Today, my mom told me that if I wanted to commit suicide, I should make it seem like a car accident, and not do it in the house, because she would be too embarrassed if people thought she was a bad parent. FML
The mouthfeel
Today, I went to a wine tasting for the first time. I copied the experienced people around me by swishing the wine around in my mouth, which I then choked on and spit out all over my white blouse. FML
Today, while with a large group of friends, my best friend started talking about my struggles with dating and intimacy. I quietly asked her to stop talking about it, as it was personal and I wasn't comfortable with everyone else knowing. Her response? "Um, it's really none of your business." FML
guitarki tells us more.
guitarki 11
Hey, OP here. I made an account so that I could comment. When it happened, there was nothing I could say to her to make her stop. I asked her several times to please stop talking about it, and I was so embarrassed, but she wouldn't listen to me. I ended up just getting my stuff together and leaving. I'm not very close to the people in the group, so I felt uncomfortable with being so exposed to them. I talked to her afterwards in private and told her that it was really uncool of her to keep talking about it when I asked her to stop. She claimed that she didn't think it was that big of a deal, since when I told her at the time, I didn't say that it was meant to be a secret. I guess I just never thought to let her know that I didn't want her to blab to everyone about my personal issues. She also made sure to clarify to me that when she said it wasn't any of my business, she meant that it was not my conversation to butt into, even though I was literally right beside her. This incident made me realize that she really isn't a very good friend to me. She has never acted this way until recently, so I never thought to avoid telling her things. I do know that I'll definitely not be confiding in her anymore though.
Today, I found out the name on my driver's license is incorrect. I don't know what's worse: the fact the government can't even copy a goddamn name correctly, or that it took me three months to notice, when a cop nearly arrested me for carrying a "fake" license. FML
Today, while getting ice cream with a friend, her car got broken into. Nothing was taken except my backpack, which contained assignments making up 50% or more for grades in four separate classes. FML
Today, I was staying at my boyfriend's house while he was at work, and put on his pants to make some tea. As I took my hot tea and laptop upstairs, the pants slowly started to fall down. I had to keep climbing with my pants around my knees, and shuffle awkwardly past my boyfriend's father. FML
Bullet4MyChemaMo tells us more.
Hi guys, it's OP! Didn't expect this to get published. 1. I meant trousers, not underwear. In Ireland, pants almost never means underwear. (Ireland is very different to the UK in terms of grammar use, vocabulary etc.) For the record, I was wearing underwear too! 2. I'm very, very close to my boyfriend's family as we've been together for a long time, and it's not unusual for me to chill in his house while he's at work. I feel completely at home there, as I am expected to by his family. When this FML happened, I had been asleep after staying over, and lazily threw on my boyfriend's sweatpants to go downstairs. 3. I was actually trying (and failing) to multitask by holding almost-boiling tea, my laptop, blankets, and a pair of shoes. The positioning of the objects in my arms made it physically impossible for me to set it all on the floor and pick it back up, and BF's dad had already seen everything by the time I would've pulled my pants up. Everyone laughed about it after the initial embarrassment wore off, thankfully we all see the funny side!
Today, teachers were pulling students out of class to announce valedictorian, salutatorian, and other awards for graduation. I got pulled out of class by one of them, and I got a little excited since I wasn't expecting an award. It was to tell me that my sister was staying after school. FML
midnightxshadow_fml tells us more.
For those of you thinking my grades must be awful, I have straight As and am a top student in my class. There are a few people I know above me, which is why I didn't expect to get an award. A girl can hope, right? When I got home, my boyfriend made me my own award so I couldn't be happier.
Today, I was home alone and tried to make some popcorn so I could watch a movie. Thirty minutes later, my parents came home and found me talking to the firemen. FML
Today, I asked my classmate to look over my essay. His comments were longer than the essay itself. FML
Today, I learned that before you tell a blonde joke, you should make sure that your high school's 6'8", 275-pound, blond quarterback isn't standing behind you. FML
Owww1 tells us more.
Owww1 5
Why did the mirror have holes in it? A moron kept trying to shoot himself.
Today, my prom dress came in the mail. I don't know what happened with the tailoring but not only does it not fit, but it also looks like deli meat. FML
Today, my exchange student asked me for a ride to a party at a friend's house that I didn't know about. When I said, "Oh, just let me change", she replied, "I just need the ride, you're not invited." FML
Today, I was so sleep-deprived, I thought a white car driving toward me was a polar bear. I screamed like a little girl and started panicking. I live in California. FML
Star witness
Today, I found out my best friend's girlfriend is cheating on him with his own brother. I went over to his place and told him everything while his girlfriend was in the same room. He called me a jealous liar who wanted to break them up, and kicked me out while she looked on, smirking. FML
Today, I found out that the only reason my parents have been letting me hang out with my friends so late is so they can search my room for drugs. FML
Today, a friendly game of Cards Against Humanity somehow ended in a screaming match, my best friend's mother pulling out her tits, and me getting bit in the foot by a dog. FML
ThatSlappinBass tells us more.
Hey guys, OP here! Yes, it did start off as a friendly game- we all have a really sick sense of humor, so the worse the cards got, the more we laughed. Right around the last two hands, my best friend's mother started screaming at her husband for "cheating" and then everyone got involved on both sides, and then **** were pulled out, and the phrase, "Suck these nipples!" was shouted. The dog is just a brat, but it added to the chaos. We all laughed after, but that's an image you never forget.
Today, I got banned from my favourite online video game for calling a person on my team a "Baked Potato". FML
NoCnNoJustice tells us more.
You'd be right! I'll try and condense the story for you. So basically, I was playing Counter-Strike: Global Offensive (the game mentioned in my post) and my team was messing about and killing each other. In my frustration, I called the one who was the most annoying on my team a baked potato. It seems that he too must have been frustrated, because the next thing I know, he's called a vote to kick me from my team. Since I'm at the top of the leaderboard and I'm carrying my team (despite losing by a huge margin), I think to myself "Well, it's not like they're going to vote 'Yes', they need me on this team if we're ever going to win!" But, to my surprise, they all accepted the vote and I was kicked, consequently resulting in a 7 day ban from Competitive Matchmaking. Well, that's it! I hope this backstory behind it was sufficient.
Today, while cleaning my desk I found a stray gumball. I quickly popped it into my mouth only to discover with horror that it was a paintball. FML
Today, I tripped while rushing to my classes. In a desperate attempt to regain my balance, I grabbed the nearest thing to me. A fire alarm. FML
Today, my dad tricked the local biker gang into believing he's actually part of the Russian mob. FML
caseyl tells us more.
caseyl 18
Op here. My dad has a car repair shop and the biker gang rented the property next door. So he decided the smartest move would be to intimidate them to make sure they won't cause trouble. Which, I'm pretty sure, is going to cause a shitload of trouble...
Today, I received the beautiful dress I'd ordered on the internet. It's a size smaller than my usual, just to encourage me to lose weight. I managed to fit into it and wear it all day, but I've now been struggling for a couple of hours to remove it without tearing it to bits. FML
Today, I got a massage. Just as I was starting to relax, the massage therapist drooled on my face. FML
Today, I had to explain to my rabidly religious brother how two transvestites can buy fish at Petco while he's buying the same fish at the same Petco, and it doesn't equate to hitting on him. It's been two hours, and he's still sitting outside my door reading Bible verses and praying aggressively. FML
Today, I found out that my family and friends all laugh and compare me to Spongebob behind my back. Why? Because I'm 37 and still can't pass my driver's test. FML
Today, I bought a garden gnome to spice up my lawn. Tonight, someone threw it right through my living room window. Not only will the repairs cost a ton, my neighbor keeps saying stupid shit to me, like "You must be shattered" and "Looks like you ain't got a window gnome... more." FML
Today, I went to class to take an important final for which I studied all week long and worked hard in class. Today, the teacher also told us that anyone who had an A did not have to take the final. I missed out on a trip to the Bahamas for this. FML
callalilley tells us more.
callalilley 18
Hey guys! OP here! It stunk not going on vacation. From the beginning, we ALL thought we had to take the final. In the syllabus it said it was worth 30% of our grade. He's a new professor and this is a psychology class. I guess some type of experiment??? I was so mad, but I still have a 3.8 GPA to prove for it!!!
Today, I got a bikini as a birthday present. I pulled the bikini bottom out of the box first, only to find a pubic hair stuck to the hygienic liner. FML
Today, I overheard a large group of my friends and acquaintances making spontaneous plans to go see a movie that afternoon. I was the only person not invited. Normally I would have believed their excuse that they thought I was "sick at home", except I was sitting a few feet away the entire time. FML
ifeelsoloved tells us more.
I didn't have enough room to tell the full story, but yeah... I'm pretty shy :/ I can talk to strangers and people fine and introduce myself to people, and I like to think I'm a nice person to be around, but I hate "inconvieniencing people" so I was scared to go over and ask if I could come too cause I thought my presence would make things awkward and ruin it for everyone... yeah. My parents got mad at me too when I told them, but I'm just really socially awkward so that happens a lot. Also, they're just a really close group of friends with all the same classes, etc and I'm just sort of that weird outlier lol. Most of the people in the group were acquiantances who I talked to occasionally but weren't very close to, though there were a couple of friends I was closer with a couple years ago when neither of us really had friends then I am now. And honestly, those "friends" definitely use me and take more than they give; they come to me for a shoulder to cry on and a secret-keeper to rant to but don't really talk to me otherwise... I'm the last resort :( I definitely recognize that they aren't he healthiest relationships, and I would disassociate myself from them altogether, but I honestly don't have anyone else ;-; Better to have half-friends than no one, reputation wise... Plus, I'm transferring to a new school this year so yay for fresh starts! I'm just staying optimistic that I'll find some... more faithful friends I guess. Thank you to the people who posted nice messages, I honestly needed that :)