Today, my girlfriend came over to meet my parents. Everything...

By sarahmaxine - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my girlfriend came over to meet my parents. Everything was going fine until she said she owned a dog. My mom then immediately attempted to check her scalp for lice. FML

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Miscellaneous

Fake News

Not now, mom, I'm in pain

Laundry drama

By evilwater - United States

Today, I was at a fancy restaurant when I knocked my glass of ice water over. In my attempt to clean it up with a napkin, I knocked a freshly filled cup of coffee all over myself. FML

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By ZombieGirl0417 - United States - Jupiter

Today, my aunt asked to see my new airsoft pistol. Not thinking anything of it, I handed it to her. She shot me in the leg. I was standing next to her. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my cat vomited violently. I can smell it but I can't find it. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found out that I'm going to be a mother. This was a mystery, since I take birth control and use condoms all the time. Or, at least, it was, until my mother admitted to swapping my pills and poking holes in my condoms so she could have a grandchild before she died. FML

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By donttouchmyhair - Romania - Bucharest

Today, a crazy woman grabbed my hair and mentioned how lovely it was. She then asked when I would donate it. I told her I didn't want to, at which point she started yelling that she was going to get some scissors and cut it all off to teach me a lesson. FML

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By pussystroker - United Kingdom

Today, a cat came up to me on the pavement so I petted it a little. An elderly man rode past on his bicycle and shouted "I'd like to stroke your pussy too!" FML

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By nothing like tasty asshole - United States - Shelbyville

Just ignore it!

Today, trying to be nice, I sent a text to my mother-in-law saying that I couldn't wait to have her delicious casserole tonight. Only after sending, I realized that "casserole" had auto corrected to "asshole". FML

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By PicturePerfect - Canada

Today, I was walking when a man pointed a camera at me. I got bitchy about it, and said "Did I say you could take a picture?" He replied with, "No, but can you get the fuck out of the way so I can take one of my wife and kids?" I turned around, and they were right behind me. FML

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By We're still popping them - United States - Fremont

Today, the neighbors called the cops because they heard "gun shots". My girlfriend and I were popping bubble wrap. FML

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By rhplb - Philippines - Quezon City

Today, I arrived to work at exactly 8 so I could leave at exactly 5, without overtime. I found out later that my brother took my keys with him somewhere and now I can't enter the house until he gets back at 11. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was about to get in the shower, when I felt an odd itch in my navel. I saw what I thought was bellybutton lint, so I pulled on it, and quickly realized what I had between my fingers was a still-squirming, headless tick. FML

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By Bliss - United States

Today, I gave my drink to a girl who I got with previously and started to dance with her. She backed off after a few seconds, took my drink and danced with my friend who was standing right next to me. FML

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By creepedouthostess - United States

Today, while working in a restaurant, I took an elderly man to his table under a red colored lamp. He asked me if this was "the red light district." I thought he was just kidding until when I was placing down the menus he leaned in and whispered creepily in my ear, "You know, you're really sexy." FML

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By onlychild - United States

Today, my sister is working on her graduation speech. She gives her thanks to one friend for helping support her through school, like, "The sister I never had". FML

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By Anonymous - Trinidad and Tobago - Port-of-spain

Today, my boyfriend posted a screenshot from a porno on my Facebook, because the girl in it looked freakishly similar to me. My dad commented, asking for a link to the video. FML

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By sleekRelease

Today, I was expecting an important delivery for a party I'm having tonight. I was in the shower when the doorbell rang. In my haste, I slipped and ended up with a bunch of little cuts and bruises. Turns out, it was someone trying to leave a note saying it would be delivered tomorrow. FML

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By thenewgirl - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my boyfriend and I were wondering whose extra spare key was on the counter when we came home. Turns out it's his ex's and she returned it, while neither of us were home. We're still taking inventory to see what's missing. FML

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By Cheated - Canada

Today, my wife of 2 years told me she was pregnant, after we've been trying for ages. Excited, about to call my parents, my wife then told me, "Don't get your hopes up it might not be yours, the father could be 5 other guys." And then asked me what I'd like for dinner. FML

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By bennyp77 - United States

Today, I was at a tennis match and it was really hot. I took off my shirt to cool down. A member of the staff then tapped me on the shoulder and told me that my "bare breasts might offend someone." I'm a man. FML

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By iscreamforicecream - United States

Today, while I was sleeping, my girlfriend took my phone and set the ringtone to a bloodcurdling scream. I found this out when I received a call while driving to work and, thinking someone was being murdered in my backseat, I panicked and swerved into a parked car. FML

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By OhhhNooo - United States

Today, my Dad told me that I was named after the dog he accidentally shot in the head as a teenager. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2020 09:01

Walked into that one

Today, I stopped by McDonald's with my brother. I asked him what he wanted and I repeated his order. The lady said, "We don't have that here." I stupidly answered, "That's weird. We have it where I come from," and she replied, "Where did you come from honey, 1995?" FML

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By "leahkasscar"

Today, I'm stuck in a car with my sister who is currently having a screaming match with her boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, during my shift as a vet nurse, I picked up a gorgeous cat for cuddles, only to discover it was covered with pee. And now I am too. I still have 4 hours of my shift. FML

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By so scared - Canada - Barrie

Today, my mother thought it would be funny to sneak into my room at night and scream like a demon after I had explained to her how scared I was of the exorcist movie I had just seen. She claims it wasn't her. FML

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By todayJman03 - United States

Today, I gave my wife her anniversary card. She started to giggle then walked in our bedroom and came back with the exact same card from last year. This is the second time I've done this. FML

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By Emil - United States

Today, I was caught stealing a video game. I realized after my parents were called that the case was actually empty. FML

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By NoFunForMe - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I saw my ex for the first time since we broke up. We were on a train next to each other for 6 hours, to a festival where our tents were pitched next to each other. We're here for 5 days. FML

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By DanceOnTheEdge - United States

Today, I was riding in the car with my boyfriend. While he was driving, I held out my hand as an offer for him to hold it. Instead, he grabs me by the wrist and shoves my hand down his pants. Lovely. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after months of trying, my wife of seven years told me she is finally pregnant. I'm going to be an uncle. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my parents changed the code on our alarm system while they were out of town. The police could not verify I was their son, despite spending hours trying to get hold of them. They thought it was just another telemarketer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me to marry him by handing me a ring and telling me, "Okay we're engaged now." I should have seen it coming when we started dating, I went to his house one night and as I was leaving he said, "Okay you're my girlfriend now." FML

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By bw9669 - Canada

Today, I had to cancel all of the plans to go away on a romantic weekend with my boyfriend. My parents are going out of town for a night and I have to stay home a babysit my little sister. She's 19. FML

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By some_girl_19 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. I was in the middle of an intense orgasm when we heard the panicky voice of his little sister saying there was an emergency downstairs. He jumped up and left to see what the matter was. The big emergency? The Wii remotes had dead batteries. FML

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By Steve - United States

Today, I put aftershave on my fingers to encourage myself to stop biting my nails. I absentmindedly rubbed my eye a few minutes later. It burnt like hell. FML

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By ZittyMii - United States

Today, a friend of mine had a Wii party and made everyone into Miis. My Mii had freckles. I don't have freckles. When I commented on it, she said, "Well, there isn't a zit feature." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend was throwing a birthday party and got very drunk. She needed help getting to the bathroom so I picked her up and walked her to the toilet. Assuming she needed to throw up, she instead takes a huge, monstrous crap right in front of me. I can't look at her the same ever again. FML

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By need sleep - United States - Severna Park

Today, it's been three days since I started working 12-hour night shifts. My neighbors have now decided to renovate their house. They're focusing on the rooms sharing my wall. FML

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By Jesse - United States - Bothell

Today, I had to get a prostate exam. Right before the doctor started, he told me that if I found it awkward at all, I should just imagine I was being probed by aliens. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2020 16:56

Family matters

Today, I was told by step-dad, who I live with, that my mom "hates my guts" while smiling so big, because he got a call from her. He's so desperate for her to come back that all the lying, cheating, manipulation, and emotional abuse doesn't push him away. She's a tornado. FML

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Top comments

By sammiking | 13

#6286472 - Saturday 9 May 2015 22:48

Your mom is a little crazy

By TweetAnne | 13

#6286486 - Saturday 9 May 2015 22:53

Could of sworn dogs got fleas and not lice.

COMMENTS

By sammiking | 13

#6286472 - Saturday 9 May 2015 22:48

Your mom is a little crazy

CBOokami | 13

#6286686 - Sunday 10 May 2015 4:09

Or misinformed

Kazze | 31

#6286690 - Sunday 10 May 2015 4:17

35: Nah, just crazy.

sonasonic | 34

#6286998 - Sunday 10 May 2015 10:16

"Little" dosen't cover the insanity here.

By meatloaf11 | 23

#6286473 - Saturday 9 May 2015 22:49

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

feven | 32

#6286488 - Saturday 9 May 2015 22:53

Humans can't even get lice from dogs so what she did was just plain stupid

By Rstein14 | 14

#6286475 - Saturday 9 May 2015 22:50

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Lexipants | 21

#6286545 - Sunday 10 May 2015 0:03

Lice don't like a dirty environment, so...

By Markovski | 18

#6286479 - Saturday 9 May 2015 22:51

You should talk to your mom about it and tell her how you feel about what she did.

By dakatabg | 31

#6286481 - Saturday 9 May 2015 22:52

Family rules

By jmigs17 | 19

#6286482 - Saturday 9 May 2015 22:52

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

myanichole | 22

#6286533 - Saturday 9 May 2015 23:49

... Just because she's not a dog person doesn't mean she's a cat person.

By seninaa | 27

#6286483 - Saturday 9 May 2015 22:52

that sound very considerate

By erin55378 | 17

#6286484 - Saturday 9 May 2015 22:52

Wait so that's not a normal thing to do...? Whoops.

By TweetAnne | 13

#6286486 - Saturday 9 May 2015 22:53

Could of sworn dogs got fleas and not lice.

feven | 32

#6286500 - Saturday 9 May 2015 23:00

No, they can get either. It's just not transferable to humans

siggy_mcsigx | 22

#6286541 - Sunday 10 May 2015 0:01

Could've*

Xamry14 | 10

#6286646 - Sunday 10 May 2015 2:36

No, head lice can only live on humans.

Calingaladha | 21

#6287434 - Sunday 10 May 2015 21:01

They can get lice (most animals can), but lice are very species-specific, so dog lice will not live on humans, and vice-versa.

By SadSouthernBell | 18

#6286489 - Saturday 9 May 2015 22:53

I take it she hasn't had much experience with dogs.