Today, my mother asked me how pasta is harvested. She actually thought it grew out of the ground. FML
Today, my mother yelled at me, telling me I'm irresponsible and lecturing me on how I need to "plan ahead like an adult." All because I asked to borrow a tampon. FML
ducksgurl tells us more.
ducksgurl 16
For all of you wondering about the "borrowing" part, no I was not planning on actually giving it back. But asking to borrow something seems much more polite than demanding someone to give you something. On another note, I think this was just my mother's breaking point. We do have a very strained relationship and had actually been arguing all morning. I just thought it was funny that this was the thing she chose to snap on me for. Much love, thanks guys!
Today, I wore a pair of shorts a size too big while doing laundry. When I ordered a pizza afterwards and answered the door, I realized I looked a little heavy, so I sucked in my stomach. My shorts fell to the ground in front of the delivery guy. FML
Today, once again, I explained that yes, I'm Russian. No, I'm not a communist. No, I don't pray to a picture of Putin riding a bear. And no, I don't have any vodka on me. FML
Today, I planned a lunch out with my mom for Mother's Day. She seemed excited about it and "couldn't wait!" She never showed up. FML
Today, I sent a $120 bouquet of flowers for mother's day. When I called tonight see if my Mom got them, she replied that they were still on the doorstep because she "didn't want the dogs to get excited and start barking" when she opened the front door to bring them in. FML
Today, my drunk grandma flashed me, after confusing me, a 19 year-old girl, for my grandpa. FML
Today, my girlfriend came over to meet my parents. Everything was going fine until she said she owned a dog. My mom then immediately attempted to check her scalp for lice. FML
Today, I found out that maggots can live inside of a saxophone. FML
Today, my obsessive-compulsive mother barred me from using the toilet she had just cleaned. She told me to wait until tomorrow. FML
Today, I spent nearly two hours listening to our cleaning lady talking about her son's infected penis, her fear of dentists, how to catch and kill ducks, her husband's childhood and her supposedly murdered dog. She ended up crying and left without cleaning. FML
Today, while out shopping with friends, I was apphrehended by two bounty hunters because they recognized my purple-dyed hair. Too bad my name isn't Natalie, who apparently shares the same hair color. They didn't believe me, even after I showed my ID. FML
StargazeKitsune tells us more.
Hey,ya'll! OP here! Of course I forgot to actually log in before I posted this, and THEN it gets published! But please believe me :) So follow up, these bounty hunters did end up leaving me alone without actually bringing me anywhere (trust me, they would have had some claw marks if they had!) They DID pull out handcuffs, which was pretty scary, seeing as I've never even had so much as a speeding ticket on my record. T_T They asked me multiple times if I was Natalie, and if "I was sure I wasn't" after I showed them the ID that clearly says Mackenzie...I'm pretty sure, guy? Other than the purple hair, they didn't even know what the girl looked like. The only other thing they went off was that she was with a guy wearing a black hat (Thanks, Kyle!) But, at the end of this conversation, they ended up backing away with their hands up after my best friend so eloquently stated she wasn't "afraid to cut a bitch." Their only reply was "I believe you..." I did end up calling the cops to make sure they weren't absolutely full of it. The police planned on making a patrol to the grocery store across town they mentioned their next lead was. And my friends who were working at the time weren't too happy about me getting harassed either! I found out after I posted to Facebook that one of the guys used to work for a friend and that he has gotten in trouble for pulling idiotic stunts before! Guess he shouldn't quit his day job! You guys are all hilarious, btw!! These comments are really making me laugh. My friends say I should go as myself for Halloween next year and when people ask who I am, I'll just say "Shhh, I'm Natalie..." I really was pretty shaken up at the time, but IS a hilarious story in hindsight. Thanks for reading! :)
Today, my mom got mad at me because I wouldn't write to Ellen Degeneres about her. She now won't talk to me. FML
Today, marks the fourth day in a row that I've worn the same outfit to prove to my parents that they pay me no attention. They still haven't noticed. FML
Today, I decided it was time to start looking for my own place and finally gain my full independence. My mom agreed happily without hesitation, which was surprising, but not anywhere near as surprising as finding out I have one day to get my shit together and leave. FML
Today, I got screamed at to the point of tears by a Starbucks employee for "giving an obviously fake name" to confuse one of the employees. I told her my real name. My name is Ian. FML
Today, I noticed my shower drain wasn't draining well. I cleaned it out, thinking it was just a rat's nest of hair. Wrong. It was an actual dead rat. FML
Today, I pulled a piece of dental floss out of my ass. How it got there is one of life's great mysteries. FML
Today, I went to the yearly town carnival with my friends. I hadn't slept well the night before and when I got onto the scariest ride, I somehow fell half asleep. I woke up upside down and ended up peeing myself in terror. FML
Today, I changed my toothbrush because the bristles were wearing down. My brother later asked me why I changed his toothbrush. Apparently we've been sharing the same one for the past several weeks. FML
Today, my mom decided to have a get together at my house while I was at work. When I came home, she pulled me aside and asked me to pretend to be her maid. FML
Today, I clogged the toilet in the one-man bathroom at the corner store, with a line of about 5 people waiting outside. FML
coolster5000 tells us more.
coolster5000 22
OP here, I find all of your "shitty situation" comments very unoriginal;) but funny all the same. I ended up just telling them I went in and found the toilet like that, but I'm not sure they believed me whatsoever.
Today, I failed a major exam. It wasn't because I didn't prepare for it, though. I failed because somebody sneezed during it and I said "bless you." Apparently, that's classed as cheating. FML
blemarooney tells us more.
blemarooney 13
Hi OP here. Thanks for all the supportive comments. I got my mum to go in and complain to my school but they kept insisting that 'rules are rules.' So maybe bless you secretly means the answer is C but I will certainly never bless anybody when they sneeze in the middle of an exam again.
Today, a drunk man started yelling at the lamppost outside my house, demanding to be let inside, all while my neighbors watched. That man is my dad. FML
Today, my dad got over his aversion to tight pants, giving everyone at the DMV a good look at his package in skin-tight blue jeans. FML
Today, I was supposed to light candles at my aunt's wedding. I accidentally lit the groom on fire. FML
Today, I realized that my new haircut makes me look like a movie star. Not Scarlett Johansson, no. I look like Lord Farquaad. FML
henrylikestreats tells us more.
All of these puns have me in tears, I swear. I am currently growing out my hair after cutting it all off to be donated. It has gone through every awkward stage imaginable, including the constantly-in-my-eyes stage, the is-it-long-enough-for-a-ponytail stage, and, of course, the mullet. After a few weeks of dealing with the mullet, I decided to cut it, and that is how I ended up with this mess. I have heard Shrek quotes everywhere I have gone since and I can't stop laughing at myself. Thank you for making my night, everybody.
Today, I kept hearing a child creepily giggling in my living room. I couldn't sleep and got so scared that I started considering hiring an exorcist. Long story short: be careful if you have Bluetooth speakers, because your dickhead neighbor might hack them and start fucking with you. FML
Today, I was sitting in McDonald's. A lady came up to me and started complaining about the bad service, and asked for the manager. I told her that I didn't work there. "But you must, someone that fat has to work here!" FML
Today, I overheard my mom giving my 6-year-old daughter the sex talk. FML