Miscellaneous: Today, I tried to surprise my parents by coming home from college... - FML

By Abandoned - United States

Today, I tried to surprise my parents by coming home from college for Spring Break. I arrived to find a dark house, with all the doors bolted shut. After calling them, I found out that they have gone on a vacation to Hawaii for a week. I am now locked out of my own house, with no where to stay. FML

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Rock, hard place

Great speech, thanks!

The ole answer/forward conundrum

By badeats - United States

Today, I visited my grandma. She offered me some chips in ziploc bag. I thought they were sour cream and onion chips from the look. They tasted funny, but I didn't want to be rude and I kept eating. I looked closer after a while and noticed that what I thought were chives was actually mold. FML

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By Kimel - France - Vincent

Today, my eldest daughter announced she was getting divorced. She never even told me she was married. FML

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By paywithpoop - United States

Today, I came home and found that my home had been robbed. The worst part? One of the thieves took a dump in my toilet and didn't flush. It doesn't even look human. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had to catch a coach to London at 4 in the morning. I was late so I had to take any free seat, so sat down next to a seemingly sweet old man. Within ten minutes, the sweet old man was trying to kiss me and trying to pull me on top of him. Nobody said anything. The journey was 4 hours long. FML

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By Sleepless

Today, my dad and I had to move in with my mom. There's only two tiny rooms, and my aunt lives there along with her dogs and my cat. The dogs have tried to kill my cat, I have to share the bed with my mom, who snores BAD, and I haven't slept in two days. I work early all week. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I found out the real reason why my brother wasn't at his fiancé's Halloween party. He's been in jail for the past 3 months. When was anyone going to tell me? FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2020 14:00

The Taste of Love

Today, I was watching a romantic comedy at my boyfriend's house. During the make out scene, I decided to go in for a kiss. He apparently decided to belch at the same time. I could taste it. FML

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By justwantedtounpack - United States

Today, my parents threw a hissy fit calling me ungrateful and disrespectful for wanting to do laundry and clean at home, instead of going out to their friends' house for dinner. They also disconnected the Internet to punish me when they left. I'm 20 and visiting home on a college break. FML

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By MissNoFuture - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he's been having doubts, but he still wants to stay with me. I asked him why he had been so nervous about us and he replied, "I don't know, just thinking about a future with you makes me feel nauseous". We've been together over 2 years now. FML

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By 6u174r_d00d - United States

Today, I saw a cute girl working register at my regular coffee shop and politely asked the her for her number. I was brutally rejected. A few minutes later, a douchebag with a popped collar approached her with a cheesy pickup line and left with not only her number, but a free frappe. FML

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By beyondembarrassed - United States

Today, I tried to show my boyfriend's mom a picture of my prom dress on my phone. She scrolled to the right to find a picture of her son, naked. FML

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By Sheliton - United States

Today, I learned how awful intertrigo smells. I spent a ton of money and years of my life to become a health care provider apparently to treat the yeast infection between an obese woman's fat folds. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Barrie

Today, my 9 year old shitblossom of a sister decided to wake me up by hocking a loogie into my mouth. FML

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By pdub523 - United States - Longview

Today, I met my girlfriend's dad for the first time. His shirt said "D.A.D.D, Dads Against Daughters Dating, shoot the first one and word will spread". FML

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By TowelSinger

Today, I was at a choir convention, and everyone sings the national anthem outside their rooms each night. I was not informed and took a shower. My roommates opened the door, yanked me out, and locked me out of the room to sing wearing just a towel. The guy down the hall was video taping it. FML

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By EggyBum - United States

Today, I was putting groceries into my car, and I put the eggs on the driver's seat while I arranged my other bags. I was frustrated because the dome light was acting up, which drives me crazy. Once I got everything in, I crankily plopped into the car. I had never moved the eggs off my seat. FML

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By blahblahblah - 15/4/2020 20:00

Heart of Glass

Today, I was sitting on a stool by the stove while my dad was making stir-fry. The glass lid he had covering the skillet overheated and exploded. As huge shards of broken glass rained down on his only daughter's head, my dad's only concern was whether or not he would have to throw his food away. FML

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By klifestyle2012

Classy.

Today, I came home to find my brother making out with my girlfriend while taking a selfie. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2020 03:31 - India - Bangalore

Don't hate the player…

Today, I went on a Tinder date with a guy who insisted that I go with him to his friend's house party to meet people and socialize, as I'm new to the city. When I got there, I realised he had invited two other girls as his date as well. FML

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By Kurda - United States - Wallburg

Today, I finally found a bug I had been trying to get rid of. When I removed my bra, I noticed what looked like a piece of bug on it. Apparently, the bug was flattened and suffocated by my boob the entire day. FML

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By 3,500 down - United States - Altus

Today, my train departed over 10 minutes early. It was the last train of the day. I missed my transatlantic flight and along with it the vacation and concert I'd spent over a year saving for. FML

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By kufan1324 - United States

Today, my boss became obsessed with a movie about a pimp. He now refers to all my female coworkers as his "bitches" and refuses to treat us like human beings. Whenever we make a mistake, he rolls his eyes and laughs, "So typical of a prostie." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while doing a project on income, my teacher told me there are no houses in Japan. I told her I lived in Mitaka for 3 years and that I lived in a house there. She told me I was bullshitting. So much for quality education. FML

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By overseasbummer - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my wife and I had an argument serious enough to end our marriage, while overseas on vacation, with my whole family present. Three more days of awkward tension until we get to fly home and it all ends. FML

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By out of the closet - Australia - Wollongong

Today, I had to tell the third guy that my mother set me up with that it wasn't him, it's me. Apparently my mother thinks if she sets me up with enough guys, I will "date the gay out". FML

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By mistake - United States

Today, I realized what my mom has been calling me for 20 years. She always calls me her "little fehler." With her being from Germany, I always thought it was a cute little nickname. Apparently, she's been calling me her "little mistake." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was ringing a lady up at the register. I noticed her son was doing the peepee dance, so I rushed the payment process up and handed her the receipt. The little boy says "Mommy" and the mom looks down, then back up at me saying, "Your problem now" and walks out. The boy peed on the floor. FML

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By Phoellie - United Kingdom

Today, as I arrived at my house after a two week holiday, I opened the door and heard footsteps upstairs, I went up and found my boyfriend naked in bed. We had great sex and afterwards I found my best friend naked in the wardrobe. Turns out they'd had great sex also. FML

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By No thanks - United States

Today, I was called a bitch and "freaky as hell" because I don't like watermelon. I'm sorry, but just because I'm black doesn't mean I like watermelon. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I finally worked up the courage to write a girl a note, with my number on it, and the words: "You're stunning. Get in touch sometime." Heart pounding, I saw her, got up, and passed her the note. Then I passed out at her feet. FML

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By Mikey - United States

Today, I finally got cleared after my knee surgery and wanted to go salsa dancing with a girl I liked. So we went and I thought I would show off a little bit and try to dip her and kiss her. Turns out my knee isn't strong enough and now she won't talk to me after dropping her on the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, after months of busting our asses and working round the clock on our latest project, I and the whole office just got bad news: when our boss promised extremely generous bonuses for doing all this, he was point-blank lying, and intended to take credit for our work all along. FML

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By I wasn't being clingy geez - United States - Anchorage

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for being "too clingy". I haven't seen her in over 3 weeks and texted her first once. Guess that's still too much for her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I nervously introduced my mother to my new boyfriend. I had to sit and watch her flirt with him for an hour. When I took her in the other room and confronted her about it, she said, "Don't you dare ruin this for me!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had one more gift to buy: a copy of Fight Club. I asked a person working at Best Buy if they had any in stock. The man wouldn't sell me the last copy because I had broken the first two rules. FML

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By Madison Gliosci

Today, I’m spending my 21st birthday in the hospital getting a colonoscopy and endoscopy. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By person123abc - United States

Today, I sat in my room on the computer instead of attending the party of the year. I got kicked out because I wasn't invited. The party was in my back yard, hosted by my brother. FML

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By jellybean - United States

Today, there was something itching me in my bed, it was the tag to my pillow case. I ripped it off, very hard and slipped and punched myself right in the face. I broke my nose. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got hypnotized in front of my entire school. Once I was hypnotized the guy told me that the hottest celebrity in the world was in the audience and then he told me to point out who I saw. I said I saw Mick Jagger. I'm a guy. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, at college, the weird guy who stares at me every day came over, said, "I've made you a mixtape," then handed me an old, empty Queen's Greatest Hits CD case and scuttled off. FML

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Top comments

By skeez_fml | 0

#23210 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:05

you don't have a key to your own house? that's kind of sad.

By kagome_eb | 0

#23246 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:59

go to hawaii

COMMENTS

By skeez_fml | 0

#23210 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:05

you don't have a key to your own house? that's kind of sad.

Reply

soul_fml | 0

#1317793 - Sunday 29 August 2010 16:57

My house's bolt does not have a key

By greenman_fml | 0

#23214 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:13

no friends or family? your parents won't fly you out? you have so many options, but you decide to post here. how did you get to a computer? internet cafe? you are just chalk full of fail

Reply

alissa_roar | 6

#2489916 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 21:56

His phone could have internet.

Reply

suxs4ulol | 22

#3652086 - Monday 28 November 2011 8:45

or he could have posted it AFTER spring break, so many reasonably options.

By rebboy_2008 | 0

#23224 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:32

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Strajee | 23

#6323804 - Thursday 18 June 2015 5:04

The doors are bolted. Read please

By J0HNYR0773N | 0

#23229 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:40

Yea tot agree with #1 or why dont u have any friends? or neighbors with keys? or just break a window.. you suck at life lol

By bobdole | 0

#23231 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:41

no friends?

By kagome_eb | 0

#23246 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:59

go to hawaii

By scb197 | 0

#23253 - Monday 9 March 2009 16:19

#2 it's CHOCK full, you tool.

and really, you don't have a key?

Reply

LoosechangeX | 0

#1568212 - Tuesday 19 October 2010 0:58

It is a figure of speech genius. Don't get all pissed off because someone said something you don't like.

By bethinabox | 0

#23259 - Monday 9 March 2009 16:34

Really, no key? C'mon...

Just break a window. :)

By 13BlackCat | 2

#23269 - Monday 9 March 2009 16:59

hey for all y'all know the lock is broken. that's what happened to me. but it's true there are options. but i think there should be a "not so bad" button cause "you deserve it" seems a little harsh

Reply

vyktor_fml | 0

#2554721 - Monday 23 May 2011 21:59

Well he could've called his parents before he spent the time and money to go home. So he kinda did deserve it. :P

By identikit | 0

#23271 - Monday 9 March 2009 17:03

Hey at least you didn't walk in on them having sex eh?!