Today, I finally bought the toy my two year old son always wanted....

By Bob - 11/4/2009 00:37 - United States

Today, I finally bought the toy my two year old son always wanted. He would always tap on the TV when the commercial for it would appear. I give him the present, and he starts playing with the bag. FML

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Kids

Dad jokes, part 43884

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By Anonymous - 17/11/2009 20:05 - United States

Today, I was at home with slight constipation, so I took two laxatives. That's when my boyfriend called me, saying his parents are in town and want to have dinner tonight, this being the first time I've met them. I've already been on the toilet five times. FML

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By brittbrat4 - 13/8/2011 06:51 - United States

Today, I was teasing my 12 year old little cousin about him liking my best friend. I guess it made him mad because he yelled "Breast cancer!" at the top of his lungs before power-punching my right boob. FML

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By sexychica - 21/7/2009 17:45 - United States

Today, I pulled up next to my boyfriend at a stoplight. He was in the back of a police car. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2012 01:06 - Canada - Windsor

Today, I saw my girlfriend walking hand-in-hand down the street with another man. When I confronted her, she claimed she had no idea who I was, and the guy told me to beat it. Later on, she returned to our apartment and actually tried to act as if nothing had happened. FML

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By Lauren - 9/8/2011 13:48 - Australia

Today, my husband declined a $100k/year job due to him thinking that a full time job at one work place would be too 'depressing'. I'm a nurse and have to wipe other people's arses for a living, then come home to this lazy dick. FML

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By sad associate - 19/12/2016 01:51 - United States - Bastrop

Today, I swung my arm with a product in my hand, and the product flew out of the packaging and hit an old lady on her head. FML

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By driver - 25/11/2009 22:24 - New Zealand

Today, I went to start my truck that I had parked in my driveway after a longhaul. The fuel gauge indicated I had a full tank. I didn't fill up. My neighbours' son decided to fill the tank with water with a hose. 150 litres worth on top of diesel. His dad's response: "Kids eh, what ya gonna do?" FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2013 17:42 - United States - Buffalo

Today, my son asked me if slavery was ever abolished. He's 19. FML

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By rabid_otaku - 20/9/2014 23:39 - United States - Sycamore

Today, I had to stop at a gas station to go to the bathroom. A sign on the door told people to knock since the door didn't lock. As I was peeing, a lady walked in on me. Rather than simply saying sorry and shutting the damn door, she opened it wider and stepped in to apologize. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2014 10:12 - Malta - Qormi

Today, after a dental appointment, my lips were numb. On the bus on my way back home, the cutest girl smiled at me. In attempt to smile back, I forgot my lips were numb and ended up spitting my chewing gum at her. I had to switch buses. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2015 20:50 - United States - Saddle River

Today, instead of canceling for the third consecutive time due to work-related reasons, my boyfriend sent his twin brother on our date. They both thought I wouldn't notice. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2013 07:24 - Canada - Milton

Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. He seemed thrilled, and went to buy some wine to celebrate. He left 11 hours ago and won't come back. FML

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By disneyworld - 14/2/2010 05:49 - United States

Today, my dad decides to tell me he's taking the whole family to disney world, even my step-brother's girlfriend. But not me, because he can't "afford" it. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2009 06:06 - United States

Today, I went to a wedding with my family. While the maid of honor was giving her non-heartfelt, three sentence speech, my mom and I started talking about how lame her speech was. When I turned around to look at my mom, I saw the camera recording the speech behind her. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2020 14:00

Unsanitary

Today, I demanded to know why my boyfriend takes so long in public toilets. He admitted his ex was such a nasty ho, she would drag him into public toilets whenever she wanted dick in public. So now every time he goes in one, he gets a boner and has to "get rid of it" before he can come out. FML

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By no more flips - 17/5/2015 14:05 - United States - Columbus

Today, I decided to impress my friends by doing a flip on the trampoline. What did impress them, was my lack of tears after I hit the edge of the trampoline and broke my nose. FML

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By WhoDoYouLove6208 - 11/10/2009 05:09 - United States

Today, it was my 19th birthday. My boss let me out early to celebrate. On my way home I was hit by a man doing 65 in a 40mph stretch of road. My car was completely destroyed. I spent the rest of my birthday sitting in the ER being treated for a pinched shoulder nerve and whiplash. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2017 03:00 - Finland

Today, my sad ass got walked in on by a relative while I was having an imaginary conversation, with an imaginary friend, and I was talking out loud. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2013 18:56 - India - Pune

Today, I decided to introduce my boyfriend to my parents. My dad just looked him dead in the eyes and said, "How much did she pay you? I doubt it was enough." FML

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By how the fuck did this happen?! - 11/9/2018 04:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I found out that even after having had my tubes tied, I am in fact pregnant. I have an 8-month-old son and his father just remarried another woman 2 months ago. Neither of them believe that the new baby is his. FML

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By Uhmm... - 13/5/2011 23:06 - Canada

Today, I walked in on my brother slipping into a pair of panties. Specifically, a pair of my panties. FML

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By penpendesrapen - 11/3/2010 00:40 - Philippines

Sink-dodger alert!

Today, I went to the bathroom to take a piss. While washing my hands, I heard someone taking a large dump in one of the stalls. When he was finished, he left the bathroom without washing his hands. Turns out he was the IT guy I called to fix my computer. He sat down on my chair and used my keyboard. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/3/2010 14:35 - United States

Today, I have a rash all over my face because yesterday my boyfriend broke up with me. Apparently, I am allergic to the something in the tissues with which I was blowing my nose and wiping away my tears. FML

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By fmT719 - 18/12/2011 23:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I came to the conclusion that my dad must have had a psychotic break, because when I came home, he was wearing sunglasses indoors, and blasted out Skrillex music all through the evening. The sound of diarrhea pouring into a gutter would make for better music than this. FML

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By jobless - 7/2/2010 06:12 - United States

Today, I realized after sending out countless copies of my resume to companies, I failed to add my phone number on it. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2009 04:24 - United States

Today, I was having an after work-out dinner with my ex-girlfriend and we were having a great time, catching up, eating good food, all the good things. Then when I got home, I realized I just talked to my ex-girlfriend for an hour and a half about how much better her new boyfriend is than me. FML

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By Screwed - 7/6/2014 13:31 - Australia

Today, I took some heavy pain medication before calling my boyfriend. I don't remember the call, but apparently confessed to really liking corn, and faking orgasms. FML

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By air - 13/7/2009 09:17 - United States

Today, I found out I was pregnant. When I told my boyfriend that I couldn't believe this happened he said, "I'm not going to lie, I didn't always pull out fast." FML

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By silentbutdeadly - 27/4/2009 22:04 - United States

Today, I was watching a movie with my boyfriend. His dog, Baxter, has a bad farting problem. I decided it would be okay to let a silent fart out and blame the dog. Baxter was outside when I blamed him. FML

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By Greenskies - 9/12/2015 15:26 - France - Corneilla-del-vercol

Today, I was talking to my boss at the end of an awesome internship. He said he was really satisfied with my work, and that he had considered hiring me. Turns out he decided not to because I smile too much and it unnerves him. FML

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By UngratefulBrat - 28/12/2012 07:03 - United States - New York

Today, my 6-year-old nephew opened his Christmas gift. The first words out of his mouth were, "This is cheap." FML

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By Partyofthree - 6/6/2017 00:00

Today, I work at a private pool where I can get up to six people in for free. Naturally, I invited my crush. She brought her boyfriend. FML

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By Ouch - 21/10/2009 21:55 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend and I watched Juno. When the baby is born in the film, I put my arm around my girlfriend and whispered in her ear that one day it could be us having a baby. She responded by punching me in the happy sacks and telling me I wasn't getting any from her in a long time. FML

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By anonymous - 4/7/2012 14:45 - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed. Two hours later I get a text from my ex announcing he has just been diagnosed with chlamydia. I now have to explain this to my fiancé. FML

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By YoshiSqu4d - 22/5/2019 04:00

Today, my father told me I was becoming violent because of the video games I play. I was playing Minecraft. FML

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By savanah_aaron - 31/3/2017 20:00

Today, I have to use the same techniques to trick my 24-year-old husband into brushing his teeth, as I do my 2-year-old. FML

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By moneymoneymoney - 8/10/2013 14:34 - United States - Tampa

Today, my financial troubles got so bad, I contemplated visiting a friend simply so I could swipe their deodorant. FML

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By ryan and Zack - 25/2/2010 22:30 - United States

Today, I walked over to my grandmother's house to pay her a visit. I politely knocked on the door, and there was no answer. Fearing that something had happened, I violently broke down the door to find my grandma and her new 80 year old boyfriend having sex. FML

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By LinaLinaYeah - 9/12/2011 16:26 - Canada

Today, my mom gave me my boyfriend's boxers that she'd washed after finding them in my camping bag. The boxers had "Big Banana" written all over them, along with pictures of bananas. FML

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By Jason - 31/10/2017 04:00

Today, I found out that my best friend's dad used my internet connection to make threats online. I'm going to have to go to court for it. FML

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Top comments

By hk_fml | 9

#101731 - Saturday 11 April 2009 9:46

Awwwww how adorable
reminds me of that spongebob episode where he and patrick buy an expensive tv to play with the box

By ScottyD620 | 0

#101710 - Saturday 11 April 2009 9:39

Lol like a puppy, likes the thing that you didn't buy :)

sucks for you!

Comments

By ScottyD620 | 0

#101710 - Saturday 11 April 2009 9:39

Lol like a puppy, likes the thing that you didn't buy :)

sucks for you!

By PureGold | 0

#101722 - Saturday 11 April 2009 9:44

hahahaha!! Kids...

He'll start playing with it eventually. And kids aren't supposed to play with plastic bags :P

Pauline96_fml | 20

#6155347 - Saturday 27 December 2014 7:44

No one said the bag was plastic. They do make paper bags.

By hk_fml | 9

#101731 - Saturday 11 April 2009 9:46

Awwwww how adorable
reminds me of that spongebob episode where he and patrick buy an expensive tv to play with the box

Karen626 | 8

#5543575 - Thursday 20 June 2013 8:18

Didn't squiward buy the expensive TV and then go psycho trying to figure out why spongebob and Patrick had more fun with the box??

crymore007 | 11

#5587236 - Friday 19 July 2013 5:15

They gave the T.V to Squidward.

By skimonster | 0

#101737 - Saturday 11 April 2009 9:47

big whoop. hes 2... what do you excpect?

By plethora | 3

#101738 - Saturday 11 April 2009 9:48

Let me guess: it was an insanely expensive and intricate toy aimed at well above his age-group, right?

By Inspired22 | 11

#101744 - Saturday 11 April 2009 9:49

He'll enjoy it eventually. At least he liked the box!

By Serial | 2

#101749 - Saturday 11 April 2009 9:52

hows this a FML...bags are a ton of fun!

By HiJynX23 | 3

#101759 - Saturday 11 April 2009 9:58

Why are you letting you 2 year old play with a bag?

By synnerr | 0

#101760 - Saturday 11 April 2009 9:59

How is this an FML? That's kind of expected of a two year old. Lol.

By littlemuffet | 0

#101764 - Saturday 11 April 2009 10:03

TV WATCHES CHILDREN.