Intimacy: Today, while having sex with my husband, he accidentally elbowed...

By naughtymommy0317 - United States

Today, while having sex with my husband, he accidentally elbowed me in the face. I don't know which is worse: that he didn't stop to see if I was OK, or that it seemed to turn him on and he climaxed immediately after he'd hit me. FML

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Intimacy

Cold-blooded old times

Spoiled for choice

Packaging

By thisistypical - United States

Today, I found out that the money my husband said he loaned to his "mother" actually went to the purchase of new lingerie for the woman he's cheating on me with. I just got the bill from the department store. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I took my girlfriend of nearly 2 years out to dinner so I could propose. When the waiter brought the check, I caused a bit of a scene to get everyone's attention. When I got on my knee and proposed, she said no and asked if I could hurry up and pay, because she was embarrassed. FML

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By loveinanelevator

Today, I visited the doctor. I had food poisoning last week, which led to diarrhea. The diarrhea was so bad it caused a hemorrhoid. The hemorrhoid somehow became infected. One bad sandwich, and now I have an infected asshole. FML

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By Sonic - United States

Today, I was on a conference call while in the bathroom with all the important people in my district. I thought my phone was on mute, so I took the opportunity to flush the toilet. Turns out, that my phone wasn't on mute, and everyone heard it. I'm the only one who was on the conference call outside of work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend got drunk. He always pukes when he gets drunk, but I decided to drive him home anyway. He didn't puke the whole ride. We arrived at his house and he got out. Right as I was about to drive away he stumbled back to my car because he forgot his wallet. He grabbed it and puked on me. FML

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By ForeverLost - 26/3/2020 20:21

Together, forever

Today, my wife asked me for a divorce, shortly after I found out she's been having an affair. Then our county placed us on quarantine for Covid-19. Now I'm stuck living with her until it goes away. FML

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By pokeballbra - United States

Today, I had to sit on the bus next to a creepy guy. He began pestering me with overly-sexual statements, and finally I told him I had a boyfriend. He responded with "Tell me his name so I can track him down, kill him, and hopefully take his place." FML

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By shescomfortablynumb - United States

Today, I had a 3rd date with a great guy. Over dinner, he told me that he wanted to see more of me. When I agreed, he pulled out his schedule book and started to tell me he was dating 5 other women besides me. He then told me what week in the "rotation" would be mine. He wasn't kidding. FML

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By alsayslegit - United States

Today, I was at a party, and I sat down on a chair. While conversing with friends, I shifted places on the chair, and broke it. Embarrassed, I then stood up and change chairs. After moving to the next chair, I broke that one too. FML

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By nitrok

Today, I started driving with Lyft to fill the time until my new job starts next month. On my very first fare, my car died. FML

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By Yes - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me to come over because we "needed to talk." Going down the stairs, I tripped and fell. I woke up from unconsciousness with a hurting leg and my boyfriend standing over me. Just as I was about to smile and ask for a kiss, he said, "Maybe we should take a break" and left. FML

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By AtLeastTheyreClean - Australia - Melbourne

Today, after hours of protesting and tantrums, I finally got my kids to clean their rooms. They're all really proud of themselves and enjoying all the extra space. I'm stuck with the three extra loads of laundry they found in there. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was attacked by a bird at 3 in the morning. The bird was being attacked by an owl, and decided the safest place to land wasn't in a tree, but my face. No-one will believe me, despite the 12 stitches across my face. FML

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By - France

Today, my 10-year-old brother won the poem contest at his school. Since then he won’t stop bugging me with them. FML

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By meesa in big doo do dis time!

Today, I learned that all of my "friends" refer to me as the, "Jar Jar Binks" of our circle of friends. FML

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By ripped - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my cat used my head as a springboard and ripped my earring out with her claw. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was giving my one-year-old a bath. I'd finished washing her, so she started to play and splash. When I went to lift her out of the tub, I slipped and busted my kneecaps on the side. Guess who sat there and laughed hysterically as I cried out in agony. FML

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By fml_anon - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to spend a depressingly long time convincing my 29-year-old husband that our house isn't haunted and that the door slammed shut because it was windy outside. I repeat, "29-year-old husband" and "haunted". It's like I'm married to a child. FML

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By pencilring - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed. The ring just had a piece of graphite on it. My boyfriend argued that since graphite and diamonds are both just forms of carbon, it is the same thing. FML

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By akward - United States

Today, I began my job as an intern at a high school. I saw one of the students looked very familiar, and I couldn't remember from where. Then I figured it out, I had hooked up with him at a club last week. He's a junior in high school, I'm in my last year of college. FML

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By why?! - United States

Today, my mom baked cupcakes for my visiting grandparents. Later, I saw my grandpa chowing down on them. Even later, my mom demanded to know why there were a dozen cupcake wrappers on my bed. I've essentially been framed by my own grandpa, and am now grounded for a month. FML

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By anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was talking to a cute guy at my house party and had to fart. Luckily, it was silent. Unluckily, he smelled it, thought my house had a gas leak, and ran to the basement to check the pipes and ensure our safety. FML

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By hoser - Canada

Today, I went skiing. Trying to show off to some inexperienced skiers, I flew past them at my top speed, a bracket snapped off my boot and I slid on my face for about 30 metres. FML

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By steph - United States - Helotes

Today, I was trying to go for number 2 while drying my hair so that my boy friend won't hear me do it. The lock on the door was broken, and he saw how good I am at multitasking. FML

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By Ew-dles

Today, I was finishing a bowl of ramen while watching a video. As I scooped up the last bits, I realized the clump of seasoning I had been saving for last was actually a dead fly. FML

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By purrtygirl - United States

Today, a guy from my school came into my work. I knew him but forgot his name. I didn't want to be rude and ask for his name when he probably expected me to know it. So, thinking I was clever, I said "How do you spell your name again?". His name was Rob. FML

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By Toloveornottolove - Canada

Today, my boyfriend proposed. I was about to call my parents and tell them we're getting married, but they called me first to announce they're getting a divorce. FML

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By lacieQ - Canada

Today, I confided to my grandma that I'm suffering from depression and I feel like a burden to everyone. She replied that her grandpa used to suffer from depression too, but that he'd cured himself in the end, namely by committing suicide. Thanks, grandma, thanks. FML

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By Discouraged - Canada - Newmarket

Today, my brother admitted that he decides whether he will date a girl or not based on the number of likes she gets on her selfies. We share the same blood. FML

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By OompaLoompa - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to use fake tan, seeing as I am so pale. Everywhere I have been today, I have had children behind me. Singing the Oompa Loompa song. FML

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By Yubi - Belgium

Today, my mother told me: "If you didn't exist, I wouldn't stay with your father". So it's MY fault if she's having problems with him? FML

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By anonymous - United States - Rio Rancho

Today, I went to a trampoline park and jumped into an adult-area foam pit that apparently used to be for children. I guess it never occurred to them to change the depth of it, as I now have a fractured ankle. FML

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By reesemaster - United States

Today, I went to use the public restroom. As I saw the toilet paper was out, I could see there was some hanging down from the other stall. As I went to grab it, I felt a hand grab mine and a voice ask seductively, "what were you reaching for?" FML

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By babybambi

Today, I got food poisoning for the first time after cooking. Yesterday, I met my boyfriend's family for the first time. FML

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By feels like an asshole - United States

Today, I took new sleeping meds. One of the side effects was sleepwalking. I had a dream my girlfriend wanted me to pee on her. Apparently, while sleepwalking, I pissed all over our dog. FML

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By WasFeelingGood - United States

Today, I received the newspaper from my hometown. My ex-husband's wedding announcement and picture were on the front page. His new wife has the same first name as me. All my Facebook friends from high school commented on how much weight I've lost and how good I look in my wedding photo. FML

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By stellarshaun - United States

Today, I was naked in bed. I was eating vanilla yogurt and it spilt. My dad walked in and then apologized that he had walked in on me while I was masturbating. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Marlton

Not now

Today, at my mother's funeral, as everyone was around her casket for the viewing, my 5-year-old son in cluelessness of what was going on shouted, "Grandma is more fun when she isn't sleeping." Everyone cried. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got home late after a long day at work and all I wanted to do was take a shower and go to bed. As soon as the water in the shower was hot, I got in. One minute, I was standing and the next I was fast asleep at the bottom of the tub. I woke up with my face swollen and my shoulder bruised. FML

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By i'm not psychic, mother fucker - Sweden - Uppsala

Today, I got a text message while driving home. I checked after arriving, and found it was a kinky text from my boyfriend, so I sent him an even kinkier reply. He later raged at me, because I somehow should have known he was showing off his phone to his mom when I sent my reply. FML

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Top comments

By ddinspire6 | 10

#5544208 - Thursday 20 June 2013 18:41

Did he ask if you were okay once he finished?

By NeDaroft | 5

#5544212 - Thursday 20 June 2013 18:42

How kinky ^___^ next time elbow him in the balls then fake an orgasm, see how he likes it

COMMENTS

By ddinspire6 | 10

#5544208 - Thursday 20 June 2013 18:41

Did he ask if you were okay once he finished?

speshlk37 | 13

#5544402 - Thursday 20 June 2013 21:00

Accidentally you say...?

Jac_d_ipper | 10

#5545351 - Friday 21 June 2013 15:30

Coincidence much!

By jackiemora | 18

#5544209 - Thursday 20 June 2013 18:42

Maybe he couldn't stop since he did climaxed. I'm assuming once a guy starts they can't stop.

TheElBurrrito | 21

#5544370 - Thursday 20 June 2013 20:25

Can you stop your climax after you start?

friedpwnadge | 25

#5544373 - Thursday 20 June 2013 20:32

Nope.

B0nb0N09 | 12

#5544388 - Thursday 20 June 2013 20:49

They can stop wtf

jjessen | 20

#5544403 - Thursday 20 June 2013 21:01

#48 from what planet did you come from has guys who can stop once they've started climaxing? i personally know i can't stop once I've started

desoto96 | 9

#5544406 - Thursday 20 June 2013 21:06

I believe the correct term is "the point of no return." Well, according to urban dictionary that is.

hooligyn123 | 18

#5544453 - Thursday 20 June 2013 21:57

I'm thinking #48 is confusing the word climax for having sex... at least I hope.

TheDrifter | 23

#5544457 - Thursday 20 June 2013 22:00

Perhaps for 48 they're very much the same thing? In and done, like a microwave oven.

raphanne_fml | 33

#5544470 - Thursday 20 June 2013 22:19

Hop on, hop off, like a city bus.

Zebediabolical | 37

#5544482 - Thursday 20 June 2013 22:33

I give women the best 42 seconds of their lives.

That's twice. And a short nap.

SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#5544499 - Thursday 20 June 2013 22:55

42 seconds?? Pfft! Try 15 seconds!

.....wait...that's a bad thing?

Blazinthatshit | 9

#5544544 - Friday 21 June 2013 0:30

Who would want to stop while climaxing anyways? I mean, I've never tried stopping and I can definitely say I don't want to.

gameofthrones_fml | 12

#5544626 - Friday 21 June 2013 2:16

Orgasms an sneezes are the only physiological functions that cannot be voluntarily stopped once they have started.

iLike2Teabag | 27

#5544653 - Friday 21 June 2013 2:26

Have you ever tried stopping mid-pee? I hear it takes years of practice.

By xoamy906 | 25

#5544210 - Thursday 20 June 2013 18:42

Kinky.

lennelleong | 33

#5544506 - Thursday 20 June 2013 23:05

I took an arrow to my knee - and orgasmed!
I gave birth - and orgasmed!
I was doing pilates - and orgasmed!
Yup -
kinky.

JACKxRAWR | 22

#5544592 - Friday 21 June 2013 1:31

#3, I think that comment got every male user of FML visiting your profile.

By NeDaroft | 5

#5544212 - Thursday 20 June 2013 18:42

How kinky ^___^ next time elbow him in the balls then fake an orgasm, see how he likes it

tygerarmy | 35

#5544326 - Thursday 20 June 2013 19:51

Why fake it?
OP should elbow him when she orgasms.

jizzwold | 21

#5544352 - Thursday 20 June 2013 20:09

If it really was an accident then I don't see how causing him pain is warranted.

Torch15 | 9

#5544487 - Thursday 20 June 2013 22:37

And being elbowed in the balls hurts a lot more than an elbow to the face.

By KevinFlynn | 13

#5544213 - Thursday 20 June 2013 18:42

did he at least take care of your needs?

By MsFML_ | 16

#5544215 - Thursday 20 June 2013 18:42

He likes it rough.

Soninuva | 41

#5544291 - Thursday 20 June 2013 19:28

More like he thinks SHE likes it rough.

By golden_warrior | 23

#5544216 - Thursday 20 June 2013 18:43

Are you dating Metta World Peace?

golden_warrior | 23

#5544226 - Thursday 20 June 2013 18:48

Married to***

By dangousity | 21

#5544217 - Thursday 20 June 2013 18:43

Stop we can, stop we don't

By emeraldisle | 30

#5544218 - Thursday 20 June 2013 18:44

Maybe he's secretly into S&M.

By anythingmustbe | 18

#5544219 - Thursday 20 June 2013 18:44

Could this be the start of a new fetish for your husband to spice up your love life?