Today, in the middle of sex, my husband accidentally headbutted...

By KO - 12/10/2014 16:45 - United States

Today, in the middle of sex, my husband accidentally headbutted me, almost knocking me unconscious. FML

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Intimacy

Everyone's an expert

Great boyfriend

Business savvy

By dudeyouarefired - 20/12/2012 08:16

Today, the highly intoxicated singer of my band decided it would be a wonderful idea to squat down and take a shit on stage in the middle of a gig. FML

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By It's Something - 27/10/2017 13:00 - United States - Toledo

Welcome to retail.

Today, I finally got a new job. Now, instead of dealing with trashy, rude young adults all day, I get to deal with self-entitled, berating old people all day. I'm not sure which is worse. FML

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By Filingfordivorce - 18/5/2017 16:00

Today, it seems my husband didn't realize that "Office Space" is just a movie and began to act like the characters in a pathetic attempt to, "stand up to the establishment!" Perhaps he also didn't realize that attempted arson is considered a federal crime. The bail is $20,000. FML

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By malebonding - 17/8/2009 13:50 - United States

Today, I slept in late and when I woke up, thought I was the only one in the house so I decided to walk around the corner to the only upstairs bathroom naked. My dad also slept in, also thought he was the only one in the house, and also decided to walk to the bathroom naked. We collided. FML

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By notsohappy - 18/2/2009 21:14 - United States

Today, was the first time I had sex with a guy I really like. I took off my shirt and my bra and he said "wow, that's disappointing." FML

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By lamemom - 5/4/2014 22:05 - Canada - Fredericton

Today, my friend saw a stamp on my hand and asked me which club I had gone to last night. I was so desperate to seem cool that I lied, instead of admitting it was actually from a children's play group that I took my kids to. FML

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By notsexy - 9/5/2009 15:51 - United States

Today, I tried for the first time putting a condom on my boyfriend using my mouth. I freaked out, swallowed, and started choking on the condom. FML

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By mpsteve137 - 30/6/2012 06:21 - United States - Acworth

Today, I realized I say "sorry" more than anything else during sex with my girlfriend. FML

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By Mrs. Awkward - 15/10/2018 12:00

Today, I helped an older guy with his safe deposit box. He said it's perfect for holding his ex-wife's remains and laughed. I laughed because I thought he was kidding. He wasn't. FML

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By unashamed - 5/6/2014 08:11 - Australia - Ipswich

Today, an older gentleman came into my work for underwear. I helped him find his size, pulled out a pair of navy ones and he then turned to me and said, "I don't want dark colours because I can't tell if I've shit myself." He then continued looking for all the white pairs. FML

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By thankssiren - 24/5/2014 20:44 - United Kingdom - Sandiacre

Today, my friend started his first day of work with me. I thought it'd be fun, but he's been putting on an obnoxious fake French accent and saying "merde" whenever anything goes wrong. Half the women at the office want his dick, and I'm still as single as ever. FML

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By Micawber - 31/1/2011 13:55 - Denmark

Today, it was my birthday. I got ONE birthday greeting: from my bank, telling me they were closing my account. FML

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By rusty2020 - 25/3/2009 16:32 - United States

Today, we got our yearbooks for school. I opened to my profile to see that they misspelled my first name which is James. They wrote Lames. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2016 16:37 - United States - Middletown

Today, during a soccer game, some utter moron got the bright idea of trying to score a goal from his side of the field. I sarcastically made a big show of just barely stopping the ball, and nailed it off to the side. The ball hit a kid so hard in the head that he had to go to the hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2009 09:04 - Australia

Today, as a respected artist I was running a workshop with a bunch of rowdy college kids. I was in the middle of demonstrating a painting technique when I accidentally washed my paintbrush in my coffee instead of my paint water. They waited until I then drank from it to burst out in hysterics. FML

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By sigh - 13/4/2016 02:10 - United States - Charlotte

Today, my new neighbor offered to "humanely capture and relocate" the squirrels in my attic. He then "humanely" shot at them with a BB gun, and the "relocated" them into his stomach once they were killed. Welcome to the neighborhood. FML

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By puppylove - 5/5/2020 08:00

Zoning out

Today, my mother found me staring at my puppy's asshole. She had apparently been standing there for 5 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2011 08:17 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend forgot to tell me about the all-night bender he went out on, and what he got up to with my best friend. But its okay; the Facebook pictures say it all. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2012 07:18 - United States

Today, excited that I finally got a place of my own, I invited my boyfriend over for a sexy sleep over. He told me his mom doesn't want him sleeping over. He's 21 years old. FML

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By ICallBullshxt - 18/3/2017 20:00

Today, I added my boss to the "ew" list on Skype. I then realized it sends her a notification. FML

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By WOCOACH - 9/9/2009 19:33 - United States

Today, I woke up to my 8 month old son happy as can be. I could hear him laughing over the monitor. When I walked into the room, he had somehow got his diaper off and was holding onto his new found penis. He thought it was hysterical when it went off and shot urine everywhere. FML

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By epicfailureismyl - 5/4/2018 15:00

Today, whilst driving, I had the sudden urge to vomit. As I pulled over I wound my window down, stuck my head out, and emptied my stomach. At least I would have if I had wound down the driver's window instead of the back window. FML

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By schooyou101 - 4/12/2012 00:53 - United States - Prairie Village

Today, my crazy psychopath of a neighbor sent me an email with the subject, "So, about your sex life." I've been sitting here for 20 minutes staring at it because I'm too scared to open it. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2013 17:57 - Norway - Haugesund

Today, while giving my girlfriend a back-rub, she moaned and commented, "If only you could fuck this well." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2019 14:00

Today, I was scrolling through Instagram when I got a new follow suggestion. I checked her feed, and found out it was my ex-fiancé’s newest fiancée. And he'd proposed to her using an $185 ring I'd bought myself for my birthday last year. FML

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By BikerGuy - 24/2/2016 06:31 - Canada - Alhambra

Today, the girl who likes me incredibly much asked me if she could come for a ride with me on my motorcycle. Normally this isn't a problem as I take lots of people out for rides for fun, but this time I had no choice but to tell her she couldn't because she's just too heavy for it. FML

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By dodgerkiss - 10/6/2009 06:38 - United States

Today, I went to a Dodger game with my crush. Between innings, the "Kiss cam" came up on the big screen. The camera happened to land on us, and when my crush saw us on the screen, he leaned away from me and buried his face in his hands. Everyone saw, and sympathetically said "Awww." FML

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By ghost? - 16/12/2012 08:31 - Australia - Perth

Today, my boyfriend told me he couldn't spend the day with me as he had his grandmother's funeral. Lonely, I went shopping and I bumped into his mum having lunch with his 'dead' grandma. FML

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By snydeeli000 - 27/10/2015 03:41 - United States - Kent

Today, I learned the hisses of my 3 cats so I can tell who starts the fights. FML

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By claudio117 - 8/4/2012 09:16 - Canada - Coquitlam

Today, during an Easter egg hunt, I found divorce papers. FML

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By Noname - 5/3/2009 19:44 - Canada

Today, at the dentist, I was getting my teeth cleaned. Looking up at his nose, I saw runny snot dripping onto his lip. I tried to slowly move away. He told me "Stop!" The movement of his lips caused the snot to fall right into my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2015 07:21 - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, my husband of 3 weeks told me he doesn't want to be married anymore because I suggested getting a joint bank account. FML

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By DantesInfernalRage - 12/9/2017 13:00

Today, I had to resign from my job because I tested positive for drugs. I've never taken drugs. FML

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By bumblebee - 14/9/2009 21:30 - United Kingdom

Today, I was hanging out with a guy I liked. We sat in the gardens, me facing the path, him with his back to it. We were in deep conversation when I noticed a dog that looked exactly like mine. Then I looked up and saw a man that looked like my dad. Yes - my parents followed me on a date. FML

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By strawberrypuff - 4/5/2009 23:39 - United States

Today, I found out nobody in my family wants to come to my college graduation. I spent 4 years and $60,000 to be the first person in my family to go to college, and nobody wants to see me graduate because the 4 hour ceremony is too long. FML

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By Keastwood013 - 18/1/2013 15:25 - United States

Today, I held a door open for a sweet old lady with a walker. After she went through the door, she turned and said, "That's not how you're gonna get into my pants, son." FML

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By Face - 9/1/2010 10:12 - Australia

Today, I got hit in the face with a piece of bacon. FML

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By kinkicali - 20/11/2012 08:43 - United States - Maple Valley

Today, trying to be kinky while giving my boyfriend a blow job, I whipped him with my ponytail. He was thrilled, until I accidentally head-butted his dick. He curled up into a ball and wouldn't let me touch him again. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2017 06:00 - United States - North Olmsted

Today, my mom tried to ground me. In the apartment that I own. Because I didn't eat enough of the dinner that I'd made. FML

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By the next james herriot - 10/9/2013 23:30 - United States - Laurel

Today, I found out my extremely anti-war relatives hate me because they think I served in the Army, after hearing I was "a vet". I'm a veterinarian. FML

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Top comments

By turdoblast | 21

#6088015 - Sunday 12 October 2014 23:26

could've been worse. he could've accidentally headed your butt

By ktm71125 | 19

#6088012 - Sunday 12 October 2014 23:25

Headbutt him back

Comments

By ktm71125 | 19

#6088012 - Sunday 12 October 2014 23:25

Headbutt him back

GuitarFail123 | 9

#6088060 - Monday 13 October 2014 0:04

I should headbutt you for how shitty a comment that was

kinky44 | 28

#6088065 - Monday 13 October 2014 0:11

And i'll headbutt you for your shitty reply.
*waits to be headbutted*

mastamouse | 12

#6088099 - Monday 13 October 2014 1:01

Sounds like he gave some pretty good head

nix1993 | 41

#6088143 - Monday 13 October 2014 3:09

Well sure, what's sexier than a concussion?

Roskosity | 22

#6088195 - Monday 13 October 2014 4:55

@34 percussion.

Ltsdragons | 19

#6088232 - Monday 13 October 2014 5:53

There's an FML in moderation saying "Today, during sex, I head butted my wife, almost knocking her unconscious. FML"

rambleramble3 | 11

#6090412 - Wednesday 15 October 2014 21:27

Why did #44 get down voted?
That was great! :)

By Vagitarian1 | 10

#6088013 - Sunday 12 October 2014 23:25

Sounds intense.

sayyestothedress | 24

#6088466 - Monday 13 October 2014 14:36

Could've been worse, the condom could've broke!

By turdoblast | 21

#6088015 - Sunday 12 October 2014 23:26

could've been worse. he could've accidentally headed your butt

BigLatchZatch | 14

#6088049 - Sunday 12 October 2014 23:48

Thanks for that. >:)

By marleypuckpuck | 22

#6088021 - Sunday 12 October 2014 23:28

wow it was a knockout

By chaosmanfun | 7

#6088023 - Sunday 12 October 2014 23:29

So he likes it rough?

By sarah5745 | 41

#6088026 - Sunday 12 October 2014 23:31

Looks like you guys were in some intense shit!

By boating_guy | 33

#6088029 - Sunday 12 October 2014 23:31

Are we talking the head on his shoulders or his other head

EvilTurtle | 35

#6088115 - Monday 13 October 2014 1:27

Why not both?

hacksaw246 | 24

#6088145 - Monday 13 October 2014 3:11

*que Mexican music

By BBlah | 26

#6088031 - Sunday 12 October 2014 23:33

At least it was an "almost" and not a "completely"...? Either way, just have him make it up to you ;)

By redstone7693 | 29

#6088033 - Sunday 12 October 2014 23:34

sounds like some rough sex

By ilovemsminaj | 13

#6088034 - Sunday 12 October 2014 23:35

Talk about rough sex