Work: Today, at the restaurant where I work, I served a table of 4... - FML

By serverdessert - United States

Today, at the restaurant where I work, I served a table of 4 middle-age women. Before greeting the table, I was deciding between saying "Can I get you anything to drink?" and "Can I start you off with something?" My actual greeting? "Can I get you ladies off?" FML

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Commando

And today, on Dr Phil…

Bullshit reason #874

By dinosaurboy - United States

Today, my mom and I went to the mall to look for some boxer briefs. While looking, I saw two girls I knew from school, so I went over to say hello. At least, that was my plan, but my mom screamed, "Look! These have dinosaurs on them!" They left the store giggling. FML

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By nikkiquila_0699 - Canada

Today, I came back from my 3 month vacation from France. During my vacation I lost 32lbs and I was so excited to show off my new body to my boyfriend. When he walked in the door he didn't notice me, but he did notice my younger, thinner and tanner sister strutting around in her bikini. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2020 16:58 - United States - Mechanicsburg

Contact tracing

Today, I woke up to a text from my girlfriend telling me to call when I wake up. Turns out she had one of her friends over who tested positive for Covid and I was just at her house, so now I’m forced to quarantine. FML

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By Hover Hand - United States - Merchantville

Today, someone posted photos from a party I was at. On each photo I'm posing in with a girl, my hand is not touching her, but is hovering over her like some creepy weirdo loser. My Facebook nickname is now of course "Hover Hand." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Lindsay

Today, while working as a swim instructor, I started singing the hokey pokey to get all the kids used to putting their faces in the water. One of the kids was covering his ears. When I asked him why, he said "because you were singing." He's 3. FML

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By Gary - Canada

Today, I was walking next to this building that was getting renovated, and read a sign that said "Watch out for falling debris at all times." While I was watching out for debris, I fell down a staircase. FML

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By Blood on my hands - United States

Today, I sprayed down some ants in my house. In the sea of ant corpses was a single living ant seemingly cradling a dead one in its arms. I'm convinced I just became the villain in an epic tragedy. Now I have to live with my ant problem because I can't bear to tear another family apart. FML

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By Kailey - United States

Today, I was moving into my new house. While trying to turn on the light in the bedroom, I realized I couldn't reach the string on the fan. I got a chair, climbed up, reached over, and fell badly. While writhing in agony on the floor, I looked over to see a light switch on the wall. FML

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By deaddoggy - New Zealand - Palmerston North

Today, I took my 17 year-old dog, who had been my best friend my entire life right from when I was born, to be euthanised. I had booked in advance. The vet ambled in all spritely and cheerfully asked, "Just here for a checkup, aye?" FML

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By stupid - United States

Today, I lost my cell phone. Since I sleep on the couch, I started looking through the cushions. I didn't find my phone, but after 6 months of uncomfortably sleeping on the couch, I find out I'm sleeping on top of a pull out bed. FML

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By avatarnicole9 - Canada

Today, while going for a walk, I saw two bunnies next to the road. Apparently, I was scarier than the oncoming traffic, because one of them decided to sprint into the road as I walked by. I could hear its bones crunch as it got hit by a car. FML

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By wow - United States - Turlock

Today, my mom spelled my name with all lowercase letters. When I asked her why she wrote it like that, she got pissed and snapped back, "Capitals are for people who amount to something." FML

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By loz4151336 - 3/3/2020 12:06

Criminal minds at their best

Today, my friends wanted to try to dine and dash at a McDonald's. I had to explain why that wouldn't work. FML

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By stk - United States - Aurora

Today, I woke up at 3am to catch my flight back home, only to realize that my flight was pushed back 14 hours. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after massive bouts of diarrhea, vomiting, and doctor visits lasting weeks, I finally got a diagnosis... from my puppy's vet. I got Giardia from my dog. FML

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By ositsranielle - United States

Today, while I was painting, my little nephew came in and started watching me. I left to clean my brushes. When I came back into the room, my nephew had spilled paint all over the carpet making a rainbow. It took me 5 hours to clean it up. FML

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By anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I witnessed a series of nude old people cycling in the city. I was eating. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a few people in my class used calculators on the math final exam, even though it clearly stated at the top that they weren't allowed. The teacher found out, and now everyone has to retake the 200-question exam. I didn't even use a calculator. FML

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By lesousterre - United States - Lees Summit

Today, my grandpa still receives more mail than me. He's been dead for three years. FML

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By copshop - United States

Today, I was working the graveyard shift as a security guard. I fell asleep in my car doing paperwork around 2 am. When my supervisor came to check on me, he pounded on my window, wearing a "Scream" mask. I panicked and pepper sprayed him. Too bad my window was closed. FML

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By meunluckycharms - Canada - Toronto

Today, I brought a boy home for the first time, only to have my dad ask him what his mother's maiden name was. When he answered, my dad exclaimed, "Oh yeah! I think I dated her in high school. I could be your father!" FML

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By - 22/2/2020 18:00

My dear neighbor

Today, I had a very sweet and romantic love note brutally scratched into the door of my brand new car. It was addressed to Cindy. Cindy lives next door. FML

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By sorrygrandma - United States

Today, our school chorus went to a senior citizens' home. An elderly lady died during my solo. FML

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By Dani_Rich - United States

Today, I was pulled over by a motorcycle cop for speeding in a 25 MPH zone. As the cop was walking towards my car, I flicked my cig-bud out of my window. So, the cop did me the pleasure of writing me two tickets instead of one. FML

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By Silverfeathery - United States - Lewiston

Today, I was making out with a guy in his car, when we decided we needed a minute of fresh air. We stepped out, only to completely lock ourselves out, with our phones and the keys inside. We had to smash a window. FML

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By KillahCam - United States

Today, my ten year-old brother told me that his thirteen year-old friend took one of my bras and two pairs of my underwear a few weeks ago. Apparently he took them out of my room, put them on, and has been sleeping with them ever since. He's coming to give them back tomorrow. FML

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By paige - United States

Today, my dad came home drunk and called me hot. FML

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By SeeTony - United States

Today, I decided to begin jogging since my weight was getting a little out of control and I wanted to do something about it. Guess who tripped on a root and broke their ankle? Yeah. Exactly. FML

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By doggylove - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I realized my boyfriend's dog is more excited to see me than he is. FML

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By Asdf649 - Canada - Burlington

Today, at my wedding, my husband's drunk friend admitted that the only reason my husband and I started dating was because he was dared. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I thought it would be nice to take my girlfriend out to a nice restaurant for my birthday. She got a little headache after we ordered, so she went outside to get some air. I ate a $100 meal and had Happy Birthday sang to me by the restaurant staff. Alone. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - London

Today, my mom wouldn't let me go to the YMCA pool with the rest of the family. She said that the sound my thighs make when they rub together is "embarrassing". FML

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By Anonyme - France - Aigremont

Today, I watched the Sochi Winter Games online. Excited by an athlete's victory, I yelled out, "YEAH!" to 20-or-so silent coworkers. As if to redeem myself, I then said, "Don't pretend like you're all working you lot!" Our boss was right behind me. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my pregnant girlfriend gave me back the ring I'd used to propose with a week ago. Her reason? She only said yes because she was worried the real father of the baby wasn't going to stick around. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2020 23:03

Chilly

Today, I'm a young, healthy non-smoker, getting plenty of exercise and walking about 8.000 steps a day. I still have ice-cold feet. Even wearing two pairs of socks. And Lambswool boots. In July. FML

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By embarassed - United States

Today, my mother came up to me at swim meet and shouted to me in the bleachers "If you have to go potty, go now because there is a long line!". I'm seventeen. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after speeding home due to an overflowing bladder, I ran to the bathroom, forgetting that the toilet seat was broken. While doing my business, the toilet seat and I both slid off the bowl. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my sister, who has been seeing a guy for a year, got engaged. I've been dating my boyfriend for over 5 years and let out some not so subtle hints and he basically refused to propose. This is her second marriage in the time of my relationship. FML

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By person - United States

Today, I busted my ass to help this old lady move her stuff because she was going to a nursing home. I was told I would get paid. When I finished four hours later the lady took me to a room and told me to pick out anything in her little goody bag. I got a race car as payment. FML

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By everore - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, my brother learned how to fake cry. I've been catching shit for everything I've done and said near him ever since. FML

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Top comments

By smokeyou | 0

#22278 - Monday 9 March 2009 0:50

Well...yeah. That's bad.

By Bubs_fml | 0

#22281 - Monday 9 March 2009 0:51

Nice job - if this really did happen and isn't the old, played out joke. Did you get a tip?

COMMENTS

By smokeyou | 0

#22278 - Monday 9 March 2009 0:50

Well...yeah. That's bad.

Reply

Y_U_19029 | 0

#1351505 - Saturday 4 September 2010 19:09

lol you have a way with words(;

Reply

alpinestarsss | 0

#2792245 - Thursday 30 June 2011 17:13

Well? Did you get them off?

By larzipanz | 0

#22279 - Monday 9 March 2009 0:50

*sigh*

By Bubs_fml | 0

#22281 - Monday 9 March 2009 0:51

Nice job - if this really did happen and isn't the old, played out joke. Did you get a tip?

Reply

i_wuz_nver_here | 31

#6692099 - Monday 19 September 2016 6:27

No but they did!

By Xinxinix | 0

#22284 - Monday 9 March 2009 0:52

Hey! You have the exact technique that I do to get women!!

By Daysgoby | 0

#22285 - Monday 9 March 2009 0:52

I bet she did get a tip for flashing her junk afterwards to fix the mistake

By jujuburd | 0

#22286 - Monday 9 March 2009 0:52

did they take u up on the offer?

By Xman146 | 0

#22288 - Monday 9 March 2009 0:54

I gotta know. What happened after?

Reply

PurpleSpaghetti | 0

#1108878 - Monday 19 July 2010 10:58

yea im curious too

By EmilyMarie | 0

#22289 - Monday 9 March 2009 0:54

Whoops.

By blouuu_fml | 0

#22290 - Monday 9 March 2009 0:55

lol, nothing that can't be fixed with some explanation. I know I would've laughed!

By dickinabox | 0

#22301 - Monday 9 March 2009 1:04

I HOPE THEY LET YOU GET THEM OFF AND WERE NOT UNGRATEFUL TO YOUR PROPOSAL.