Miscellaneous: Today, I walked into the kitchen and accidentally broke my mother's... - FML

By Cody - United States

Today, I walked into the kitchen and accidentally broke my mother's vase. I said, "Accidents happen." She replied, "Yeah, like your birth." FML

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Vulture

Karma chameleon

Please like me

By Gnomead

Why People Break Bad

Today, I got turned down for a home for low income people because my income was too low. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after months of hardcore flirting with this incredibly attractive guy, he invited me to hang out. At which point he introduced me to his boyfriend. FML

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By phishy - United States - Georgetown

Today, I got a call from a potential employer. Unfortunately, I couldn't understand the man due to his incoherent mumbling. I had to decline the job after asking him to repeat everything he said, over and over again. I still don't know exactly which job I declined. FML

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By friend - Israel - Rishon Le Zion

Today, I was babysitting a little girl, and we were playing with dolls. After we fed her babies, we put them down for a nap. After a few minutes, I asked if they'd had enough sleep. She looked at me like I was a freak and said, "Uh, they're not real babies, you know..." FML

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By Singlewife

Today my husband got drunk and wrecked the house. And when I say wrecked the house, I mean ripping everything off book shelves, Tearing the ceiling fan out of the wall, Opening the fridge and shoveling everything out. Glass everywhere. etc. and this isn’t the first time. I clean up every time. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Big brain bug

Today, my mother was leaving the house to attend her sister's funeral. Just as she was walking out the door, my brain experienced the most horrific shart imaginable, and I uttered through my reassuring smile, "Have a blast." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at work, a man came in wearing a very elaborate cowboy ensemble and went to talk to one of my coworkers. Once he left, I asked her how she knew a gay cowboy. She then explained that he's actually a farmer and her husband of ten years. FML

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By Entheatus - Canada

Today, I polished off the delicious iced gingerbread cookies in the pantry. I'd assumed the little flecks on them were speckles of broken icing, but as I went to throw the cookie bag away, a larva crawled out. The hundreds of flecks were moth eggs. I've been eating the cookies for three days. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I saw a car on the side on the highway with a popped tire. The driver didn't have a spare, so I nicely gave them mine. One hour later my tire popped. FML

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By jaym42013 - United States - Clovis

Today, I was fired for being late to work, even though the only reason I was late was because I had to stop at Starbucks to get my boss a drink. His son, who is at least 30 minutes late to work every day, was just walking in as I was walking out with all of my stuff. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Coeur D Alene

Today, I went on a date and ate in the park. When I crossed my legs under the table, I scraped my knee and got a lot of splinters in it. When I got back home and started digging out the splinters, my dad furiously demanded to know why I'd been on my knees during the date. FML

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By heartless - United States

Today, my mom told me she can't wait for me to turn eighteen so she can turn my room into a place for her to display all her antique glass dolls. FML

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By Criminal - United States

Today, I got a speeding ticket. I wrote a check, and on the way to deposit my fine, I got another one. I put both fines in a box down town, and I turned around to see a cop putting a parking ticket under my wind-shield wiper. FML

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By matt - 12/3/2021 08:01

People disprove

Today, I, a forty year-old man, went to the store with my teenage daughter and infant son. I got some very dirty looks. FML

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By hotpatata - United States

Today, I sneezed my jaw out of socket. Yes, this is possible. FML

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By wtf Homer? - 21/4/2021 00:30

Not into it

Today, my husband’s been dropping hints he wants to open our marriage. When I got home, a couple of his coworkers dropped by "for drinks". They tried to initiate group sex and figured I just needed to be talked into it. I was so mad, I couldn’t throw everyone out fast enough, including him. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Maidenhead

Today, I was talking to my best friend about how much of an asshole my ex-boyfriend is. After about 2 hours of non-stop bitching, turns out she's actually dating him. FML

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By post it - Australia - South Yarra

Today, I found out that when buying my $500 dollar dress I put my address as Austria instead of Australia. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I realized I get more pleasure from a tampon than my boyfriend I have been having sex with for the past six months. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, while I was out shopping, my pants decided that they just didn't have enough holes in them, and ripped a new one in the crotch. FML

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By dumbteacher

Today, my AP teacher once again accused me of plagiarism. Apparently the words "demise," "ultimately," and "rural," are too sophisticated for an 11th grade AP student to use and MUST have been copied from the Internet. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I had to give a sexual harassment seminar to my department. Someone put in a complaint that my example made them feel uncomfortable. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, after an hour of crying over a guy I like, I put on some Adele and sang along. My mom quickly took notice and came to give me advice, which was to "get over it" because he doesn't want me, and that "masturbation beats relationships hands down." Gee, thanks mom. FML

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By chubbs - United States - Vacaville

Today, after waiting 2 hours for my landlord to leave so I could take a shit in peace, I sat down on the toilet. The doorbell immediately rang. It was my landlord, who wanted to let me know that he had just backed into my car. FML

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By Marcela - United States

Today, I was taking a shower with my new boyfriend for the first time. Last night was the first night we spent together. As I was washing my hair, I looked down at my feet and noticed yellow water. Some of the warm water I felt on my feet was not from the shower head. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. While he was dumping me, he was holding hands with his new girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my Dad sent me an e-mail wishing me a "Happy 21st Birthday, sweetheart!" The message went on and on about how much he loves and misses me and wishes we were closer, and can't believe how fast I'm growing up. I'm 23 and my birthday is in December. FML

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By bglenney - United States

Today, for the first time in my life, I simultaneously sneezed, peed and farted. I was giving a presentation at work when this happened. FML

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By somebody - United States

Today, the babysitter not only clogged the toilet, they tried to unclog it with our vacuum cleaner hose. FML

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By ICantBelieveThis - United States

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend in her room. That means: Jonas Brothers posters on the wall, Jonas Brothers pillows, sheets, comforter and stuffed dog. After we did it, she apologized to her posters for having to see that, since they're pure. FML

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By ow my kidneys - Germany - Bad Oeynhausen

Today, I went down a water slide. Halfway through, I got stuck behind some kids who were blocking the tube. Seconds later, a big-boned lady crashed into my back. Her solution to break the blockade was to start kicking my back repeatedly as hard as she could. The kids still wouldn't move. FML

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By No thanks - United States

Today, I was sitting on a fence watching a friend play soccer. He accidentally kicked the ball at my face and made me fall off the fence into mud. I laughed it off and got back on the fence. Two seconds later he did the same exact thing. I fell wrong and slammed my face into the fence. Pain. FML

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By kraussy - United States

Today, I went to the eye doctor and they used dilating eye-drops on me. After I left, my vision was still pretty blurry. I walked to the subway and when I went to step onto the train, I missed and my whole left leg got stuck in the gap. The train was delayed 10 minutes because of me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a soccer game. A player from the other team hit me in the face. In the next half, she was the goalie and I was determined to score on her. When I finally got my chance to, everyone cheered, until I kicked the ball into the goal post and it bounced back and hit me in the face. FML

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By kidneystoner - United States

Today, I passed my kidney stone. After thirteen hours of pain free joy, another one appeared. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Diego

Today, I came home to find out my roommate sold my PS4, because, "You don't use it anymore." FML

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By Michael - United States

Today, I found the source of the bad smell that has been plaguing me for the past two weeks in my apartment. The police knocked on my door asking if I've seen my neighbor recently. I haven't. The smell has been that of a dead person. It's a smell that even Febreze can't remove. FML

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By Holymoly - Netherlands

Today, I woke up with a hangover and my girlfriend seemed pissed at me. It took me a while before I remembered having sex the night before. I just didn't know exactly what had happened after that had pissed her off. Then I realized nothing happened, because I fell asleep while she was on top of me. FML

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By Booooolette - France - Beauvais

Today, I managed to fracture my shoulder blade and dislocate my shoulder, just by falling off a deckchair. FML

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By nice guys finish last - United States - Smyrna

Today, a kid in class dropped his paper on the floor. I held on to my desk with one hand and reached for the paper with my other hand. I lost balance and tilted both my chair and desk over, nailing the floor as everything on my desk hit the ground with me. He picked the paper up himself. FML

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Top comments

By texmas | 0

#20278 - Saturday 7 March 2009 23:37

Well, that was an incredibly rude reply to breaking something that belonged to someone else.

By Spinach | 0

#20310 - Saturday 7 March 2009 23:55

Yeah, your first reaction should have been "I'm sorry," not "shit happens."

COMMENTS

By texmas | 0

#20278 - Saturday 7 March 2009 23:37

Well, that was an incredibly rude reply to breaking something that belonged to someone else.

Reply

Fab0luZ | 0

#955608 - Wednesday 17 March 2010 0:40

lmfao.! Mother Win.!

Reply

b182link | 0

#968861 - Saturday 27 March 2010 0:09

my mom would say that too lol, but jist kidding

Reply

theking12369 | 0

#1002734 - Sunday 23 May 2010 0:21

that's a good comeback hahah

Reply

hippo23 | 0

#1034560 - Friday 18 June 2010 6:31

haha your kinda a jerk for saying that OP, ur mom is awesome btw!!

Reply

areforever | 0

#1254008 - Tuesday 17 August 2010 0:13

Daaaaaamn

Reply

isaiaha11 | 2

#1471407 - Wednesday 29 September 2010 2:43

PWN!

By beejay13 | 0

#20284 - Saturday 7 March 2009 23:41

That's so mean... =(

Reply

Adrian66_fml | 0

#971684 - Wednesday 31 March 2010 5:54

Oh, get over it. So what? You were an accident. Boo freakin whoo.

Reply

zac12345 | 0

#974030 - Sunday 4 April 2010 18:54

^^^^ this
what's the insult in being an accident? you're here aren't you?

Reply

jannie22 | 0

#2252210 - Monday 28 March 2011 2:03

mean

By Checkitawwt | 0

#20298 - Saturday 7 March 2009 23:52

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

Topasofmagic | 17

#5520362 - Tuesday 4 June 2013 10:31

3- It wasn't that mean, considering that op didn't even say sorry. The vase maybe meant allot to the mother and op just said "accidents happen". And I don't see how it's mean to say that op was an accident, she was still wanted considering that they didn't do an abortion...
Ps. This is my first comment on this site, so be gentle with the down votes... :)

Reply

Llamalamp26 | 11

#5802245 - Monday 23 December 2013 7:33

Has anyone thought of the fact that maybe their mom was joking... •o•/ NO WAY!

By McZeal | 0

#20308 - Saturday 7 March 2009 23:54

your mom's a bitch

By Spinach | 0

#20310 - Saturday 7 March 2009 23:55

Yeah, your first reaction should have been "I'm sorry," not "shit happens."

By snakeye_fml | 0

#20313 - Saturday 7 March 2009 23:55

ouch want some ice for that burn?

Reply

iplaylax | 0

#860970 - Tuesday 16 February 2010 6:16

she dropped his ass

By Zuriel45 | 0

#20316 - Saturday 7 March 2009 23:57

Accidents do happen

By sasha717 | 0

#20319 - Saturday 7 March 2009 23:57

awwwww :[

By dang_fml | 0

#20320 - Saturday 7 March 2009 23:57

agree with #5, and lol @ #6 but dang, ur mom is mean!

Reply

nunes36 | 20

#1511139 - Thursday 7 October 2010 10:25

wahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!

By may_cause_fail | 0

#20324 - Sunday 8 March 2009 0:00

You probably should have apologized before saying that, but still. That's harsh. :[