Kids: Today, I finally bought the toy my two year old son always wanted....

By Bob - United States

Today, I finally bought the toy my two year old son always wanted. He would always tap on the TV when the commercial for it would appear. I give him the present, and he starts playing with the bag. FML

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Kids

You tried

Spoiled for choice

Social distancing

By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend's dad refused to give me permission to marry his daughter because I'm "covered in gang tattoos" and he doesn't want his daughter marrying a criminal. The only tattoos I have are the Game of Thrones direwolf and a quote from the Lord of the Rings movies. FML

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By "Kymberly Hams" - Australia

Today, my toddler was supposed to be taking a nap. Instead, he decided it was the perfect time to remove his own nappy for the first time ever. He painted his walls, floor, bed and body, then started crying because he was dirty. FML

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By chelse_elyce - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend in his car. We were in the front seat and I was on top. My ass hit the horn and scared my boyfriend so bad, he jumped, causing me to hit my head so hard that I swear I got a concussion. FML

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By desperate905 - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Netherlands

Monday morning blues

Today, I set my alarm half-an-hour earlier so I could masturbate. That's how horny and single I am. FML

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By sm702 - United States

Today, I took my mom to Victoria's Secret to help her find a bra. She made me try one on to see if it looked good on me. Turns out we have the same cup size. I'm a guy. FML

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By nba

Today, my coworkers threw me a going away lunch, since I’m moving on to a better opportunity. Nothing reminds you why you’re leaving like being the last person to your own party, and picking over the minuscule amount of food scraps that are left. FML

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By Anonymous

Caddy Shack

Today, I've had people calling the golf course just to ask what the weather's going to be like tomorrow. I’m a golf professional, not the weather man. FML

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By swaiteATC - United States

Today, I was sitting in the break room at work eating lunch when I started to choke. My face turned red and tears began welling up in my eyes. Two of my coworkers were there. They began to argue over who would have to give me the heimlich maneuver rather than helping. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I was making my bed, which would normally be a simple task, until I leaned into the wooden foot of my bed, and put my entire body weight on my left nut. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was relaxing alone at a bar when I was approached by the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen. She was too good to be true, so I asked, "Is this some kind of a prank?" She immediately turned around and left. She thought I was calling her ugly. I'll never see her again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dekalb

Today, I found out I was passed over for the promotion I've wanted for 9 months at the fast food restaurant I work in. Who got the job? The 16 year old girl I trained 2 weeks ago. Their excuse was, "She has ambition." I'm going to college for food service management. She failed her drug test. FML

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By justine - United States

Today, I went to see a play. I'm pregnant, so I always need to pee. At intermission, I ran to use the bathroom, but there was a really long line. I asked the woman in front of me if I could pass her. She responded, "You don't look pregnant!", and lectured me about lying while I peed my pants. FML

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43866

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By longing for emancipation - United States - Mitchell

Today, my mom claimed that lactose intolerance is a "myth" and told me to drink my damn milk because it's good for my bones. FML

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By Citivolus - 11/5/2021 11:00 - United States

Druggies

Today, I found out my brother and his girlfriend stole my wedding ring, my checkbook and my disabled son's iPad to fuel their drug habit. I'm $600 overdrawn and have no food. FML

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By littlelia

Mirror, mirror…

Today, my fiance's mother asked him how he can be with someone with chronic pain for the rest of his life. She has chronic health problems too, but doesn't see how this is a hypocritical question. FML

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By SayCheese - Canada - Prince George

Today, my older brother walked in on me while I was wearing nothing but a bra, panties, pantyhose, and high heels. I'm his little brother. FML

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25947

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I was worried about passing an exam, so I hid a note under my skirt. When the guy next to me was finished, I had to get up so he could leave. With no time to hide the note, I stood in front of the entire class, hand over my crotch, looking as if I had to pee. FML

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8645

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By JC12345 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. Afterwards we went to Applebees for dinner, then after we'd ate I asked "How was it?" he says "It was terrible", to which I said "The food was that bad?" He replies "No, the sex". FML

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By elo - France

Today, I woke up beside a disgusting guy I didn't know. He told me he was the best friend of the handsome guy I was hitting on yesterday evening. I can't remember at which point I got mislead into bringing the wrong one home. FML

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By t-dawg - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny if I put a 'Free if Hot-Wired' sign on my friend's car. I guess it worked. FML

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By d4rkxf0x - United States - Lindale

Today, I found the iPod touch that my mother claimed was stolen at the mall a few years ago, lying on her bed, still logged in to her Facebook. Thanks, mom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I confessed to my best friend that I love him and always have. He whispered to himself, "Why do the fat chicks always want me?" FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2021 08:01

Get that pup out of there!

Today, my girlfriend is so stubborn, she refuses to admit she hates the dog she insisted she had to have 6 months ago. I also hate dogs, so I told her everything dog-related was her problem, especially the pee/poop. Everyone knows she hates the dog but she still refuses to rehome it. FML

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By Burnt - United States

Today, while changing a light bulb, I was electrocuted. I screamed before I blacked out. My entire family was home and heard me scream, but didn't come and check because they were too busy watching Glee. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2020 05:02

A mind of its own

Today, I realized I'm getting fat. When going for a drive, I plugged my phone in to listen to music. I put the phone in my lap to start driving and my gut changed the song. FML

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1007

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By unknown - Philippines

Today, I thought it would be funny to put a few extra spoonfuls of sugar in my co-worker's coffee. He thought it would be funny to throw the boiling hot coffee over my crotch. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, while on vacation, I realized my parents and grandparents had been running off and doing quite a few errands lately. After doing some sleuthing, I discovered they were taking turns having blood-curdling sex in our other hotel room down the hall. FML

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By motherlessbride - United States

Today, my husband finally admitted to his mother he'd got married. No wonder she wasn't involved with the wedding. FML

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By Ugh

Today, I had my last assessment for my university degree in the form of an interview at 11am. Without doing this interview, I can't graduate. The interviewer was a no show. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Marlboro

Today, my teenage daughter tried to convince me that the UK is a part of Canada. After I pulled out a map to prove her wrong, she got all angry and defensive, and said that nobody's perfect at "geometry". My daughter is an idiot. FML

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56102

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By Heavy D - United States

Today, I was driving with my boss and she held her breath as we drove past a cell tower, because she didn't want to "breathe in any radiation." I have to take orders from this moron. FML

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27836

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By lol - Canada

Today, I was making breakfast. My microwave door was already open, but I couldn't figure that out so I kept pressing the button. According to Einstein, I'm now insane. FML

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By JohnB - United States

Today, I discovered that nothing kills a wet dream faster than a kitten who pounces on things that wiggle under the blanket. FML

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By username - United States - Elkhart

Today, my father told me to "go get a job". He has been unemployed for 3 years. FML

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By not-so-young-shortie - United States

Today, I was eating at a restaurant with my boyfriend, he is 6'2 and i am 4'11. Out of nowhere, the hostess started openly flirting with him, and asked him if he needed a booster chair for his daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my cat tried to jump up to the window, and missed. This would have been hilarious if I had not been sleeping under that same window, and then caught him with my face. FML

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By SingleWorker - United States

Today, I come home for lunch. I see a sandwich on the table with a note saying "I hope we can have a healthy new relationship, Love, Carissa." I see another note from my girlfriend next to it saying "I hope you enjoy your new relationship with Carissa." Carissa is my new step mother. FML

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By Somebody - 19/8/2020 17:01

Thanks for nothing

Today, my mother-in-law came over. Probably thinking that the needles in our fridge were steroids, and wanting to do the right thing, she took them to throw them away. I'm diabetic, and they were my insulin. I went into shock after she left and had to go to the hospital. FML

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By fisted - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was out for a walk, wearing a T-shirt with a fist on it and the words "Bump it." A guy came up to me, looked at my shirt, shrugged, and punched me in the stomach. FML

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By in pain

Today, I got into a bad car accident, where I got severe whiplash, swollen knees, and cuts everywhere. I called my boss to let him know I wouldn't be able to make it in and he fired me for being 'not dependable'. FML

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Top comments

By hk_fml | 9

#101731 - Saturday 11 April 2009 9:46

Awwwww how adorable
reminds me of that spongebob episode where he and patrick buy an expensive tv to play with the box

By ScottyD620 | 0

#101710 - Saturday 11 April 2009 9:39

Lol like a puppy, likes the thing that you didn't buy :)

sucks for you!

COMMENTS

By ScottyD620 | 0

#101710 - Saturday 11 April 2009 9:39

Lol like a puppy, likes the thing that you didn't buy :)

sucks for you!

By PureGold | 0

#101722 - Saturday 11 April 2009 9:44

hahahaha!! Kids...

He'll start playing with it eventually. And kids aren't supposed to play with plastic bags :P

Pauline96_fml | 20

#6155347 - Saturday 27 December 2014 7:44

No one said the bag was plastic. They do make paper bags.

By hk_fml | 9

#101731 - Saturday 11 April 2009 9:46

Awwwww how adorable
reminds me of that spongebob episode where he and patrick buy an expensive tv to play with the box

Karen626 | 8

#5543575 - Thursday 20 June 2013 8:18

Didn't squiward buy the expensive TV and then go psycho trying to figure out why spongebob and Patrick had more fun with the box??

crymore007 | 11

#5587236 - Friday 19 July 2013 5:15

They gave the T.V to Squidward.

By skimonster | 0

#101737 - Saturday 11 April 2009 9:47

big whoop. hes 2... what do you excpect?

By plethora | 3

#101738 - Saturday 11 April 2009 9:48

Let me guess: it was an insanely expensive and intricate toy aimed at well above his age-group, right?

By Inspired22 | 11

#101744 - Saturday 11 April 2009 9:49

He'll enjoy it eventually. At least he liked the box!

By Serial | 2

#101749 - Saturday 11 April 2009 9:52

hows this a FML...bags are a ton of fun!

By HiJynX23 | 3

#101759 - Saturday 11 April 2009 9:58

Why are you letting you 2 year old play with a bag?

By synnerr | 0

#101760 - Saturday 11 April 2009 9:59

How is this an FML? That's kind of expected of a two year old. Lol.

By littlemuffet | 0

#101764 - Saturday 11 April 2009 10:03

TV WATCHES CHILDREN.