Today, my boyfriend asked me to play dead so he could have sex with my "corpse." FML

by Anon. / 02/07/2011 at 12:44pm / United Kingdom (Bradford) / Intimacy

Today, I flirted with a guy for ten minutes before realizing I was sitting between him and his girlfriend. FML

by Lindsay / 02/07/2011 at 12:41pm / United States (Missouri) / Love

Today, I used my AA handbook as a beer coaster. FML

by Raprotcommander / 02/07/2011 at 10:47am / United States (Georgia) / Health

Today, I was walking to the shops when I saw my friend about 10 metres in front of me, waiting at the traffic lights, by herself. Jokingly, I shouted out "Who's that really ugly person waiting at the lights?" The girl turned around. It wasn't my friend. FML

by Anonymous / 02/07/2011 at 6:43am / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, after hanging up the phone, I realised that telemarketers are my only form of social life. FML

by oxbonxo / 02/07/2011 at 3:38am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that FedEx delivered my $700 package to the wrong person. The person who signed for it didn't even spell my name right. FML

by bob / 02/07/2011 at 1:52am / Canada (Alberta) / Money

Today, I logged onto a website that offered free tutoring. After chatting with the online tutor, he started flirting with me. I was just looking for some help with my homework, not a creeper. FML

by Chasity / 02/07/2011 at 12:26am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out my husband is sleeping with my best friend. The best part? We all just signed a 12 month essentially non-breakable lease on a house together. FML

by cllutz / 02/06/2011 at 10:18pm / United States (Arizona) / Intimacy

Today, I went to go use an automatic cart in Walmart because I broke my hip in January. They were all being used by morbidly obese people throughout the store. I asked a manager if she could get me one, but apparently their weight issues are more impeding than my broken hip. FML

by LimpMcgee / 02/06/2011 at 9:36pm / United States (Maryland) / Health

boysinabooth's comment : That's happened to me before. Right after I got out of the hospital from surgery I had to wait after some fat ass who needed a motorized cart. People like that seriously don't give a shit. They looked at me and saw that I was probably more able to walk because I didn't have 300lbs hanging over my body.

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Today, the nicest thing said to me all day was from my microwave that flashes 'enjoy your meal' when it finishes cooking something. FML

by bymyself / 02/06/2011 at 9:05pm / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend left for a 2-year job posting in China. We had agreed to maintain a long distance relationship and even worked out a visiting schedule. Later that night, after trying to reach him, I realized the numbers he gave me weren't for China. The country code doesn't even exist. FML

by dumbass / 02/06/2011 at 7:58pm / Love

Today, I found out that my mom screams like a dying monkey while having sex. Even with my music turned up all the way, I can still hear her through our paper thin walls. FML

by Anonymous / 02/06/2011 at 2:38pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, I asked my ex-boyfriend how things were going since our breakup. We broke up because he admitted he was questioning his sexuality, and wanted to play for the other team. He took the conversation as an opportunity to talk about his new, amazing girlfriend. FML

by poop / 02/06/2011 at 1:26pm / United States (New York) / Love