Miscellaneous: Today, I walked into the kitchen and accidentally broke my mother's... - FML

By Cody - United States

Today, I walked into the kitchen and accidentally broke my mother's vase. I said, "Accidents happen." She replied, "Yeah, like your birth." FML

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Messed up

Who's a good boy?

Generosity

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Everything is clean

Today, I went to the bank to deposit the cash I made waiting tables. While the teller was counting, I apologized for having so many small bills and she said "It's OK honey, I helped another one of your kind just the other day. You're lucky we take your dirty money." She thought I was a stripper. FML

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By Preggers

Such a helpful kitty!

Today, my cat has taken it upon herself to provide for the heavily pregnant lady. So far I've been presented with a mouse and 3 birds. I know they're for me because she meows until I see them, then walks away again. FML

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By dadyoureacunt - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my dad made a big show of sending me to my room and grounding me for a week. Not because he heard me cursing at my video game, but because I "swear like a little girl" and it embarrassed him in front of his friends. FML

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By hunchback of notre bite - Korea, Republic of

Today, I was in the shower with my boyfriend, and things started to get heated. That's where it all went to hell; I slipped and fell, bringing down with me the curtain and grooming products, and putting my back out. There goes my sex life. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2020 14:05

Pushover

Today, my in-laws invited themselves to stay at my house for a few days. They live out of state and have been self-quarantining for months. The reason for visiting? So they can throw a party for extended family at our house. Guess who'll end up doing all the work and clean up? FML

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By onepussytwopussy - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time, and I tried to be sexy by raking my nails down his back. I guess I did it a little too hard, because he shrieked in pain, leapt off me, and limped around the room cursing and whimpering. Mood ruined. FML

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By Milked Richard - Australia - Wagga Wagga

Today, I woke up with my penis taped inside a milk bottle. Yes, I'm as baffled as you are. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I woke up and found a turd casually sitting in the bathroom sink. Just 9 more months left on this lease. FML

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By eyes wide SHIT - Australia

Today, I spotted a huge spider in my bedroom. I freaked out at first, but I managed to confront my arachnophobia and killed it with a book. I was ecstatic and went to tell my boyfriend. By the time I returned to my room, the "dead" spider had vanished. Now I'm too scared to sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/5/2020 17:00

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Today, I was getting frisky with my husband under the covers in bed. My son decided to run into our room and cannonball on top of my husband. This startled him, which caused him to bite me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to my son's soccer game. I cheered his name at the top my lungs and waved with a grin on my face. I saw him whisper something to a team mate so I watched the film my husband took later that night. His friend asked, "Who is that?" and my son replied, "I don't know some fat bitch." FML

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By Jekyll - United States - Norwell

Today, I decided that after three days, I had to cut short my hiatus from social media. I saw a correlation between that and my anxiety going through the roof, causing my work performance to suffer. I’m so addicted to social media that in my off time, I think I was having withdrawal symptoms. FML

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By Should I stay or go? - United States - Seattle

Today, I was supposed to hear from my supervisor about whether or not my company was going to be letting me go. I've been on continual probation for the last 6 months, waiting to hear when they'll decide. She'd said last Friday that I'd definitely hear from her today. It's now 5:30 p.m. She's gone home. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my father passed away. I called my boss to let him know about the situation. His only response before hanging up: "Shit, dude. Well, I'll see you in the morning, these reports won't write themselves." FML

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By gfg - Romania

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex at his house. When we got there, he checked his mail box first and noticed that his Wii game arrived. He sent me home so he can play. FML

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By fd - United States

Today, my partner and I were informed by the man we had a three-way with, the first one after having finally screwed up the courage to do it, that he has mono. I don't feel so good. FML

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By :/ - United States - Alpharetta

Today, I finally worked up enough courage to ask out the guy I've had a crush on for months. I texted him, and he thought I was Maddy from work, not Maddie his neighbor. Now he and the Maddy from his work are dating. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Ashburton

Today, trying to be a good role model for the kids behind me, I stopped and thoroughly checked both sides of the road before crossing. I still managed to get hit by a car. FML

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By squad - United States - Washington

My first time

Today, I lost my virginity with my boyfriend. As he was about to cum, I moaned his brother's name. I've never even met his brother and now I'm single. FML

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By destiny147 - United Kingdom

Today, I posted a picture of my boyfriend and I kissing on facebook. He untagged himself. FML

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By DanteWest1000 - United States - Papillion

Today, I was texting my girlfriend about cross dressing and I said, "It would be hard for me to conceal my weapon." She instantly replied, "Not really, it's like finding a needle in a haystack, you'll be alright." FML

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By fml7458364838 - United States

Today, I was texting the girl I am in love with. I was dropping hints about liking someone who I didn't know if they liked me back. Flirting a little. And just when I thought she'd say she liked me too, she said "Don't worry, if you were straight, I would definitely date you!". FML

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By anonymous - United States - Marysville

Today, when my son gets mad in a store, he will scream stranger danger and run away from me, and to an employee, and ask for help. FML

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By angry girlfriend - United States - West Harrison

Today, I found out that the reason my boyfriend hasn't texted me recently is that he'd forgotten he was dating anyone. FML

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By wtbfiber - United States

Today, my stomach muscles are still sore from yesterday. Not because I was doing sit-ups or working out or anything, but because I have to work that hard to take a dump. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I think I found out just how many times I've ordered through UberEats when my delivery guy told me that, "We should stop seeing each other like this!" with a chuckle. FML

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By carson28 - United States

Today, I saw a homeless man on the corner, I thought I would be generous and give him some cash. I rolled down my window and waved my hand for him to come over. As he was walking over, he was struck by another car. FML

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By oops... - Canada - Sylvan Lake

Today, my daughter was going to Bulk Barn so I asked her to pick me up something to snack on. When she got home, she brought over a bag and without listening to her explain what it was, I began eating it. She looked at me confused, then began laughing. It was a dog treat. FML

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By notwasted39 - United States

Today, I was walking to my mailbox and I fell down and couldn't get up. My neighbor walked by with his dog, took one look at me struggling, said "What is wrong with kids these days, drunk at 9am" and continued on. I couldn't get up because I am still healing from a stress fracture in my hip. FML

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By trisha - United States - Wellesley Hills

Today, my husband and I agreed that he would name our first born and I would name our second. He's dead-set on naming our child "Raindropp" no matter whether it's a boy or girl. FML

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By iTried - United States - Houston

Today, I found out my best friend was cheating on her boyfriend. After confronting her boyfriend and showing him proof, he responded with denial and didn't believe me. Now my whole circle of friends not only think I'm trying to start a rumor, but that I'm a home wrecker. FML

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By zachadams - United States - Buffalo

Today, at a family party, my uncles were complimenting my mom on her pies. I cooked them. She took all the credit. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I had a 10 hour drive to Las Vegas with only 2 CDs, Taylor Swift and Jason Mraz, and my girlfriend who thinks she's a good singer. FML

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By ColdStones - Norway - Bergen

Today, I was skating in the city when I slipped and fractured my arm. As I was lying in pain, a guy walked up to me, frisked my pocket and took my wallet. He then said: "It's nothing personal." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at my friend's house, I decided to climb up on a shelf and pounce on him when he came back downstairs. When I heard someone coming, I assumed it was him and pounced. It was his grandma carrying the laundry. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2020 20:02

Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to

Today, during a deep conversation with my girlfriend of 6 months, I asked her if the guy she had cheated on me once with a few months back had a bigger “tool” than me. She said yes. So I asked, "How much bigger are we talking about?" Her response was "Probably like twice the size." FML

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By fuck you sis

Loyalty card

Today, my parents lectured me about the importance of family, and how forgiveness is necessary. This came after I stopped speaking to my sister. I cut her out of my life after she slept with a second boyfriend of mine. Apparently, it’s up to me to "be the bigger person." FML

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By Jimii Liu - United States

Today, I had a date with a woman. She brought her dog along. Every time when I touched her, the jealous male dog began to bark and tried to bite me. FML

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By fatflabbyfail - United States

Today, after having my bath, I realised that I've gotten so fat that I have to lift up my butt cheeks in order to dry underneath them. FML

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By mel - United States

Today, I had a stressful day at work and decided to go in the jacuzzi. I hadn't used it for a year, so it was a little dirty. After I cleaned it, filled it up, and jumped in, I pressed the jets. Immediately, thousands of dead moths shot out at full speed towards me. FML

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Top comments

By texmas | 0

#20278 - Saturday 7 March 2009 23:37

Well, that was an incredibly rude reply to breaking something that belonged to someone else.

By Spinach | 0

#20310 - Saturday 7 March 2009 23:55

Yeah, your first reaction should have been "I'm sorry," not "shit happens."

COMMENTS

By texmas | 0

#20278 - Saturday 7 March 2009 23:37

Well, that was an incredibly rude reply to breaking something that belonged to someone else.

Reply

Fab0luZ | 0

#955608 - Wednesday 17 March 2010 0:40

lmfao.! Mother Win.!

Reply

b182link | 0

#968861 - Saturday 27 March 2010 0:09

my mom would say that too lol, but jist kidding

Reply

theking12369 | 0

#1002734 - Sunday 23 May 2010 0:21

that's a good comeback hahah

Reply

hippo23 | 0

#1034560 - Friday 18 June 2010 6:31

haha your kinda a jerk for saying that OP, ur mom is awesome btw!!

Reply

areforever | 0

#1254008 - Tuesday 17 August 2010 0:13

Daaaaaamn

Reply

isaiaha11 | 2

#1471407 - Wednesday 29 September 2010 2:43

PWN!

By beejay13 | 0

#20284 - Saturday 7 March 2009 23:41

That's so mean... =(

Reply

Adrian66_fml | 0

#971684 - Wednesday 31 March 2010 5:54

Oh, get over it. So what? You were an accident. Boo freakin whoo.

Reply

zac12345 | 0

#974030 - Sunday 4 April 2010 18:54

^^^^ this
what's the insult in being an accident? you're here aren't you?

Reply

jannie22 | 0

#2252210 - Monday 28 March 2011 2:03

mean

By Checkitawwt | 0

#20298 - Saturday 7 March 2009 23:52

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Topasofmagic | 17

#5520362 - Tuesday 4 June 2013 10:31

3- It wasn't that mean, considering that op didn't even say sorry. The vase maybe meant allot to the mother and op just said "accidents happen". And I don't see how it's mean to say that op was an accident, she was still wanted considering that they didn't do an abortion...
Ps. This is my first comment on this site, so be gentle with the down votes... :)

Reply

Llamalamp26 | 11

#5802245 - Monday 23 December 2013 7:33

Has anyone thought of the fact that maybe their mom was joking... •o•/ NO WAY!

By McZeal | 0

#20308 - Saturday 7 March 2009 23:54

your mom's a bitch

By Spinach | 0

#20310 - Saturday 7 March 2009 23:55

Yeah, your first reaction should have been "I'm sorry," not "shit happens."

By snakeye_fml | 0

#20313 - Saturday 7 March 2009 23:55

ouch want some ice for that burn?

Reply

iplaylax | 0

#860970 - Tuesday 16 February 2010 6:16

she dropped his ass

By Zuriel45 | 0

#20316 - Saturday 7 March 2009 23:57

Accidents do happen

By sasha717 | 0

#20319 - Saturday 7 March 2009 23:57

awwwww :[

By dang_fml | 0

#20320 - Saturday 7 March 2009 23:57

agree with #5, and lol @ #6 but dang, ur mom is mean!

Reply

nunes36 | 20

#1511139 - Thursday 7 October 2010 10:25

wahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!

By may_cause_fail | 0

#20324 - Sunday 8 March 2009 0:00

You probably should have apologized before saying that, but still. That's harsh. :[