Today, my girlfriend came over to meet my parents. Everything...

By sarahmaxine - 9/5/2015 04:10 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my girlfriend came over to meet my parents. Everything was going fine until she said she owned a dog. My mom then immediately attempted to check her scalp for lice. FML

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Miscellaneous

Long story short

Tidy your room

Don't you know that you're toxic?

By My_Name_Is_Zach - 23/7/2012 03:48

Today, my neighbor called me on vacation to tell me that she let my mother into my house to feed my fish. I don't have fish, and my mother passed away 3 years ago. FML

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By StinkyandStupid - 15/3/2012 17:49 - United States

Today, I was calling my husband while driving. While the phone rang, I farted. As soon as the horrid smell hit my nose, my husband answered. I panicked and hung up quickly, thinking to myself how embarrassed I was because he could smell it. I'm an idiot. FML

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By Mj - 20/7/2016 00:28 - Canada - Windsor

Today, I farted in a public pool and watched in horror as bubbles of death gas floated up beside my son who started calling me the fart monster in front of everyone. FML

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By mindlost - 7/1/2010 02:58 - United States

Today, I had an argument over whether or not I should buy some flowers. With myself. Out loud. FML

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By Numbnuts - 8/3/2010 03:08 - United States

Today, I was really bored and decided to annoy my mom while she was doing the dishes. I walked up behind her, touched her shoulder, and said "Poke". She then donkey kicks me straight in the nuts saying "Kick". I know now to never bug my mom when she's in a bad mood. FML

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By Sleeping moody - 8/8/2016 04:01 - United States - Hollywood

Today I went to my sleep therapist; I sleep 8 hours a night, but I'm still very tired during the day. I'm divorced, so we decided that I would record myself sleeping to see if I might be snoring. We listened to the tape. Not only was I snoring very loudly, I cry all night in my sleep. FM

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By youlovewaffles - 3/8/2019 04:00

Today, I was talking to myself in the shower, pretending I was Oprah. After I got out, my little brother asked if I was singing in the bathroom. I almost said no, but admitting to singing seemed a lot less embarrassing. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2012 00:20 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, a thirty-something guy swaggered into my workplace. He was wearing shutter shades and torn jeans, and claimed to be our new boss. I called security to throw him out, at which point he produced his ID and let me know I'd be attending an employee review session next week. FML

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By Anon. - 5/5/2016 21:00 - United States - Allentown

Today, like every other day my boyfriend and I try and have sex, his dog cried and whined outside of his room until we stopped. She does this all the time and it kills the mood instantly. I can't have sex because of a toy poodle. FML

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By Ahlph - 20/5/2011 04:43

Today, I made it my life goal to own a towel heater. FML

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By Hipnog - 7/11/2015 14:33 - Czech Republic

Today, I realised how damn creepy I am because I get nervous and smile when someone looks at me, and no it's not one of those smiles you'd love looking at, it's a smile straight out of a horror movie. I made a bunch of children run away. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2012 07:23

Today, I had my end of year physics exam. I wasn't sure about some stuff, so I hid my notes and textbook in the bathroom. Halfway through, I got up, went to the bathroom, and as soon as I picked up the book, forgot what I was looking for. I can't even cheat right. FML

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By donttouchmyhair - 19/3/2014 18:14 - Romania - Bucharest

Today, a crazy woman grabbed my hair and mentioned how lovely it was. She then asked when I would donate it. I told her I didn't want to, at which point she started yelling that she was going to get some scissors and cut it all off to teach me a lesson. FML

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By Maxwell - 4/2/2010 10:47 - France

Today, my 4 year old son thought it was funny to put money in the shredder. He stuck over 500 dollars in it. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2016 16:41 - Canada - London

Today, I took my labrador to the vet because he seemed really sick and wasn't acting like his usual self the past few weeks. The vet said nothing was physically wrong with him and that he's most likely suffering from depression. My own depression is why I got a dog in the first place. FML

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By crotchshothottie - 26/7/2011 16:22 - United States

Today, I saw my picture in an architecture magazine. I'm not an architect. I was walking up a flight of "magnificently built" stairs as my skirt lifted to show an absence of underwear. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2020 02:01

Lazy comeback

Today, I was doing my job and trying to teach a lazy bunch of 16-year-olds. A girl entered the room just 15 minutes before class ended, so I snapped, "Someone had better have died for you to be this late!" She immediately burst into tears. Turns out, someone had. FML

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By Dockin - 14/2/2019 15:37 - India

Today, I slashed my ass open with a shard of glass. How? I was making out with my crush, and threw my glasses on the ground. I forgot about them when we decided to lie down. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2015 05:49 - United States - Norwalk

Today, I felt so lonely that I asked Siri to read me Wikipedia articles so that I could pretend I was having a conversation with a real human being. FML

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By frogdog563 - 1/9/2019 14:00

Today, my little sister asked what the noises were last night. It happened to be my dad and his girlfriend fooling around. I ended up telling her it was ghosts. Now I'm grounded by my dad who yelled at me for scaring her. I was trying to save his ass from a lot of questions. FML

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By Rowansgonnarow - 5/7/2014 20:19

Today, a girl I recently slept with messaged me, explaining through a rendition of "Call Me Maybe" that she'd given me chlamydia. FML

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By Sammy - 25/11/2011 08:44 - United States

Today, I re-broke my leg. The same way I broke it the first time, playing frisbee. FML

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By RetailJocky - 15/8/2017 13:00

Today, at work, a bag of driveway repair tar split and spilled in my arms and hands. Not only does it stain and pull out any arm hair it touches, the stains also look like I was playing in dog poo. FML

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By kenzieeeee - 30/12/2010 00:30 - United States

Today, I got stuck in a blizzard. My mother never picked me up like she was supposed to, and wasn't answering her phone. After walking around for a half hour, freezing, I finally found her. Where was she? Sitting in Pizza Hut, having a great time. FML

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By bitchonia - 28/3/2020 17:00 - Canada

Sign your name across my…?

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he'd think of me getting his initials tattooed over my heart. "That's awesome, babe," he answered enthusiastically. "But could you get them on your ass instead?" FML

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By madi - 15/4/2011 19:13 - United States

Today, I woke up with my eye swollen half shut. To spare the embarrassment, I asked my mom if I could stay home from school. She said no, but also attempted to make me feel better by saying that with my eye, my acne was unnoticeable. FML

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By 911 - 13/11/2008 03:57 - France

Today, my boss sneezed onto his hands and then licked them in front of my best customers. FML

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By Woops - 27/8/2014 22:57 - United States - Secaucus

Today, a schoolmate I've always secretly hated came over to my place to hang out. She found her way to my room and instantly noticed my dartboard, which I'd taped a picture of her face onto. FML

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By thx. - 4/8/2016 20:35 - United States - Denver

Today, I told the girl working the scanner that half the documents I was indexing from her were upside down. Now ALL of them are upside down. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2017 12:00

Today, a guy told me I was hot and that I should give him a chance. When I told him I was straight, he instantly called me a bigot. FML

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By fxck - 4/2/2015 19:28

Today, at work, I sneezed so hard that I hit my head on my cash register. A second later, I heard roaring laughter from the security room, followed by someone saying to play it back. I'd almost convinced myself it wasn't about me, when one of the guys came out and gave me a thumb up. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2010 13:33 - United States

Today, I was babysitting. The kid said he had to use the bathroom. When I told him to go ahead, he said he just did. He was on my lap. He wasn't wearing pants. FML

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By BigFoot - 29/7/2009 04:03 - United States

Today, I was trying on some shoes when I felt the heels break underneath me. Not only did they cost two paychecks worth, but as I was leaving I heard the sales girl say that "we really should have a weight limit for who can try on our products." FML

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By tracey - 19/10/2009 21:12 - United States

Today, I got pulled over for going 85mph in a 60mph zone on a highway in the Everglades. There were cars passing both the cop and me as I was being pulled over. The cop decided I was easiest to catch since I was the slowest of the bunch even though the other cars were topping 100mph. FML

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By welp24 - 28/10/2018 03:00

Today, at the age of 25, for the first time in my life, I was lying mostly naked in front of a man while he was inserting something in my body. Too bad that man was a doctor and that thing was a colonoscopy. FML

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By RequilaRainbow - 26/1/2012 07:34 - Canada

Today, while waiting outside a liquor store for my boyfriend, a drunk guy leaned over my shoulder, took a large bite out of my burger, and walked away. FML

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By lyss - 16/11/2018 10:30 - United States - New Prague

Today, my 4-year-old daughter asked me when I was going to be skinny like her daycare lady. FML

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By KidJwal - 28/2/2012 17:10 - United States

Today, I had to explain to a cop that the reason I was speeding was because my girlfriend was in the hospital due to a car accident. He was working the accident just ten minutes before and saw me leave behind the ambulance. He still gave me a ticket. FML

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By anonymous - 18/3/2013 09:17 - United States - Torrance

Today, I was over at a friend's house feeding her cats while she was on vacation. After feeding the four of them, I found an extra cat under the sofa. Thinking it was an intruding stray, I kicked it out. She actually has 5 cats. FML

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By Fartini - 7/11/2016 06:47

Today, I discovered that alcohol makes me red-faced, extremely gassy and eager to discuss my virginity with everyone. FML

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Top comments

By sammiking | 13

#6286472 - Saturday 9 May 2015 22:48

Your mom is a little crazy

By TweetAnne | 13

#6286486 - Saturday 9 May 2015 22:53

Could of sworn dogs got fleas and not lice.

COMMENTS

By sammiking | 13

#6286472 - Saturday 9 May 2015 22:48

Your mom is a little crazy

CBOokami | 13

#6286686 - Sunday 10 May 2015 4:09

Or misinformed

Kazze | 31

#6286690 - Sunday 10 May 2015 4:17

35: Nah, just crazy.

sonasonic | 34

#6286998 - Sunday 10 May 2015 10:16

"Little" dosen't cover the insanity here.

By meatloaf11 | 23

#6286473 - Saturday 9 May 2015 22:49

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

feven | 32

#6286488 - Saturday 9 May 2015 22:53

Humans can't even get lice from dogs so what she did was just plain stupid

By Rstein14 | 14

#6286475 - Saturday 9 May 2015 22:50

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Lexipants | 21

#6286545 - Sunday 10 May 2015 0:03

Lice don't like a dirty environment, so...

By Markovski | 18

#6286479 - Saturday 9 May 2015 22:51

You should talk to your mom about it and tell her how you feel about what she did.

By dakatabg | 31

#6286481 - Saturday 9 May 2015 22:52

Family rules

By jmigs17 | 19

#6286482 - Saturday 9 May 2015 22:52

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

myanichole | 22

#6286533 - Saturday 9 May 2015 23:49

... Just because she's not a dog person doesn't mean she's a cat person.

By seninaa | 27

#6286483 - Saturday 9 May 2015 22:52

that sound very considerate

By erin55378 | 17

#6286484 - Saturday 9 May 2015 22:52

Wait so that's not a normal thing to do...? Whoops.

By TweetAnne | 13

#6286486 - Saturday 9 May 2015 22:53

Could of sworn dogs got fleas and not lice.

feven | 32

#6286500 - Saturday 9 May 2015 23:00

No, they can get either. It's just not transferable to humans

siggy_mcsigx | 22

#6286541 - Sunday 10 May 2015 0:01

Could've*

Xamry14 | 10

#6286646 - Sunday 10 May 2015 2:36

No, head lice can only live on humans.

Calingaladha | 21

#6287434 - Sunday 10 May 2015 21:01

They can get lice (most animals can), but lice are very species-specific, so dog lice will not live on humans, and vice-versa.

By SadSouthernBell | 18

#6286489 - Saturday 9 May 2015 22:53

I take it she hasn't had much experience with dogs.