Animals: Today, I was off from school because of an extremely bad barking... - FML

By Animal cruelty - 19/02/2015 13:46 - Australia

Today, I was off from school because of an extremely bad barking cough. My neighbours called the police because apparently my cough sounds like someone torturing an animal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 080

You deserved it 2 354

Stop talking!

Walk on the wild side

Best teeth in the game

By dealtit - 30/07/2014 03:49 - United States - Toccoa

Today, I accidentally farted in the middle of class. Thinking I got away with it, I just kept doing my work until some kid across the room says, "I could have done better." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 092

You deserved it 6 803

Faithful

By Munkeh - 12/04/2012 20:42 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Spicy

Today, I found out that my partner thinks love is more meaningful than sex, so it's okay to stick his penis in someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 413

You deserved it 4 033

By klutz - 27/02/2009 20:23 - United States

Today, I wore out the highest heels I had but was nervous about falling because I am such a klutz. I got through the night without any injuries, so I changed into the sneakers I had brought with me to walk home. I tripped right outside my house in my sneakers and broke my ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 423

You deserved it 6 042

Fair Warning

By TheNoseKnows - 16/02/2017 14:00 - United States - Bronx

Spicy

Today, while sitting in a bar, I offered to buy the drunk chick sitting next to me a drink. She was a lot more inebriated than I thought, because she looked at me with bloodshot eyes and cheerfully responded, "There's a rotten smell in my vagina!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 706

You deserved it 2 482

What did I say, Roy?

By Peter - 30/06/2021 18:01

Today, my wife said I was being difficult and unreasonable, and called my mother to talk to me about my behaviour. What did I do you ask? I dared to share my opinion on something I happen to feel strongly about, instead of just mindlessly agreeing with her opinion like I have for the past 22 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 839

You deserved it 190

Can't handle it

By Anonymous - 20/01/2021 14:01 - Germany

Today, I feel hung over. Don’t feel up to anything except slouching on the sofa, nursing my headache. Must have been one hell of a party, lots of booze, right? Actually, all I did was go to bed at 11:30 last night, instead of my usual 8.30. FML

I agree, your life sucks 788

You deserved it 131

By Anonymous - 05/02/2016 09:55 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, a long standing fantasy was ruined when the only lasting impression from my first threesome was of how good my boyfriend is at giving other guys a blowjob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 470

You deserved it 8 660

By Shampoodle - 11/10/2017 21:45

Today, I found out that my mom uses my incredibly expensive conditioner to wash her two dogs every single weekend. No wonder they smell so good. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 313

You deserved it 384

By herestowaiting - 30/08/2016 20:56 - United States - Detroit

Today, I'm officially a week overdue. I went to the hospital, thinking I was in labor since I was in so much pain. Turns out it was just gas. The nurse couldn't hold back her look of pity as she told me this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 520

You deserved it 1 106

By Anonymous - 23/11/2016 16:58

Today, I bumped into my English teacher at an AA meeting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 437

You deserved it 1 007

By fuckkkkk - 17/05/2015 06:31 - United States - San Francisco

Today, after getting my dream job and quitting old one, I was told my position is strictly "experimental" and will only last 2 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 421

You deserved it 3 575

By Anonymous - 17/10/2010 05:55 - United States

Spicy

Today, I saw my boyfriend shaving his pubic hair before we had sex. This would be fine, except he was saying "Nom nom nom, I eat cock hairs" to his electric razor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 839

You deserved it 8 772

By loveloves154 - 30/03/2018 15:00

Today, our toilet overflowed during the night. Over 50 gallons worth leaked through the floor and the ceiling to the room below. I am now covered in poop water. What a way to start the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 891

You deserved it 245

Hello?

By blahhlovely_30 - 09/03/2011 20:03 - United States

Today, I lost my cat. It's deaf, so no matter what I do it can't hear me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 537

You deserved it 4 929

By ahhhboys - 27/11/2010 19:12 - Romania

Today, my boyfriend of six months said he wanted to take our relationship one step further. I thought he was going to ask me to move in. He meant he wanted to fart in front of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 481

You deserved it 6 230

By FMLer - 27/05/2011 20:57 - United States

Today, I found out that since I stopped shaving my legs, my boyfriend and his friends have started referring to me as a Wookiee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 355

You deserved it 62 772

By ;_;" - 27/09/2013 21:33 - Lebanon - Beirut

Today, I went to a really important job interview. During it, I accidentally let out a burp, came down with nervous hiccups, and when I tried to quietly ease out some painful gas that was building up, it came out as a massive, rancid fart. I'll definitely be unemployed for a while yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 797

You deserved it 10 550

By Noname - 28/01/2009 20:18 - United States

Today, I marked the 6th anniversary of the last time I had intercourse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 129

You deserved it 5 668

By SkinsCastSelection - 17/01/2011 16:44 - France

Today, during a drunken night out, a really trashed friend said to me, "Jeez, even when I’m drunk, you're really ugly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 489

You deserved it 4 068

By notafan - 07/08/2019 00:01 - United States

Today, I was at a baseball game. This kid in front of me had binoculars and was constantly shouting. Trying to amuse the girl next to me, I leaned over and said, "That kid probably has wet dreams about baseball." She got up and said to the kid, "Come on honey, we're leaving." FML

I agree, your life sucks 558

You deserved it 3 345

By makeover-needed - 06/07/2015 21:32 - United States

Today, I learned how my coworkers differentiate between my coworker and me as we have the same name, when I overheard one of them ask the other, "Which one, ugly Leslie or hot Leslie?" When the answer was "ugly Leslie," he walked straight to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 415

You deserved it 1 850

By Anon_a_mouse - 30/03/2011 19:59 - Reserved

Today, I came home from a week-long vacation, only to find my mother-in-law didn't just dog-sit while I was gone; she moved in, along with all her possessions, and seems to think it's a permanent deal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 245

You deserved it 3 672

Weird questions

By Lola Smith - 03/11/2020 11:02

Today, a customer asked me if we serve spaghetti. She then asked for a manager because I was giving her a weird look, laughing softly when telling her yes, and apparently making her feel stupid. My manager wrote me up. I work at the Old Spaghetti Factory. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 130

You deserved it 169

Not everyone's cup of tea

By Anonymous - 26/10/2021 20:00

Today, I’ve noticed that my boyfriend gets progressively more short-tempered and grumpy as time goes on, until we get to the Friday before we drop my kids off at their dad's house, then for that weekend he’s downright happy, until we have to pick them up Sunday night then he starts getting grumpy again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 606

You deserved it 316

By a816090 - 27/05/2019 18:09

Today, I got written up because I took a dump at work that lasted longer than 5 minutes, and I didn't punch out for it as a "paid break." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 000

You deserved it 129

By foxytheologian - 15/04/2017 02:00

Today, I was hit by an unmanned semi truck that rolled down an embankment onto the highway. I'm fine, but the entire left side of my car is smashed in. The idiot responsible had to be dragged down the hill by the cops. Apparently, he was peeing and forgot to put the parking brake on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 343

You deserved it 290

By Joplin - 13/09/2010 19:33 - United Kingdom

Today, I was lying on my recliner watching TV when I dropped the remote under the footrest. I got down on my hands and knees and pushed the footrest into the chair. The moment I touched the remote, the footrest deployed and hit me square in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 915

You deserved it 6 214

By Anonymous - 30/10/2018 13:00 - United Kingdom - Basingstoke

Today, as a priest, I was invited to the home of a lady who claimed that the face of Jesus had appeared to her. She took me upstairs to her bathroom and... it was poo. She genuinely thought she could see Jesus in the poo sitting in her toilet bowl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 184

You deserved it 335

By thats_not_good - 28/05/2009 18:15 - United States

Today, I was getting my first tattoo done. My parents told me it was a bad idea. My friends' parents told me it was a bad idea. I told them that people get tattoos done all the time and nothing goes wrong. 50 min into the tattoo on my back, the artist says "Oh shit, shit, shit. We can fix this." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 303

You deserved it 56 124

By AllergyRidden - 24/12/2011 22:05 - United States

Today, my Mom and I found out that we're allergic to the wood my Dad has been making fires with. She can't see, I can't breathe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 589

You deserved it 2 288

By Cheap - 27/12/2009 08:34 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend wrote 50 dollars on my gift card just to look generous, it's really only worth five. I found this out after I tried to buy an arm full of clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 064

You deserved it 3 120

By Anonymous - 19/05/2018 01:30

Today, after dating a guy for 2 months, things seemed to be going well. I offered to buy dinner and trusted he would keep in mind that I'm a college student on a budget. He picked the restaurant, ran up the bill over $100, made me pay, and dumped me right after. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 061

You deserved it 640

By Anonymous - 25/03/2015 19:40 - Canada - Owen Sound

Today, I caught my dad sneaking a drink of whiskey outside, shortly before my wedding. I asked if he was seriously getting drunk at a time like this. He looked at me and scoffed, "It's the only way I'm gonna get through this stupid shit." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 555

You deserved it 4 864

By me - 09/08/2011 03:43 - United States

Today, my friend and I gave our numbers to some guys at a bar. Twenty minutes after we had left, we got a call. We excitedly answered the phone, only to hear the guy ask, "So are you the fat one or the ugly one?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 333

You deserved it 7 339

Together, forever

By ForeverLost - 26/03/2020 20:21

Today, my wife asked me for a divorce, shortly after I found out she's been having an affair. Then our county placed us on quarantine for Covid-19. Now I'm stuck living with her until it goes away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 299

You deserved it 134

By Anonymous - 13/08/2019 02:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I was helping tidy up after my girlfriend's flat warming. I went to put a sharp kitchen knife in the sink while she was washing dishes, and stabbed her in the finger instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 082

You deserved it 928

By JC12345 - 18/03/2009 04:35 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. Afterwards we went to Applebees for dinner, then after we'd ate I asked "How was it?" he says "It was terrible", to which I said "The food was that bad?" He replies "No, the sex". FML

I agree, your life sucks 90 706

You deserved it 13 764

By xXshitface4uXx - 25/07/2014 22:46 - New Zealand - Rotorua

Today, my dad asked me how I would feel about going on an all-expenses-paid, month-long holiday to the Caribbean. I was ecstatic and broke into tears of joy, saying I'd love it. He replied, "Yeah, me too. Shame it ain't happening!" then left for work, laughing his arse off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 763

You deserved it 9 083

By MoonStarShine3 - 09/06/2015 16:12 - United Kingdom - Chorley

Today, my boss yelled at me for being 3 hours late. I was late because I fell down the stairs and broke my arm. Apparently, breaking my arm is not a good enough excuse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 357

You deserved it 2 054

By Anonymous - 16/02/2016 13:49 - United States - Chevy Chase

Today, I came out of the closet, after years of fear and shame, thanks to my mom making me to go to a church full of fundies my whole life. In the end, I was in tears. All I got was a frown and a "So? Want a medal or something?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 753

You deserved it 3 753

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Thursday 19 February 2015 18:31

Your neighbors must be barking mad.

iLike2Teabag 27

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Thursday 19 February 2015 18:38

They're barking up the wrong tree.

Comments

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Thursday 19 February 2015 18:31

Your neighbors must be barking mad.

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Thursday 19 February 2015 18:36

I can't get my head around how your cough sounded like an animal being abused???

Noelletakumi 36

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Thursday 19 February 2015 20:33

Perhaps it sounds like a dog in immense pain?

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Thursday 19 February 2015 22:06

I cant figure out how they know what "torturing an animal" sounds like. By the way...I think you might have croup - hoarse barking cough

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Friday 20 February 2015 5:20

#2- There's a virus called Croup, which makes a person's cough sound similar to a seal's bark.

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Friday 20 February 2015 5:57

it depends on your cough. After coughing a while some people get higher pitched and raspy. If you didn't see where the noise came from, an abused animal could be the noise source

unluckycharms69 6

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Thursday 19 February 2015 18:36

What did the police do?

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Thursday 19 February 2015 19:06

'Alright move along, nothing to do here'

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Thursday 19 February 2015 22:31

Please everyone stand behind the tape

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Thursday 19 February 2015 18:37

Well, at least you know your neighbors are sensitive towards animal abuse! That's good people to have around! Even with such bad identifying abitities...

iLike2Teabag 27

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Thursday 19 February 2015 18:38

They're barking up the wrong tree.

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Thursday 19 February 2015 18:40

They must be like "who let the dogs out who who ×3"

WattledParsley 11

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Thursday 19 February 2015 18:57

No. Just no.

SystemofaBlink41 27

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Friday 20 February 2015 1:08

For some reason, the 'x3' made me laugh. Like, you were too lazy to write it 3 times, so fuck it, let's let other people do the work.

FMLusername969 21

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Friday 20 February 2015 8:17

Haha! C'mon...thats funny! I laughed out loud!

tehstarchild 16

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Thursday 19 February 2015 18:48

I hate being sick get better

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Thursday 19 February 2015 18:50

You should probably get that checked out of it sounds that bad. Hope you feel better.

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Thursday 19 February 2015 19:38

If* excuse me.

countryb_cth 38

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Thursday 19 February 2015 18:53

The police must have been really confused. They came looking for someone abusing an animal and all they found was you sicker than a dog.

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Thursday 19 February 2015 18:54

Sounds miserable. Your neighbors kind of suck they didn't come see if you were okay before calling the cops.

UH60 26

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Thursday 19 February 2015 23:27

OP's neighbors didn't know that he was sick?

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29

You deserved it 17

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 93

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 519

You deserved it 100

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 245

You deserved it 92