Today, my husband came too soon during sex. He then tried to...

By Evra - 16/4/2015 05:04 - United States

Today, my husband came too soon during sex. He then tried to pretend it didn't happen and continued. He humped me with a half-erect noodle for about seven minutes before I finally called him out. FML

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Intimacy

Yappy neighborhood

Weird kid

Headache

By ILuvYouSoldiers - 26/6/2009 07:57 - United States

Today, at the airport, my mom began talking about how useless the war in Iraq was, and how dumb the soldiers that serve there were for enlisting during the war. The soldier at the vending machine near us caught my eye. I mouthed, "Sorry" and he mouthed, slowly, "You fuckin' better be." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2016 04:46 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, my girlfriend accused me of cheating after she read some of my messages I sent to an old female friend. Apparently I'm very flirty with her. I showed her the same kind of messages that I sent to my guy friends as well. Now I'm apparently gay and cheating. FML

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By UhhhUhhhRRRick - 5/3/2009 05:14 - United States

Today, an elderly gentleman walked into the UPS Store where I work asking to use the laminating machine. I explained to him that we keep it behind the counter and I would do it for him, when he produced several graphic photos of him having it off with nasty looking women to be laminated. FML

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By failure - 15/10/2014 01:06 - United States - Loomis

Today, my boyfriend told me that he'd feel like a failure if he went to community college. I'm planning to go to community college next year. FML

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By Ahlph - 20/5/2011 04:43

Today, I made it my life goal to own a towel heater. FML

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By smellyhair - 2/11/2014 11:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I was shopping for a new deodorant, and this guy was standing in the way. He wouldn't move, so I crouched down to get the one I wanted, right when he did the most violent fart right in my face. Then his wife came over, made a face and he whispered, "I think that girl just farted". FML

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By Badday - 25/10/2009 04:38 - Canada

Today, I went on a date with a girl that I really like. I picked her up from her house, and as I was pulling out of her driveway, I hit her dad's BMW, knocking off the bumper. FML

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By oh dang /: - 25/5/2011 11:34

Today, I turned in an essay after staying up late to work on it. I was away when the teacher assigned it, so I'd asked my friend what the subject was. It transpires that she'd given me the wrong one, all because she was mad at me for not returning her pencil. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2013 16:58 - Finland - Nykarleby

Today, I was diagnosed with strep throat. My mom wasted no time accusing me of whoring around and claiming that most people get strep from performing oral sex. FML

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By ihatemyex - 23/5/2020 14:00

Who are you?

Today, a woman I’d never met came to my door asking if my kids were ready to go. Obviously I refused to send my kids with a stranger. Apparently she’s my ex's new girlfriend and "has his permission" to come get my kids. Now he’s threatening to take me to court for violating the visitation order. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2015 04:43 - Canada - Qualicum Beach

Today, desperate to meet a guy, I went clubbing. The only guy to show any interest opened with: "You're hot, for a black chick!" FML

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By RBEE - 12/12/2009 18:02 - France

Today, my colleague rushed off to the hospital for the birth of his first son. Having met his wife at the Christmas party a couple of years ago, I called to congratulate her. Shame I didn't realize it was his mistress having the baby. Guess who broke the news to the wife. FML

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By best friend! - 10/3/2012 05:12 - Canada

Today, my best friend informed me that she has been sleeping with my boyfriend. She tried to justify it by saying, "He's just going to break up with you anyway." FML

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By 5.9Cummins - 11/9/2011 03:18 - Canada

Today, the hillbillies who inhabit the apartment above mine got karaoke machine. It's 1 a.m. and they're singing Achy Breaky Heart. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2018 09:00 - United States - Fairbanks

Good morning!

Today, while I brewed myself a cup of coffee, my best friend began screwing around with a can opener like it was nunchucks. He looked at me and said, "Wouldn't it suck if-" as he flung it around and one of the handles flew off, directly into my testicles. FML

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By El Sayer - 3/3/2020 23:01 - United States - Saint Paul

Hey, Big Spender!

Today, I put a lock on my account because of several unknown purchases for large amounts. Turns out it was my girlfriend, without asking. Who is now mad at me for blocking her parcels. FML

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By *facefloor* - 24/7/2012 20:08 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I got into a heated argument at a house party. To avoid a huge scene, I pulled her into another room, during which I managed to trip over my feet and faceplant the floor. She shouted, "Hah! That's what you get!" Now everyone thinks she beat the shit out of me. FML

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By 3,500 down - 7/5/2016 08:00 - United States - Altus

Today, my train departed over 10 minutes early. It was the last train of the day. I missed my transatlantic flight and along with it the vacation and concert I'd spent over a year saving for. FML

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By Banker - 30/1/2009 16:19 - United States

Today, I interviewed for a call center job making $13/hr, the only job where they called back. I used to live in a doorman luxury apartment in Manhattan with a prime skyline view and clubhouse. That was last month. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2015 21:18 - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Today, my sister offered me a couple doughnuts she bought recently. Thinking she was just being nice, I went ahead and started eating, and was met with the most horrid taste I've ever experienced. Turns out her "recently" was two weeks ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2009 06:47 - United States

Today, I was drinking in the park with my friends. Being drunk, I relieved myself on a nearby tree. Unknown to me, a 4 year old was having her birthday party 100 yards away. I was arrested for public intoxication and exposing myself to a minor. FML

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By UghNo - 14/2/2017 06:00 - United States - Clarkston

Today, my first client as a freelancer screamed at me and threw a notebook at my head. I quit my job to become a freelancer because my boss would often scream and throw things at me. FML

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By pandroida - 25/10/2009 15:56 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend admitted to checking out other girls when he's with me. In his defense, "he doesn't look at their face or boobs. Just their ass." FML

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By maced face - 5/2/2013 17:45 - United States

Today, as I was walking to my car, I noticed a car with a tail light out. Trying to be a good citizen, I walked up to the driver's side door and said "excuse me". The lady then maced me through the open window. FML

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By ouch - 25/3/2010 08:00 - United States

Today, while having sex, I tried to kick the blanket over my feet and kneed myself in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2020 14:00

Hard to bare

Today, I was showing my boss a picture on my phone. I didn’t expect her to take my phone from my hand and continue to flip through photos. I anxiously motioned for her to give my phone back, only to realize she had already swiped to my nude picture. FML

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By SleepObsessed - 5/8/2018 19:00

Today, even though I'm the most neat freak germophobe there is, I was diagnosed with scabies. FML

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By badluckantonio - 25/8/2011 05:29 - Canada

Today, I was taking out the garbage at work when I slipped and fell into the garbage container. The scent was so bad that a bus driver denied me a ride home. FML

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By Lesley - 17/2/2009 01:11 - United Kingdom

Today, while at work I was reading "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" to me class of 5 year olds. I got near the end of the book and said "Look at the big fat caterpillar" to which one of my pupils replied "Just like you, Miss!" FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2014 21:16 - Portugal

Today, my demented little sister walked up to me and kicked me between the legs. I told my parents, but they just accusingly asked me what I did to provoke her. When I said "nothing", they accused me of lying. There is no justice. FML

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By username - 6/6/2020 08:04

Keep out

Today, my social awkwardness got to an all-time high when I hoped that I wouldn't get the job that I applied for, because I'd be working with the public. FML

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By fobfan14 - 16/9/2009 10:37 - United States

Today, somebody broke in to my house and stole my laptop, which had years worth of family photos on it. Where was I when it was stolen? At Staples, buying supplies that included CDs to finally back up my pictures. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2013 11:23 - Australia - Mackay

Today, I regretfully confessed to my parents I have trichotillomania. There was a torturous pause, followed by the question, "Are you gay?" FML

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By Joe - 11/12/2011 01:03 - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom, braiding my dad's pubic hair. I don't know what scarred me more; my mom braiding his pubic hair or the fact that his pubic hair is long enough to be braided. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2010 09:17 - New Zealand

Today, I fell over on the bus. X-Rays revealed not only that I have been growing extra bones in my foot, but that when I fell, I crushed all of them. Doctors don't know how to fix bones that aren't supposed to be there, so they're just going to cut them out. Two days before Christmas. FML

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By Noname - 14/2/2009 16:48 - United States

Today, I bought some flowers. As I was checking out, the cashier asked, "Aww, these for your mom? How sweet." I responded they were for a girl I liked. She laughed and said, "Sorry..." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2015 14:50 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my father passed away. I called my boss to let him know about the situation. His only response before hanging up: "Shit, dude. Well, I'll see you in the morning, these reports won't write themselves." FML

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By MacGrouber - 17/3/2011 00:12 - United States

Today, my bird learned to mimic my fire alarm. It proved it to me at 3 am. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2011 14:26 - United States

Today, I caught my boyfriend of two years cheating on me. Instead of the usual excuses, he panicked and claimed he was my boyfriend's long-lost twin brother. He even tried to put on a fake accent. FML

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By grossfoot - 31/8/2010 06:14 - United States

Today, while getting on the subway, I tripped over the gap between the train and the platform. My flip-flop caught on the edge, and fell into the gap. I had to walk home with one flip-flop. FML

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Top comments

By Charles900 | 16

#6264374 - Thursday 16 April 2015 15:07

I'd give him an "A" for effort.

By tehman117 | 21

#6264372 - Thursday 16 April 2015 15:06

it's the tbought that counts.

Comments

By Nat3_2020 | 16

#6264368 - Thursday 16 April 2015 15:04

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Mauskau | 35

#6264388 - Thursday 16 April 2015 15:18

Well no, they humped instead of sucking.

saizml | 9

#6265683 - Saturday 18 April 2015 1:34

Well sucking may have been involved

By fifi125 | 21

#6264369 - Thursday 16 April 2015 15:05

It's a hard-knock life for you

thatguynamedsky | 32

#6264370 - Thursday 16 April 2015 15:05

wasnt for about seven minutes

BlondePsycho | 43

#6264379 - Thursday 16 April 2015 15:13

More like a soft-knock

1PersonIsMyWorld | 22

#6264908 - Friday 17 April 2015 5:09

He was trying so hard to please u..

teentee401 | 36

#6264953 - Friday 17 April 2015 6:15

Seems like he wasn't trying very hard at all

AcieMcG | 21

#6265969 - Saturday 18 April 2015 9:25

*hard not life ;p

By NicholasLanier | 12

#6264371 - Thursday 16 April 2015 15:06

At least he tried though

Isandri | 29

#6264409 - Thursday 16 April 2015 15:49

true that, my ex bf wouldn't ever care abt my pleasure so.. its very nice of your husband OP :)

cristy91 | 33

#6264484 - Thursday 16 April 2015 18:15

Yeah, that's true, but there's other ways to satisfy. Next time just say oops, laugh, and use the other skills rather than keep trying

sturschaedel | 27

#6264494 - Thursday 16 April 2015 18:43

31, good thing he's an ex then.

bgodbold | 7

#6264914 - Friday 17 April 2015 5:16

Probably why he's your ex right?

Llama_Face89 | 33

#6268507 - Tuesday 21 April 2015 1:16

101- at least part of the reason

By tehman117 | 21

#6264372 - Thursday 16 April 2015 15:06

it's the tbought that counts.

Zebediabolical | 37

#6264470 - Thursday 16 April 2015 17:45

I always thought it was the thought that counted more.

By Charles900 | 16

#6264374 - Thursday 16 April 2015 15:07

I'd give him an "A" for effort.

Wizardo | 33

#6264396 - Thursday 16 April 2015 15:25

"D" for execution though.

Ilmoran | 20

#6264404 - Thursday 16 April 2015 15:35

But the execution didn't contain enough D.

lnheritance | 19

#6264464 - Thursday 16 April 2015 17:26

I give the man an A. OP shouldn't really complain about it though, men aren't made to last longer than women.

invadermaythe1st | 35

#6264528 - Thursday 16 April 2015 19:04

I think it didn't have enough S, but then that's my opinion ;o

WhoCouldIBe | 11

#6264560 - Thursday 16 April 2015 19:32

But that's an "easy A"

Daevas | 18

#6264659 - Thursday 16 April 2015 22:33

But he most likely got a 'J' instead xD

Leprekhaun | 14

#6264675 - Thursday 16 April 2015 23:06

F for 'flacid'

Miss_Whipped | 42

#6265029 - Friday 17 April 2015 9:22

Stop with the goddamn alphabet. Please.

Pep010 | 2

#6265081 - Friday 17 April 2015 11:31

FitFriday | 32

#6265310 - Friday 17 April 2015 18:30

0x48656C6C6F | 13

#6680607 - Monday 29 August 2016 19:34

By Eyeslick | 33

#6264375 - Thursday 16 April 2015 15:09

No the problem is that it's not hard;)

By paintedchocolate | 30

#6264376 - Thursday 16 April 2015 15:09

Well, you gotta at least appreciate the thought.

By gc327072 | 29

#6264377 - Thursday 16 April 2015 15:09

Don't be so tough on him, he's only trying to please you…

LOLouis_fml | 24

#6264563 - Thursday 16 April 2015 19:34

She should be softer on him...

By mattrd_fml | 31

#6264380 - Thursday 16 April 2015 15:13

no, she waited 7 minutes to call him out on it.

By Llama_Face89 | 33

#6264381 - Thursday 16 April 2015 15:14

Read, dude.