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By Anonymous - 24/04/2009 20:21 - Canada

Today, I was getting ready for bed, when I decided to watch some porno on the computer. Suddenly someone from my messenger list says, "You might want to turn off the 'What You're Listening To' option if you're watching porn." I snapped and exited the porn. 63 people saw. FML

agreeclassic 21 644

vote type 1 77 927

By trashcanned - 06/04/2009 11:47 - United States

Today, it was really windy and rainy causing me to trip and knock into a little kid. While still gathering myself, I apologized and patted the kid on its head. Then I see people around me starting to laugh. I turn and look at the kid, and discover I've been interacting with a trash can. FML

agreeclassic 29 781

vote type 1 52 240

By Tree - 30/07/2010 11:34 - France

Today, my husband told me "The only reason I stay with you is because it's cheaper than paying child support." FML

agreeclassic 43 116

vote type 1 5 801

By pdub523 - 27/01/2013 05:57 - United States - Longview

Today, I met my girlfriend's dad for the first time. His shirt said "D.A.D.D, Dads Against Daughters Dating, shoot the first one and word will spread". FML

agreeclassic 37 213

vote type 1 3 819

Just the tip

By Anonymous - 28/06/2009 18:43 - United States

Today, I went into work to waitress on a table of 40 guests. They were my only table for the day and the bill came to over 700 dollars. After they left the busser was cleaning the table and threw out the credit card receipt which had my tip on it. FML

agreeclassic 65 938

vote type 1 4 112

I'm happy for you, but…

By Love stinks - 19/08/2013 13:06 - United States

Today, my band informed me that our gig this afternoon was actually a wedding. Whose wedding? My ex-wife's, along with the guy she cheated on me with. For their first dance, I had to sing what used to be our song. FML

agreeclassic 83 619

vote type 1 4 769

By Anonymous - 04/10/2011 18:31 - United States

Today, I spent almost $200 on a planetarium show with my boyfriend, who loves astronomy. He said his favorite thing about it was that he could pick his nose without anyone noticing. FML

agreeclassic 30 428

vote type 1 3 791

By Wwiimaniac - 25/06/2012 14:05 - United States - Dallas

Today, I finally achieved the perfect hourglass figure. Too bad I'm a guy. FML

agreeclassic 26 259

vote type 1 5 519

By Anonymous - 10/10/2015 06:39 - Canada - Victoria

Today, my wedding celebration came to an awkward pause when my dad slapped my mom across the face and called her a whore after she admitted to having an affair. FML

agreeclassic 32 222

vote type 1 1 881

By trick or not treat - 31/10/2009 22:26 - France

Today, I bought fifteen bags of candy for the trick-or-treaters. I sat outside with a bowl of candy the whole night. Only one person came. FML

agreeclassic 37 402

vote type 1 7 234

By hungry - 13/10/2013 05:23 - United States

Today, I heard that there was supposed to be a huge blizzard heading our way, so I went out to stock up on groceries. After spending $600 on food, I drove home and packed most of it into the fridge and freezer just in time for our power to go out. FML

agreeclassic 44 828

vote type 1 26 636

Great timing, dude

By ugly - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, I was telling my best friend that I was feeling unattractive, and that I never get asked out. As she was trying to make me feel better, we were interrupted by a stranger trying to hit on her. FML

agreeclassic 30 840

vote type 1 3 657

By Anonymous - 24/05/2012 04:59 - United States - Humble

Today, I went into my classroom to find a bag of shit on my desk with a note saying, "Thanks for failing me b*tch!" FML

agreeclassic 27 226

vote type 1 7 529

By muddled - 02/05/2012 06:16 - United States - Joliet

Today, I realized I have more in common with a cantaloupe than I do with my boyfriend. FML

agreeclassic 23 917

vote type 1 5 143

By Anonymous - 17/12/2011 07:47

Today, I found out the hard way what it sounds like when you take the first letter of my first name, A, and put it with my last name, Hole. FML

agreeclassic 27 724

vote type 1 3 895

By biscuit - 07/01/2011 05:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to walk three miles home from work. Both my parents were at home. The reason they wouldn't collect me is apparently because I've "gotten so fat, your grandma cried after she saw you". FML

agreeclassic 22 446

vote type 1 25 835

Yummy

By Anonymous - 15/04/2009 06:19 - United States

Today, I saw a commercial for some sort of meaty beef dish. The camera zoomed in and my mouth watered because it looked so delicious. Then flashed the next scene: Golden Retrievers running through a field, then eating from their bowl. My mouth just watered for a dog food commercial. FML

agreeclassic 47 503

vote type 1 24 495

By CassidyQueen - 06/06/2015 02:14 - United States - Warrenton

Today, I moved in with my boyfriend because my parents kicked me out. He said that if I ever touch his "fucking apple jacks" he will "chop" my nipples off and feed them to the dog. FML

agreeclassic 31 255

vote type 1 5 581

By LagSwitchFTW - 25/01/2013 22:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I played an intense paintball match, with me and my friends versus my boyfriend and his buddies. When we won, my boyfriend went mental and said he only lost because of "lag". When I pointed out we weren't in a video game, he reacted by firing a paintball straight into my chest. FML

agreeclassic 43 095

vote type 1 6 020

Quite the effort

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, someone peed in my physical education locker. The only way someone could've done it is with a ladder. I'm so popular it hurts. FML

agreeclassic 30 887

vote type 1 5 369

By Cougar - 24/07/2009 19:05 - United States

Today, I was at work when my mother called. She gave me great news that she had finally cleaned out my room and all those "old and useless" books that I had in there. Those "useless" books that she had just trashed were all antiques and worth about $500 each. There were 27 books in there. FML

agreeclassic 58 742

vote type 1 5 220

Public freakout time

By camzzz - 02/07/2011 08:27 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were walking around when she got lost in a crowd. And me, being a pig, playfully grabbed her butt. I realized it wasn't hers when the guy whose butt I'd grabbed by accident knocked me unconscious. FML

agreeclassic 12 198

vote type 1 47 828

By Kingspin - 30/03/2011 16:14 - Canada

Today, I woke up to a beautiful sunrise, the smell of bacon in a frying pan, and some dickhead trying to pick the lock on my front door. FML

agreeclassic 36 686

vote type 1 2 920

Kingspin app_comment_confession_title

Kingspin 0

Thursday 31 March 2011 0:12

...How would I explain the third degree burns and traces of bacon grease? And he ran off luckily.

By dollarstorepwnr - 19/03/2011 05:37 - Canada

Today, my dad cussed out an individual on the phone because he thought it was a telemarketer. He was my Indian girlfriend's father. FML

agreeclassic 44 681

vote type 1 4 915

By Somerandomguy64 - 10/12/2013 18:04 - United States - Pleasantville

Today, my wife made a system where I earn gaming time by either giving her money or doing her favors. Now whenever I use my phone, she accuses me of "secretly playing Xbox games" and gets pissed at me. I'm 28 years-old. FML

agreeclassic 46 274

vote type 1 9 770

By thatonekid - 27/07/2009 23:10 - United States

Today, my best friend told me she was pregnant over the phone. While in the middle of telling her congrats, she told me it was with my boyfriend. FML

agreeclassic 70 517

vote type 1 3 556

Caught in 404p

By Anonymous - 30/06/2009 04:49 - Canada

Today, my mom had a talk with me while my dad was out. She said to stop using her lotion for my masturbation sessions. I asked her how long did she know. She replied with, "Ever since we put up that camera in the living room for burglars, where you happen to watch your porn." FML

agreeclassic 29 328

vote type 1 51 605

By peceout - 02/12/2014 08:48 - Sweden - Vallda

Today, I met an American guy at a bar. I felt flattered when he said, "You know what they say about Swedish girls, all so beautiful." After a pause, he filled in with, "What the fuck happened to you?" FML

agreeclassic 40 852

vote type 1 3 532

peceout app_comment_confession_title

peceout 29

Tuesday 2 December 2014 21:57

You are right, but this pic is me. I felt bad so I changed it, I hope You guys don't think any less of me.

By Anonymous - 25/05/2012 01:37 - United States - Lawrence

Today, my teenage daughter asked me if accents are hereditary. FML

agreeclassic 22 731

vote type 1 4 240

By Anonymous - 06/07/2011 23:38 - United States

Today, my family attended the funeral of an old family friend's baby, who died in childbirth. Afterwards, my husband went around snickering and quietly telling dead baby jokes to the other attendees. FML

agreeclassic 57 750

vote type 1 6 251

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Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Kids Parenting Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Intimacy Suspicious Sex Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

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Today, at around 2 a.m., I texted my crush that I liked him. He replied that he's in a relationship. I just felt a tight knot in my stomach and couldn't breathe for a few seconds. FML

agreeclassic 676

vote type 1 954

Today, my husband told me that he can't find his passport. We're supposed to be leaving for Prague in two days. He's known about the trip for months. It was the anniversary vacation that was going to help our frayed relationship. Now my money is going to a hotel in Prague, but I'm not. FML

agreeclassic 31 827

vote type 1 4 322

Today, while riding the bus, I saw my ex-girlfriend get on. Despite several seats being open, she specifically sat next to me. I was at first happy, thinking she might want to make up. Nope, she instead blocked me in with her bag and spent the entire time showing me pictures of her new lover's dick. FML

agreeclassic 9 040

vote type 1 1 132

Today, I realized that even the worst criminals have girls falling for them, and meanwhile, I just got ghosted again. FML

agreeclassic 806

vote type 1 255

Today, my friends, led by my best friend, threw me a surprise party. Bearing a cake, they all happily yelled, "SURPRISE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" by suddenly barging in… through the bathroom door. I was on the toilet, in the middle of taking a dump. FML

agreeclassic 511

vote type 1 68

Today, a lady came in screaming at me, demanding to see my manager and asked for the “corporate office” phone number. She had received a letter from the IRS stating that she owes $8,000. She threatened to “sue me dry” if I didn’t “take the charges off.” I simply man the front desk at the tax services office. FML

agreeclassic 915

vote type 1 98