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Hey, OP here. Basically, I made a joke. I've just got back from uni so I'm not used to hiding parts of myself (I don't have to hide it around my mum cause she likes to pretend it doesn't exist). My nan was talking about me getting married, saying I needed to find Mr right. I made a joke about it being Mrs Right without thinking and here we are.

By JustWashedTheseJeans - 25/10/2016 01:05

Today, I pissed my pants in fear for the first time. Was I at a spooky haunted house? Nope, I turned a corner and got startled by a parked car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 214

You deserved it 1 940

Weird excuse, but OK

By Nutty - 21/07/2019 00:04

Today, my girlfriend refused to have sex with me, because my underwear are Fruit of the Loom instead of Hanes. According to her, since all real men wear Hanes, I'm unfit to have sex with her because I wear Fruit of the Loom and am therefore not a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 818

You deserved it 437

Shame on you!

By Bjax - 11/10/2017 16:00

Today, my girlfriend woke me up at 5am to tell me she was mad at me. Apparently I did something bad in her dream. She still won't talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 788

You deserved it 399

College is gross.

By BarefootNoMore - 17/11/2017 06:00 - Canada - Ajax

Today, I forgot to wear my shower shoes to my dorm shower. I didn’t think it was a huge deal until I walked in and stepped in something. On closer inspection, I realized that I stepped, barefoot, in someone's jizz. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 385

You deserved it 1 625

By Anonymous - 14/12/2017 01:30

Today, a stranger yelled, "Non-believers shouldn't wear these!" He then took my rosary and ran off. It belonged to my dead brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 456

You deserved it 330

Nice guys

By Anonymous - 13/06/2021 19:59

Today, having split up with my husband, I tried to plan visitation so he could visit my sons, his stepkids, only to be told he has no intention of visiting kids that aren’t actually his, and that now we’re divorced they're entirely my problem and good riddance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 706

You deserved it 1 303

Mommy's boy

By simon - 11/01/2018 06:00

Today, my mother, who insists on sticking her nose into every aspect of my life, found out I'm only "middle management" and called my boss to criticize her for undervaluing me, demanding I be promoted immediately. I'm now the laughing stock of my office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 420

You deserved it 550

Parting shit

By smellymcgee - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Farmington

Today, I came home to the vilest stench I've ever smelled. I had to open a floor vent and scoop up the turd that was inside. Funnily enough, today was the day my scumbag roommate moved out, but I'm sure he had absolutely nothing to do with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 953

You deserved it 889

Don't make me

By rita - This FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Today, my 10-year-old daughter hid in her closet all day and did not come out. The reason? She didn't want to eat my pot roast. I didn't realize my cooking was that bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 268

You deserved it 923

Call CPS!

By Daddo - 20/03/2018 19:00 - United States - Elkhart

Today, picking up my children from school, I overheard some kids saying what a rotten person their dad was, and how they hated him. It was my kids talking to their friends about me! Why? Because I didn't buy them a bag of jelly beans the day before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 249

You deserved it 427

By ReallyUniverse?? - 18/03/2018 19:00

Today, at work as a dog groomer, two dogs gave me bloody bites, completely unprompted. I went home in tears, so my family got Chinese takeout to cheer me up. My fortune cookie read, "It is not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog that counts." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 837

You deserved it 536

By DebitDebacle - 15/07/2018 19:00

Today, after my bank sent me a new card because the old one had been compromised, I woke up to find that it's already been used to start an Amazon Prime account and order several movies. The card to replace a compromised card has been compromised. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 133

You deserved it 267

By justno - 03/08/2018 19:00

Today, my best friend of 10 years blocked me for no reason. When I went to her house to ask why she did it and apologize for whatever it was, she told me to kill myself and slammed the door. I still don't know what I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 195

You deserved it 364

Nice try

By Local Welsh - 16/08/2018 18:30

Today, my husband's cousin told me it's a tradition that I should have sex with the eldest male cousin (him) as a rite of passage, and I probably don't know this being of foreign origin. I emigrated here and met my husband when we were 6. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 854

You deserved it 283

Scandalous!

By mustanggt - 04/09/2018 22:00 - United States - Utica

Today, I got marked down in a performance review for not being able to keep my relationship with a coworker a permanent secret. I think if her engagement ring hadn't given it away, eventually the baby bump would've. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 912

You deserved it 450

By ewwww - 30/01/2017 12:00 - United States - Monroe

Today, I went to the doctor for the constant pain I have when eating savory or sour foods. It turns out I have a stone in my saliva gland, and no joke, the only thing I can do to fix it is eat savory or sour food to make me drool enough to force it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 756

You deserved it 440

Cost of living crisis

By hiddenplainly - 24/02/2017 16:00 - United States

Today, I did my budget. I have a good job, make decent money, and work full time, but without including any flexible spending items like groceries, I make $32 less than my bills each month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 318

You deserved it 1 247

By nicOlyMpien - 03/06/2010 01:30 - India

Today, I’m in India. As a good foreigner, I want to adapt myself and to do everything like the locals. I tried to get off the bus while it was still rolling. I lost a pair of jeans, a knee and my dignity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 536

You deserved it 255

By SwaggyP - 09/05/2019 16:00

Today, we got the IQ test results back, which show our daughter is on the high end of the genius scale. This confirms what my wife and I have long feared: our 6-year-old is FAR smarter than we are. No wonder she wins all the arguments we have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 918

You deserved it 580

Technique

By FailedSalesman - 17/12/2016 17:39 - United States - Lewisville

Today, I was working at our garage sale with my dad. I sat outside for 2 hours, talked to three people, and sold nothing. My dad came outside and got angry at me, so I told him to give it a shot. He sold 3 things to the first guy who walked in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 065

You deserved it 1 043

By educatedreptile - 09/12/2016 16:21 - Canada - Yorkton

Today, I found out that I owe the government money and that the amount will increase if I miss the deadline two months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 245

You deserved it 1 456

Pink Lightsaber

By Obi-Wan - 08/09/2019 04:00 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I walked in on my 17 year-old son masturbating. He froze, raised his hand and tried to use the "force" to remove the memory. I'm regretting ever having let him watch Star Wars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 880

You deserved it 485

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Today, I handed in my 2 weeks notice, since I have to leave for college soon. My boss told me it was fine, then cut all my remaining shifts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 490

You deserved it 1 290

Today, I took a army-mandated personality evaluation test. The results said I had a high chance of schizophrenia and multiple personality syndrome. Part of me says that the test is probably spot-on, the other part says it has to be a mistake. Apparently this is another sign of schizophrenia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 911

You deserved it 3 153

Today, on my job as a police officer, I received a typical domestic disturbance call. Not so typical was the address. Guess my wife's affair went terribly wrong while I was on shift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 148

You deserved it 2 331

Today, I learned the hard way that if you're going to pour bleach on bugs to kill them, you need to be prepared for them to fly up and try to attack your face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 649

You deserved it 38 470

Today, I had to take my parents to the hospital after a failed attempt at a Kamasutra position. FML

I agree, your life sucks 886

You deserved it 62

Today, the first word out of my date's mouth was, “So, how much money do you make?” That was it. No hi, how are you, or what do you do for fun, or do you prefer cats or dogs, just straight to, “How much money do you make?” Gold-digging timewaster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 780

You deserved it 113