Miscellaneous: Today, was my wedding day. We had a beautiful outdoor wedding... - FML

By NewBride - United States - Lincoln

Today, was my wedding day. We had a beautiful outdoor wedding and everything was going perfectly as planned. That is, until a bird flew over us and left a present right between my boobs. I had to stand at the altar for 30 minutes as bird poop melted in my cleavage. FML

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The road to hell…

Bustin' my ass

Blue Christmas

By AnnaWusHere - United States

Today, my 72 year old Grandmother informed me she's running for mayor. She's been going around town with home made signs all day campaigning to win mayor. She lives in my town. My friend called me asking me if she was high. FML

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By Saberwolf - United States

Today, I got a text from a girl that I've had a crush on for a long time, asking me out to dinner. I agreed and went to the restaurant. Not long afterwards, I got text from her saying something had come up, so she couldn't make it. As I was walking back to my car, I saw her walk into the same restaurant with another guy. FML

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By beanpole - Canada - Canning

Today, I had to cancel plans to go to the movies with the guy I've had a crush on for months due to a sudden case of the flu. This was already rescheduled from yesterday, when I had to cancel due to bad weather (after he had already left home). He thinks that I'm just making excuses not to see him. FML

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By inappropes

Today, I got an angry text from a random number calling me a lying piece of shit. I then realized that was the first person to text me in weeks. I ended up having a fake argument with someone because I was so lonely. FML

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By ShouldIHelpIt - United States - Northampton

Today, I woke up to hear dripping water in the kitchen. Thinking it was someone getting a glass of water or something, I came out to find that it was just a mouse drowning in my dog's water bowl. FML

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By a critically injured shitehawk - United Kingdom - York

Today, I brought my girlfriend home to introduce to my parents. My dad thought it would be hilarious to fill some clear bags full of flour, then pretend he was sampling a cocaine shipment when she arrived. She excused herself very quickly and isn't answering my calls. FML

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By Koko - Germany - Berlin

Today, my dog was so happy to see me that he laid down on his back and started pissing like a fountain. He pissed on everything around him, including me. FML

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By Neveragain - United States - Tampa

Today, while at work, a creepy guy blatantly stared at my chest for a good 40 seconds. Finally snapping out of his trance, he said with a wink, "You forgot your name tag." He was right. FML

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By Chris21 - United Kingdom - Bolton

Fast Cars

Today, a drunk driver totalled my new Audi. Who was the drunk driver? My dad. FML

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By facepalm - United States

Today, my brother called me a clueless idiot after I told him that odometers measure distance traveled, not a person's body odor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on a dimly lit red eye flight, I woke up to see my mom's head bobbing up and down in my dad's lap. I guess giving out stealthy blow jobs next to your sleeping son is no big deal. FML

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By MaHalKiTa - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend poops with "This is war" playing on his phone, and makes war sounds corresponding with his poop dropping. FML

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By nocatlover - United States

Today, I woke up to the news that my son had put the cat in the dryer the night before. He didn't turn it on, and the cat is just fine, but now I need a new dryer so my clothes won't smell like cat urine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I walked into the bank, I tripped and bumped into a security guard. He thought I was assaulting him, so he pinned me to the floor and called for backup as he held me at gunpoint. FML

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By Spider-Sham

Today, my mom volunteered me to help out at her coworker's 5-year-old son's birthday party. I didn't realize until I got there that "helping out" meant "dressing up as Spider-Man". FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my mother took me to go and see my grandfather, who I hadn't seen since I was 4. The first thing he said to me was, "Pfwoarr, look at those tits." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that the person sending me secret love letters was actually my dad, who felt sorry for me. FML

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By dangit - United States

Today, I went to interview with potential new roommates at a cooperative living house. I decided to bake cookies for everyone, and while touring the house, I forgot about the cookies and set off a small oven fire. All this after professing how responsible I am. FML

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By spleechick - United States

Today, I decided to bleach my belly hair. I bought some body hair bleach at the drug store, and I used it exactly as instructed. When I removed it, I was horrified to see my belly was about three shades lighter than the rest of my body. The hair was still exactly the same darkness. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was so zoned-out, I shouted a hello to the chair in the staff room. It's the third time today I've mistaken an inanimate object for a person. FML

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By jigglypluff - United States - Omaha

Today, my wife and I decided to try out role playing. She ended up having an anxiety attack when I said she wasn't turning in her homework. FML

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By ac19k - United States - Franklin

Today, I kept having dreams that I had made drunken snapchats. Those weren't just dreams. FML

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By eyeamcool - United States

Today, the police posted a description of the car of a child abductor. As everyone slowed down to read the billboard, I realized that the car's description and license plate were very similar to mine. After getting death stares from passengers, I got pulled over. Twice. FML

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By mareecasellafml - Australia - Belrose

Today, I handed out 20 resumes to a variety of stores. To my delight, I got a phone call the same day. Unfortunately, they weren't calling about a job, they were informing me on my resume it says, "I have a dick." All thanks to my boyfriend, who thought it would be hilarious. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up and went into the bathroom and noticed a dark mass in the toilet. Thinking someone took a dump and didn't flush, I approached the toilet ready to dispose of it. That's when I noticed its whiskers and ears. It was a rat, and it was alive. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after leaving my mom's house, I got 4 text messages from her about how I was a terrible person for not saying goodbye to my sister when I left. The "sister" she was referring to is the family dog. FML

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By moerae

Today, I was fooling around with my new girlfriend. I guess she'd never been with an uncircumcised man before, because before I knew it I had a frenulum tear and had to go to the ER. FML

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By tspence - United States - Genoa

Today, I found myself arguing with a 6-year-old over a game of tag. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I made the mistake of sneezing in front of a hyper religious customer, who for ten minutes blamed the incident of shifting weather patterns that signaled the return of Jesus, who was as she explained, upset about the abortion rates in America and President Obama. FML

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By theamericandream - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me to set up his new Mac and transfer all the pictures from his old notebook. Seems like he forgot that when he went on vacation 2 months ago he took pictures of him getting it on with another guy. We've been together for 3 years and just moved in together. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a creepy girl from my class wouldn't stop texting me and trying to call me. In order to get her to stop, I texted back saying that I was at my mom's house for a family dinner. She replied, "No you're not. I can see you right now." FML

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By faaail - Ireland - Cork

Today, while studying for a big test at the library, some idiots started playing hide-and-seek. After putting up with their snorting and giggling for nearly an hour, I finally lost my shit and told them to knock it off. I then got kicked out for causing a disturbance. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lemon Grove

Today, I was pretending a long corridor at work was a catwalk, when a coworker walked out just in time to see me prancing around like an idiot. Now the whole building is laughing about it. FML

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By lifelike - United States - Oroville

Today, after weeks of wondering if my cat has a fetish for licking my bed covers, I finally witnessed him licking up an ant off of the covers. Turns out that my bed is infested with ants. FML

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By ShayisPay101 - United States

Today, my daughter told me she wanted to be a stripper when she grew up, just like daddy's girlfriend. We're still married. FML

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By TasedAndDazed - United States

Today, I snuck into my boyfriend's house because I knew his parents wouldn't be there. Later, I woke up in a hospital bed because his sister thought I was a burglar and tased me. FML

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By a816090

Today, I got written up because I took a dump at work that lasted longer than 5 minutes, and I didn't punch out for it as a "paid break." FML

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By sherronj - United States

Today, I announced to my family that I will be trying out for the next season of America's Best Dance Crew. They responded by laughing hysterically and my mother said "You guys suck, good luck making it past auditions". FML

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By scared shitless - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my job as a night janitor, at which I work alone, I saw an old man enter a bathroom. When I went to investigate, it was completely empty. I'm now scared to work. FML

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By no spank - 11/8/2020 20:01

The Breeders

Today, my family once again mocked and insulted me for being the only one to not spank my kids. Apparently, they’ll grow up entitled and in prison if I don’t. Odd, seeing as my kids are 10 times better behaved than their kids, who get spanked on a regular. Ah well, here’s to hitting kids I guess. FML

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Top comments

By Trivision | 10

#5627804 - Thursday 15 August 2013 0:11

Well shit.

By JustJumped | 22

#5627812 - Thursday 15 August 2013 0:13

Surely someone had a tissue

COMMENTS

By Amb3rDucki3 | 12

#5627803 - Thursday 15 August 2013 0:11

Worse things could have happened. That does suck tho, OP.

Reply

horne2 | 9

#5627905 - Thursday 15 August 2013 0:53

I can't think of too many things that could have been worse.

Reply

katykoolcat | 13

#5627914 - Thursday 15 August 2013 0:56

Thats actually very lucky apparently. Hope you have a great life together.

Reply

happle | 21

#5627928 - Thursday 15 August 2013 1:05

Why didn't she clean it up right away?

Reply

Jake_Hale | 7

#5627947 - Thursday 15 August 2013 1:18

She could play it off saying "oh my fiancé didn't clean up his mess last night ;)"

Reply

punkyboy | 11

#5627948 - Thursday 15 August 2013 1:18

I'm glad first comment isn't someone saying that must have been a shitty situation.

Reply

Sfaizi24 | 17

#5627965 - Thursday 15 August 2013 1:39

She could have been dumped.

Reply

Ins0mau | 20

#5628042 - Thursday 15 August 2013 3:03

The Earth could have been blown up by intergalactic terrorist aliens.

Reply

threer | 30

#5628190 - Thursday 15 August 2013 5:16

And of course #55 would be a guy. ;p

Reply

Miss_Latina | 13

#5628304 - Thursday 15 August 2013 7:42

At least it wasn't on her lips or in her mouth then she wouldn't even get kissed

Reply

PinkieKeen | 20

#5628310 - Thursday 15 August 2013 8:06

Why didn't you say anything, OP? ._.

Reply

missrebecca3 | 8

#5629343 - Thursday 15 August 2013 23:37

it's good luck for your marriage though, only positive I could think of

Reply

Kyp_kingofhearts | 12

#5629836 - Friday 16 August 2013 7:24

I agree with #128. Why didn't she just say something or clean it up. It's gross just to let shit sit in your cleavage for 30 freakin minutes.

Reply

cassie94_fml | 20

#5633080 - Sunday 18 August 2013 17:17

Well, her grooms mates could've put viagra in his drink like another recent FML had

By Trivision | 10

#5627804 - Thursday 15 August 2013 0:11

Well shit.

Reply

horne2 | 9

#5627910 - Thursday 15 August 2013 0:54

Looks like op was in a pretty stinky situation

Reply

Jake_Hale | 7

#5627950 - Thursday 15 August 2013 1:19

I know right? What a shitty situation.

Reply

punkyboy | 11

#5627956 - Thursday 15 August 2013 1:23

57- wow you are the one millionth person on fml to use the shitty situation pun congratulations.

Reply

adamo_erebus | 25

#5627973 - Thursday 15 August 2013 1:44

Looks like the OP had a shitty day.

Reply

rocker_chick105 | 31

#5628075 - Thursday 15 August 2013 3:42

64- you're not any better...

Reply

trollololulz | 2

#5628259 - Thursday 15 August 2013 6:42

when will people learn the difference between a pun and a play on words?

Reply

PuggieKid | 22

#5628287 - Thursday 15 August 2013 7:23

Never

Reply

BellaBelle_fml | 23

#5629820 - Friday 16 August 2013 7:14

#121 - Umm…isn't that exactly what a pun is, a play on words?

By Crometer | 23

#5627809 - Thursday 15 August 2013 0:12

That must've felt and smelled horrible, congrats on your marriage though :)

Reply

Damian95 | 16

#5628045 - Thursday 15 August 2013 3:06

It just seems like one tiny bump on a great road. It'll be a funny memory someday. Congratulations!

Reply

cosicosei | 22

#5632727 - Sunday 18 August 2013 9:23

I've heard that if a bird poops on you it's good luck!!

By beclaurela | 17

#5627810 - Thursday 15 August 2013 0:12

I do think it could've been worse. At least it made for a speedy ceremony?

Reply

M3DIC4T3 | 29

#5628076 - Thursday 15 August 2013 3:46

The poop could have splattered all over her face, or down the front all over her dress, could have landed all over what I'm sure was her expensive hairstyle... The possibilities are endless.

Reply

CobraLazerFace | 21

#5628258 - Thursday 15 August 2013 6:39

Or the bird itself could of flown between here cleavage.

By JustJumped | 22

#5627812 - Thursday 15 August 2013 0:13

Surely someone had a tissue

Reply

ohcheriecherie | 20

#5627817 - Thursday 15 August 2013 0:14

one would think.

Reply

lexa1love | 16

#5627846 - Thursday 15 August 2013 0:26

Seriously! The maid of honor or someone should has stepped over and did it quickly. I couldn't imagine just standing there with it.

Reply

MikeonFML | 17

#5627920 - Thursday 15 August 2013 1:00

I can honestly say I would wipe this off immediately were I in this situation...it's 5 seconds of disruption for comfort the entire rest of the ceremony. Only if she was trying to hide it would I see this as a good decision.

Reply

Olympiakos10 | 15

#5628179 - Thursday 15 August 2013 5:07

Well it is white so it blends in with the dress.

Reply

MeowZebraMeow | 7

#5628306 - Thursday 15 August 2013 7:52

I hope you left it. It could have been your "something new".

By thatnucca | 36

#5627814 - Thursday 15 August 2013 0:13

Liquid missiles at their finest...

Reply

Bano360 | 25

#5627975 - Thursday 15 August 2013 1:46

Must have been some shot eh?

By phoneYuNOlisten | 16

#5627815 - Thursday 15 August 2013 0:13

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Narcoterrorist | 6

#5627851 - Thursday 15 August 2013 0:27

This makes approximately zero fucking sense.

Reply

vipirius | 18

#5627881 - Thursday 15 August 2013 0:40

I think 7 meant to say that she will get to have slutty marriage sex afterwards so not everything is bad. I'm only %69 sure though.

Reply

ryanthecheeseguy | 18

#5628093 - Thursday 15 August 2013 4:02

How the hell did that relate to the FML?

Reply

Jezzikah | 11

#5628204 - Thursday 15 August 2013 5:28

Maybe he meant like fecalfelia (sp?) Sex and bird poop combined? :p

Reply

lwonderful | 11

#5628213 - Thursday 15 August 2013 5:42

This makes absolutely no fucking sense

Reply

illegalbeagle69 | 23

#5628226 - Thursday 15 August 2013 5:52

How can it be approximately and absolutely?

Reply

TecheyTim | 14

#5629086 - Thursday 15 August 2013 20:07

I don't know where you come from...But here in the UK, shitting on someone's tits doesn't count a sex......

Just saying

By INDYSTRUCTABLE | 43

#5627816 - Thursday 15 August 2013 0:13

I think people would have understood you taking a moment to wipe it off, so you could give your fiance all of your attention on such a special day

By frustratedcelt | 18

#5627818 - Thursday 15 August 2013 0:14

Think of it as a blessing, it is supposed to bring incredibly good luck!

By noreallywhat | 17

#5627819 - Thursday 15 August 2013 0:14

should have called a time out YDI

Reply

Trivision | 10

#5627859 - Thursday 15 August 2013 0:32

I don't think there are "time-outs" in weddings...

Reply

Trivision | 10

#5627863 - Thursday 15 August 2013 0:34

Sports? Maybe. Weddings? NO.

Reply

Trivision | 10

#5627896 - Thursday 15 August 2013 0:48

Why yes, yes there is. :/

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#5627917 - Thursday 15 August 2013 0:57

With weddings, you get to spike your balls afterwards.

Reply

jondivey | 9

#5627981 - Thursday 15 August 2013 1:48

#26 Not if you drink powerthirst.