - United States - Roswell

Today, after a DNA test and getting his sperm count checked, my husband still doesn't believe our son is his. He was kicked in the nuts several times as a child, something he believes has rendered him infertile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 779

You deserved it 1 813

ifunnybatman tells us more.

ifunnybatman 8

Wednesday 23 March 2016 4:57

My husband had actually wanted kids more than I did. We were together 5 years before marriage he had never mentioned this before and we didn't have unprotected sex until the night we were married. Our son is 4 and these accusations sprung up after he read some stupid mock article about how one blow to the jewels can completely ruin a guy. I actually considered him rather smart up until this point Lol. He tried to claim he was joking once all the test came back but I know he wasn't. He hasn't treated our son any different though thank God. Anyway sorry for the long reply anymore questions I'll try to answer them. TL;DR: Husband is an idiot tried to play it off like a joke didn't work.

By natattack - 11/09/2013 21:35 - United States - Temple

Today, I officially became a divorced marriage counselor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 613

You deserved it 7 994

By anonymous - 12/10/2011 06:11 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years dumped me for a chick I shared a hospital room with for 2 months. I introduced them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 769

You deserved it 3 769

By notpregnant - 21/12/2009 18:12 - United States

Today, I updated my Facebook status to "It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood." My cousin, seeing the status, failed to pick up on the sarcastic humor. She called all my family members and tell them that I was pregnant. Including my husband in Iraq. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 898

You deserved it 14 034

By americanized - 22/11/2010 15:25 - Denmark

Today, I helped two people find the central station on my way home. As a thank you, they mugged me and stole my wallet and iPod Touch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 040

You deserved it 4 150

By COCKYmanUSC - 12/09/2011 02:50 - United States

Today, I was the victim of a drive-by. The attackers used water guns. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 090

You deserved it 6 451

By Anonymous - 19/11/2010 23:29 - United States

Today, my fiancé — a top chef — called me at work to make sure I would be home on time for the extra special dinner he'd prepared for me. The occasion, as I later discovered, was the end of our engagement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 951

You deserved it 3 117

By not cool - 28/06/2013 05:16 - Australia - Sunnybank

Today, while using a urinal in a very busy mall bathroom, another man unzipped his pants and attempted to use the same one as me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 844

You deserved it 3 181

By anonymous - 13/08/2011 06:58 - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that taking a 20 mile bike ride with my boyfriend's family the day after losing my virginity is the worst decision ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 000

You deserved it 18 315

By lol112 - 02/06/2012 12:47 - United States - Monroe Township

Today, when I was ordering pizza, I got a text from my mom saying "I love you". When the man thanked me I accidentally said, "I love you too." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 812

You deserved it 5 474

Never again

By CreepedOut - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I decided to try something new and sign up for an online dating service, since I can't meet a decent guy in person. The first guy I talked to told me he used to be in a mental hospital for obsessing over a girl, then told me he would be dreaming of me that night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 008

You deserved it 8 014

Where's that coming from?

By Kayla - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Mesa

Today, I freaked out because of the smell of rotting eggs lingering in my apartment. I soon discovered it was my boyfriend's feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 353

You deserved it 3 336

By look before you speak - 09/02/2014 07:12 - United States

Today, I was at a swim meet. I asked my friend if he could be my wingman and help me get a date with a girl I really liked. I told him my plan, and as I finished and turned to go to her, I noticed her standing right there, listening in on the whole conversation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 640

You deserved it 13 839

By Craig - 17/02/2010 06:30 - Canada

Today, I went to my hair dresser to get my haircut. When she asked me what I wanted, I told her "the usual". She confused me with another customer and gave me a mullet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 469

You deserved it 33 086

By Oily - 16/12/2011 09:08 - New Zealand

Today, my 7-year-old daughter came up to me in a noisy mall and said "boo-boo" pointing to her hand. Not paying enough attention, I kissed her hand to make her feel better. She grimaced and said "No dad, bird poo." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 234

You deserved it 14 460

By capcha - 03/07/2009 18:30 - United States

Today, I was holding a yard sale. A man came up to me and asked if he could buy a pair of red and white sneakers that I'd found in my attic and had never worn. Five bucks later, he was walking away with what I now realize was the pair of shoes signed by Michael Jordan given to me by my uncle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 076

You deserved it 78 710

Pull up

By ohdeargodthatswrong - 09/01/2010 13:25 - United Kingdom

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when my dad pulled up to pick me up from his house. My dad beeped his horn and my boyfriend opened his bedroom curtain, knocked on the window, and waved. While he was still inside of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 512

You deserved it 6 211

By Anonymous - 01/10/2011 02:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I was confronted by my father after I got back home from a party in the early hours. He demanded to know if I'd been doing any drugs, and then decided to give me a scare lecture on the dangers of alcohol. I'd had a few beers. He had the smell of tequila on his breath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 141

You deserved it 5 096

By jimmy - 30/11/2015 21:27 - Canada - Orangeville

Today, my 5-year-old son put my car keys in the microwave thinking that they would 'warm up' my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 015

You deserved it 2 491

By gbabyy - 22/11/2009 03:25 - United States

Today, my daughter was playing outside. I was watching her from the window, and I saw her pick up a dead bird. I ran outside to grab her. As I picked her up and started scolding her, she tried to scratch my face. In the attempt, her hand went straight into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 760

You deserved it 6 907

By my_only_friend - 03/06/2013 04:45 - United States - Chicago

Today, I was invited to a party. Since I rarely get invited to any, I was super pumped. Both my parents work late, so I texted a couple of people to see if I could catch a ride. It turned out everyone's cars were full. I ended up missing one of the only parties I've ever been invited to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 729

You deserved it 7 283

Please don't go

By Anonymous - 30/04/2009 23:08 - United States

Today, a girl called me, asking for one of her friends. She wouldn't believe me when I told her she had the wrong number, and I spent a few minutes convincing her she did. After a while she said, "What the fuck?" and hung up. That was the longest conversation I had with a girl in months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 474

You deserved it 9 055

By embarrassed girl - 07/06/2014 05:40 - United States - Saint Cloud

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. It was going well until I accidentally passed gas. To add to the embarrassment, he rated it. I only got a 4 out of 10. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 156

You deserved it 7 815

By Mimi - 16/04/2013 01:35 - United States - Vallejo

Today, my husband told me that he thinks I am getting a little heavy and may need to lay off the junk food. The ultrasound is hanging on our fridge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 801

You deserved it 5 761

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The Top

Today, I was pulling a car out of the shop where I work, when I tried to go over a small snow bank to park it. What I didn't realize was the snow had turned into solid ice, and it broke the front bumper cover. It's going to cost $1000 to fix it and I also had to call the owner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 203

You deserved it 11 048

Today, at work, we've just hired a new load of people. As an icebreaker, we were paired up randomly and told to learn about our partner so that we can introduce them to the group. I got matched up with someone I've worked with for 4 months. Mid-conversation, I blurted out "I don't know your name." FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 063

You deserved it 31 120

Today, I got mistaken for a high school freshman. It’s my 23rd birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 437

You deserved it 250

Today, I surprised my four year-old daughter with a stuffed dinosaur. She named it "Horny". FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 197

You deserved it 8 259

Today, my girlfriend of one month and I had an amazing night of dinner and dancing, but when I leaned in to kiss her, she said, "You're joking right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 473

You deserved it 4 026

Today, feeling bored and lonely, I drove into town to wander around the shops and go to Subway for lunch. While there, I picked up two trays and put one on the opposite side of the table, along with some of my rubbish, to make it look like I was with someone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 572

You deserved it 11 131