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Smooth talking

By ...thanks honey - 18/08/2010 06:23 - United States

Today, I put on my new sexy lingerie to get my husband in the mood after work. When I walked into the kitchen where he was reading the newspaper, he eyed me and simply said, "Honey, please, your stomach is the biggest turnoff ever." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 703

You deserved it 15 077

By NotDying - 08/04/2015 12:26 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I started lactating. That would be fine if I had a kid. Or was pregnant. Or wasn't 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 727

You deserved it 2 735

NotDying tells us more.

NotDying 4

Wednesday 8 April 2015 21:21

Thanks for the comments and suggestions. This has actually happened to me a few times before. I have a strange medical condition that affects my hormones, so that is the most likely culprit. I am seeing quite a few doctors, and none of them are very concerned. They have conducted quite a few tests and nothing was too out of the ordinary. I do not have a tumor (thankfully). To #1, I have been told not to express it because that can encourage my body to produce more milk, but that was quite a nice suggestion. I didn't actually know they did that. :) #3 I am actually not on the pill because I reacted badly to it due to my condition. (I had my period for 5 months straight. Yeah, that wasn't very fun) Also, to everyone suggesting I may be pregnant, my purity ring would beg to differ ;P Again, thanks for the concern and the laughs :) but the situation is under control. Bye!

Wait, what?

By Sally - 24/07/2009 09:04 - United States

Today, my roommate came home and began changing clothes in the same room that my boyfriend and I were in. I quickly got annoyed and angry and when I began questioning her about it she just laughed while saying, "Oh relax, it's not like he's never seen me naked before." FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 463

You deserved it 4 794

By Zit-Blues - 04/01/2010 13:50 - United States

Today, I had a large pimple on my temple. I decided to try the whole "put toothpaste on the zit to make it dry up" technique that all the magazines say to do. Not only is my pimple still there, but the toothpaste irritated my skin and my already large pimple now appears three times bigger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 440

You deserved it 80

By serenti - 13/10/2011 21:30 - Sweden

Today, my boyfriend told me that the only reason he likes me is because I let him watch porn without throwing a fuss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 178

You deserved it 7 043

By fml - 25/04/2009 01:55 - United States

Today, I was walking through town when I saw a plastic bag on the ground. Trying to be a good citizen, I picked it up, intending on throwing it in the trash. When I looked up, there wasn't a trash can for another hundred feet. So I put it back down. Now I've got a $200 fine to pay for littering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 010

You deserved it 61 079

By Anonymous - 03/09/2010 20:51 - United States

Today, I was talking to my crush on MSN. She was telling me how her friend had passed away recently. I had two chats open and accidentally replied, "That's hilarious." FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 580

You deserved it 40 218

By Username - 13/02/2012 21:31 - India

Today, my misanthropic malcontent of a son smashed my air freshener and turned my faulty lava lamp on in a twisted act of rebellion. The bottom of the lamp broke and got wax everywhere. My room now smells like cinnamon, with a hint of freshly embalmed corpse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 924

You deserved it 4 806

By Anonymous - 09/11/2012 18:28 - Argentina - Villa Sarmiento

Today, I was giving my son a driving lesson. He blatantly ran a red light, so I told him to pull over to let me drive us home. As I walked over to the driver-side door, he instead locked me out and drove off by himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 986

You deserved it 7 382

By thjeltz - 27/10/2010 18:48 - Canada

Today, I was showering at hockey practice. It would have been business as usual, if not for one of my teammates playing with his junk and not-so-subtly asked me to connect. There are 5 more months of hockey. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 996

You deserved it 3 075

By Anonymous - 01/05/2012 08:24 - Australia - Bairnsdale

Today, I faked my age to win a colouring competition. I just turned 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 787

You deserved it 29 446

By Noname - 06/03/2009 19:13 - United States

Today, I found out my four best friends are going to Florida for spring break without me. When asked why I was not invited to go with them the answer I received was, "we don't think you would look very good in a bathing suit, and we want to be able to pick up cute guys on the beach." FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 677

You deserved it 6 444

Gun nut

By missbrit - 04/02/2011 07:59 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend got a new rifle. He forced me to watch him stripping it, oiling it, and sliding things into its barrel. We then watched 'Enemy at the Gates'. I basically endured 4 hours of gun porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 346

You deserved it 8 272

By meantowheels - 21/06/2009 02:29 - United States

Today, while walking in the mall, I had two people race past me in wheelchairs. Thinking they were racing, I started rooting for the one guy that was ahead. Turns out his wheelchair was malfunctioning and the other was chasing after to help. He then slammed and fell into the water fountain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 483

You deserved it 122

By Anonymous - 11/09/2010 04:53 - United States

Today, I was moving. While packing, I found an old photo that had been laying face down in the bottom of a drawer for some time, and some of the ink transfered to the drawer lining. There is now an image of my ex-girlfriend's face permanently burned into the bottom of my nightstand drawer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 118

You deserved it 5 766

Thanks Andrew Lloyd Webber

By bdavis - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I was using a power drill to take down the set for the musical we just finished. My long hair got caught in the drill, got ripped out, and now I have a hurting, bleeding bald spot the size of 2 quarters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 232

You deserved it 14 895

By Elrond Hubbard - 24/01/2015 19:25 - United States

Today, I drove my dad to Walmart to do some shopping. His leg is still in a cast after an accident, so I helped him to the last mobility scooter. A guy whose only disability was clearly Fat-Fuck Syndrome then yelled at us, claiming he needed it more and that my dad was a faker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 092

You deserved it 2 614

Survivor

By whyyy - 21/11/2011 23:26 - United States

Today, I came home to find my dad's mid-life crisis has finally started. He's blacked all our windows, barricaded the door to the backyard, and set up a bunch of security cameras in and out of the house. It seems he's been reading up on Survivalist and Masonic conspiracy theory bullshit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 929

You deserved it 2 685

Filling

By Anonymous - 12/10/2010 06:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I have a busy day of college work ahead of me. I figured I'd best have a good breakfast. Then I realised I'd completely ran out of food except for various types of sauces and condiments. So what am I having for breakfast today? That's right. A nice cup of Gravy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 684

You deserved it 30 618

By ohno - 14/09/2010 23:30 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend of 3 years out to where we had our first date. I proposed to her. She breaks down in tears as she tells me she's been sleeping with her co-worker for the past year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 692

You deserved it 3 236

By johncabbot25 - 23/12/2011 10:53 - Canada

Today, I had my first kiss with the woman I've been in love with for two years. Right as I kissed her, some guys drove by in a car and threw some soggy spaghetti at me, yelling, "Noob!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 019

You deserved it 3 499

By jesus christ - 01/10/2011 02:55 - United States

Today, I was giving an anti-drugs speech to a group of ninth graders. I got onto the topic of trafficking from problem countries and asked a student to point out Mexico City on a map. He hesitated a few seconds before pointing at Canada. What the hell has the education system come to? FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 371

You deserved it 3 459

By crushed - 11/12/2015 00:12 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mother won't let me intern at a prestigious college, working with graduate students and professors, and being paid, because she doesn't want to drive me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 276

You deserved it 5 054

By Anonymous - 09/05/2009 20:18 - United States

Today, I woke up happier than I've ever been because last night I hooked up with the girl I have loved for almost a year and I thought I would never get with her. This morning I saw that her status on Facebook was "FML". FML

I agree, your life sucks 82 536

You deserved it 7 260

By pdub523 - 27/01/2013 05:57 - United States - Longview

Today, I met my girlfriend's dad for the first time. His shirt said "D.A.D.D, Dads Against Daughters Dating, shoot the first one and word will spread". FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 213

You deserved it 3 819

By anonymous - 19/03/2010 04:11 - United States

Today, my boyfriend got off for real for the first time during sex. Apparently, he's been faking it for the past two months. I didn't even know guys could do that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 020

You deserved it 25 090

By grounded. - 02/03/2010 06:46 - United States

Today, I'm a 25-year-old married woman and I'm currently living with my grandfather to take care of him. Today, he grounded me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 091

You deserved it 4 091

By jobless - 20/01/2009 16:52 - France

Today, I've been dating a girl for a year and she's only touched my penis twice. Once by accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 072

You deserved it 12 994

I'm happy for you, but…

By Love stinks - 19/08/2013 13:06 - United States

Today, my band informed me that our gig this afternoon was actually a wedding. Whose wedding? My ex-wife's, along with the guy she cheated on me with. For their first dance, I had to sing what used to be our song. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83 619

You deserved it 4 769

By Anonymous - 10/10/2015 06:39 - Canada - Victoria

Today, my wedding celebration came to an awkward pause when my dad slapped my mom across the face and called her a whore after she admitted to having an affair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 224

You deserved it 1 882

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Keywords

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The Top

Today, my step mom and her kids moved in. This is my first night sharing a room with her daughter. She snores, sleep talks, and sleep scratches the side of the bed creating a sound like nails on a chalkboard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 788

You deserved it 3 421

Today, my friends kidnapped me as a surprise birthday prank, and threw me into my own car's trunk. As they drove the car to PF Chang's, I'm freaking out, blindfolded and hogtied. My car was low on gas, and they ran out on the highway. They left me in the car on I-275 for 9 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 866

You deserved it 206

Today, I had a meeting with the CEO about a promising job with good pay and benefits. Upon meeting, we immediately recognized each other. He was someone I used to make fun of in school all the time. He responded by refusing to interview me and had security throw me out by force. Karma bites. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 523

You deserved it 118 277

Today, my husband purposefully said something to upset me. When I asked why he would do that, he told me it was to test my Prozac. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 850

You deserved it 4 256

Today, I did a 3 hour long assignment for school. I was bored so I gave it the title "F***ing Assignment for a F***ing Teacher." I went downstairs only to discover that the printer was out of ink. So I sent it to her email, then I realized that I didn't change the title. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 808

You deserved it 59 056

Today, I noticed that when my boyfriend is sick, his sex drive goes through the roof. Too bad his stamina plummets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 837

You deserved it 216