Miscellaneous: Today, I decided it was time to start looking for my own place... - FML

By anonymous - United States - Lakeland

Today, I decided it was time to start looking for my own place and finally gain my full independence. My mom agreed happily without hesitation, which was surprising, but not anywhere near as surprising as finding out I have one day to get my shit together and leave. FML

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Proactive

Out of it

Clocked

By Jenson - 17/11/2020 19:05 - United Kingdom

Size Queen

Today, I found out that being a good boyfriend who financially supports his girlfriend through university, has a good relationship with her family and even put myself at risk to care for her through a COVID infection, doesn’t matter because she prefers the guy she cheated with who has a bigger knob. FML

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By TotallyFkd - United States

Today, I moved back home because I got laid off and could no longer afford my apartment. I decided to take a nap and when I woke up I overheard my Mom telling my Aunt that she used to be so proud of me and wonders when I became such a loser. Burn. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Boston

Today, I tried to be nice and let a homeless man have a place to crash for the night. He repaid me by pissing all over my new couch. FML

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By Elle - United States

Today, my therapist told me to write down my secrets in an envelope and symbolically burn them. My secrets included stories of my rampant sex life, drug use, a suicide attempt, and the overpowering hatred I have for my family. I've managed to misplace the envelope somewhere back home. FML

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By SlothyMolly - United States

Today, while working my shift at Taco Bell, a creepy guy started flirting with me. He said, "You remind me of something," acting as if I knew him from elsewhere. I quickly said I used to work at Chili's. He shook his head and said, "No, not a person! An animal. A sloth maybe." FML

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By NoValentine - United States

Today, I realized the reason I was asked to babysit 3 weeks ago for Feb 14 was because the old married couple with kids safely assumed that I wouldn't have a Valentine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Raleigh

Today, I woke up to find a huge zit directly between my two eyebrows. My friends have started calling me "The North Star." FML

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By shh - United States - Scottsdale

Today, during dinner with my wife's family, my daughter suddenly yelled, "DADDY TICKLES MOMMY'S BUM BUM!" I don't think I've ever received dirtier glares in my life. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my wife and I were having sex when she suddenly stopped and said, "I just thought of a great lesson plan idea for my 3rd graders." This isn't the first time this has happened. FML

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By C45 - Canada

Today, from my girlfriend of five years, I got my clothes back, my engagment ring and a card that says, "Merry Christmas! It's me not you." FML

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By Nell - United States

Today, as I was going to bed, I spotted a man staring at my window from a neighbor's yard. Ten minutes later, he was still there. I freaked out, started crying, and contemplated calling the cops. My creeper turned out to be the neighbor's wooden lawn ornament. FML

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By moerae

Today, I was fooling around with my new girlfriend. I guess she'd never been with an uncircumcised man before, because before I knew it I had a frenulum tear and had to go to the ER. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my sister, who has "borrowed" almost nine hundred dollars from me over the last few months, told me I was pathetic for not having my driver's license yet and that I "wasn't normal". I was saving that money for my driving lessons. FML

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By WIno - United States

Today, I have discovered things not to do while drunk. Like shaving my legs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - State College

Today, I was going to set up my air conditioner in the window. As I opened up the window, I must have disturbed a wasp nest, because a dozen wasps flew in and several of them stung me. The rest are now somewhere in my house with my terrified girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was participating in an exercise in my psychology class to describe this horrible looking person I had never seen before and I described the person as a "rebellious, drug dealing, lowlife". The person in that picture turned out to be my teacher. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New York

Today, I had a job interview. I didn't have any clothes suitable for the interview, so I went to the store early and bought some there. After the interview, I went to return the clothes, because they were so expensive. The hiring manager saw me. FML

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By damn cats

Today my cat watched me clean and refill his water bowls, then shoved his fresh-out-of-the-litter-box paw in my glass of water. FML

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By JulieKid - United States

Today, I stepped out of my car and slipped on a fresh coating of ice on the ground. I tried to catch myself by grabbing the car on my way down, but unfortunately, I was trying to grab with the hand that was holding my car keys. I key-scratched my own car. FML

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By BirdWatching - United Kingdom - London

Today, after moving to the big city, and missing the natural world from my tiny, 10th floor apartment, I bought a window bird feeder. Within half an hour, it had fallen off, landed on, and killed a pigeon. FML

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By PissyPants - United States

Today, I finally got my first kiss. I was so excited, I pissed myself. FML

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By Chanman1924 - United States

Today, my friend put my phone number on Craigslist. I still can't find the ad, but obviously everyone else can because I still haven't stopped receiving naked pictures. FML

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By FakeID - United States

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. When the police officer approached me and asked for license and registration, I accidentally gave him my fake I.D. FML

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By CreeperKiller2000

Dude! Come on!

Today, I woke up really out of it, and as I was walking into the kitchen, I stubbed my toe on a tile. I sat down, then got up and stubbed the same toe against the table, went over to the kitchen and stubbed the same toe on the same tile again. FML

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By Tiffosaur - United States

Today, I went on a blind date. As soon as my date saw me walking towards him, he checked his watch and said, "Oops, wrong place." Then walked right past me. FML

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By Holly - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I had to wait in a hospital room because I cut myself with a knife while trying to open a box of soda. After three stitches, I went home only to notice the box has an easy-open tab. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, on WhatsApp, I jokingly said, "I have been a naughty furry, I need spanking" in a group chat with all my friends. They had a good time laughing their asses off, not only because of the text, but because I put it in a group that included my boss and all of my colleagues. FML

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By mikeycoco

Today, I got motion sickness while having sex. FML

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By Username - India

Today, my misanthropic malcontent of a son smashed my air freshener and turned my faulty lava lamp on in a twisted act of rebellion. The bottom of the lamp broke and got wax everywhere. My room now smells like cinnamon, with a hint of freshly embalmed corpse. FML

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By ALL PRAISE TO THE NIGHT MOTHER - United States - East Greenbush

Today, my girlfriend lost one of her rings. I found this out as I overheard her gushing to her friend about how I must have borrowed it to find out what her ring size is. I have zero interest whatsoever in the sick and utterly immoral institution of marriage. FML

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By CambodianAsshole - United States - Placentia

Today, I opened my Christmas present from my parents. I got a road-side assistance package. I don't own a vehicle, and I don't even have a driver's license. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my wife is still not pregnant, but her sister is after the threesome we all had a few months ago. The threesome was my wife's idea, but I suspect I am still a dead man when it comes to whose fault it is. FML

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By Biological - United States

Today, I found out that I was not adopted and in fact my parents are my biological parents. How did I find out? Over dinner. How long have I been believing I was adopted? 22 years. Why did I start believing I was adopted? My siblings thought it would be a funny joke. My mom played along. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newville

Today, the nerves for my finals got so bad that I started stress-cleaning in my dream. FML

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By Miguel - United States

Today, in algebra, I took out my notebook. My Chinese teacher was so impressed with my "Chinese" writings on the cover that I'm now her "favorite student". Those "Chinese" symbols are actually Japanese, but I wanted someone to like me so badly that I didn't correct her. FML

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By nikkrissa_04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were messing around in his car. I then decided I was going to give him a blowjob for the first time. As I was going down, he grabbed my chin and said "Don't do that, your mouth isn't clean enough." FML

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By dumass - United States - Columbus

Today, the day before my wife and I leave for our 1 year anniversary trip, I realized my passport expires in 2014, not 2015. Instead of a week's stay at an all-inclusive resort in the Dominican Republic, we'll be spending three days in Louisville. Three angry days in Louisville. FML

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By CelibateHero - United States - Notre Dame

Today, as I was walking home, a car drove through a puddle and splashed me like in a cheesy movie. As if that wasn't annoying enough, the driver had to pull over because she was laughing too hard. FML

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By frustrated - United States - Miami

Today, while reading an erotic story I was more excited that the author used a conjunctive adverb than the sexual content in the story. FML

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By maggie - United States

Today, I got a round brush stuck in my hair so badly that I couldn't get it out for 45 minutes, and had a panic attack. I had to drive through town with a brush dangling from my head, to the hair salon, and listen to them laugh while they got it out. FML

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Top comments

By _parth | 20

#6282307 - Tuesday 5 May 2015 16:36

Well, then get your shit together.

By willyjac | 17

#6282309 - Tuesday 5 May 2015 16:37

I wonder if she was planning on kicking you out, that's a bit ironic..

COMMENTS

By _parth | 20

#6282307 - Tuesday 5 May 2015 16:36

Well, then get your shit together.

Reply

TheBelt | 19

#6282653 - Tuesday 5 May 2015 23:56

Time to start taking my "shit" for the sewer now.

By willyjac | 17

#6282309 - Tuesday 5 May 2015 16:37

I wonder if she was planning on kicking you out, that's a bit ironic..

Reply

EarlFug | 19

#6282857 - Wednesday 6 May 2015 4:02

Sorry, what's ironic about that?

By LittleMissShadow | 16

#6282311 - Tuesday 5 May 2015 16:38

Because that doesn't add to the already stressful process at all...

By jennaclaire13 | 22

#6282312 - Tuesday 5 May 2015 16:38

might wanna hurry and find an apartment

By DecisiveBull | 9

#6282314 - Tuesday 5 May 2015 16:39

Move out into the world is a big step, hopefully you can convince her to give you enough time.
Don't screw it up.

By Welshite | 39

#6282315 - Tuesday 5 May 2015 16:39

Start collecting the toilet contents then. You might have better luck dipping straight into the sewer lines.

By Nakomai | 17

#6282321 - Tuesday 5 May 2015 16:43

Maybe she's just hurt and lashing out.

Reply

pizzas_awesome | 18

#6282325 - Tuesday 5 May 2015 16:48

That's still no reason to basically kick op out.

Reply

elusiveshame | 22

#6282331 - Tuesday 5 May 2015 16:54

Not everyone is rational and react different to each situation. It may have been an instant reaction that was reversed once she had time to think about it.

Remember, you're seeing a brief description of the actual issue, and only one side.

Reply

kirasant | 19

#6282346 - Tuesday 5 May 2015 17:33

I agree, OPs mom is probably reacting out of hurt, but that's not an excuse. When you have kids, you have to control those impulses and behave maturely when you don't want to. To basically tell your kid GTFO just because they're growing up is ridiculous and not okay.

By venomousflower | 24

#6282326 - Tuesday 5 May 2015 16:50

It's time to buckle down and get to work

By elusiveshame | 22

#6282328 - Tuesday 5 May 2015 16:53

That's a bit extreme to cut contact with the OPs mother. I feel bad for anyone that has a misunderstanding with you, especially when you jump to the utmost ridiculous conclusion.

By RickySleeves | 20

#6282332 - Tuesday 5 May 2015 16:55

Don't take it personally. She's probably just extremely excited for you.