Intimacy: Today, my husband came too soon during sex. He then tried to...

By Evra - 16/04/2015 05:04 - United States

Today, my husband came too soon during sex. He then tried to pretend it didn't happen and continued. He humped me with a half-erect noodle for about seven minutes before I finally called him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 103

You deserved it 6 070

Intimacy

Mother of the year

Late term

Pokémon Gone

By titillating - 12/03/2012 04:28 - United States

Today, on my way to work, I had to squeeze by a man sitting in a large truck parked next to my car. I was in a bit of a hurry and in my rush the collar of my shirt got caught on his grill. My shirt ripped and I flashed the guy my entire boob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 827

You deserved it 4 518

By embarrassed - 03/07/2010 07:14 - Australia

Today, I went out with my boyfriend and thought I'd wear two bras under my singlet-top to make my chest look bigger. Upon leaving Target, one of the security guards noticed the extra straps and accused me of shoplifting. I had to spend the next 20 minutes explaining the situation to security. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 288

You deserved it 47 016

Hello?

By blahhlovely_30 - 09/03/2011 20:03 - United States

Today, I lost my cat. It's deaf, so no matter what I do it can't hear me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 537

You deserved it 4 929

By Mustang - 05/08/2010 01:13 - United States

Today, some jerk super glued leaves and a note onto my car's front windshield. Not only is it directly in front of the driver's seat and makes it nearly impossible to drive, but it won't come off. What makes it worse? I was spending the night at a friend's house and the note was meant for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 047

You deserved it 2 591

By Anonymous - 06/12/2011 06:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I found that when a hot girl asks you whether you have a girlfriend, saying, "I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one" is not the best way to proceed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 030

You deserved it 75 777

By epipen life - 10/03/2019 16:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend’s mom fed me a new dish containing peanuts, knowing full well I’m severely allergic. According to her, her ancestors “cured” allergies by exposing the person to the allergen. I went into anaphylactic shock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 388

You deserved it 215

By Zzz - 30/01/2017 16:00 - United States - Brighton

Today, I took a team meeting from home. More specifically, my bed. Because I make great decisions, I ended up falling asleep. At some point during my nap, my cat walked over my keyboard, turning on my webcam. I woke up to my video on and no one left in the meeting. Everyone saw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 308

You deserved it 5 627

By stepsister - 10/06/2011 05:17 - United States

Today, I met my soon-to-be step mother. My dad was right, we had a lot in common. Including our birth year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 411

You deserved it 4 066

New deal

By Anonymous - 05/01/2020 18:00

Today, my girlfriend's dad offered me $100 to break up with his daughter. I eagerly replied "No", but my girlfriend grabbed the money and said, "Deal." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 611

You deserved it 265

By Anonymous - 02/06/2015 05:03

Today, I received a beautiful, heart-felt text from my boyfriend detailing all the ways he loved me. He probably should have emphasized just how big his heart is though because he sent the text to three other women too. Thank you, group messaging. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 474

You deserved it 2 570

By vw - 20/02/2012 05:05 - United States

Today, I was talking to my grandpa while he was gardening outside. Suddenly I feel this hard, salty thing fly into my mouth and I spit it out. It turned out to be a beetle. My grandpa takes one look at the beetle and says, "Well, at least that poor bug finally got you to shut up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 404

You deserved it 6 475

By waitingformyfoodstamps - 24/01/2009 10:50 - United States

Today, I sent out my resume to about a dozen jobs on Craigslist. I realized that I hadn't updated it in a while and went to double check it after the fact. My ex at some point had changed my objective to "I'm a cocksucker who needs a job real bad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 048

You deserved it 8 330

By Queen_Dread - 04/05/2012 07:19 - United States - Ocean Park

Today, my fiancé and I appeared in the paper for obtaining our marriage license. In the same column half way down his parents appeared for filing their marriage dissolution petition. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 539

You deserved it 1 986

By Kpotassium - 19/12/2016 21:58 - Canada - Sudbury

Today, I noticed that my two cats have been urinating on my Christmas tree skirt more frequently than in their litter box. I've tried to get them to stop, but I don't know how. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 002

You deserved it 1 036

By Anonymous - 04/07/2015 03:41 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I had to lie to my coworkers about me and some guy beating the absolute shite out of each other in a bar fight, all to avoid admitting my black eye was from my 7 year old son punching me in the face the other day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 086

You deserved it 6 454

By getajob - 28/09/2012 17:40 - United States - Carmel

Today, while working security at a welfare office, I had to listen as a claimant gushed about her upcoming Caribbean cruise. I work two jobs and haven't had a vacation since 2006. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 421

You deserved it 2 045

By TSampson - 11/06/2009 11:51 - United States

Today, my mom's will was read to the rest of the family. I helped my mom write it a couple years ago, and I was to get funds to pay off school loans. She revised it and put in a note saying I was to get nothing because I was "lazy." The executor read it out loud. FML

I agree, your life sucks 109 979

You deserved it 11 273

By Anonymous - 12/12/2011 03:38 - United States

Today, I found out that my father died a little over a year ago. I don't know what's worse; the fact that I don't care or the fact that in his will all he wanted was me not to attend his funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 800

You deserved it 6 846

By welptbh - 04/04/2018 16:30 - United States - San Pablo

Today, I came out to my parents as trans. They immediately took my remaining college savings, canceled my credit card, and began plotting to abduct me and "wean me off hormones, like a heroin addict." FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 004

You deserved it 1 460

By Animal cruelty - 19/02/2015 13:46 - Australia

Today, I was off from school because of an extremely bad barking cough. My neighbours called the police because apparently my cough sounds like someone torturing an animal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 080

You deserved it 2 354

By theothercassie - 10/02/2011 14:55

Today, I reported in for my first day at work. When I walked in they asked "Who are you?" I answered "Cassie, it's my first day today" with a huge smile. They'd meant to call and offer the job to the other Cassie they interviewed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 471

You deserved it 2 595

Bathtime

By Kerry - 22/02/2021 20:01 - Canada

Today, I was running water for a relaxing bath. There have been some problems with the town's water for a while now, so I was pleased when the water looked so clear. Right as I thought that, however, the water instantly changed from crystal clear to shit brown. FML

I agree, your life sucks 920

You deserved it 64

Troublemaker

By RIP - 08/11/2019 08:00 - United States - Lambertville

Today at 10:00 pm, someone rang my doorbell 4 times, while I was sleeping. I thought it was an emergency and I opened the door to my neighbor who just want to ask if I had a blackout at noon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 764

You deserved it 134

TMI

By Anonymous - 04/01/2012 16:20 - United States

Today, I had to ask my girlfriend to please stop telling me about her ex's penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 341

You deserved it 4 722

By Anonymous - 19/12/2011 01:24 - United States

Today, I made a fake Facebook account for a girl, and then set my relationship status to make it look like the fake person was my girlfriend. Someone found out and hacked the fake account. My fake girlfriend just dumped me over Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 647

You deserved it 64 189

By Disgusted - 05/07/2009 06:30 - United States

Today, I met my biological mother for the first time. I also found out from her husband that she has her nipples and nether regions pierced. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 938

You deserved it 3 776

By Anon - 13/02/2010 14:53 - United States

Today, I messaged my sister on Facebook chat. We always start our conversations with "HEY SLUT" or "HEY WHORE" etc. It wasn't my sister. However, her boyfriend's mom has a great first impression of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 044

You deserved it 27 059

By Bridget - 11/05/2013 04:01 - Canada - Orangeville

Today, I found out I have something in common with three other girls. We all have the same boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 175

You deserved it 5 729

By woahlaura - 14/02/2016 16:26 - United States - Houston

Today, I gave my boyfriend a $300 cooler for Valentine's Day. When I asked what he got me, he pointed at my stomach. I'm 3 months pregnant with his baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 678

You deserved it 3 363

By knevs - 22/06/2011 20:05 - United States

Today, my mom sold our electronic stuff to pay for hurricane shutters. We live in Chicago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 672

You deserved it 2 959

By oops... - 19/06/2009 04:23 - United States

Today, as a frog biologist I was out in the field searching for a relatively rare frog species. After three hours I finally heard the frog call and I crept closer and closer to the sound until... squish... I stepped on the very frog I was trying to collect. They're endangered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 264

You deserved it 20 015

By alii2349 - 11/02/2014 03:16 - Canada - Brandon

Today, I yelled at my boyfriend's cat for staring at me, then cried about it for an hour. Pregnancy life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 393

You deserved it 10 001

By yuck - 09/12/2018 03:30 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was out riding and a seagull pissed on me. It got in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 566

You deserved it 225

By Normal - 13/12/2009 04:39 - United States

Today, my brother and I got in a fight and he told my friends that I am mentally disabled. They believed him. Apparently, "everything makes sense now." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 943

You deserved it 3 852

By Anonymous - 01/01/2013 07:50 - Australia - Sydney

Today, during the countdown to midnight, I looked for my girlfriend so I could kiss her as 2013 began. I found her just in time to see her making out with some guy she swore was "only a friend." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 876

You deserved it 3 583

Yummy

By Anonymous - 05/05/2021 11:01

Today, I got an unexpected freebie for breakfast: I took my coffee and a plate of food up to my room. By the time I got there, some fairy had topped the food with a generous serving of animal hair. Gee, thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 650

You deserved it 151

By Username - 13/02/2011 21:06 - United States

Today, I put up an ad on Craig's List to find a best friend. I don't know what's more pathetic: looking for a best friend online, or the ad being removed almost instantly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 642

You deserved it 31 025

By Catie - 13/05/2011 18:47 - United States

Today, my husband and I went to the state fair. The entire time, he complained about all the money we were losing because of the high prices of both rides and food. Towards the end of the night, we counted the cash we had left and found we were $50 short. Apparently, it fell out of his pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 834

You deserved it 4 484

Pet lover

By Anonymous - 01/07/2021 13:39

Today, my socks are labeled "100% wool". If you looked at them, though, you'd have to admit that the correct label, after being used for months, would have to read something like, "50% wool, 30% dog hair, 20% cat hair." FML

I agree, your life sucks 285

You deserved it 570

By Jess - 04/05/2009 17:17 - United States

Today, my husband and I got back from our honeymoon and we saw his mom's car in front of our house. When we walked in she asked us so many questions about our trip. The first question she asked my husband was, "Were you satisfied with her in bed?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 768

You deserved it 3 529

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Charles900 16

Send a private message

Thursday 16 April 2015 15:07

I'd give him an "A" for effort.

tehman117 21

Send a private message

Thursday 16 April 2015 15:06

it's the tbought that counts.

Nat3_2020 16

Thursday 16 April 2015 15:04

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

Mauskau 35

Send a private message

Thursday 16 April 2015 15:18

Well no, they humped instead of sucking.

saizml 9

Send a private message

Saturday 18 April 2015 1:34

Well sucking may have been involved

fifi125 21

Send a private message

Thursday 16 April 2015 15:05

It's a hard-knock life for you

thatguynamedsky 32

Send a private message

Thursday 16 April 2015 15:05

wasnt for about seven minutes

BlondePsycho 43

Send a private message

Thursday 16 April 2015 15:13

More like a soft-knock

1PersonIsMyWorld 22

Send a private message

Friday 17 April 2015 5:09

He was trying so hard to please u..

teentee401 36

Send a private message

Friday 17 April 2015 6:15

Seems like he wasn't trying very hard at all

AcieMcG 21

Send a private message

Saturday 18 April 2015 9:25

*hard not life ;p

NicholasLanier 12

Send a private message

Thursday 16 April 2015 15:06

At least he tried though

Isandri 29

Send a private message

Thursday 16 April 2015 15:49

true that, my ex bf wouldn't ever care abt my pleasure so.. its very nice of your husband OP :)

cristy91 33

Send a private message

Thursday 16 April 2015 18:15

Yeah, that's true, but there's other ways to satisfy. Next time just say oops, laugh, and use the other skills rather than keep trying

sturschaedel 27

Send a private message

Thursday 16 April 2015 18:43

31, good thing he's an ex then.

bgodbold 7

Send a private message

Friday 17 April 2015 5:16

Probably why he's your ex right?

Llama_Face89 33

Send a private message

Tuesday 21 April 2015 1:16

101- at least part of the reason

tehman117 21

Send a private message

Thursday 16 April 2015 15:06

it's the tbought that counts.

Zebediabolical 39

Send a private message

Thursday 16 April 2015 17:45

I always thought it was the thought that counted more.

Charles900 16

Send a private message

Thursday 16 April 2015 15:07

I'd give him an "A" for effort.

Wizardo 33

Send a private message

Thursday 16 April 2015 15:25

"D" for execution though.

Ilmoran 20

Send a private message

Thursday 16 April 2015 15:35

But the execution didn't contain enough D.

lnheritance 19

Send a private message

Thursday 16 April 2015 17:26

I give the man an A. OP shouldn't really complain about it though, men aren't made to last longer than women.

invadermaythe1st 35

Send a private message

Thursday 16 April 2015 19:04

I think it didn't have enough S, but then that's my opinion ;o

WhoCouldIBe 11

Send a private message

Thursday 16 April 2015 19:32

But that's an "easy A"

Daevas 18

Send a private message

Thursday 16 April 2015 22:33

But he most likely got a 'J' instead xD

Leprekhaun 14

Send a private message

Thursday 16 April 2015 23:06

F for 'flacid'

Miss_Whipped 43

Send a private message

Friday 17 April 2015 9:22

Stop with the goddamn alphabet. Please.

Pep010 2

Send a private message

Friday 17 April 2015 11:31

FitFriday 32

Send a private message

Friday 17 April 2015 18:30

0x48656C6C6F 13

Send a private message

Monday 29 August 2016 19:34

Eyeslick 33

Send a private message

Thursday 16 April 2015 15:09

No the problem is that it's not hard;)

paintedchocolate 30

Send a private message

Thursday 16 April 2015 15:09

Well, you gotta at least appreciate the thought.

gc327072 30

Send a private message

Thursday 16 April 2015 15:09

Don't be so tough on him, he's only trying to please you…

LOLouis_fml 24

Send a private message

Thursday 16 April 2015 19:34

She should be softer on him...

mattrd_fml 31

Send a private message

Thursday 16 April 2015 15:13

no, she waited 7 minutes to call him out on it.

Llama_Face89 33

Send a private message

Thursday 16 April 2015 15:14

Read, dude.

Nearly

Today, I realized that I wore ripped jeand AND ripped boxers to work. Both ripped at the same place, in between the legs. The result was my looking down and seeing my dick halfway out of my trousers. I can't get up from my seat the rest of the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 584

You deserved it 119

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 297

You deserved it 95

Hello?

New deal

Bathtime

Troublemaker

TMI

Yummy

Pet lover

Add a comment - Reply to : #

Top comments

Comments