Today, in the middle of sex, my husband accidentally headbutted...

By KO - 12/10/2014 16:45 - United States

Today, in the middle of sex, my husband accidentally headbutted me, almost knocking me unconscious. FML

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Intimacy

Breaking Badly

Mr Sensitivity

Great guy

By sweetjulie - 11/7/2019 18:00

Today, and for the past week, my 5-year-old daughter has been introducing herself as “Mazda. Zoom-zoom!” FML

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By smiler - 17/3/2010 16:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I had my wisdom teeth removed. The sympathetic words from my boyfriend asked if this meant I could open my mouth a bit wider for him now. FML

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By adamwilcockson - 18/9/2014 04:05 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I found out I'm allergic to bug repellent. So instead of having a couple of itchy bug bites, my skin feels like it's on fire and is violently itchy everywhere the repellent has touched. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/2/2015 00:20 - Canada - Toronto

Today, the doctor let me know I have an autoimmune disease. The disease results in ulcers in my colon which bleed when I poop. I cried, but only when I was told that I wouldn't be allowed to eat cheese anymore. FML

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By Kiki - 12/7/2018 12:30 - United States - Littleton

Today, I found out that my roommate of 4 years is sleeping with my ex of 7 years. Yesterday, she showed up to court as a witness for him and lied on the stand to try to get the protection order dropped. She's on the lease, so I have to live with this snake for 2 more months. FML

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By "AR Good" - 26/3/2019 11:00 - United States - Hawthorne

Today, my husband is pissed off, withholding affection, and not speaking to me. Why? I don't want to have sex with random men while he watches. FML

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By NewlyDread - 6/2/2013 02:31 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my boyfriend and I were looking at engagement rings. When the store owner asked about our budget, my boyfriend said with a straight face, "Nothing too expensive, I have a big penis so I don't have to overcompensate by buying a big diamond." FML

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By myles bevan - 9/9/2010 10:01 - United Kingdom

Today, whilst sat next to a old lady on a flight back to the UK, I exclaimed how I wished somebody would gag the crying baby a few rows behind us. Her reply was, "That's my grandson." FML

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By _whyy_mee - 2/7/2015 18:00 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, my neighbor yelled at me for driving recklessly. I was going 35 mph, and she was stopped in the middle of a road around a blind curve. My "reckless driving" was slamming on the brakes so I wouldn't hit her. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2011 04:38 - Canada

Today, I decided to work out. Being too embarrassed to run in public, I instead ran in circles in my basement. FML

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By AlexSnower - 12/4/2020 02:00

Mismatched

Today, I'm trying to get over my OCD by wearing 2 different shoes. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2015 20:00 - United States - Burlington

Today, my girlfriend was making lunch and asked me to pass her the peanut butter. I'll never know why, but as I handed it to her I said the first thing that came to mind: "I really want a dog." She looked at me in horror, then told me to get out of her house. FML

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By vistingherfamily - 25/11/2011 02:09 - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's family. Her mother wants us to stay in separate bedrooms, and I was happy to oblige since I'm staying at their house. But because there isn't an extra room, we have to stay together. Upon entering the house, her mom searched our bags for condoms and birth-control pills. FML

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By Breath of fresh air - 3/8/2020 17:01

Wear your masks

Today, after 3 months of no Coronavirus in my state, two stupid cunts have to failed to self-isolate and restarted the lockdown. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2019 00:01

Today, I hooked up with a guy. He didn't last 30 seconds before finishing, Then his car wouldn't start. I ended up walking home after a hook up that wasn't worth it. FML

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By Ellwood - 22/4/2013 00:27 - United States

Today, my mother met my sister's boyfriend for the first time. As we talked about it later over dinner she said she didn't like him. When I asked why, she paused for a second and said, "Well, he really reminds me of you." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2019 18:00

Noise annoys

Today, my little brother got a violin. FML

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By jemma - 4/8/2009 11:27 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend was reading me a love poem he wrote for me. It was beautiful, and going really well until he read the last line, which had a girl's name in it. It wasn't my name. My boyfriend said "shit, wrong girl", and dug through his bag for a different poem. FML

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By Satver7 - 10/3/2017 22:00

An Inconvenient Thief

Today, after meeting a girl for the first time and having sex with her, I found not only my wallet missing but also the 128 GB pen drive that had my project I've been working on for 6 months on it. I have to give the presentation in 3 days. FML

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By poop - 18/5/2009 17:25 - United States

Today, at work, I decided to try and impress this girl walking behind me by holding the door open for her. As she was walking through, I inadvertently pulled the door too hard. It slammed against the wall and ricochet back, hitting her right in the face. FML

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By HeatherRosure18 - 25/2/2013 23:04 - United States - Glendale Heights

Today, while at the nail salon, my boyfriend called. Since I was getting my nails done, I had to put him on speaker. The whole salon heard him break up with me. I can still hear their snickering in my head. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2019 16:00

Today, I was in a bathroom stall and someone had left their dirty tampon rolled up in toilet paper on the top of the paper dispenser. I felt obligated to dispose of it, so the next person didn't think I left it, because there was a line for the stalls. Fuck you, asshole. FML

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By Nikki - 5/4/2009 03:40 - United States

Today, I was in IKEA, furniture shopping with my dad. He was looking at one couch that was particularly small. I said "dad that couch is for like a midget." I look over to see a midget looking at me, sitting on the same couch in a different color. He definitely heard me. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2010 14:20 - Israel

Today, after months of searching I finally got a job interview. Too bad I didn't have enough money to buy a bus ticket to get there. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2011 01:52 - United States

Today, I was telling my students that it's unnecessary to put arrows on the bottom of the page to tell me there's work on the back, I check it anyway. At the end of the day, at least 6 kids came up to me asking to change their grade because I forgot to grade the back. They hadn't put arrows. FML

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By who_could_it_be - 6/8/2009 13:35 - Canada

Today, while I was walking downtown a homeless person asked me for a dollar. I thought it would be funny to wave the dollar in his face and taunt him. I guess he thought it would be funny to stab me in the leg with a pencil. FML

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By ClaustrophobicNightmares - 28/3/2014 08:42 - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Today, I was stuck in the elevator for almost two hours. Where was the elevator mechanic? Next to me in the elevator. FML

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By ouchmynose - 18/2/2009 02:43 - United States

Today, I kneeled down to tie my shoe and sneezed, nailing my face off of my knee and breaking my nose. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2013 21:18 - United States

Today, I was reading in my apartment. Due to a heatwave and my lack of AC, I was completely naked. My cat jumped onto my lap, and as her claws dug into my stomach, I recoiled. This caused her to retreat, clawing at my nether regions in the process. My pussy mauled my pussy. FML

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By yuck - 15/11/2011 14:38 - United Kingdom

Today, I was cleaning mouse remains from the kitchen floor, left by my cat. I found a small round thing nearby. With no idea what it was, I picked it up and gave it a little squeeze to see if it was solid. It wasn't, and burst with great force onto my face. I'm pretty sure it was an eye. FML

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By peapapeanut - 15/7/2019 20:06

Today, after months of my best friend telling me we were going to be roommates and moving to a new city together, with me trusting her, she ditched me because “everyone” told her not to live with me. She’s still moving, and we’re going to be in the same school and class. FML

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By ukfan - 6/10/2010 16:01 - United States

Today, after bringing my dog back inside, he started whining. I thought it was because he wanted his toys, but he was really trying to say, "Help me," as a torpedo of diarrhea exploded out of him, leaving a trail down the hallway. FML

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By why yes, I do mean "ex-boyfriend" - 17/8/2013 22:40 - Netherlands - Oosterwolde

Today, I got sent home early because a large fire broke out at work. I was greeted by the sight of my cocktard of a "boyfriend" making out on my sofa with another woman. He actually had the audacity and brass balls to claim he thought she was me. FML

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By AnxietyGirl - 24/9/2012 07:18 - United States - Parker

Today, I had to admit that I desperately need anti-anxiety medication. Apparently, when you walk around a grocery store avoiding eye contact and generally acting "sketchy", management will call the police on you, who will then pat you down to be sure you aren't shoplifting. FML

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By Face fucking palm - 23/7/2014 03:36 - United States - Albany

Today, I went to a bookstore to get "The Grapes of Wrath". I have a problem with controlling the volume of my voice, so once at the counter, I accidentally said quite loudly, "WHERE ARE THE ANGRY GRAPES?" FML

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By ineedbetterfriends - 15/6/2013 21:08 - Netherlands - Amersfoort

Today, I told my friend, who's a marriage counsellor, about some of the things my husband does that I hate, like snoring loudly and eating with his mouth open. I wasn't asking for advice, but she just looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Divorce." Bye-bye, faith in humanity. FML

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By Dx - 6/3/2011 07:18 - United States

Today, I was babysitting for my usual. After putting the baby to sleep I put some popcorn in the microwave and went to the bathroom. When I came out the whole kitchen was filled with smoke. One of the neighbors saw and called 911. I'm out of a job. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2016 13:16 - Australia

Today, my extremely lazy colleague received a promotion with benefits, while I was fired for "not being a team-player". I had stayed quiet about her constant negative behaviour because my supervisor said we needed to "have each other's backs". While I was protecting hers, she put a knife in mine. FML

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By :( - 14/6/2011 18:06 - United States

Today, I invited over my best friend, whom I've loved for over a year, since she had to tell me "something important". I got excited and thought she was going to tell me she loved me too. She ended up coming out to me, and wanted to know if I would meet her girlfriend. FML

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By GlueAndCarrots - 29/5/2015 15:05 - Canada - Markham

Today, my girlfriend threatened to break up with me because I crossed the street without holding her hand. FML

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Top comments

By turdoblast | 21

#6088015 - Sunday 12 October 2014 23:26

could've been worse. he could've accidentally headed your butt

By ktm71125 | 19

#6088012 - Sunday 12 October 2014 23:25

Headbutt him back

COMMENTS

By ktm71125 | 19

#6088012 - Sunday 12 October 2014 23:25

Headbutt him back

GuitarFail123 | 9

#6088060 - Monday 13 October 2014 0:04

I should headbutt you for how shitty a comment that was

kinky44 | 28

#6088065 - Monday 13 October 2014 0:11

And i'll headbutt you for your shitty reply.
*waits to be headbutted*

mastamouse | 12

#6088099 - Monday 13 October 2014 1:01

Sounds like he gave some pretty good head

nix1993 | 41

#6088143 - Monday 13 October 2014 3:09

Well sure, what's sexier than a concussion?

Roskosity | 22

#6088195 - Monday 13 October 2014 4:55

@34 percussion.

Ltsdragons | 19

#6088232 - Monday 13 October 2014 5:53

There's an FML in moderation saying "Today, during sex, I head butted my wife, almost knocking her unconscious. FML"

rambleramble3 | 11

#6090412 - Wednesday 15 October 2014 21:27

Why did #44 get down voted?
That was great! :)

By Vagitarian1 | 10

#6088013 - Sunday 12 October 2014 23:25

Sounds intense.

sayyestothedress | 24

#6088466 - Monday 13 October 2014 14:36

Could've been worse, the condom could've broke!

By turdoblast | 21

#6088015 - Sunday 12 October 2014 23:26

could've been worse. he could've accidentally headed your butt

BigLatchZatch | 14

#6088049 - Sunday 12 October 2014 23:48

Thanks for that. >:)

By marleypuckpuck | 22

#6088021 - Sunday 12 October 2014 23:28

wow it was a knockout

By chaosmanfun | 7

#6088023 - Sunday 12 October 2014 23:29

So he likes it rough?

By sarah5745 | 41

#6088026 - Sunday 12 October 2014 23:31

Looks like you guys were in some intense shit!

By boating_guy | 33

#6088029 - Sunday 12 October 2014 23:31

Are we talking the head on his shoulders or his other head

EvilTurtle | 35

#6088115 - Monday 13 October 2014 1:27

Why not both?

hacksaw246 | 24

#6088145 - Monday 13 October 2014 3:11

*que Mexican music

By BBlah | 26

#6088031 - Sunday 12 October 2014 23:33

At least it was an "almost" and not a "completely"...? Either way, just have him make it up to you ;)

By redstone7693 | 29

#6088033 - Sunday 12 October 2014 23:34

sounds like some rough sex

By ilovemsminaj | 13

#6088034 - Sunday 12 October 2014 23:35

Talk about rough sex