The Top

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Ruined

By Halle - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my immature step-father rubbed my head, destroying the $300 hairdo that took two and a half hours to finish. Three minutes before my wedding ceremony. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 518

You deserved it 6 861

By NewBride - 14/08/2013 17:39 - United States - Lincoln

Today, was my wedding day. We had a beautiful outdoor wedding and everything was going perfectly as planned. That is, until a bird flew over us and left a present right between my boobs. I had to stand at the altar for 30 minutes as bird poop melted in my cleavage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 872

You deserved it 5 600

By Fattymuch - 14/09/2011 14:27 - India

Today, I was online looking up ways to lose weight, get thinner and be healthier, all the while eating a slab of brownie that was half the size of my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 979

You deserved it 52 013

By youreajoker - 10/11/2010 10:28 - Australia

Today, I was at the doctors office after throwing up for the past week. My diagnosis? Apparently I'm the first pregnant man. After several minutes of me freaking out and him explaining how it was possible, he told me he was joking and that I'm fine, but my reaction was the best thus far. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 592

You deserved it 19 676

You what?

By charliesangel123 - 21/02/2010 17:16 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I was waiting downstairs at my boyfriend's house as he got ready to go. His mom came over and said she was so glad her son had met me, that I made him really happy. I smiled thinking how nice that was of her to say. She then continued, "Still, he tells me anal is a no?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 562

You deserved it 3 733

By girlfriday - 11/06/2009 15:21 - United Kingdom

Today, my left-handed boss needed PC help. I said "right-click for the menu." She said nothing happened. Three times we went through this. Eventually I went over, asking her to show me what she did. She was using her right hand on the left mouse button. She earns £10,000 more than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 106

You deserved it 3 527

By ihatepokemon - 22/07/2013 22:14 - United States

Today, my boyfriend got angry because I laughed when he asked me if he should retire from being a Pokemon Trainer. He was serious. He's also 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 829

You deserved it 11 835

By Anonymous - 29/05/2012 18:43 - United States - Springfield

Today, while taking part in a lifeguarding exercise, I was supposed to "drown" to get another guard to save me. After all was done, my boss called me into his office and screamed at me for "drowning the wrong way," and threatening our reputation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 384

You deserved it 2 180

Demons

By Anonymous - 15/04/2009 19:45 - United States

Today, I was visiting my grandmother's house. She keeps the thermostat on 85 and after about 30 minutes I explained to her that, "I'm going to have to leave, it's just too hot in here." She replied, "You think it's hot in here, wait until you get to hell." I laughed. She didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 595

You deserved it 6 349

Landlords gonna landlord

By goingtobeevicted - 25/04/2013 06:28 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my new landlord and lettings agent made an illegal entry into my house. Unfortunately, at the time my boyfriend was buck naked, smoking a joint on the sofa, surrounded by the cats we aren't supposed to have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 930

You deserved it 48 245

Thanks, I guess?

By LocallyBrewed - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I met my biological parents for the first time, 29 years into my life. They turned out to be two of the most pathetic people I have ever met, and the meeting ended after they asked me to lend them money because I "literally owe them my life." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 319

You deserved it 2 797

Salt meet wound

By max5 - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - France - Casseneuil

Today, my ex-girlfriend sent me an email. I was excited that she wanted to make amends for cheating on me before I dumped her. No, the email had a photo of her making out with the guy she cheated on me with, and the caption, "What you wish you still had". FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 329

You deserved it 2 974

By Anonymous - 17/08/2012 13:31 - United States - Newberry

Spicy

Today, I was talking to my husband about how I wanted our marriage to improve and not just be sex all the time. In the middle of my sentence, he asked for a blow job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 481

You deserved it 6 906

By satanlovesme - 30/05/2009 23:22 - United States

Today, I had a dentist appointment. While waiting, I pulled out my Cosmo magazine to entertain myself. The woman sitting across from me points and tells me I'm reading "Satan's Manual." I told her I don't believe in Satan. She said, "You'll know he's real when you become his bitch!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 873

You deserved it 8 355

By prevostsrocklike - 11/05/2009 12:38 - United States

Today, I gave my wife a cat. The first thing it did when it got out of the box was scratch the sh*t out of my leg. Next, it ran up to my wife and purred. She said, "Good cat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 534

You deserved it 84

By Username - 14/08/2011 17:44 - United States

Today, the guy at Subway asked if I wanted to make my sandwich a footlong. I'm not sure what came over me, but before I realized what I was saying, I'd told him that I couldn't handle 12 inches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 813

You deserved it 10 500

By fml0505 - 09/05/2013 06:49 - United States

Today, as with every day, I had to endure my roommate talking to his wife in a baby voice. This is a grown man, who has had a beard since junior high, who literally talks to her like you would a puppy or a baby. Someone kill me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 903

You deserved it 7 759

fml0505 tells us more.

fml0505 22

Friday 10 May 2013 0:17

This is the OP! I live with a married couple because they are old friends of mine, the rent is cheap, and it helps them out with the bills as well. It's really not that bad, we get along really well. The baby talk just gets old when you hear it all the time ya know? I don't even think he realizes he's doing it at this point, and I don't want to get in the middle of their marriage. I'll just keep quiet, drown it out with manly music, and vent on FML! # 2 I will be long gone before they have a real baby. # 17 I am indeed very jealous of his beard. Also, they are not newly weds. And to clear things up, all three of us are roommates. He's not living with me instead of his wife like some of you thought. That is all.

By Anonymous - 20/03/2013 17:38 - United States - Kalamazoo

Today, I went out to Applebees with a girl I like and a group of friends. Someone asked if the girl and I were dating. She instantly replied with a bit of disgust "What? No way, never!" It would have been nice to know before paying for the last ten or so dates we went on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 346

You deserved it 5 679

Iceman226 tells us more.

Iceman226 17

Monday 25 March 2013 15:59

The dates were actual dates, she knew it. We had cuddle and make-out sessions as well. After that night I talked with her on where things were going. Turns out she still has feelings for her Ex overseas (there in a complicated relationship so technically it's not even her Ex) and she was just using me because she got "lonely." I'll admit that I deserved some of what I got as I was ignorant and blinded but it still sucks. Oh, haha, she says I'm one of her best friends and she still wants to be friends. Seriously FML

By stupdude3 - 26/03/2012 14:51 - United States

Today, I learned a valuable lesson: Make sure you learn to swim at a very young age, or else you might end up a in a swimming class with a bunch 3 and 4 year-olds, taught by your crush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 390

You deserved it 6 726

By Noname - 06/03/2009 19:13 - United States

Today, I found out my four best friends are going to Florida for spring break without me. When asked why I was not invited to go with them the answer I received was, "we don't think you would look very good in a bathing suit, and we want to be able to pick up cute guys on the beach." FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 684

You deserved it 6 447

By it's just a name - 10/01/2013 05:53 - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, my husband and I found the perfect house, in our price range and everything we wanted in a house. However, the street it's on is called "Arbour Butte Road". My husband refuses to buy it because he doesn't want it to sound like he lives "in a tree's ass." I'm married to an idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 343

You deserved it 6 328

Gun nut

By missbrit - 04/02/2011 07:59 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend got a new rifle. He forced me to watch him stripping it, oiling it, and sliding things into its barrel. We then watched 'Enemy at the Gates'. I basically endured 4 hours of gun porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 350

You deserved it 8 274

By meantowheels - 21/06/2009 02:29 - United States

Today, while walking in the mall, I had two people race past me in wheelchairs. Thinking they were racing, I started rooting for the one guy that was ahead. Turns out his wheelchair was malfunctioning and the other was chasing after to help. He then slammed and fell into the water fountain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 485

You deserved it 123

By Anonymous - 08/10/2009 21:26 - United Kingdom

Today, while driving home from work an old homeless man stepped out on front of my car. As I slammed on the brakes the man threw a bag of poo at my windscreen and shouted "Praise The Lord!" before carrying on as if nothing had happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 718

You deserved it 3 454

Assholes

By NoRespect - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I spent an hour setting up a delicate display stand at work. Not five minutes later, a woman barged in with her little kid, who immediately went up to the display and tipped the whole thing over. When I called attention to the mother, she just scoffed, "Isn't this your job?" and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 103

You deserved it 3 331

By nikkiquila_0699 - 05/09/2009 21:24 - Canada

Today, I came back from my 3-month vacation in France. During my vacation I lost 32 lbs and I was so excited to show off my new body to my boyfriend. When he walked in the door, he didn't notice me, but he did notice my younger, thinner and tanner sister strutting around in her bikini. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 422

You deserved it 4 873

By take a fucking seat, gran - 14/12/2013 22:05 - United States - Fullerton

Today, my psychotic grandma set fire to our Christmas tree because she refuses to let us celebrate what she calls a twisted pagan holiday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 293

You deserved it 4 036

By ambermcnulty - 05/01/2010 02:27 - France

Spicy

Today, it was the first time my boyfriend saw me naked. He grabbed my breasts and began to sing, "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts." He's 22. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 257

You deserved it 6 091

By Anonymous - 05/12/2010 06:25 - United States

Today, I got married. When my father gave me away, in front of hundreds of people, to my groom, he said, "She's your problem now." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 230

You deserved it 8 750

Epic prank bro

By Rachel - 20/07/2012 05:13 - United States

Today, I found out my late grandfather left me a significant amount of money in his will. I thought it was weird because he always acted like he hated me. When I got the envelope, there was $500,000 inside, all in Monopoly money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 985

You deserved it 3 593

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The Top

The Top

Today, I was taking a shower in a hostel when the girl in the cubicle next to mine decided to blow her nose onto the shower floor. The water from her cubicle was flowing into mine and I ended up standing in a puddle of fresh watery snot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 031

You deserved it 1 089

Today, just a few minutes after I got to work, my usually laconic boss came into my office and said, "Pack your stuff and get the f*ck out." Apparently, half my department was being downsized. Thinking it was an April Fool's, I burst out laughing and told him how funny the prank was. He wasn't kidding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 895

You deserved it 4 600

Today, I went out on a date with a guy significantly older than myself. I told him I really liked him because I can have an intelligent conversation with him, unlike most guys my age. He told me he just wanted to get into my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 408

You deserved it 11 030

Today, I'm 23 years-old and most of the people in my grade who I went to highschool with are taking vacations every month with their rich and supportive parents or their significant others. Some of them have never worked a job. I have to work every day just to make rent, and cut off my judgemental unsupportive family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 979

You deserved it 231

Today, I accidentally stepped on my cat's paw and she let out a deafening screech of pain. After treating her like a queen for the rest of the day as an apology, I accidentally kicked her in the dark, sending her flying up against the wall. I feel as though I should sleep with one eye open tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 874

You deserved it 450

Today, I’ve been at my new house for a week. My new neighbour’s dog barks non-stop all day, and their newborn baby cries non-stop all night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 864

You deserved it 130