Today, I gave my wife a cat. The first thing it did when it got...

Today, I gave my wife a cat. The first thing it did when it got out of the box was scratch the sh*t out of my leg. Next, it ran up to my wife and purred. She said, "Good cat." FML

By FML Team - 23/9/2010 12:47

Maow this FML

There's nothing cuter than a cat. It can be noisy, it can scratch your leg or puke on your pillow, but it's always cute. And cute,...

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By prevostsrocklike / Monday 11 May 2009 12:38 / United States

Animals

Doomed

Spread the news

Alternative medicine is bull

By Anonymous - 13/9/2010 22:24 - United States

Today, I was telling my friend about how my boyfriend never does anything nice for me. Confused, she replied, "That's odd, he's always doing nice things for me." FML

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By KaySchrages92 - 25/10/2011 01:46 - United States

Today, a neo-Nazi stopped me and commented on my blue eyes and blonde hair. He went on to explain that I could be "pure", and should follow him and other Aryans in the campaign to eliminate Jews, and other "abominations". Good thing he didn't see the Star of David necklace around my neck. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2017 13:00

Today, changing the garbage in the bathroom at work resulted in a hospital visit after an incorrectly disposed used needle scraped into my thigh. FML

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By pits - 5/1/2015 04:30

Today, I finally noticed after months of having the same cover photo on several websites, that it looks like I have a bushel of armpit hair due to a shadow. FML

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By athletiks - 26/3/2014 22:39 - United States - Pullman

Today, someone on Instagram posted a picture of himself with gym lifting straps around his neck. I commented "autoerotic asphyxiation" and now a 250-pound bodybuilder wants to kill me. FML

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By dontbadouche - 1/2/2010 13:45 - Senegal

Today, I heard the sound of footsteps in the basement. Thinking it was burglars I grabbed a baseball bat and hurried down the stairs. I then tripped on the stairs, fell down them and smacked my head on the bat. The sound of footsteps I heard? It was my cat playing in some cardboard boxes. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2010 02:49 - United States

Today, after playing on the same basketball team for eight years with the same coach, he kicked me off the team to make room for my younger brother, who I taught to play basketball in the first place. FML

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By Maggie - 18/3/2013 19:38 - United States

Today, my husband woke up, rolled over, and said, "Good morning, beautiful." He hasn't called me that in months, but as I was about to reply, I realized he was talking to his pet turtle, not me. FML

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By Mandy - 9/5/2009 06:19 - United States

Today, I finished a drawing that I spent over 14 hours working on for my mom for Mother's Day. I took it outside to seal it with fixative. I took of the clear lid, shook the can, then sprayed red spray paint all over my art. FML

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By twohoursclosertodeath - 26/1/2013 22:57 - United States - Austin

Today, I had to suffer through a two-hour long trivia game with my boyfriend's family. As if that wasn't annoying enough, my boyfriend caused the pair of us to lose by just a single point, because he answered "Quebec" to the question of "What is the capital city of France?" FML

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By poop - 8/3/2009 23:57 - United States

Today, I woke up at my grandparents house since my mom was out of town, still half asleep i went to brush my teeth. Mid brush my mouth started getting numb I looked again at the tooth paste I used..turns out it was my grandpa's anti-itch anal cream. FML

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By MrRadin - 4/12/2015 05:31 - France

Today, my roommate thought of a new idea for our household. According to him, we should take dumps at work as often as we can, that way, "we'll save on toilet paper at home." FML

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By tobuscus9412 - 22/3/2015 01:04 - Australia - Woronora

Today, my father decided it would be a good idea to give me the sex talk, at Target, at the top of his lungs. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had a rehearsal for a musical I'm in. I've worked my arse off to get the songs I sing in place and sounding good. Unfortunately, my coworkers haven't. Now the director wants to cut the songs I'm in because, "the people you're working with make you look shit." FML

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By YOUFUCKINGFUCKSOCK - 3/11/2012 00:23 - United Kingdom - Gloucester

Today, I gave a big presentation at work, hoping to impress my boss and angle for a promotion. I was already nervous, but a co-worker at the back kept making goofy faces, causing me to repeatedly break into laughter. My boss accused me of being high, and suspended me on the spot. FML

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By Breezie - 14/10/2019 20:00 - United States

Hi Zach!

Today, at work, a customer commented that I look like Zach Galifianakis. I'm a girl. FML

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By tiredofcrazy - 18/3/2014 09:14 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend stormed out after I suggested to him that his relationship with his mother is maybe a little weird. Apparently having regular, hour-long phone discussions about your penis is a perfectly normal thing for a 23-year-old to have with his mother. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2017 02:00

Today, we found out the god-awful smell in our truck was actually coming from the whole uncooked chicken I thought the store forgot to ring up over 2 weeks ago. It had fallen out of the bag and under the passenger seat. FML

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By Azcrazy - 3/8/2009 17:16 - United States

Today, I quit my job after two years. Now I have my crazy boss sitting out in front of my house, telling me she wants to work things out. She has been there all day. FML

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By Alex Xavier - 25/6/2018 01:30

False Advertising

Today, after getting married recently and my wife making a ton of promises about "things" we'd do, she admitted she won't do any of them and said I should just accept that she lied. FML

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By evecamp - 10/2/2010 05:09 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 11 months told me that she's been faking her orgasms the whole time. Just to make me "proud" of myself. FML

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By PlayboyBunny - 19/2/2011 07:20 - United States

Today, the sweetest thing my boyfriend ever told me was that I'd make a good porn star. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/2/2014 12:43

Today, I walked into my house with a couple of friends and I saw my girlfriend doing laundry. I jokingly asked her if she had time to do a load of mine as well. She scoffed and said, "Yeah babe, I'll gladly do your laundry... The same day you learn to wipe properly." FML

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By CorinnenotaplanB - 28/7/2018 01:30

Today, my date for this weekend called and asked if he could bring his possible new girlfriend on our weekend getaway as well. FML

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By DeeElleGee - 14/11/2009 00:09 - Canada

Today, at my work, I was ringing though a kid's purchase. I try to be friendly with the kids and when he handed me his cash I said "Thank you, sir!" in a playful manner. He then turns to his mom and says "Mom, why does everyone think I am a boy?". FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2010 20:33 - United States

Today, I was stood up on a date. Her excuse? "I had to work out." FML

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By tbanana95 - 4/11/2009 03:17 - United States

Today, I got my crush's phone number. I started texting him and once I told him who it was, he stopped replying. FML

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By oppsiedaisey - 2/9/2019 12:00

Finally!

Today, it's been so long since my husband has been able to give me an orgasm that when he finally did today, I started sobbing. FML

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By it's v - 17/3/2018 08:00 - United States - Denver

Today, after my flight arrived late, I ran 60 gates to get my connecting flight. I sprinted up to the gate agent, completely out of breath, and he looked at me, shut the door, and said, “The door is shut. You’re too late.” FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2011 04:48 - United States

Today, at work I got an urgent message from my boyfriend that there was an emergency and I should come home immediately. I took my last personal day of the month and drove the half-hour home. The emergency? The cat had vomited on the comforter. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2019 14:00

Chocolate chip

Today, I was eating chocolate chip cookies around the house and saw a chocolate chip on the floor. Not wanting my dog to eat it, given that chocolate is poisonous for dogs, I swiped it up with my finger and put it to my mouth. It was then that I realized it was a stub of my dog's poop. FML

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By Noname - 18/1/2009 00:52 - Canada

Today, my house got egged and since it is the winter the eggs froze. They used two dozen eggs. FML

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By OhDearGodGrandad - 7/2/2016 17:59 - United Kingdom - Ilford

Today, I saw my grandfather on the train, with his cock out. FML

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By twitch01 - 9/8/2009 07:31 - United States

Today, as a joke, my friends and I decided to put me in a dress and makeup, to creep out a friend. I'm a guy. I'm not sure which is worse, the fact that I so willingly volunteered to wear the dress and the makeup, or the fact that I thought it was comfy and made me look slim. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2019 06:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, and he finished before me. I thought that he was going to try and get hard again so we could continue. Unfortunately, he turned to me and said to me, "Don't worry, I'll re-spawn in a few minutes." I lost it completely. FML

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By anonymous - 12/8/2009 01:43 - United States

Today, I felt inspired to create a photo album of myself through the years. As I was organizing the photos of my childhood, I noticed how many my mom was holding me and hugging me in. When she came home from work I jokingly asked, "When did you start hating me?" She replied, "When you were 4". FML

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By optimist - 26/1/2010 19:03 - United States

Today, after wondering why I didn't receive a grade for a summer course I took in 2007, I realized that I gave the professor the wrong student ID number. Someone else received credit. I've been waiting on this grade for 8 months in order to graduate. FML

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By Fattie - 28/10/2019 06:00

Bon appetit!

Today, I'm on a diet. I was compelled to start it when the only pet name my boyfriend could think of for me yesterday was, "My baby elephant." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2019 06:33

Today, I began writing thank-you cards for the gifts I got for my 21st birthday. To one set of grandparents, I wrote, "Thank you for the dancing chicken toy," and to the others I wrote, "Thank you for the $10 check." Those were the only gifts. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2010 06:14 - United States

Today, I made brownies for my co-workers. My boss called me into his office, and I though he was going to compliment me on the baking. Instead, he talked about how his 5-year-old daughter can make brownies better than me. FML

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Top comments

By NorfolkDude | 2

#188986 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:36

That cat was all like, "Don't ever put me in a box again, ****er." Then it ran up to your wife's leg and was all like, "Pet me, *****." Then it was looking at you and was like, "Yeah, ***hole, what now?"

Are you going to take that kind of abuse? I guess so.

By justdance45 | 0

#188977 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:34

LOL such a loving wife.
FYL

COMMENTS

By justdance45 | 0

#188977 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:34

LOL such a loving wife.
FYL

Person1233 | 12

#1457894 - Saturday 25 September 2010 23:58

Awesome, this hasn't been threadjacked yet.

love15_fml | 8

#1475384 - Thursday 30 September 2010 5:24

yea, loving of the cat :P

crapazoidburg | 0

#4735788 - Thursday 26 July 2012 15:52

Cats love women.

By jen_kay | 0

#188984 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:35

LMAO! Whata wonderful wife.

goodoldave | 17

#3938565 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 2:05

Good Cat

By NorfolkDude | 2

#188986 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:36

FatMan23 | 10

#2701182 - Friday 17 June 2011 10:10

I laughed so much when I read this that I woke up my neighbors.

By genius_man16 | 0

#188991 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:37

Well, you DID get the cat for your wife

By SpunkT | 0

#188993 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:38

The cat was probably just upset by being in a box, and since you were the last one to be carrying it in the box it's just mad. Nothing personal.

Your wive however... she's a bitch. I hope she was just joking.

bezach | 0

#930919 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 2:54

she's prob just telling it it's good for doing the purring and things not bbeing. s bitch-stupid ipod

By pippysthename00 | 0

#188999 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:38

You should have gotten a dog... they're more loveable in my opinion.

Furrywhiplash | 14

#3928764 - Monday 23 January 2012 11:34

I agree that dogs are more lovable, but they also require a lot more time and effort to take care of than cats do.

By abcdefg11233 | 0

#189000 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:38

she was probably joking...

By realggirl | 0

#189003 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:39

"Cat" = "it?" Cats are not objects; they are living beings. YDI just for that.

LunaKiai | 0

#1462775 - Monday 27 September 2010 3:51

i understand you are all for animals rights.. but seriously..

MetalFish | 0

#1463127 - Monday 27 September 2010 7:05

what's the betting #8 is a middle-aged woman who hasn't had any male contact in quite some time?

0___0 | 9

#1479602 - Friday 1 October 2010 4:44

Actually #8, you are wrong. The cat IS an object in that sentence. "I gave my wife a cat." The cat is being given which means it's an object, at least in the grammar sense. ^_^