Today, I found out that maggots can live inside of a saxophone....

By McWhopper - United States - Brookline

Today, I found out that maggots can live inside of a saxophone. FML

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Miscellaneous

Family values

Don't shoot the messenger

Where are you?

By Anonymous - United States - Wilmington

Today, we got a new Roomba. I set it to clean and came back an hour later to find shit smears all over the floor. Apparently, one of my cats had done his business in the kitchen, and the Roomba had dragged it around the entire first floor of my house. FML

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By jack the ripped - United States

Today, while examining my busted nose in the mirror, I had a sneeze attack. Now it looks like someone got their throat slashed in my bathroom. FML

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By nightput - France

Today, I took my driving test. I spent 30 minutes with the handbrake on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I thought I had carbon monoxide poisoning because I had the symptoms and my detector was going off. I called the fire dept, they checked me, they checked my apartment. My apartment is fine; I'm just out of shape, have high blood pressure, and don't know how to work simple electronics. FML

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By butterball - Israel - Palmahim

Today, a male co-worker asked me in what shape I shave my pubic hair. Jokingly, I replied that I have a very nicely trimmed dodecahedron. Now he's telling everyone at work that I have a venereal disease. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lititz

Today, after months of job searching, I finally got a call about one of my applications. I wasn't able to answer it, but he left a voicemail. I've listened to it over and over, and I can't understand the contact information. He called from a restricted number. FML

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By malebonding - United States

Today, I slept in late and when I woke up, thought I was the only one in the house so I decided to walk around the corner to the only upstairs bathroom naked. My dad also slept in, also thought he was the only one in the house, and also decided to walk to the bathroom naked. We collided. FML

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By mrWrong - United States

Today, my rescue squad unit responded to a 911 call from a woman who felt she was going to pass out. We knocked on her locked door a couple times with no answer. Fearing she might be unconscious, I kicked in the door. She was about to open it and only passed out from the concussion I gave her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss in my police dept. told me to start enforcing the "no bikes on sidewalks" law which we usually ignore. I pulled up behind the first person I saw riding a bike on a sidewalk and flashed my lights. It turned out to be a boy with down syndrome who was so upset he cried and peed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pomona

Today, my mom took me to a bar to cheer me up after being dumped. Two cute guys around my age kept looking over at us the whole night. When I told my mom, she said she was going to get them to come talk to me. Instead, she ended up leaving with both of them. FML

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By TotallyFkd - United States

Today, I moved back home because I got laid off and could no longer afford my apartment. I decided to take a nap and when I woke up I overheard my Mom telling my Aunt that she used to be so proud of me and wonders when I became such a loser. Burn. FML

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By cauteriseme - United Kingdom

Today, as the clock struck twelve for the new year, I was in the bathroom having a nosebleed. FML

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By justfriends - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. It's okay, though; she says we can still go on the vacation I planned next month for our 3 year anniversary, just "as friends." The tickets are non-refundable. FML

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By claudio117 - Canada - Coquitlam

Today, during an Easter egg hunt, I found divorce papers. FML

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By Sam - United States

Today, I toured an art museum. Our tour guide had an obvious lisp, so I tried my best not to laugh. When she asked me a question about a sculpture, I accidentally responded "Yeth ma'am". She ended the tour right there. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went out to eat at a restaurant. When the waitress saw me, she continously told me how beautiful and kind I was. Flattered, I just said thank you. Five minutes later, one of the ugliest girls I've ever seen in my life walked in. The waitress told her the same exact things she told me. FML

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By Loverscry - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I forgot my library book on a bench then I got on a bus, so I got off at the next stop and walked back to get it. I arrived just in time to see some guy pick it up and hop on another bus. So now I'm not on the bus I needed, and I have to pay for the book. FML

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By Alycat

Today, as it's my birthday, I was hoping for a nice present from my boyfriend. What did he get me? A PornHub account. FML

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By AsshatUncle - United States - Tampa

Today, I bought lunch for my grandparents, aunts, and uncles. My uncle apparently felt uncomfortable at the restaurant, because he got up and flipped the table over before leaving. The bill tripled because of the broken glass, and my uncle called me up later for a ride. FML

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By anonymous - Korea Republic of

Today, I asked my mom if I could join my friends in getting lessons in self defense. My mom told me that I didn't need them because my face was a better weapon to repel anyone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally got the courage to talk to a guy I secretly like. I was so nervous that instead of saying, "Hi, I'm Veronica," I said, "Veronica, I'm high." FML

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By Michelle - United States

Today, my parents heard me leaving my room at 2 am, and freaked out because they thought I was sneaking out. I was too embarrassed to tell them that I was getting food instead of having a social life. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to my cell phone alarm buzzing. It wasn't time to wake up yet, so I snoozed it. It buzzed again, this time with "One New Voicemail." I had "snoozed" my nephew. Stationed in Iraq. FML

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By Rejected - Australia

Today, my six year old son came up to me with his arms spread and said, "I feel like a hug." I got really excited and hopeful because he is very anti-social and hates physical contact. As soon as I stood up to hug him he said "Feeling's gone" and walked away. FML

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By RckRagman - United States

Today, 3 of the 4 stalls were occupied in the rest room. I took the 4th stall. Upon sitting, I let out one of the longest, loudest farts I have done in a long time. Next, I hear "Hey, how's it going?". I was CORRECTLY identified by a co-worker hearing me fart. FML

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By pickle

Ouch!

Today, I applied mascara directly onto my eyeball. FML

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By dane - United States

Today, I bought a used car from a friend of mine. After getting the car home and further inspecting it, I found one of my wife's earrings in the backseat. FML

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By anon - Australia

Today, I watched "Time of the Doctor" and I'm pretty sure my love of Doctor Who slithered out through my ear and shamefully lodged itself in the darkest corner of the room, crying. FML

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By eakthegeek - United States

Today, I was sexing it up with my boyfriend. Halfway through, he looked at me and said, "Y'know what you never see in a porno? Intellectual conversation. Read any good books lately?" He wouldn't keep going until I answered. FML

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By fun_gal - 25/3/2020 17:00

Odd one out

Today, my family said that we're all in this together, so I headed over to their house before the stay-at-home orders go into effect. When I arrived, my brother came out to stop me in the driveway to say they were practicing social distancing. From me. FML

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By thatsucks - United States - Seattle

Today, I learned that my housemate used a dry vacuum to unclog the toilet before moving out and then didn't change the vacuum bag. He left several weeks ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a movie and a dinner with a girl. During dinner, she excused herself to go to the bathroom, so I checked my social media feeds while waiting for her to return. She'd posted on her twitter "Worst. Ever." I thought it was going well. FML

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By pillowless - United States

Today, I came home to find that my house had been broken into. The items stolen were my PS3, cell phone, laptop, tablets, and for some reason my deodorant and pillowcases as well. FML

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By Dumbfuck - United States

Today, I found out that being rhythmically challenged really really sucks. I was trying to dance around sexily for my girlfriend, and I was doing that one move where you thrust your pelvis forward, and swing you hand from side to side. I hit myself in the nuts. FML

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By thanks gramps - Canada - Whitehorse

Today, I posted a video of a dance I choreographed on Facebook. I got a notification a few hours later telling me that my grandpa had also shared it. His caption? "My granddaughter dances like a gay baboon and this dance sucks balls. Throw grapes at her." Thanks grandpa. FML

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By Ally - United States

Today, I came home to my front door open and a homeless man taking a 'bath' in my sink. If this wasn't bad enough, he refused to leave because 'finders keepers!' FML

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By Eskyew - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking on the phone, and things got a little heated. We were in the middle of some kinky dialog, complete with hand action when he suddenly goes silent. While waiting for a response, I heard typing on the other end. He was checking his email. FML

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By Anonymous - Ukraine

Today, I took my 9-year-old sister to an ice cream shop. There we met a boy about her age, who started a conversation with her, told her she was pretty and they ended up exchanging numbers. I'm 24 and so far I've never succeeded at getting a girl's number like this. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend if I've gained weight. He replied, "Why do you think I've been so often on top lately?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was yelled at by a customer because we didn't have any ketchup packets. I work in a coffee shop. FML

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Top comments

By jesterinperil | 28

#6286086 - Saturday 9 May 2015 14:11

Rule number one: NEVER leave your reed on your mouthpiece.

By Broadway_Vayne | 32

#6286087 - Saturday 9 May 2015 14:11

That's sickening. I just hope you didn't get any of them in your mouth.

COMMENTS

By feven | 32

#6286080 - Saturday 9 May 2015 14:09

That's disgusting

VoldooPed | 20

#6286120 - Saturday 9 May 2015 14:29

No, is it?

theTravinator | 21

#6286325 - Saturday 9 May 2015 20:01

That's what I call dirty sax

Soninuva | 41

#6286371 - Saturday 9 May 2015 20:28

Always practice safe sax.

By jesterinperil | 28

#6286086 - Saturday 9 May 2015 14:11

Rule number one: NEVER leave your reed on your mouthpiece.

By Broadway_Vayne | 32

#6286087 - Saturday 9 May 2015 14:11

That's sickening. I just hope you didn't get any of them in your mouth.

MrConcise | 34

#6286158 - Saturday 9 May 2015 15:22

Yum, protein!

Patriots21 | 14

#6286176 - Saturday 9 May 2015 15:49

I hear the skin flute provides a nice amount of protein as well.

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6286469 - Saturday 9 May 2015 22:36

Doesn't stay down well, though, 29.

By skippydoda | 32

#6286088 - Saturday 9 May 2015 14:11

How often do you clean your sax? YDI for not cleaning your stuff more regularly.

By FusionPlacebo | 26

#6286091 - Saturday 9 May 2015 14:11

Is your saxophone really that dirty?

By _Peppermint_ | 34

#6286093 - Saturday 9 May 2015 14:12

Did you swallow any? :/

Kitty_Kat44 | 31

#6286148 - Saturday 9 May 2015 15:09

Just thinking of this makes me sick.

By McPerrier | 19

#6286094 - Saturday 9 May 2015 14:13

You know you're supposed to clean your sax and change the reed regularly...

By fml_user_314 | 6

#6286100 - Saturday 9 May 2015 14:16

KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!

By stingray112 | 24

#6286101 - Saturday 9 May 2015 14:16

I am so sorry my friend.

By A07 | 48

#6286103 - Saturday 9 May 2015 14:16

Well that sax OP!

No? ok.