Miscellaneous: Today, my girlfriend came over to meet my parents. Everything...

By sarahmaxine - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my girlfriend came over to meet my parents. Everything was going fine until she said she owned a dog. My mom then immediately attempted to check her scalp for lice. FML

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Miscellaneous

Dementia or hate? You decide

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Narcissist

By Anonymous - Japan

Today, I was in a store using the only bathroom there. After I was done, I realized I couldn't open the door. Panicked it locked me in, I banged on the door, and screamed for help. The security and a whole group of people gathered, only to find that I was pulling the door instead of pushing it. FML

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By forever alone - United Kingdom

Today, I was feeling down about being the only single person out of a group of eight friends. Out of desperation, I made up "Jonny", a hot fitness instructor whom I recently hooked up with. Now "Jonny" and I have been invited to a friends' night out. FML

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By Garry the Gluten-Free Pizza - United States

Today, I was carjacked. As he shoved me away from my car, I got hit by another car. He and the other car both drove off. FML

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By thnxbabe

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our six-month anniversary. And by that, I mean he brought along his obnoxious best friend, and I paid for everyone's dinner at an expensive restaurant. FML

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By 20month dry spell

Today, my girlfriend thinks I'm sex-obsessed because of the number of times I've asked for it. I've asked exactly 3 times this year, one of which was on my birthday. She said no all 3 times. I'm usually too scared of her temper to even try. FML

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By dank meme - United States - Chicago

Today, I learned that my neighbor of 9 years has a kid. I learned this after I knocked down his snowman. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was installing wireless surveillance cameras outside my workplace. Before mounting them, I pointed them around the building to make sure there was a good signal and picture. I got inside to the monitor just in time to see a kid steal one of the cameras. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, I woke up to a disappointed boyfriend. He told me he spent an hour last night farting on my pillow to see if I would wake up with pink-eye. He's 23 years old. FML

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By lehonX9 - Germany - Hanover

Today, my mom found my weed stash and went berserk, grounding me and saying she's going to have my bedroom door removed. Less than an hour later, I found her laughing and smoking the same stash with my dad in the backyard. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I made the decision to quit smoking while I was driving in my car. So I took my pack, crushed it and threw it out the window. I felt triumphant about this change I was making in my life, until the cop I didn't know was behind me gave me a ticket for littering. FML

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By Cakeman - United States

Today, I was at a barbecue. I picked up a piece of cake and began complaining to the man next to me about how horrible it tasted. "It tastes like a s***!" I said. His wife baked it. FML

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By Thatkid - Singapore

Today, my friend had a Coke can on his desk in class. It was empty but I was thirsty so I picked it up thinking I could try to get that little bit of Coke always left at the bottom. When I took a sip I found out he had been picking his fingernails and putting them in the can. FML

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18665

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By Anonymous - United States

The straights are at it again

Today, I went on a Grindr date with a really cute guy. I thought things went really well. When he dropped me off at home, he told me not to text him anymore because his wife might get mad. FML

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1878

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By Sean - Canada - Toronto

Today, as I was crossing a street, a car hit me and broke two of my ribs. The driver was too busy paying attention to his girlfriend who was giving him a blowjob from the passenger seat. I could see the look of ecstasy on his face as he rammed into me and drove off without noticing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, at college, I walked in on some kid jerking off in front of the bathroom sink. This place never ceases to amaze and disgust me. FML

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By Bee - Canada

Today, I was mistaken for a prostitute. Twice. While in my work uniform. FML

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By iPhonekid - United States - San Antonio

Today, I texted my friend and asked her what her sad status on Facebook was about. She texted me back saying her step-mother had passed away. I tried to reply with "awwh" but my phone autocorrected it to "ahaha." FML

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35370

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By mel - United States - Smithville

Today, the guy I buy weed from invited me to have Easter dinner with his family, since I've nowhere else to go. FML

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By ThatsNotRight - United States

Today, while I was babysitting my nephews, the 7 year old boy walked up to me and asked if I was a lesbian. I laughed it off. An argument ensued about my sexuality for a good two hours. I lost. FML

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By hockeymango57

J'accuse...!

Today, one of my friends blew a giant vape cloud and the principal saw and called us into his office. We blamed each other, so the principal checked both of our backpacks. Apparently, my friend snuck his pen into my bag somehow. I don't even vape. FML

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By UnluckyReporter - United States - Lexington

Today, I lost control of my car on a patch of ice and slid off the road, messing up my car. I was working on a news story about bad road conditions. FML

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19173

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By Gabrielguitar - United States

Thanks, I guess…

Today, it was my birthday and everyone in the office chipped in to buy me a card, and nothing but a card. It had a pre-written message on it and a space to write "Love, *insert name*" where everyone signed their names. The "Love" was crossed out and replaced with "From". FML

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By woodchuck0022 - Canada

Today, my pants felt a little looser than usual. Thinking I'd lost weight, I proudly went about my day. It wasn't until much later that I realised I hadn't lost any weight at all; my fly was down. FML

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13401

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By poop - United States

Today, I woke up at my grandparents house since my mom was out of town, still half asleep i went to brush my teeth. Mid brush my mouth started getting numb I looked again at the tooth paste I used..turns out it was my grandpa's anti-itch anal cream. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, my sister and I were watching the Olympics. Michael Phelps was on the screen, and I was thinking how hot he is. My sister commented on how he looks so much like our brother. I can never look at either of them the same way ever again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my neighbor called the cops on me, all because he heard me speaking Arabic. I was on the phone with my grandmother in Egypt. FML

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By riappp - United States

Today, I farted in my cubicle thinking no one would smell it. Two seconds later, everyone came to my cubicle to wish me a happy birthday. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to take my husband to the hospital because he thought it would be funny to Superglue googly eyes to his dick. FML

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1960

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By didi - France

Today, at the supermarket everybody was staring at me. After ten minutes, I realized that my umbrella was still open. FML

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By BikerGuy - Canada - Alhambra

Today, the girl who likes me incredibly much asked me if she could come for a ride with me on my motorcycle. Normally this isn't a problem as I take lots of people out for rides for fun, but this time I had no choice but to tell her she couldn't because she's just too heavy for it. FML

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21754

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By blovesg - United States

Today, I was at the mall shoplifting when a girl who looked my age pointed to a shirt I had in my bag. "Stole that, huh?" she asked smiling. She looked pretty cool, so I nodded and asked if she stole the jeans she was wearing, which were from the store. Turns out she didn't, she's the manager. FML

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41264

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By notfromanisland

Today, through a mutual friend I met with a girl from Netherlands for dinner. At some point, she told me I have an Antillean accent, referring to the Dutch Antilles. I was born and raised nowhere near those islands, but my former boyfriend of 5 years is Antillean. Now I have his accent. FML

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By sistermonster - France - Salon-de-provence

Today, my boss fired me. I can't really explain the slap I gave him for it, though. FML

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By jigglepuff - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I heard my sister talking to my mom about me, saying that I have the ability to suck the life out of a room like a Dementor. I walked in and asked what she meant by that. My mom replied, "She means you're an asshole." I love you too, mom. FML

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38643

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By badbirthday - Canada

Today, is my 16th birthday. Thinking that my parents would be out of town for it like they had every other year, I decided it would be fun to tan nude in my backyard. Apparantly my parents set up a surprise party for my sweet 16. I was standing naked infront of half my school. FML

I agree, your life sucks

127128

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By Oh-Shit! - United States

Today, while at a private lake, my colon declared a state of evacuation. I ventured as far from my family as my sphincter would allow, only to make eye contact with two very horrified kayakers mid-explosion. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47082

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By Noname - United States

Today, one of my closest friends and I got into a fight. She ends the conversation with "My grandma just had a stroke. Bye." I didn't believe her so I replied "Thats great. Bye." Turns out her Grandma is in the hospital in critical condition. FML

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10606

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By Anonymous - United States - New Orleans

Today, I got lost, and eventually noticed that I'd passed by the same house a few times. Apparently somebody who lives on that street noticed as well, because the next time I passed by, the police were waiting for me. FML

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By guessimdead - United States

Today, I went to my new job at a pre-school. I was really excited because everything was going so well, and a little boy even said he was drawing a picture of me. He even gave it to me when he was finished. Well it was me, but I was also on fire and being stabbed and shot multiple times. FML

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By FrOsTy25

Today, I ran a red light in front of a cop and got pulled over. My friend thought it would be funny to throw a knife in my lap and scream "Help me officer, he has a knife!" FML

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Top comments

By sammiking | 13

#6286472 - Saturday 9 May 2015 22:48

Your mom is a little crazy

By TweetAnne | 13

#6286486 - Saturday 9 May 2015 22:53

Could of sworn dogs got fleas and not lice.

COMMENTS

By sammiking | 13

#6286472 - Saturday 9 May 2015 22:48

Your mom is a little crazy

CBOokami | 13

#6286686 - Sunday 10 May 2015 4:09

Or misinformed

Kazze | 31

#6286690 - Sunday 10 May 2015 4:17

35: Nah, just crazy.

sonasonic | 34

#6286998 - Sunday 10 May 2015 10:16

"Little" dosen't cover the insanity here.

By meatloaf11 | 23

#6286473 - Saturday 9 May 2015 22:49

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

feven | 32

#6286488 - Saturday 9 May 2015 22:53

Humans can't even get lice from dogs so what she did was just plain stupid

By Rstein14 | 14

#6286475 - Saturday 9 May 2015 22:50

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Lexipants | 21

#6286545 - Sunday 10 May 2015 0:03

Lice don't like a dirty environment, so...

By Markovski | 18

#6286479 - Saturday 9 May 2015 22:51

You should talk to your mom about it and tell her how you feel about what she did.

By dakatabg | 31

#6286481 - Saturday 9 May 2015 22:52

Family rules

By jmigs17 | 19

#6286482 - Saturday 9 May 2015 22:52

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

myanichole | 22

#6286533 - Saturday 9 May 2015 23:49

... Just because she's not a dog person doesn't mean she's a cat person.

By seninaa | 27

#6286483 - Saturday 9 May 2015 22:52

that sound very considerate

By erin55378 | 17

#6286484 - Saturday 9 May 2015 22:52

Wait so that's not a normal thing to do...? Whoops.

By TweetAnne | 13

#6286486 - Saturday 9 May 2015 22:53

Could of sworn dogs got fleas and not lice.

feven | 32

#6286500 - Saturday 9 May 2015 23:00

No, they can get either. It's just not transferable to humans

siggy_mcsigx | 22

#6286541 - Sunday 10 May 2015 0:01

Could've*

Xamry14 | 10

#6286646 - Sunday 10 May 2015 2:36

No, head lice can only live on humans.

Calingaladha | 21

#6287434 - Sunday 10 May 2015 21:01

They can get lice (most animals can), but lice are very species-specific, so dog lice will not live on humans, and vice-versa.

By SadSouthernBell | 18

#6286489 - Saturday 9 May 2015 22:53

I take it she hasn't had much experience with dogs.