Today, I was expelled from school. By my own mother. FML - FML

By Kulcha - 13/2/2009 11:07 - Australia

Today, I was expelled from school. By my own mother. FML

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Crowded House

Does it taste good?

Great boyfriend

By desperate905 - 21/2/2012 08:10 - Netherlands

Today, I set my alarm half-an-hour earlier so I could masturbate. That's how horny and single I am. FML

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By Rotarius - 23/8/2012 18:09 - Canada - Toronto

Today, instead of staying home, I took an hour-long bus ride in the middle of the night to my girlfriend's place because on the phone she said, "I desperately need your body right now". It turned out she was just cold. She is also on her period. FML

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By Me - 10/9/2010 05:30 - United States

Today, my family and I argued whether getting a period or boner in the middle of class was worse. At the dinner table. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2017 23:15

Clever girl.

Today, I made a cup of coffee for a lovely old lady on the dementia ward. She asked for quite a lot of sugar in her drink, but I didn't question it. The moment I gave her the coffee, she threw it all over me. While scalding my skin, it also stuck to me. FML

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By anonymous - 3/8/2009 07:37 - Taiwan

Today, my cousins and I were bored so we began talking about weird dreams we've had. My little cousin turns to me and says "I had a dream you were in a beauty contest. You lost badly". FML

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By catdog - 2/1/2013 06:07 - United States - West Sacramento

Today, my neighbor went on vacation, leaving me in charge of his cat and dog. For some reason, he calls his dog "Cat" and his cat "Dog". There are two pet food containers, one labeled "Cat" and the other labeled "Dog". I have no idea which one goes to which animal. FML

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By jcdc - 20/5/2012 15:03 - United States - Georgetown

Today, I spilled boiling water on my legs. A coworker told me that putting mustard on the burn would heal it. I ended up at the emergency room. When people walked by I could hear them say "it smells like hot dogs". FML

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By GoDiarrhea - 4/3/2010 18:52 - Argentina

Today, I came down with sudden diarrhea while at taekwondo practice. I discreetly called my dad for a pickup, but on our way out, he told my instructor that I had to go because I was "shitting my pants with fear". He did this in front of all my classmates. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2020 20:00

Give me a break!!

Today, in an effort to avoid having the same break as my annoying coworker, I went a little earlier than I usually do. Guess who got moved to a position with an early break? She sat next to me. FML

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By blehhx - 9/4/2011 05:32 - United States

Today, I found out my cat is allergic to ME. No kidding. FML

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By shifala - 22/1/2015 09:02 - Philippines - Caloocan

Today, I was riding my bike to work in a hurry and hit a pothole. I flew off and hit the ground hard. I was badly shaken, but an old lady came over, checked me out and helped me to my feet. After she left the scene, I realized she'd pickpocketed my wallet while "helping" me. FML

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By FastFlight - 23/6/2009 06:12 - United States

Today, my daughter used pledge to clean the wooden staircase. I found out when I tried to walk down them in socks. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2009 15:33 - United States

Today, the dry cleaner next to my house went up in flames. I went outside to look at the fire, as I looked on in amazement I realized I had dropped off all of my work clothes at the cleaners two days before. I was supposed to pick them up today but was too lazy to walk the 10 feet to the store. FML

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By JJBones - 29/6/2012 10:03 - Canada - Red Deer

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend doesn't have time to text me back, but he does have time to post an entire Facebook album dedicated to cats. FML

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By Kevin - 12/4/2011 19:25

Today, while at an important meeting at work, I got to watch helplessly as a police officer gave me a parking meter ticket. Added to that my boss chewed me out for "never paying attention and staring out the window during meetings". FML

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By tima - 27/6/2018 01:30

* backs away slowly *

Today, I went to visit my long-distance boyfriend for the first time. His room is decorated top to bottom with swastikas and confederate flags. FML

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By heeeeeyitsbrittney - 9/5/2019 08:00

Today, I cut myself with a butter knife while trying to get a piece of brownie from a pan. I don't think I was meant to survive on Earth for very long. FML

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By wtf - 20/6/2011 07:43 - Canada

Today, I found out my wife isn't cheating. She says she's just getting older and sex isn't important anymore. She's 27. FML

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By catt - 17/10/2014 20:12 - Germany - Berlin

Today, my boyfriend tried to rid me of my hiccups. As he'd screamed at me and I'd pissed my pants, I just burst into tears. FML

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By ::Tracy:: - 17/4/2011 09:32 - Australia

Today, a young boy helped me carry my groceries home. He then asked me to sign his sheet to certify that he had done half an hour of service to the elderly. I'm 46. FML

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By anonymous - 15/1/2012 05:58 - United States

Today, my crush grabbed my butt while I was walking up the stairs. In surprise I farted. He won't even look me in the eyes now. FML

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By Knaxer - 12/12/2015 17:22 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, I was riding my motorcycle when a guy cut me off at a light. I honked and swore at him when a bug flew into my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2014 17:22 - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, my boss bitched me out on the sales floor for a good 10 minutes, because I wasn't "smiling the right way" for our customers. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2013 21:53 - New Zealand - Napier

Today, my girlfriend sent her new boyfriend over to my place to break up with me for her. FML

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By innocent cat lady - 7/7/2015 18:19 - United States

Today, my boyfriend freaked out at me because he found a couple of orange hairs in my bed and he knows my ex is a redhead. He also knows I have two orange cats. FML

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By BFons - 15/12/2014 02:07 - United States - Newark

Today, my wife and I are about to move across the country when the landlord for our new house called and said a water line busted and flooded the house. The movers are coming tomorrow. FML

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By meeks123 - 20/6/2012 05:03 - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, I was arrested for drinking in public. It was my friend who was drinking; I was taking the alcohol from her so she wouldn't be arrested. FML

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By maggieyokoi - 15/6/2015 19:11

Today, I had to explain to my little brother yet again that no, socks don't count as toilet paper. FML

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By vikingunicorn - 23/5/2010 05:47 - Canada

Today, I was feeling very ill after a severe anxiety attack. I asked my boyfriend to hold my hand until I fell asleep. He said he couldn't because he needed both hands to play on his gameboy. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2013 14:22 - United States - Big Lake

Today, I asked my grandmother to hem my prom dress for me. I'm her oldest granddaughter so I thought she'd be happy to do it. She said no. Her occupation is a seamstress. FML

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By busrides - 24/12/2009 09:35 - United States

Today, I saw the girl I had confessed my love to two years ago on the bus. We chatted for a few minutes and she got off on the first stop, saying that this is where she had to get off. Twenty minutes later, I see her in the bus next to mine. The bus number was 20. Like mine. FML

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By Username - 25/1/2010 05:19 - United States

Today, I found out that you need to clean your car more often when you find a mouldy burrito under the back seat. FML

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By Li - 24/3/2015 01:04 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I shouted, "Fuck off!" out of reflex when I felt someone behind me grab my bag and pull it off my shoulder. It turned out to be an elderly man with a walking stick, who was trying to steady himself in a busy crowd. FML

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By branwen5 - 9/10/2009 02:26 - United States

Today, I had my final divorce proceeding. The judge denied my divorce because my husband is unemployed. I can't get a divorce until he gets a job to pay child support. He hasn't had a job for 3 years. FML

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By why - 28/7/2014 01:55 - United States

Today, I listened to my best friend describe having sex with her boyfriend in explicit detail. This would have been fine, but her boyfriend is my little brother. FML

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By deserted - 1/9/2010 07:05 - France

Today, I was going to meet my friend at a concert. I got there before her, so I went in to check out the local bands that were playing before the headliner. When she got there, I went just outside the building to give her a ticket. The security guards wouldn't let me back in. She went in anyway. FML

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By Lizzy - 11/11/2016 03:01

Today, I tried to make things less awkward by complimenting my Tai Chi partner's ring and he says, "Thanks, it's a purity ring!" I said, "I used to have one of those. Would you believe me if I said I lost it in a river?" Now my entire Tai Chi class thinks I lost my virginity in a river. FML

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By aswamk - 19/12/2015 05:01 - Pakistan - Karachi

Today, my constant constipation has become a running joke in my family; I heard my mom tell my dad that if he wants to keep his Christmas presents safe, he should ask me to eat them. FML

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By IronMonkey - 9/6/2009 19:39 - United States

Today, I work for a company that sells a leading brand of condoms. They give away free condoms to employees at the office. I haven't gotten laid since I began working here. FML

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By Becca - 11/4/2012 03:49 - United States - Tampa

Today, while walking to work, I swore I saw one of my old friends from college standing in the park across the street. I started shouting her name and waving my hands like a maniac to get her attention. It was a statue. FML

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Top comments

By Flora_fml | 6

#1929 - Friday 13 February 2009 19:00

Are you home-schooled?

By beyodar | 0

#1906 - Friday 13 February 2009 18:02

lol, my mom used to work at my school...
It was the WORST

Comments

By beyodar | 0

#1906 - Friday 13 February 2009 18:02

lol, my mom used to work at my school...
It was the WORST

Reply

qwillis98 | 20

#4714952 - Saturday 21 July 2012 4:59

WHO THINKS HE DISERVED IT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Reply

jjessen | 20

#5577674 - Saturday 13 July 2013 3:21

The same number of people who say FYL

By ouch_ouch | 0

#1925 - Friday 13 February 2009 18:53

sheesh what did you do?

By Flora_fml | 6

#1929 - Friday 13 February 2009 19:00

Are you home-schooled?

Reply

SoFarSoG00d | 0

#858940 - Monday 15 February 2010 19:14

ROFL

Reply

2kool4skoolyo | 0

#1241556 - Saturday 14 August 2010 20:41

llololool that is funny sir

Reply

minesbiggerr | 25

#6073740 - Thursday 25 September 2014 15:26

Maybe the mom is a principle or a vice-principle?

By Dr_Phil | 0

#1934 - Friday 13 February 2009 20:14

i call B.S. on this post.

By katieatieay | 0

#2175 - Saturday 14 February 2009 17:02

thank you, #11.

By d_dh2310 | 0

#3274 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 9:03

ahahaha # 11

By coool_fml | 0

#20647 - Sunday 8 March 2009 3:15

agreed with number three. but my friend has a m0m who works at her school and it suckkks! she knows everything

By MukyDaCookie | 0

#83466 - Sunday 5 April 2009 4:06

ah well, she has to treat students equally.
im sure you didnt just get expelled but also grounded

By SvDxHaZe | 0

#137214 - Thursday 23 April 2009 21:31

hahaha that sucks ass

By tact_fml | 0

#228203 - Monday 25 May 2009 5:39

You dont get special treatment just cause your mom works at the school.

Thats a pussy thing to think.

Reply

Horsempeg | 25

#5754125 - Thursday 14 November 2013 6:10

Right. Just cause your mom is there doesn't mean you can get away with murder? Although sometimes your parents will be more harsh on you to prove there is no special treatment.