Today, I walked into the kitchen and accidentally broke my mother's... - FML

By Cody - 7/3/2009 18:15 - United States

Today, I walked into the kitchen and accidentally broke my mother's vase. I said, "Accidents happen." She replied, "Yeah, like your birth." FML

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Get me away from here, I'm dying

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Ambien conversations are the worst

By clumsy - 4/1/2011 15:47

Today, while walking on the sidewalk with my boyfriend, I slipped and fell. Not only did he not help me get up or ask if I was okay, he got mad at me for embarrassing him in public. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2015 19:18 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was flirting with a cute girl at a club. She seemed into me and said I was hot. I said thanks and grinned. I guess my grin looked psychopathic, because her expression turned to horror and she quickly excused herself. That was the only girl who's ever shown any interest in me. FML

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By Oh no - 13/10/2018 03:00

Today, I went searching for my old school laptop only to find that my stepdad had swiped it and given it to his mother. My sex tapes and nudes are on it. FML

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By Betsydoll - 29/3/2009 03:34 - United States

Today, after a tiff with my boyfriend, I said to him, "You could at least PRETEND to love me sometimes." He responded with, "I do pretend to love you!" FML

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By Anon - 7/11/2009 00:32 - United Kingdom

Today, I arranged the food on my plate in a smiley face to try and make myself feel better. I'm a 38 year old man. It worked. FML

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By ew - 3/11/2015 15:43 - United States - Pickens

Today, my dad got dressed up in formal clothes, and I asked what the occasion was. He said he had a hot date, which would've been fine if he hadn't told me what was "on the menu", namely "wining, dining, sixty-nining". Thanks for that image. FML

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By Wally - 8/5/2009 15:20 - Canada

Today, I got to sleep in late for the first time in 3 years, as wife took our two young daughters out of town to visit with her parents. I told my mother that I was really looking forward to being able to sleep in this morning. The phone rang at 7:30. It was my mother asking me how I slept. FML

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By Just me - 9/9/2011 23:48 - United States

Today, I found out that the man who offered to put up the woman I love in exchange for me helping out with his rent, has in fact been her "other" boyfriend since before she moved in. FML

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By anonymous - 9/9/2012 06:15 - United States

Today, I tripped over my dog and landed on my face while trying to prove to my father that I can walk and chew gum at the same time. FML

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By painedandpissed - 10/8/2014 16:42 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I called my boyfriend and invited him over to watch a movie. He was all for it, until I mentioned I was on my period, at which point he said "NOPE." and hung up on me. FML

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By me - 18/6/2011 23:54 - United States

Today, I was on a flight home. I wasn't going to arrive until midnight, so I was offered an earlier flight that got back at ten. I got to baggage claims and it turned out they lost my bag. I sat there for 2 hours. The people on my original flight left for home before I did. FML

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By unexpected_failure - 22/11/2010 18:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I was showing my Mom how to use the Internet on her phone. As there was bad reception, it said "Unexpected Failure." Seeing it, she muttered under her breath, "Just like you, then..." FML

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By Noname - 2/2/2009 04:31 - United States

Today, I was looking after my parents house and their wiener dog, and fell asleep on the couch. The dog climbed onto my shoulders and rested behind my head like a doggie neck pillow. All was great until she farted right in my left ear. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2014 05:06 - United States - Arlington Heights

Today, I went to a café and got some soup. When I was done, a nice waiter came over and offered to take my mostly empty soup bowl. I quickly at the last of it, looked up smiling and said "thanks". The soup dribbled out of my mouth and onto his hand. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2018 23:30

Today, I got home from work, took a shower, got ready for bed, and laid down right in cat piss. Now I'm shampooing the mattress and taking another shower just to sleep on the couch. FML

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By violatedinden - 24/8/2009 00:57 - United States

Today, my next door neighbor told me that he liked the carpet in my bedroom. I live alone. He's never been in my bedroom. FML

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By Noname - 13/3/2009 23:04 - United States

Today, I needed money to go to the movie. I asked my mom if I could reach in her purse and grab a few bucks. When I opened up her purse her phone started to vibrate. I yelled over to my mom that her phone was ringing. She said the phone was next to her. I looked in the purse. It was a vibrator. FML

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By Hello Nurse - 24/9/2012 04:32 - United States - El Macero

Today, a very attractive man asked me out. I'd have been flattered if I weren't the nurse assigned to his laboring wife. FML

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By don't cry over spilled milk - 23/11/2016 14:33 - United States - Elmendorf Afb

Today, after struggling with breastfeeding and trying to build up my milk supply, I was finally able to pump a full 6 oz! I celebrated by immediately spilling it all over my lap. FML

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By gb - 18/8/2011 05:18 - Australia

Today, I was dancing with the 4 hottest girls I've ever seen at a club, and I fainted. FML

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By Jedi - 20/2/2009 06:16 - United States

Today, after class, my teacher pulled me aside and said "You know, I never received the e-mail regarding your disabilities that your parents mentioned. Could you have them resend it?" What disabilities? FML

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By KingUrge - 26/4/2013 08:36 - United States - Victorville

Today, as I was walking down the street, a car full of hot girls pulled up and asked if I wanted to party; obviously, I said yes. They then shot at me with party poppers and threw party food all over me. FML

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By Wilhelm - 26/4/2016 14:47 - Philippines - Makati

Today, I heard water dripping at the back of our house. I went to investigate, only to find a man peeing on our garden gnome. FML

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By Sam - 25/6/2014 05:10 - United States - San Francisco

Today, as a recruiter, I had an interview with a promising candidate for an open position at my company. The interview was going well until the candidate interrupted me halfway through to take a selfie. FML

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By Thanh Quang - 31/1/2011 05:58

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she met someone else on World of Warcraft. I've been paying for her subscription. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2013 06:29 - United States

Today, a friend and I were walking around a festival when out of nowhere a giant bug hit me in the face. I went into instant ninja mode, screaming and flailing. When I stopped, I realized it was just a leaf and everyone was staring at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2018 22:24

Today, I went to a support group for my porn addiction. I was hoping I wouldn't recognize anyone there. The first person I recognized was my dad, and the second was one of my professors. FML

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By Bliss - 9/2/2009 18:24 - United States

Today, I gave my drink to a girl who I got with previously and started to dance with her. She backed off after a few seconds, took my drink and danced with my friend who was standing right next to me. FML

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By chevygirl51 - 28/5/2014 21:12 - United States

Today, I took my driving test. It was all going well until out of habit from driving with my boyfriend, I reached over and held my instructor's hand. FML

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By TheFlash - 22/6/2009 01:15 - United States

Today, I was down at Disney World. Me and my buddy decided to take our pictures in a photobooth. While in the tiny space, I thought it'd be funny to flash the camera. A women barged in as soon as I did so, screaming "You know there's an outside video feed, right!?" FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2017 14:00

Today, while doing a project on income, my teacher told me there are no houses in Japan. I told her I lived in Mitaka for 3 years and that I lived in a house there. She told me I was bullshitting. So much for quality education. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2020 16:01 - Australia - Brisbane

Prison Break

Today, I went to my daughter's best friends birthday party, only to find my ex there, who is now sleeping with the mother, who has a fiancé in prison, who isn't going to be happy when he gets out. Most awkward kids birthday party ever. FML

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By Stressed - 24/9/2018 22:00

Today, I got promoted. By promoted, I mean, given a much harder job with no training and no extra pay because someone went on maternity leave. They've already hired someone for my old position. FML

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By anonomous - 7/4/2012 15:27 - United States

Today, after years of secretly faking my orgasms, my husband gave me my first real one. Afterward was also the first time he ever accused me of faking it because, "It was different from all the other times." FML

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By haley - 16/11/2018 14:00

Today, while in a parking lot, I accidentally cut someone off out of pure nervousness as I'm a new driver. I got out of my car to apologize, and they responded by beating me and my car to a pulp with a baseball bat. FML

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By pretty princess - 1/2/2009 08:55 - United States

Today, my cat, who is very 'don't-ever-touch-me', jumped up next to me as if she wanted to be stroked. In reality, she wanted to share a hellish fart. I need a new cat. FML

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By CH - 7/12/2009 06:06 - United States

Today, I pretended to smoke a bread stick that looked like a cigar. It made me feel cool. FML

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By nerd - 18/6/2009 14:15 - Finland

Today, I was driving in my car when out of the corner of my eye I notice a car pulling up next to me trying to get past me. I speed up, so as not to let the car pass me. It took me a while before I noticed I was racing against the shadow of my own car. FML

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By bruh_im18 - 17/9/2016 16:18 - United States - Metairie

Today, I found out the 28-year-old I am dating is actually 48. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2012 00:15 - United States

Today, my eight-year-old son thought that if he swallowed soap, his farts would smell like soap. The smell of vomit and diarrhea now permeating my house is proof of how wrong he was. FML

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Top comments

By texmas | 0

#20278 - Saturday 7 March 2009 23:37

Well, that was an incredibly rude reply to breaking something that belonged to someone else.

By Spinach | 0

#20310 - Saturday 7 March 2009 23:55

Yeah, your first reaction should have been "I'm sorry," not "shit happens."

COMMENTS

By texmas | 0

#20278 - Saturday 7 March 2009 23:37

Well, that was an incredibly rude reply to breaking something that belonged to someone else.

Reply

Fab0luZ | 0

#955608 - Wednesday 17 March 2010 0:40

lmfao.! Mother Win.!

Reply

b182link | 0

#968861 - Saturday 27 March 2010 0:09

my mom would say that too lol, but jist kidding

Reply

theking12369 | 0

#1002734 - Sunday 23 May 2010 0:21

that's a good comeback hahah

Reply

hippo23 | 0

#1034560 - Friday 18 June 2010 6:31

haha your kinda a jerk for saying that OP, ur mom is awesome btw!!

Reply

areforever | 0

#1254008 - Tuesday 17 August 2010 0:13

Daaaaaamn

Reply

isaiaha11 | 2

#1471407 - Wednesday 29 September 2010 2:43

PWN!

By beejay13 | 0

#20284 - Saturday 7 March 2009 23:41

That's so mean... =(

Reply

Adrian66_fml | 0

#971684 - Wednesday 31 March 2010 5:54

Oh, get over it. So what? You were an accident. Boo freakin whoo.

Reply

zac12345 | 0

#974030 - Sunday 4 April 2010 18:54

^^^^ this
what's the insult in being an accident? you're here aren't you?

Reply

jannie22 | 0

#2252210 - Monday 28 March 2011 2:03

mean

By Checkitawwt | 0

#20298 - Saturday 7 March 2009 23:52

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Topasofmagic | 17

#5520362 - Tuesday 4 June 2013 10:31

3- It wasn't that mean, considering that op didn't even say sorry. The vase maybe meant allot to the mother and op just said "accidents happen". And I don't see how it's mean to say that op was an accident, she was still wanted considering that they didn't do an abortion...
Ps. This is my first comment on this site, so be gentle with the down votes... :)

Reply

Llamalamp26 | 11

#5802245 - Monday 23 December 2013 7:33

Has anyone thought of the fact that maybe their mom was joking... •o•/ NO WAY!

By McZeal | 0

#20308 - Saturday 7 March 2009 23:54

your mom's a bitch

By Spinach | 0

#20310 - Saturday 7 March 2009 23:55

Yeah, your first reaction should have been "I'm sorry," not "shit happens."

By snakeye_fml | 0

#20313 - Saturday 7 March 2009 23:55

ouch want some ice for that burn?

Reply

iplaylax | 0

#860970 - Tuesday 16 February 2010 6:16

she dropped his ass

By Zuriel45 | 0

#20316 - Saturday 7 March 2009 23:57

Accidents do happen

By sasha717 | 0

#20319 - Saturday 7 March 2009 23:57

awwwww :[

By dang_fml | 0

#20320 - Saturday 7 March 2009 23:57

agree with #5, and lol @ #6 but dang, ur mom is mean!

Reply

nunes36 | 20

#1511139 - Thursday 7 October 2010 10:25

wahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!

By may_cause_fail | 0

#20324 - Sunday 8 March 2009 0:00

You probably should have apologized before saying that, but still. That's harsh. :[