Today, I dropped my toothbrush. Because I have the spatial awareness... - FML

By dammit - 12/9/2015 08:11 - Australia - Redbank

Today, I dropped my toothbrush. Because I have the spatial awareness of a mentally-retarded gnat, I hit my head against the sink as I bent down to get it. Then I did the same on the way back up, almost KO'ing myself. My boyfriend saw the whole thing and nearly pissed himself laughing. FML

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The best cat

Compassion

Live dumping

By Glassless - 26/5/2017 20:00

Today, I lost my glasses. I don't have spares but my girlfriend said I could borrow hers. She doesn't understand why this won't work. FML

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By BoldMoveCotton - 15/6/2016 21:30 - United States - Pleasant Hill

Today, I put in my two-week notice. My boss responded by saying, "Okie dokie" and hanging up. Guess they were glad to be rid of me. FML

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By JohnyP - 9/7/2011 07:04 - United States

Today, after having my car been broken into the day before because I didn't lock it, I made sure I locked my doors. When I got off shift and entered the parking lot, I noticed a brick had been thrown through my windshield and a note that said, "Nice Try". FML

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By Justcan'twin - 9/10/2017 16:45

Today, at 5:30 on a Sunday, I noticed my tire had a bubble in it. I found a tire shop 15 minutes away that would be closing at 6pm and made it there in time, but the shop had closed early. I left to try and make it to the next one and had a blow out. FML

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By Bostonian - 2/12/2009 03:18 - United States

Today, I told my long distance girlfriend I will be coming half way across the country to visit here since I have not seen her in a month, I gave her my flight information so she could pick me up at the airport. She responded with "That's when The Office is on, can you take a cab?" FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2017 06:00

Today, in the middle of sex, I was desperate for a fart but tried to hold it in so we weren't forced to stop halfway. Unfortunately, I accidentally let the fart escape, along with runny diarrhea all over my husbands legs and groin. The smell caused him to vomit all over me. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2015 03:46 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I finally got a job so I could stop missing out on going out with my friends every weekend. Turns out I work only Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays, and there's no way around it. FML

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By melly - 14/12/2010 19:10 - United States

Today, my boss went out for a few hours. My coworkers saw this as an opportunity to take a 2 hour lunch without getting caught. I stayed at the office to answer the phone, while streaming videos which is a big no no. My boss came back early and caught me, they're all still taking lunch. FML

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By coyote - 2/9/2010 07:25 - Japan

Today, I'm recovering from abdominal surgery. In addition to pain, I'm having trouble peeing and haven't pooped since Sunday, so my surgeon prescribed a laxative. Turns out I'm allergic to it. Now I'm covered in hives, even in my ears, incisions, and lady parts. I also still haven't pooped. FML

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By BadNurse - 11/2/2017 20:00 - United States - Evansville

Today, I learned that the manager I switched jobs to escape 7 months ago will be my new boss. FML

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By faeliality - 16/4/2017 16:00

Today, after finally getting my drivers license, I was able to drive myself to school for the first time! I got fined $50 for accidentally parking in the wrong lot. FML

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By Wellokthen - 17/2/2017 22:00 - United States

So Sensual...

Today, things began to get hot and heavy between my boyfriend and I. Suddenly, in a deep, sexy voice, he whispered "God help me for what I'm about to do." Thinking it was just an odd manner of dirty talk, I mumbled about liking it. He then farted very loudly. FML

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By feelinblue - 23/6/2009 11:31 - Australia

Today, I ran into an old student of mine at the grocery store. She didn't recognize me at first so I introduced myself as her old teacher. She looked taken aback for a moment, and then said, "Oh my God... you're still alive?" FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2019 18:00

Spay and neuter, people!

Today, I took in an old friend’s fat cat for a month until she finds a place to live. Turns out the cat isn’t fat, just pregnant. I found out when I found two of her dead kittens in my living room. FML

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By alphafoxy21 - 5/5/2011 06:54 - United States

Today, after spending 8 months and $11,000 on school, I was denied a job in my chosen career field. They told me they decided to go with someone with more experience. So who got the job? One of my classmates. This is her first job. EVER. FML

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By mwja - 26/2/2011 22:59 - France

Today, thanks to a particularly spicy bowl of noodles, my nose decided it would rather be a fountain. A fountain of blood. FML

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By Toolate - 10/10/2012 08:26 - United States - Bristol

Today, I went to the surprise birthday party of an ex I still love, though I'm the one who ended things. I walked in in time to see her screaming "Yes" to her kneeling boyfriend, her parents crying and applauding, and her brothers patting him on the back. FML

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By shea234 - 20/2/2012 16:19 - United States

Today, I tried to find myself a friend on Craigslist. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2013 21:17 - United States - Euless

Today, I lost my patience and asked the deadbeat I loaned money to last year to please pay up. His response: "Blow me." No thanks, dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2015 16:45 - United States - Oakland

Today, I went to the dentist for the first time in years. His first comment upon inspecting my teeth: "Meth. Hell of a drug." FML

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By Jaymail - 17/5/2020 17:00

You snooze, you lose

Today, I saw some really nice dining room chairs sitting out on the curb waiting for the garbage man. I went to the door to ask the owners why they were throwing them out. They told me it was because they had just bought new furniture. While I was talking to the owner, somebody else picked them up. FML

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By fuckmuppet - 27/5/2014 17:04 - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I came down with diarrhea thanks to a particularly low-class restaurant. My dad has been making constant stupid puns like "pretty shitty state you're in" and "this day and age, you just don't expect this crap". I'm at the point where I want to gouge his eyes out with a goddamn spoon. FML

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By Username - 19/6/2011 18:08 - United States

Today, I went camping with my girlfriend and best friend. They are now having blood-curdling sex in our tent. My friend is also my ride home. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2014 04:47 - United States - Olive Branch

Today, I was talking to my brother about how careless people are. Minutes later, I shocked myself with my dog's shock-collar. FML

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By damn - 9/4/2014 21:12 - United States - Kenton

Today, I witnessed my roommate telling a girl that he has "really healthy shits". I wanted to make fun of him, but he got laid by said girl and I went home to jerk off. FML

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By zinka - 25/7/2009 22:17 - United States

Today, I took the bus to Boston. My bike is in Boston. My bike lock is in Boston. The key is in New York. FML

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By Nick - 20/7/2013 19:37 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was babysitting a little boy for the first time. He kept using all sorts of profanity toward me the whole evening, so I told his mom when she picked him up. She just grunted and muttered, "Fucking cunt-ass snitch." FML

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By anonymous - 19/2/2015 16:06 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, whilst walking to a primary school to give pupils a lesson on cleanliness, I tripped and landed on a dog turd. FML

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By LETMEOUT! - 18/9/2017 04:30

Today, despite being claustrophobic and avoiding lifts at all costs, I had to use the lift at work to carry boxes of paper to the 3rd floor. It broke down. FML

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By neveragain - 12/2/2016 19:10 - United Kingdom - Byfleet

Today, I ended up in the ER because I ruptured a testicle by accidentally sitting on it. Last time I ever go commando. FML

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By curly_eyelashes - 24/2/2013 14:30 - Canada - Windsor

Today, I realized that the "eyelash curling brush" that my best friend found in my old bathroom drawer was actually a stick used for cleaning food out of my sister's braces. I used that thing for years. FML

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By munckncruncj15 - 22/10/2009 04:19 - United States

Today, at lunch, a fly was buzzing around my food. I managed to kill the fly in my napkin in midair. I continued my lunch, pleased with my amazing ninja skills. When I was done with my lunch, I wiped my mouth with the napkin. I can still taste bug guts. Karma. FML

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By signinept - 18/9/2009 23:28 - United States

Today, I got really annoyed waiting for a bus that was supposed to come every 10 minutes. After a few minutes of waiting, I realized the "bus stop" was really a no parking sign. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2013 21:23 - United States - Plaquemine

Today, I showed up at my brother's house for a visit. Little did I know, there was a family gathering. My bestfriend was invited and I wasn't. She's "more fun and less awkward" than I am. FML

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By J.O.S - 21/3/2012 21:06 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I was stabbed in the chest. Not with a knife though, the under-wire from my bra escaped and stabbed me in the boob. FML

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By FML - 10/9/2017 16:00

Et tu, Brute?

Today, I returned home from my aunt's funeral abroad to find my boyfriend in bed with my sister, who claimed she was unable to fly due to the flu. FML

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By TheyHaveMyAddress - 6/3/2014 05:52 - United States - Jackson

Today, my boyfriend and I went to a restaurant so I could apply for a job, and we decided to eat there. After we finished, I went to start the car. When we got home, I asked him how much the bill came to. Apparently he didn't pay. I had already given them my completed application. FML

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By Lala - 10/9/2009 13:40 - Philippines

Today, I was sitting in my garden and having a cup of tea while watching some dragonflies. I thought the dragonflies were really pretty, so I ran towards them and tried to catch their tails like I used to when I was a kid. They were exotic wasps. Ouch. FML

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By Nick - 26/1/2010 21:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out I have a daughter. How did I find out? She added me on Facebook. FML

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By IncompatibleMetier - 9/10/2014 23:07 - France

Today, and for a long time, I've had a phobia of schools. I'm extremely stressed out about starting in a new school. Normal, right? Yes, except that I'm the teacher. FML

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Top comments

By ChrisPavs | 17

#6409378 - Sunday 13 September 2015 6:15

RKO OUTTA NOWHERE

By xXmrmayorXx | 21

#6409381 - Sunday 13 September 2015 6:17

That sucks, but you should probably be more careful next time.

Comments

By CaptainSmith28 | 19

#6409377 - Sunday 13 September 2015 6:15

No, FML, I would not like you to post to Facebook on my behalf.

By ChrisPavs | 17

#6409378 - Sunday 13 September 2015 6:15

RKO OUTTA NOWHERE

Reply

conman531 | 23

#6409452 - Sunday 13 September 2015 7:25

Now THAT nearly made me piss myself from laughing #2

Reply

Miss_Chevious | 37

#6409527 - Sunday 13 September 2015 9:57

I love how this FML is written

Reply

Wizardo | 33

#6409582 - Sunday 13 September 2015 12:46

WATCH OUT, WATCH OUT, WATCH OUT, WATCH OUT!!!

Reply

airforce987 | 20

#6409834 - Sunday 13 September 2015 19:44

Look at Randy Orton slithering around...

By xXmrmayorXx | 21

#6409381 - Sunday 13 September 2015 6:17

That sucks, but you should probably be more careful next time.

Reply

Ashamed_Sister | 60

#6409466 - Sunday 13 September 2015 7:42

On the other hand she seems to be very entertaining the way she is.

Reply

elcee1987 | 18

#6409921 - Sunday 13 September 2015 21:55

Gee. I bet OP hadn't thought of that.

By MLGxXxGHoST | 12

#6409383 - Sunday 13 September 2015 6:17

Sorry Op but that's pretty funny?

Reply

niallo | 23

#6409407 - Sunday 13 September 2015 6:34

Have to admit, I love OP. Mostly because of the way she wrote this. She has a great sense of humor.
But crap lady. Learn to look. We want you and your sense of humor to hang around.

By mounya | 19

#6409384 - Sunday 13 September 2015 6:17

We all have those days. Don't feel bad OP

By Beyto7000 | 20

#6409386 - Sunday 13 September 2015 6:17

And the winner by knockout.. the kitchen sink!

Reply

LAUGHINGKOMODO | 25

#6409396 - Sunday 13 September 2015 6:19

im guessing its the bathroom sink but who knows, maybe it was in the kitchen.

By yaboigabe | 8

#6409387 - Sunday 13 September 2015 6:18

Hey, at least you didn't actually get knocked out because of that.

By roxyroller20 | 15

#6409388 - Sunday 13 September 2015 6:18

Your boyfriend should've helped you out instead of laughing, FYL

Reply

thejonac | 21

#6409590 - Sunday 13 September 2015 13:07

honestly, it would have been really difficult trying not to laugh.

Reply

bibble27 | 9

#6409681 - Sunday 13 September 2015 15:53

Ya I'm sorry #8 I agree that he should have inquired if she was ok... But after laughing. And I'm sure he did. "Oh my God are you *laughs* ok..." That's what real friends do.

Reply

VonBlitzkrieg | 27

#6410823 - Monday 14 September 2015 21:33

Hey, everybody! Look at goodie two shoes over here!

By imerichello | 18

#6409395 - Sunday 13 September 2015 6:19

It could have been worse, you could have fell back into the toilet

Reply

msmedieval | 11

#6409513 - Sunday 13 September 2015 9:18

Now that made me laugh out loud!

By WitEluded | 13

#6409399 - Sunday 13 September 2015 6:22

Don't worry OP, even if you lost a few brain cells, I have a feeling your boyfriend probably isn't with you for your smarts.