Miscellaneous: Today, I pissed my pants in fear for the first time. Was I at... - FML

By JustWashedTheseJeans - 25/10/2016 01:05

Today, I pissed my pants in fear for the first time. Was I at a spooky haunted house? Nope, I turned a corner and got startled by a parked car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 121

You deserved it 1 881

Batman

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Put your back into it

By greatly disturbed - 07/03/2015 19:09 - United States - Elk Grove

Spicy

Today, my little sister complained about a young boy in her class always pulling her hair. She asked when boys will stop doing it. My mom replied, "They won't, even when they're grown-ups," then looked over at my dad and shared a dirty smirk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 519

You deserved it 4 354

By Nykole McAllister - 15/09/2018 17:30 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I was talking to a nice guy on a dating app and we exchanged numbers. Later, I got a call. It was his wife asking me to stop talking to her husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 022

You deserved it 254

By aww, such a nice guy. NOT - 25/05/2014 17:46 - United States - Dodge City

Today, the previously charming guy I've been seeing for the past two weeks tried to introduce a weekly sex quota into our relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 312

You deserved it 6 634

By Anonymous - 14/12/2013 18:50

Spicy

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. As he came, he yelled "FIRST, BITCHES!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 787

You deserved it 9 805

By AllieG33 - 05/09/2014 02:59 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, after returning from taking my sister off to college, my parents told me that our house would be a lot quieter with my sister gone. Not because she's loud, but because she has friends and I apparently don't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 604

You deserved it 3 693

By Anonymous - 30/07/2011 02:10 - United States

Today, my 17 year old asked me whether to chew or swallow grapes. I raised this dumbass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 317

You deserved it 18 618

Yummy

By munckncruncj15 - 22/10/2009 04:19 - United States

Today, at lunch, a fly was buzzing around my food. I managed to kill the fly in my napkin in midair. I continued my lunch, pleased with my amazing ninja skills. When I was done with my lunch, I wiped my mouth with the napkin. I can still taste bug guts. Karma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 211

You deserved it 36 823

By Ticketshame - 08/05/2019 08:00

Today, I got pulled over for talking on my phone while driving. I'd lost my phone the day before. He didn’t believe me. So, I got a ticket for talking on a phone I can’t even find. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 074

You deserved it 134

By Anonymous - 01/02/2017 18:00 - United States - Twinsburg

Today, I was pulled aside by my father's new wife and told, "You're not your dad's favorite anymore and you need to stop acting like it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 368

You deserved it 611

Thanks, honey.

By Fluffy - 13/12/2017 19:00

Today, I noticed that I've been gaining some weight. Don't worry, my boyfriend doesn't mind. His new favorite thing is putting my boobs on his head and saying he feels "safe". FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 592

You deserved it 884

By marriageblows - 22/01/2012 02:18 - United States

Today, I had the day off from work. I did all the chores hoping to free up time to spend with my husband tonight. When he came home, he looked around and decided that since there was no need for him to stick around and help clean, he'd head to the bar to watch the game with the guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 052

You deserved it 3 843

By Anonymous - 27/04/2012 15:22 - United States - Pleasant Hill

Today, I woke up, got up, and felt something crunchy under my feet. My son thought it would be funny if he spread cat litter all around the house. Used cat litter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 202

You deserved it 2 558

By lifeguard down - 01/08/2010 04:23 - United States

Today, while at work I tripped and fell in the pool while moving a waste basket. I nearly drowned and had to be saved. I don't know which is worse the fact that I nearly drowned or the fact that I'm a lifeguard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 653

You deserved it 13 269

By thats what my ipod is for - 26/04/2013 17:34 - United States

Today, I overheard my grandpa telling my mom he'd found a load of porn in my laptop's browser history, but that he deleted all the "filth" so she wouldn't have to see it. She believed him and I got grounded, much to his amusement. I've never looked up porn on that computer in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 382

You deserved it 3 127

Celebrity lookalike

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Mattawa

Today, a guy at work told me I look like a famous celebrity. I was flattered, until he remembered the celebrity's name: Steve Buscemi. That wouldn't be a compliment, even if I weren't a 24-year-old woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 545

You deserved it 2 583

By RKE - 05/11/2009 02:12 - United States

Today, I went to our school golf banquet, after being with the team and practicing every day for a few months with them. When it came time to get the certificates, all the names were called out. Except for mine. When I asked the coach where my certificate was, he said "Who are you?". FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 522

You deserved it 3 305

By dead - 18/03/2016 19:40 - United Kingdom

Today, I've been awake for 4 days. My doctor recently put me on enough sleeping pills to kill a small country, but when I take them it's like a shot of adrenaline. I'm wide awake and tired as all hell at the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 104

You deserved it 1 526

By frustrated! - 06/02/2013 06:01 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend called me a freak for wanting to have sex for a second night in a row. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 799

You deserved it 6 090

By fmal - 07/05/2009 03:47 - United States

Today, I realized my wedding ring was missing. Turns out, my son had taken it to give to a girl he likes in the 2nd grade. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 195

You deserved it 8 864

By handlin - 14/01/2010 06:45 - Mexico

Today, after 8 years, I confessed one of my best friends I've been in love with him since we were kiddies. His answer was "Don't worry, I won't stop talking to you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 922

You deserved it 4 127

By capcha - 03/07/2009 18:30 - United States

Today, I was holding a yard sale. A man came up to me and asked if he could buy a pair of red and white sneakers that I'd found in my attic and had never worn. Five bucks later, he was walking away with what I now realize was the pair of shoes signed by Michael Jordan given to me by my uncle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 036

You deserved it 78 485

By Scarred Nephew - 10/05/2016 22:28 - United States - Allen

Today, I surprise-visited my uncle after not seeing him for 4 years because of college. When he opened the door to his house, he was wearing Crocs. Of course, that would have been completely fine if it weren't for the fact that they were the only thing he was wearing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 749

You deserved it 1 377

By k - 16/02/2009 17:08 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend came over. After I finished pouring my heart out to him about how much I missed him, and how much I loved him, he looks at me and asks "So are we gonna do it, or what?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 190

You deserved it 11 531

By Anonymous - 18/05/2019 14:25

Today, I found out my boyfriend was going to propose. He'd bought me a beautiful white gold ring that I never got to see. His estranged mom stole the ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 308

You deserved it 97

By lds124 - 29/10/2009 04:11 - Canada

Today, I went on a first date with an employee from Sobey's who asked for my number while I was grocery shopping. We decided to each bring a friend. I brought my roommate. He brought his girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 158

You deserved it 3 947

By stephanie - 28/09/2018 03:00

Today, my husband tried to use his "grief" over his grandmother's death to manipulate me into giving him a blowjob. In the toilets. During the funeral. With his family only a few yards down the hall crying their eyes out. What an asshole I married. An absolute asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 486

You deserved it 943

By Anonymous - 25/10/2013 21:39 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, my now ex-boyfriend actually claimed that his cheating didn't count because A) the other girl is his lab partner, and B) she's overweight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 603

You deserved it 3 774

By Anonymous - 16/11/2014 00:04 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I asked my dad for advice. I recently got drunk and had a one-night stand. I feel terrible, because I'm engaged to a wonderful lady. My dad just said, "You did the right thing, son, keep it up. She's gonna steal half ya shit in the divorce anyway". FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 729

You deserved it 34 315

By thanksgrandpa - 08/03/2016 20:08 - Canada - Concord

Today, an attractive woman sat beside me at the doctor's office. Unfortunately, on my other side was my senile old uncle who can't control his bowels, and after a few uncontrollable farts, she was on the other side of the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 860

You deserved it 1 609

You gotta be kidding me

By KnowledgableEx - 10/11/2016 12:42 - United States - Baltimore

Spicy

Today, my ex-girlfriend from several years ago texted me. We were having a pleasant conversation until she asked me to give advice. Apparently, her current boyfriend is incapable of talking dirty, fingering, and other sexual aspects. She asked me to give him advice and pointers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 465

You deserved it 1 151

By toyotasmash - 07/10/2010 23:37 - United States

Today, my sister and I got into an argument at a tennis court which ended up with her trying to run me over in the parking lot. I stepped to the side and hit her door, denting it. My parents expect me to pay for the damage caused by my sister trying to kill me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 722

You deserved it 3 530

By HeatherFeatherB - 05/01/2016 03:27 - United States - Mundelein

Today, one of my customers told me he was going to kill himself when I explained to him that I wasn't going to be able to deliver him the gallon of milk he wanted. I work in a pharmacy, dispensing medication. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 756

You deserved it 1 260

Pokéman gone

By Anonymous - 14/03/2021 08:01

Today, I thought a cute and well-dressed guy, with a mask matching his shoes, was taking a picture of me. Flattered, I approached him. Turns out, he was playing Pokémon Go and was just trying to catch a “Geodude.” He also blurted out that he was gay. He's into dudes and Geodudes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 712

You deserved it 517

By lkvetched - 30/08/2016 17:23 - United States - Palestine

Today, I got food poisoning in the middle of the wilderness while hiking in a state park with my husband. I had to tend to nature several times before we reached our car. The only supplies I had was a bottle of water and a laminated trail map. It was part of an anniversary trip. How romantic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 891

You deserved it 1 025

By Anonymous - 14/12/2018 14:00

Spicy

Today, after weeks of no sex, my boyfriend finally decided to have sex with me. While we were getting into it I accidentally farted in his face while his mouth was open. No more sex for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 563

You deserved it 2 045

By Anonymous - 27/07/2016 20:32

Spicy

Today, when the power went out, my wife said it was too bad we couldn't have sex by candlelight since she had just started her period. The only time she brings up sex is when we can't do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 407

You deserved it 1 698

By STIdiot - 17/10/2011 12:12 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend's jaw was swollen due to him not taking care of a cracked tooth. He's convinced it was actually caused by an STD, and accused me of giving it to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 601

You deserved it 3 661

Targeted

By Anonymous - 10/06/2020 05:08

Today, I woke up and went down to my apartment's underground garage/laundry area to do my laundry and noticed my family's car in the back of the lot, as far away from the garage door as can be, had been broken into. The other, more expensive cars around the garage were untouched. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 390

You deserved it 104

By picklet - 12/05/2012 14:36 - Malaysia - Kajang

Today, I started the job of my dreams. Our first marketing meeting was an in-depth analysis of the phrase, "Haters gonna hate, potatoes gonna potate". I have a 5 year contract. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 075

You deserved it 4 511

Everyone's A Critic

By hushed - 30/08/2017 15:14 - Canada - Leduc

Today, I was hushed in a theatre during a play. I would normally appreciate a discreet silencing in the audience, but I was saying my lines. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 801

You deserved it 235

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Tuesday 25 October 2016 16:29

You gotta be careful with those parked cars, they can be vicious.....

stevenJB 25

Tuesday 25 October 2016 16:33

Was it a Chevy? I'm sure you startled it too and it broke down right then and there.

Comments

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Tuesday 25 October 2016 16:29

You gotta be careful with those parked cars, they can be vicious.....

stevenJB 25

Tuesday 25 October 2016 16:33

Was it a Chevy? I'm sure you startled it too and it broke down right then and there.

HeavyWeaponsGuy 21

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Tuesday 25 October 2016 16:36

They are pretty scary....

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Tuesday 25 October 2016 16:49

Don't worry, it'll get better. Next time, you'll piss your pants over existential dread and eventually work your way up to pissing your pants during a mugging. Eventually, you'll piss yourself in the zombie apocalypse.

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Tuesday 25 October 2016 17:04

Was that car called Horace ?

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Tuesday 25 October 2016 17:23

thats sad

Superbaker123 14

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Tuesday 25 October 2016 17:26

This is one of the few fmls to make me laugh, sorry about your pants OP!

Mynamewontfi 40

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Tuesday 25 October 2016 19:26

Was it Christine?

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Tuesday 25 October 2016 20:00

if that parked car was stealing more than one spot then your reaction is very reasonable.

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Wednesday 26 October 2016 2:43

You deserved it.

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20

You deserved it 14

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 699

You deserved it 55

Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 403

You deserved it 253