Today, a guy informed me that the cute, really tiny little leather...

By fashionVictim - 8/3/2009 20:35 - United States

Today, a guy informed me that the cute, really tiny little leather bracelet with little silver hearts and several snaps that I'd found in a head shop is actually a cock ring. I'm a girl. FML

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Miscellaneous

Understandable

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

The student becomes the master

By badmom - 25/2/2012 11:25 - Ireland

Today, my 18-year old son decided to run his hand over our wooden fence to try and get a splinter, as he "forgot what they felt like." Last month, he stabbed himself in the arm with a sewing needle because he "forgot what an injection feels like." I raised this idiot. FML

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By Fackwork - 30/5/2012 09:37 - United States - Council Bluffs

Today, after declining an amazing job offer that pays more than double what I make now in order to accept a promotion my boss offered me if I stayed, I asked when I would receive the promotion and pay raise. She snorted and said, "You thought I was serious about that?" FML

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By partypooper - 28/7/2009 06:34 - United States

Today, a friend asked me if I could help him set up the stage for his wedding. Feeling honored that he considered me a close enough friend to aid him on his special day, I agreed to help. Turns out we aren't so close. I was asked to leave after I was done because I hadn't actually been invited. FML

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By Why - 24/4/2016 18:59 - United States - Marlborough

Today, my husband cheated on me. In my house. While I was home. FML

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By juliette - 8/10/2012 05:39 - United States - Tucson

Today, I surprised my boyfriend with a bag containing condoms and sexy lingerie. He looks into it and says, "I hope you kept the receipt." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2016 21:54

Today, my dad decided I was too hairy and taught me to shave. This would be a great bonding experience if I weren't a girl. FML

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By ouch - 9/12/2009 17:09 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was telling me how concerned she was about her weight. I told her not to worry, because it gives more cushion for the pushin' anyway. She picked up a lamp and threw it right at my dingleberries. FML

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By cowgurl91 - 13/1/2010 21:40 - France

Today, I found out that my boyfriend was going to propose to me about three months ago. I was completely surprised and asked why he didn't. At that time, I had told him to stop looking at me like that and go buy me some damn tacos. I was 2 months pregnant then. Now he wants to wait a couple of years. FML

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By Alex - 11/6/2019 14:30

Today, I was working at my job at a bank. A couple was waiting in the lobby, and not being busy, I asked what they needed. They told me that they were applying for a loan, so I asked if it was for something exciting. It was to pay for their 12-year-old son's burial expenses. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2013 20:56 - United States - South Hadley

Today, I was buying condoms but was a little embarrassed so I went to the self-check. I scanned the condoms, then a magazine and tried to put the condoms under the magazines to hide them. The store guy saw me, thought I was shoplifting and I was kicked out of the store. FML

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By lonelyman - 20/11/2009 07:29 - United States

Today, I used text-to-speech just so that I can hear "I love you" for once. FML

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By TheBeautifulOne - 23/8/2012 13:42 - United Kingdom - Ayr

Today, I met a girl I used to make fun of in high school. She was taking my fingerprints after I was arrested. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2017 06:00 - United States - Frederick

Today, I didn't think getting egged was a thing anymore until I found that my car got egged. FML

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By BYUwildchild - 17/12/2010 16:23 - United States

Today, I realized that the fish-shaped birth mark on the back of my leg, that I have had all my life, is not really shaped like a fish as I had originally thought. It looks just like a penis. FML

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By Noname - 21/2/2009 05:41 - United States

Today, My mom walked in on me and my 2 year crush about to have sex. When she saw us she said "oh I'll just wait outside, I know it wont be long anyway." FML

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By got got - 30/1/2020 14:00

Great help

Today, I just moved in with my friend and had my brother help with the move. Later that night both my brother and my friend wouldn't let me sleep because of how loud the sex was. FML

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By tycrist8 - 26/6/2015 23:32 - United States - Lawrence

Today, my family and I were driving and we passed a strip club called DB's Golden Banana. My 5-year-old sister asked what it was, so my dad said it was a place where people dance. Now my sister keeps telling people she wants to be a dancer at DB's Golden Banana. FML

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By Moanie - 15/3/2009 22:45 - United States

Today, my parents were taking a tour of my apartment when my bird started making noises. It was mimicking my moans from when I was having sex yesterday. It was screaming in my voice, very noticeably. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2010 07:47 - United States

Today, I was driving back home after hanging out with some friends. I drove pass a woman standing next to a broken down car. I felt bad, so went back and offered her a ride home. Turns out it wasn't her car and she was a hooker. FML

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By Lady_Luck - 25/3/2009 19:31 - United States

Today, my friend and I were filming football practice and talking about what guys on the team were attractive and who we would want to get it on with. We didn't realize that the camera was recording everything that we said. The tape was played to the entire team the next day. With sound. FML

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By whywouldudothat - 19/4/2020 02:00

Vinted-ed

Today, my mom sold my watch collection on Vinted. I've spent over 15 years on the collection and I don't even live with my mom. I'm still wondering how she got in. FML

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By redisnotmycolor - 16/11/2009 01:46 - United States

Today, while putting on makeup, I got a face full of bloody scratches instead of an even skin tone. Turns out my makeup sponge was full of bits of glass. My little brother forgot to tell me he shattered a mirror beside my makeup box. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2012 11:38 - Italy

Today, it was my boyfriend's grandfather's funeral and visitation. These things make me nervous, and not thinking, I made comments that included the words "killing", "dying", and "death". I'm a rubbish support system. FML

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By AuntSucka - 8/11/2009 01:35 - United States

Today, I let my nephew and his friend spend the night to watch movies. After I fell asleep they stole my liquor and went roaming. When they saw the cop car in front of my house and realized they were busted, they went up to the cop and told them I gave them the alcohol to avoid being grounded. FML

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By xXxtwilightLUV95xXx - 8/3/2010 15:14 - United States

Today, I woke up to the most awkward breakfast of my life. Apparently, last night after taking my sleeping pill, I went into my mom's room and started spilling secrets left and right. Secrets about my current crush, the people I've hooked up with, and how when I say I'm going over to my friend Beth's house, I'm really seeing a guy. FML

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By xX_nsn_Xx - 3/2/2012 14:47 - United States

Communication breakdown

Today, the pervert in my computer class asked me if I "mowed my lawn." Not knowing this was a vaguely sexual term, I replied, "No, my dad does." FML

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By bad poet - 2/12/2013 01:57 - United States - Millerton

Today, my boyfriend asked me to write him a poem, as I am an avid writer. Happily, I agreed. After hours of working, I proudly presented it to him. He read it, laughed, and said, "No babe, I meant a real poem." Maybe I should rethink my career choice. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2017 00:00

Today, working midnight at a coffee shop, I had a customer set down his phone on the counter to pay. Screen up. Still playing his, "Ebony Rimjob" porn. FML

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By sabz21 - 27/1/2014 04:37 - United States - Naugatuck

Today, as a priest's helper in church, I was giving Communion. It took me three people to realize that every time I was giving them the Eucharist, I was saying, "May the force be with you". FML

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By wooowmom - 5/6/2011 01:10 - Canada

Today, I learned that if I don't give my mom attention immediately after she calls my name, she will throw a baseball at me. FML

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By mustachio101 - 17/7/2012 23:30 - United States - Montgomery

Today, my boyfriend thought it appropriate to let me know that doing the "duck face" in my Facebook pictures "highlights my mustache." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2019 12:41

Today, I tripped over a kid at work. She was sitting on the floor with her legs sticking out into the walkway. Her mom caused a scene, accusing me of doing it on purpose. FML

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By iskalion - 10/10/2015 05:39 - Canada - Grande Prairie

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents over lunch. Unfortunately, I showed my dad her Facebook profile beforehand and he wouldn't stop making cracks about her duckfacing. It started with "Don't let her eat the bread, it'll puff up in her stomach and kill her", and ended in tears. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2009 03:38 - United States

Today, my little 7 year old brother asked me what horny meant whilst in the car with my parents. When I wouldn't tell him what it meant he screamed, "I'm getting horny!" at the top of his lungs, and told my parents that I told him to say it. FML

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By fuck you, dad - 27/9/2012 18:36 - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, I was eating out at a restaurant with my family. My dad had drained most of our bottle of wine, so thinking he'd be a little less uptight than usual, I reached over to pour myself some. He swatted my hand away and started yelling at me for being a "degenerate drunk". FML

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By Earths_Venus - 19/11/2009 22:31 - Australia

Today, I was driving to my new home with a lot of my belongings in the car. I could hear things shifting in the back. When I parked, I opened the door, ready to catch my vodka. I caught it- and watched my laptop slide out of the car, onto the concrete, and break into 3 pieces. FML

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By bym - 13/10/2008 08:23

Today, I got braces fitted. For the next two years, I'll be the most handsome guy on earth. FML

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By russty - 17/1/2010 17:45 - United States

Today, I walked to my car to find a window smashed in. Lucky for me, nothing was stolen. It did, however, rain all morning. FML

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By dulllife - 8/12/2011 07:30 - United States

Today, I noticed we had gotten new colored toothpicks at the restaurant I work at. That was the highlight of my day. Apparently my life has gotten so boring I get excited over colored toothpicks. FML

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By wellthanks - 10/6/2013 17:04 - United States

Today, in class, we were discussing stereotypes. We were asked about common ones about nearby cities. A guy said, "Well, they say Lumberton has the prettiest girls." My teacher asked if any of us were from Lumberton, so I raised my hand. The guy quickly said, "Nevermind." FML

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Top comments

By sherri | 0

#22064 - Sunday 8 March 2009 23:04

You either have a wrist the size of a baby, or this is for an extremely well endowed male!

By fb_fml | 0

#22071 - Sunday 8 March 2009 23:05

#3 - maybe it has "several snaps" to adjust the size and she had it on the largest?

COMMENTS

By Tehalon | 0

#22062 - Sunday 8 March 2009 23:04

I dont get the FML part in this o.0

PurpleLlamas | 0

#1061358 - Sunday 4 July 2010 4:31

1-she was wearing a cock ring around her wrist

Evan2297 | 0

#3729887 - Wednesday 14 December 2011 12:33

Hehe.. Head shop..

fakedsincerity | 32

#5556064 - Friday 28 June 2013 7:08

Me either. As long as it was new and unworn by a dick, who cares?

By jake_fml | 0

#22063 - Sunday 8 March 2009 23:04

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By sherri | 0

#22064 - Sunday 8 March 2009 23:04

You either have a wrist the size of a baby, or this is for an extremely well endowed male!

L0VExoxo | 10

#5481870 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 7:40

that's what I was thinking

By fb_fml | 0

#22071 - Sunday 8 March 2009 23:05

#3 - maybe it has "several snaps" to adjust the size and she had it on the largest?

Ch_rae5 | 19

#6167471 - Friday 9 January 2015 7:08

that's what I was thinking too! but whoever can fit that last snap must be pretty confident:)

By videogame_loser | 0

#22075 - Sunday 8 March 2009 23:06

I mean, that is a common misconception right?

By jake_fml | 0

#22080 - Sunday 8 March 2009 23:07

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Akalia_fml | 7

#2026415 - Sunday 30 January 2011 19:24

I can't stop GIGGLING either. :0)

spazz666 | 18

#5115698 - Sunday 4 November 2012 23:19

You forgot to correct "your"

You're*

By blahblahblah44 | 0

#22095 - Sunday 8 March 2009 23:11

how is this a fml? it's just a funny story..

By frankoisdarkel | 0

#22104 - Sunday 8 March 2009 23:16

shouldve asked where you could get more, if it was that cute.

By sunrises_fml | 0

#22107 - Sunday 8 March 2009 23:18

i don't even know how this would work. i have the tiniest wrists/hands. bracelets are always too big & bangles just fall off, but i once tried to put my ex's cock ring on my wrist as a joke and it felt like it was going to cut off the circulation... so wtffff?

Somefruits | 24

#5768447 - Tuesday 26 November 2013 4:37

Maybe it was one of those cock rings that goes around the balls too...? Perhaps then it would be big enough to fit on OP's wrist.

By z_vet | 0

#22110 - Sunday 8 March 2009 23:20

So what is FML part of it?