Animals: Today, I gave my wife a cat. The first thing it did when it got...

Today, I gave my wife a cat. The first thing it did when it got out of the box was scratch the sh*t out of my leg. Next, it ran up to my wife and purred. She said, "Good cat." FML

By FML Team

Maow this FML

There's nothing cuter than a cat. It can be noisy, it can scratch your leg or puke on your pillow, but it's always cute. And cute,...

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By prevostsrocklike / Monday 11 May 2009 12:38 / United States

Animals

Proactive

Smooth criminal

Sounds like a catch

By EffUrEll - Canada - Toronto

Today, while at work, a Beatles song came on the radio. I jokingly said, "These guys are pretty good, are they new?" Everyone thought I was being serious, and now they're convinced I'm an idiot. FML

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By Jessi - United States

Today, I found out that my husband was trying to cheat on me while I was away at basic training. I signed up for the service to pay off his debt. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Troy

Today, I saw some pretty heinous graffiti on the urinal stall at school, so I opted to scribble it out. A supervisor came in the second the pen touched the stall. Now I have detention and have to scrub the entire stall clean as a "lesson". FML

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By GrippedMyBalls - Korea Republic of

Today, at martial arts practice, a guest sensei wanted to teach me some "manners". He pinned me down and proceded to choke me while crushing my nuts with his hands and yelling at me in front of the whole class, "DOES THAT HURT?!!?" FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2020 02:01

Delusional

Today, my mom is 100% positive that she saw me meeting up with a stranger and buying some kind of drug from "him." I didn't even pass by anyone on my walk. I went to get dollar store pizza, because I can't afford to buy any decent food this week, let alone drugs. FML

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Today, I woke up at a strangers house after a long night of drinking. Before leaving, I decided to steal some mouthwash so I didn't smell like a liquor store. Thinking of the night before, I instinctively downed the Listerine like a shot and puked everywhere. FML

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Today, the waste disposal truck managed to tip over a portapotty on our work site, causing the contents to overflow and run down the bank towards my portakabin office, where someone had left the door open. All my money, ID and my car keys are now shut off to me by a river of shit. FML

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Today, after being a stay-at-home mom and picking up after my kids for the past 15 years, I got a job rejection letter saying I wasn't qualified. It was a housekeeping position. FML

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Today, my dad got angry with me for not watching "Better Call Saul" with him, because he thinks it will help me with law school. He did this while I was actually reading for a class taught by the top health law professor in the country. FML

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Today, due to an unforeseen pipe-related incident, I had to shave my legs in my backyard fish pond, while a plumber assessed the damage to my war-zone of a bathroom. FML

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Today, an older lady approached me at work and stroked my hair, telling me it was 'beautiful'. This isn't unusual, I'm a natural redhead and octogenarians especially seem to love the colour. However, the unusual part was the glob of snot she left in my hair from her unwashed hands. FML

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Today, my dad got extremely drunk, so I took away his car keys and left on foot. When I came back, I saw that he had broken down my door. Now my dad is mad at me for not giving him the keys when he was drunk, and I'm door-less. FML

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Today, I had a full on "conversation" with my cat about her laying off the catnip. I really need to get out more. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2020 19:58 - Canada - Markham

Keep your enemies closer

Today, the night before an exam, I found out my boyfriend of one and a half years was cheating on me with a girl who has the same name as me. Not only that, I ended up consoling her for hours as she cried over him. FML

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Today, I'm 3 days post-partum and my husband accidentally jabbed into my side while flopping onto the couch. FML

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Today, I took my girlfriend to a Bo Bice concert for her birthday. She loves him so I bought us second row seats. After we got there we ran into some friends of hers sitting way back in the lawn section, and of course she wanted to sit with them. I paid $300 to sit on the grass and watch Bo Bice. FML

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By "Geric Brawner"

Today, my car broke down in traffic. It's okay though, everyone honked in support while I moved my vehicle from the busy intersection. Only the third time this month. FML

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By thetallone - United Kingdom

Today, on the way home from a night out, I crossed the main road in my town via the traffic lights. As I got to the other side, a guy turned to his two friends and 'whispered' with a look of disgust, "I would have run that one over." Thanks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mountain View

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said she wanted to accept, but that she'd basically have to get her mom's permission first. Apparently the answer was no. The worst thing is that she really is this unhealthily dependent on her mom, and probably wasn't lying about needing her permission. FML

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By Never Going Back To The Doctor - United States

Today, at the doctor's, I had lots of papers to fill out so my boyfriend offered to help. We submitted them and the doctor called me a few minutes later. Under disorders my boyfriend had written, "Major cock craving disorder." The doctor couldn't stop giggling. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I poured my heart out to my girlfriend of two years expressing my feelings for her. She responded with, "I'm going to bed." FML

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By NotGay - United States - Lake Zurich

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By RiverRunsRed

Gamers rise up

Today, I've been debating all day on whether I'm going to have to sell some of my video games to afford pads. FML

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By danny5191 - United Kingdom

Today, I had a nasty cough, but I went to college anyway. When I walked into class, I could practically smell menstrual blood in the air. After a few coughs, our instructor gave me an "Oh, shut up!" After half an hour, she kicked me out for not "taking the class seriously". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was ringing an old man up in the local grocery store when I had realized all he was buying was 3 bottles of vodka and a box of condoms. While I was loading the bags into his cart he laid his hand on my shoulder and told me "I'd take you home with me but chances are I would be arrested". FML

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By serialkillingex - Netherlands

Today, my ex won a writing competition. His story was inspired by our relationship. In it, I'm a serial killing prostitute. FML

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By scarredforlife - United States - Brooklyn

Today, in public, a homeless guy looked me in the eyes and started wanking. FML

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Top comments

By NorfolkDude | 2

#188986 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:36

That cat was all like, "Don't ever put me in a box again, ****er." Then it ran up to your wife's leg and was all like, "Pet me, *****." Then it was looking at you and was like, "Yeah, ***hole, what now?"

Are you going to take that kind of abuse? I guess so.

By justdance45 | 0

#188977 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:34

LOL such a loving wife.
FYL

COMMENTS

By justdance45 | 0

#188977 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:34

LOL such a loving wife.
FYL

Person1233 | 12

#1457894 - Saturday 25 September 2010 23:58

Awesome, this hasn't been threadjacked yet.

love15_fml | 8

#1475384 - Thursday 30 September 2010 5:24

yea, loving of the cat :P

crapazoidburg | 0

#4735788 - Thursday 26 July 2012 15:52

Cats love women.

By jen_kay | 0

#188984 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:35

LMAO! Whata wonderful wife.

goodoldave | 17

#3938565 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 2:05

Good Cat

By NorfolkDude | 2

#188986 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:36

FatMan23 | 10

#2701182 - Friday 17 June 2011 10:10

I laughed so much when I read this that I woke up my neighbors.

By genius_man16 | 0

#188991 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:37

Well, you DID get the cat for your wife

By SpunkT | 0

#188993 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:38

The cat was probably just upset by being in a box, and since you were the last one to be carrying it in the box it's just mad. Nothing personal.

Your wive however... she's a bitch. I hope she was just joking.

bezach | 0

#930919 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 2:54

she's prob just telling it it's good for doing the purring and things not bbeing. s bitch-stupid ipod

By pippysthename00 | 0

#188999 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:38

You should have gotten a dog... they're more loveable in my opinion.

Furrywhiplash | 14

#3928764 - Monday 23 January 2012 11:34

I agree that dogs are more lovable, but they also require a lot more time and effort to take care of than cats do.

By abcdefg11233 | 0

#189000 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:38

she was probably joking...

By realggirl | 0

#189003 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:39

"Cat" = "it?" Cats are not objects; they are living beings. YDI just for that.

LunaKiai | 0

#1462775 - Monday 27 September 2010 3:51

i understand you are all for animals rights.. but seriously..

MetalFish | 0

#1463127 - Monday 27 September 2010 7:05

what's the betting #8 is a middle-aged woman who hasn't had any male contact in quite some time?

0___0 | 9

#1479602 - Friday 1 October 2010 4:44

Actually #8, you are wrong. The cat IS an object in that sentence. "I gave my wife a cat." The cat is being given which means it's an object, at least in the grammar sense. ^_^