Miscellaneous: Today, I tried to surprise my parents by coming home from college... - FML

By Abandoned - United States

Today, I tried to surprise my parents by coming home from college for Spring Break. I arrived to find a dark house, with all the doors bolted shut. After calling them, I found out that they have gone on a vacation to Hawaii for a week. I am now locked out of my own house, with no where to stay. FML

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Our house, in the middle of our street

BO Central

It's the thought that counts

By Anonymous

(facepalm)

Today, while working roadside assistance, I arrived to a bewildered client who couldn't find their spare tire. The vehicle in question was a Jeep. I pointed out the spare, but was corrected as "that's just for decoration." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found my 5-year-old son prancing around in high heels and cat ears, wearing a thong as a necklace, and waving a riding crop around like a sword. He'd found the box where granny keeps her special outfits that make granddad extra happy on Friday nights. FML

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By NCanalyst - Norway

Today, I interviewed potential employees for a job position that I was supposed to get promoted to. FML

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By Nicole - United States

Gift of the gab

Today, I finally told my boyfriend that he's not very good at dirty talk. He does it every time we have sex and it always turns me off. He started crying. FML

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By Kimberly - France

Today, I realized that I lie to my friends online and go "offline" for hours at a time so it appears that I have a life outside of the internet. FML

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By kvdfan - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over to see me after almost a month of us not spending time together. Unfortunately, he came straight from bar-hopping with his friends and was wasted. He's currently naked in bed, cooing at his penis, and giggling like a little girl. FML

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By halfie - United States - Pigeon Forge

Today, while on my first ever date, I ordered a really hot curry, hoping to impress my date. "Yeah," I said smoothly, "not everyone can handle spicy food." When I took a bite, my eyes watered, my mouth burned, and I had to plead for water in between moaning like a dying baboon. FML

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By Matti

Today, as I sat on the toilet, I heard a noise outside. I peered through the window and found myself staring directly at my neighbor. FML

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By Anonymous

Cabin fever

Today, my (now ex) boyfriend came home from work at 8 p.m., monologued about how he doesn't love me anymore for two hours, and walked out on me. In the middle of quarantine. Out of nowhere. FML

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By Devildrake - Australia

Today, I went into work early so I could get my work all done and leave on time, rather than staying back. The later shift starters had other ideas and called in sick. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2020 05:02

The Summoner

Today, I've lived in my apartment for over 5 years with no bugs, as I'm phobic of them. I broke up with my ex, who smirked at me and declared war. I now have thousands of roaches that I can't get rid of. Coincidence? FML

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By A-train - 13/9/2020 08:01 - United States - Wellesley Hills

Not now, mom

Today, it was supposed to be my wedding day. This is the second time we've had to postpone it. The first was due to COVID, this time the sudden passing of my fiance's mother. FML

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By Anonymous - Venezuela

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by spray-painting it on my locker. FML

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By whatever - United States

Today, I was on a third date with a girl. Things had been going really well. At one point, the conversation lulled. After a moment of silence, she asked me what my greatest fantasy was. I told her that it was being a superhero. She told me that she meant sexual fantasy. I'm 25. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was going into an office building. There was a boy and a man ahead of me, and the boy held the door open for me. Surprised, I said "What a nice young man," and he said. "It's ok, ma'am; my dad says to always hold the doors open for old ladies." I'm 43. FML

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By Notgoodenough - 11/3/2021 23:01

No Future

Today, my ex-boyfriend, who lived in Tennessee, moved to Georgia to be with his long-distance girlfriend. I live in Georgia too, and last year he broke up with me after two years together because he “didn’t see a future in Georgia” to be with me. FML

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By who_cares - United States - Garden Grove

Today, I told my coworker who I have been crushing on for a while, that I really enjoyed our time last night. I immediately realized that the time we spent last night was in my sex dream. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Petaluma

Today, I'm a 34 year old male who just got given the sex talk on my Facebook timeline by my senile mother. 5ML

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By KnightToucan

Today, I got written up at work over false accusations that I didn't do some safety tasks. The same tasks that were done before I had even arrived. FML

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By grosstoenail - Canada - Courtice

Today, while I selling merch at a festival, a volunteer lost her toenail. Not only did she immediately show me, but she then took a picture and showed everyone coming up to my station. I lost sales because she wouldn't leave. FML

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By FuckMcDonalds

Today, while working at McDonald's, I was pulled into the manager's office and informed that I'd been caught stealing money from the safe. When I told them to show me the security footage, they refused and fired me on the spot. FML

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By Drunkard - United States - Tracy

Today, my boyfriend gave me grief about my drinking. This would be fine, if he were sober. FML

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By rickjameson - United States - Kill Devil Hills

Today, I made a point of talking to our parachute riggers, and thanking them for all they do. Today is also the first day I had to pull my reserve chute because my main chute didn't open correctly. FML

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By nannynomore - United States

Today, my boss had to leave the house for a little while. She asked me to take any messages she got. I answered the phone and lady calling said she was returning her call about the opening for a nanny position. I am the current nanny. I found out I am being fired by the new nanny. FML

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By lions214 - United States

Today, at work at a store, I was sitting on the floor stocking a bottom shelf. A woman in a motorized cart did not see me, and ran over my hand. When I alerted her about what she had done she laughed. FML

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By hunnybaby0319 - United States

Today, I went to pick up my car from where I parked it last night. I walked over to my parking spot only to find a vegetable stand there in its place. Apparently, that's the location of the Saturday Market and they had my car towed. FML

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By j_portal - United States - Carlstadt

Today, as I was laying in bed in my dark room, with only my phone's light on, a huge moth flew around it and directly into my open mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Escalon

Today, my insane war veteran great-uncle punched me in the throat for not laughing hard enough at his stupid joke. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Rooty Hill

Today, I succeeded in getting a seat on a crowded bus. I regretted this when, after a couple of stops, a big guy boarded the bus and stood next to me with his penis pressed against my shoulder. Longest. Bus ride. Ever. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Russell Springs

Today, I was babysitting a little girl. I let her play with a box of old Star Wars toys to keep her occupied while I quickly went to use the bathroom, and when I returned she was making the 15 or so figures have a massive orgy, sex sounds included. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of 4 years thinks my chemotherapy sessions are the perfect opportunity to sleep with other girls. FML

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By GracieGirl

When feral kids attack

Today, while waiting for my name to be called at the doctor's office, a little boy threw a Dixie cup full of water at me, making it look like I wet my pants. His mom just laughed and dragged him off. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, my girlfriend and I were lying in her bed. We fooled around and were about to have sex as she suddenly began to cry without any reason. She cried for 30 minutes until I finally managed to calm her down. She said there was no reason for her crying. Then she fell asleep. FML

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By ShortieRose

Always proofread before sending

Today, I was texting with my close friend about her very sick father. She texted, "I hope he gets better" and I replied, "I hope he does." Autocorrect changed it to, "I hope he dies." FML

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By Ramb0 - United Kingdom - Christchurch

By singing

Today, I was headbanging so hard to a song in the shower that I hit my head on the wall and got a concussion. I'm now in hospital. FML

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By Lyn - United States

Today, I'm supposed to start my new job as a Crime Scene Tech. Instead, I managed to electrocute myself with my hairdryer. I'll now have to attempt to explain to them that I really am qualified to safely operate an electrostatic lifting device, and other expensive equipment. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2020 14:02

Overbearing much?

Today, my mom caught me playing Mortal Kombat and had a fit about the violence, saying she read violent video games turn young people like me into mass murderers. I’m 29 years-old with my own flat and she still tries to treat me like a dumb impressionable teenager. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cincinnati

Today, my now ex-boyfriend actually claimed that his cheating didn't count because A) the other girl is his lab partner, and B) she's overweight. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out how acidic some of the chemicals I work with are. After a chemical shower, minor burns, and having to throw away my clothes due to a biohazard, I had the pleasure of running across the parking lot to my car, wearing only a lab coat around my waist. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Livingston

Today, my family and I finished moving to Texas. As if that isn't bad enough, I'll have to introduce myself all over again to everyone I meet and explain that yes, my parents really did name me Lilypad. FML

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Top comments

By skeez_fml | 0

#23210 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:05

you don't have a key to your own house? that's kind of sad.

By kagome_eb | 0

#23246 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:59

go to hawaii

COMMENTS

By skeez_fml | 0

#23210 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:05

you don't have a key to your own house? that's kind of sad.

Reply

soul_fml | 0

#1317793 - Sunday 29 August 2010 16:57

My house's bolt does not have a key

By greenman_fml | 0

#23214 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:13

no friends or family? your parents won't fly you out? you have so many options, but you decide to post here. how did you get to a computer? internet cafe? you are just chalk full of fail

Reply

alissa_roar | 6

#2489916 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 21:56

His phone could have internet.

Reply

suxs4ulol | 22

#3652086 - Monday 28 November 2011 8:45

or he could have posted it AFTER spring break, so many reasonably options.

By rebboy_2008 | 0

#23224 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:32

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

Strajee | 23

#6323804 - Thursday 18 June 2015 5:04

The doors are bolted. Read please

By J0HNYR0773N | 0

#23229 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:40

Yea tot agree with #1 or why dont u have any friends? or neighbors with keys? or just break a window.. you suck at life lol

By bobdole | 0

#23231 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:41

no friends?

By kagome_eb | 0

#23246 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:59

go to hawaii

By scb197 | 0

#23253 - Monday 9 March 2009 16:19

#2 it's CHOCK full, you tool.

and really, you don't have a key?

Reply

LoosechangeX | 0

#1568212 - Tuesday 19 October 2010 0:58

It is a figure of speech genius. Don't get all pissed off because someone said something you don't like.

By bethinabox | 0

#23259 - Monday 9 March 2009 16:34

Really, no key? C'mon...

Just break a window. :)

By 13BlackCat | 2

#23269 - Monday 9 March 2009 16:59

hey for all y'all know the lock is broken. that's what happened to me. but it's true there are options. but i think there should be a "not so bad" button cause "you deserve it" seems a little harsh

Reply

vyktor_fml | 0

#2554721 - Monday 23 May 2011 21:59

Well he could've called his parents before he spent the time and money to go home. So he kinda did deserve it. :P

By identikit | 0

#23271 - Monday 9 March 2009 17:03

Hey at least you didn't walk in on them having sex eh?!