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By cclllc - 14/08/2012 09:06 - United States - Weatherford

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up. He now argues that he should keep the dog. We only dated for three months, and I've had the dog since I was ten. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 057

You deserved it 2 100

By SwAGkiLlS - 15/07/2012 15:12 - United States - Milwaukee

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend said that we should try something new. I got excited because I thought it would be about sex. Nope, she wanted me to start speaking with animal noises so we could build up a secret language. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 974

You deserved it 5 082

By pinkblankets - 19/04/2009 01:55 - United States

Today, I woke up with really dry, chapped lips. Still in bed, without my glasses on, I sleepily reached down into my purse for some chapstick and applied it. Upon awakening later I realized I had mistaken a mini Sharpie permanent marker for chapstick. I have a job interview today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 099

You deserved it 29 895

By ew - 04/10/2009 15:41 - United States

Today, I noticed that my acne has gotten so bad, I can see it out of my peripheral vision. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 100

You deserved it 9 184

By ihateyouatt - 18/03/2010 13:30 - United States

Today, I was trying to change my PIN code in order to make my phone more secure and prevent people from getting information from it. Instead, I somehow ended up locking my phone permanently. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 119

You deserved it 31 150

By LaurenLehmmman - 27/12/2009 22:22 - United States

Today, I was singing while lying upside down chewing gum. My dad was trying to focus on the current football game and hushed me. I yelled, "No!" resulting in my gum becoming lodged in my windpipe. I shut up after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 295

You deserved it 52 280

Hot stuff

By anonymous - 07/06/2009 06:18 - Korea Republic of

Spicy

Today, I met a hot guy at the club. We danced and had a really good time, so I invited him home with me for the night. The next morning, I awoke to the sound of what I thought to be running water. I looked up to find him, naked, and pissing into my air conditioner unit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 485

You deserved it 25 724

By daremetobecooler - 08/04/2009 15:53 - United States

Today, I saw a letter from Geneseo that invited me to apply to the honors college. Excited, I wrote the required two page essay on how I am organized. I then saw the strict deadline was March 15th. My little brother thought it would be funny to hide my mail. For the past seven weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 959

You deserved it 3 412

Team spirit

By annonymous - 06/04/2009 08:35

Today, I had a softball team dinner, and I was sitting with a bunch of girls who were talking about how far they've gone with guys. One girl goes, "I must be the least experienced one here, I've never even kissed a guy!" Surprised, I said, "Me too!" and high-fived her. She was joking. I wasn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 583

You deserved it 9 858

Nutella then?

By meeee - 21/03/2013 10:01 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a serious argument and he stormed out of the house mad. Why? I wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of his knob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 403

You deserved it 17 971

By Anonymous - 02/04/2011 21:05 - United States

Today, while shopping, I was grabbed and dragged off to a security room with no warning. Apparently, the way I was dressed and walking was suspicious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 556

You deserved it 5 076

By Anonymous - 22/11/2013 14:49 - United States - Clemmons

Today, I had to explain to my pregnant friend that her plan to get drunk and get a tattoo needed to wait at least 8 months. She then went out for a smoke to calm down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 677

You deserved it 4 259

The nerve of some people

By Inga44 - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend. He was at the police station for breaking into a model home to hook up with the girl he's been cheating on me with for the past four months. I was his one phone call. He was expecting me to bail him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 219

You deserved it 3 792

By Missy - 02/02/2011 18:16 - United States

Spicy

Today, I told my mom I broke up with my boyfriend because he wanted to have sex and I wasn't ready. Her reply? "Well, you can't stay a virgin forever." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 256

You deserved it 17 291

By fuckedbyahipster - 15/06/2013 16:13 - Finland

Today, I was lectured by a self-professed vegan over my "barbaric" eating habits, in between her scarfing down a tuna fish sandwich. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 753

You deserved it 2 892

By Anonymous - 21/10/2010 16:56 - Canada

Today, my boss walked up and smacked my butt. I am a 19 year old guy. My boss is a 50 year old woman. I desperately need this job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 322

You deserved it 3 791

By flufee2 - 23/04/2014 02:40 - Canada - Burlington

Today, I was at the sandwich shop I work in. A customer came in and requested an assorted sub. As I finished putting on the sauces, I looked up to see the customer's face set in horror. Apparently I didn't notice that I licked my fingers clean after getting some mayonnaise on them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 033

You deserved it 56 511

flufee2 tells us more.

flufee2 27

Friday 25 April 2014 2:21

The person i had ordering was a close friend of which i am very comfortable with. I guess you could say i got a little too comfortable! After we realized what I did, we just laughed and brushed it off. From now on i will make sure i wear gloves because I wouldn't want this to happen to anyone i don't know!

By usafprog - 27/07/2009 20:08 - United States

Today, while spray painting a rocking horse for my kids I left the can outside in the sun. When I picked it up it was hot to the touch and I dropped it. It exploded on impact and now I am more blue than the rocking horse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 604

You deserved it 22 130

By RayneWolf13 - 31/07/2013 06:31 - United States - Conway

Today, my husband bought me a big box of tampons. He claims to know when my period is about to start before I do. Sadly, he's right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 293

You deserved it 8 665

RayneWolf13 tells us more.

RayneWolf13 15

Wednesday 31 July 2013 20:06

I'm not complaining at all. Haha its just sad how I don't even know when its coming cuz it never goes in order. I'm very lucky to have him! :) Also, he doesn't buy me chocolate because he knows I hate sweets so he gets me water and pizza instead lol.

By keifer13 - 03/06/2009 05:22 - United States

Today, it was my high school graduation. I brought my camera to capture these last memories, only to discover that the batteries were dead. When I got home and went to change them, I realized they were not dead, they were just put in the wrong way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 639

You deserved it 56 270

By nadette - 25/05/2009 16:43 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She told me that her father didn't approve of me and forced her out of the relationship. Her father died 2 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 716

You deserved it 3 982

Patient confidentiality

By DocKreso - 28/06/2013 21:59 - Croatia - Split

Today, I had to remove a glass bottle, complete with an ineffective pullstring, from a patient's rectum. He claimed that he'd accidentally sat on it, and later threatened to sue me for every penny if I breathed a word of it to anyone. Oops, looks like I just did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 915

You deserved it 6 401

Reverse Uno card

By really_now - 26/04/2013 00:56 - United States - Reno

Today, I was driving when I noticed that the guy in front was on the phone. I pulled up next to him, pulled out my phone and I made a gesture that he needed to put his phone away. It was a cop. I got a ticket for driving while on my cell phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 101

You deserved it 34 419

By kaleigh - 31/05/2011 17:01 - United States

Today, as I was walking out of a restaurant with my boyfriend, I saw some guys checking me out. One of them walked up to my boyfriend and said, "Dude, you and your girlfriend have matching moustaches!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 816

You deserved it 10 199

Tripping

By Blank - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my new step-dad proposed to my mom during a family trip to Wal-Mart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 971

You deserved it 4 244

Get outta here

By JMcKay - 26/01/2012 03:36 - Australia

Today, I found out that if a jock calls you a nerd in the street and you retaliate with a witty comeback, be prepared to run. Fast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 102

You deserved it 6 147

By Itsbeen8years - 05/04/2015 19:18 - Slovakia - Stupava

Today, I found my first bra and tried it on. It still fits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 977

You deserved it 3 875

Record breakers

By DamnDominoes - 10/06/2009 11:39 - United Arab Emirates

Today, I had just a few dominoes left to complete the whole project that I've been working on for about three weeks. I pressed record on my video camera, flicked the first domino, and watched with pride. When it finished, I realized I hadn't actually pressed record. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 971

You deserved it 31 998

By maddiecat - 08/01/2013 05:34 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I saw Les Misérables. I was singing along to one of the songs when the guy next to me dumped his soda over my head and told me to shut up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 422

You deserved it 100 892

By flatchested Sam - 01/12/2013 00:16 - United States - Radcliff

Today, my mom said I should start wearing push up bras to make myself look better. I was wearing one when she said that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 839

You deserved it 3 956

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The Top

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Today, my mom texted me, “I just want you to know I love you very much.” Touched, I replied, “I love you too, Mom!” Her next message said, “Oops, wrong person.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 428

You deserved it 63

Today, I got into an argument with my wife over how she spends too much time with her gay best friend. Now she says that if I want to ever get intimate with her again, I'll have to let her watch as I give him a striptease. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 357

You deserved it 11 295

Today, I went to the doctor's. I had food poisoning last week, which led to diarrhea. The diarrhea was so bad it caused a hemorrhoid. The hemorrhoid somehow became infected. One bad sandwich, and now I have an infected asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 806

You deserved it 114

Today, after making out with my boyfriend for the first time, it took me an hour to convince him he was still a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 305

You deserved it 6 976

Today, I saw my crush at the grocery store. He saw me and started walking towards me. I got so excited that I farted when he came near. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 440

You deserved it 10 281

Today, my anus has given up the ghost. Now if I vomit, have a violent coughing fit, or orgasm too intensely, I will shit myself. Even if I have absolutely no gas or need to go. I'm scared to leave the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 892

You deserved it 139