Today, I got my first tattoo. It was a surprise for my fiancé:... - FML

By anon - 8/3/2009 08:47 - United States

Today, I got my first tattoo. It was a surprise for my fiancé: our names together over a heart. I went home but before I could show him, he said we had to have a 'talk.' Now my ex's name is tattooed on my back. The kicker? Turns out I'm allergic to the ink. FML

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Great boyfriend

The student becomes the master

Vultures

By shadowmuppet - 31/3/2017 20:00 - United States - Bronx

Today, I learned the joy of getting a brand new leather jacket and then watching my date drunkenly throw up all over my arm. FML

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By BreakingTheMood - 13/11/2013 18:08 - Finland - Vanda

Today, in the small hours of the morning, my roommate's boyfriend kicked his foot through the thin wall separating our bedrooms during sex. They didn't even stop. FML

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By laurencoc - 31/8/2015 22:50 - Australia - Perth

Today, I dyed my hair purple. I came out of the salon and a little girl walked past and said, "Wow, you look like a mermaid!", to which her mother quickly said, "No she doesn't, she looks like her parents don't love her." FML

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By Nosexever? - 25/10/2018 13:30

Today, my husband started a new job as an OTR truck driver. He was assigned one week of home time each month, which happens to be the same exact week my period comes every month. FML

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By Haze - 24/11/2015 03:25 - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, my parents finally fulfilled my childhood dream and got a puppy, after years of me nagging at them. The only downside is that I no longer live at home and he's not mine. FML

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By piss off - 8/4/2016 22:05 - United States - Vancouver

Today, a customer at the fast-food joint I work at gave me a pitying look and asked "How's that liberal arts degree treating ya?" FML

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By Rachel247 - 1/8/2009 23:13 - Israel

Today, we had a hike at my camp. We hiked in a line. I suddenly felt things hitting me at the back of the head. After a few minutes I finally turn around, only to discover a bunch of older guys throwing tampons at my head. They were my tampons, falling one by one out of my unzipped bag. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2010 00:19 - United States

Today, I pretended like I was dead to my 4 year old brother. He cried my name for a couple of seconds, then took my iPhone out of my hands and ran away laughing. FML

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By andromeda80 - 28/3/2012 13:52 - United States - Lakewood

Today, someone spray painted a black skull on the side of my house. We painted over it and installed lights to hopefully persuade intruders not to vandalize the property because it would be a bright area. The lights were stolen. FML

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By ddriver100 - 5/6/2019 18:00

Today, I picked up some of my friends from a bar downtown. They were pretty drunk and were yelling stupid things at people walking by. After stopping to let a fat guy cross the street, they yelled, "Hurry up fatty!" He responded by throwing his milkshake at my car. FML

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By notsohappy - 18/2/2009 21:14 - United States

Today, was the first time I had sex with a guy I really like. I took off my shirt and my bra and he said "wow, that's disappointing." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2009 19:02 - United States

Today, as I was walking through the park I had to yawn. In mid-yawn, with my mouth wide open, I walked right through a spider web getting both the spider and the prey it was eating stuck in my mouth. FML

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By manhandled - 1/2/2012 18:05 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. He picked me up and threw me over his shoulder to take me to his room. He wasn't careful enough, and dropped me right on my head, on the hardwood floor. I ended up vomiting and came down with a headache. He still wanted to have sex. FML

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By ohmaigawd - 14/9/2011 16:59 - Argentina

Today, my boyfriend proposed by painting his chest with "marry me?" and an arrow going down. The ring was attached to his penis with a string. FML

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By annababyyyy - 10/11/2014 05:01 - United States - Rockville

Today, my boyfriend pretended to be reading braille while touching my chest acne. FML

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By Liav - 23/1/2017 12:00

Today, I took my "girlfriend" to a nice restaurant to celebrate our first month anniversary, only to find out she didn't even know we're dating, but only "friends who have sex sometimes." FML

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By Savviecat97 - 25/7/2019 00:01

Today, I finally got to see the results of the new timesheet I made to make things simpler for both the employees and the managers. Apparently, 75% of them don't know how to read. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2012 03:07 - United States

Today, my biology teacher assigned us partners for a project. I got paired up with one of the smartest kids in the class. When he found out I was his partner, he cried. FML

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By SapphireRaven - 7/9/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I found out that I was denied for work study eligibility by my college. I went to my financial advisor to ask why. It wasn't my grades or attendance. Apparently my father makes too much money for me to get a job at the school. My dad was fired 3 months ago and has been out of work since. FML

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By littlemissgullible - 10/3/2010 01:17 - United States

Today, I was talking to an ex who I still love. He told me how much he wanted to see me, how much he missed me, and we started talking about when we could spend the day at his house. I mentioned Saturday, and he said, "I can't, I have to take my fiancée to the doctor's to find out our baby's sex." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2010 02:33 - United States

Today, I lost my job because I was doing my work too quickly, getting too much done and the supervisor was afraid I was bored. I have only been here for 3 weeks and already had the best stats on the team. FML

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By toughbf - 27/9/2011 08:28 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend asked me to beat him up so he could look tough around his friends. When I just stared at him, he added, "Please don't break anything though. Nothing too serious." FML

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By TheThirdWheel - 4/6/2013 19:11 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, I found out my boyfriend is bringing his friends on our trip. I'm now the third wheel on the romantic trip we've planned for a year. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2017 23:15

Today, I married the beautiful girl I’ve been in love with since we were both 6 years old. By married, I mean I performed the marriage ceremony as the vicar and watched her smile and kiss her arsehole boyfriend, now husband, right in front of me. FML

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By HotelClerk - 22/1/2010 06:37 - United States

Today, somebody stopped by the front desk at the hotel I work at to report a vehicle had its headlights on. I wrote down the info, including the plate. Hours later, after my shift was over, I finally realized that it was MY vehicle. The battery was dead. FML

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By xUnluckyx - 18/3/2010 05:45 - Canada

Today, I was working, ripping siding off a house. I pulled off a sheet that was over my head. I got rained with what I thought was woodchips that was behind the siding. Turns out they were dead grasshoppers. Guess what I found in my bra after work. FML

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By ReallyUniverse?? - 18/3/2018 19:00

Today, at work as a dog groomer, two dogs gave me bloody bites, completely unprompted. I went home in tears, so my family got Chinese takeout to cheer me up. My fortune cookie read, "It is not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog that counts." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2019 22:00

You snooze, you lose

Today, I got turned down by the person who has been wanting to date me for five months. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2010 21:55 - United States

Today, I asked my mother why she didn't drink. She laughed and said, "The last time I drank was the night you were conceived. I didn't need any other disasters." FML

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By GrandTheftArson - 9/3/2016 03:51 - Canada - Waterloo

Today, my ex stole my car keys. Good news is she can't drive stick. Bad news is she set my car on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2019 20:00

My stupidity

Today, I got my period and went clubbing. I had to change my tampon and stupidly I only brought one, when I unwrapped it, it fell on the floor, I had to wait in the girl's bathroom for 45 minutes for a random girl to give me a spare. FML.

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By heterolifepartner - 18/1/2010 06:03 - Australia

Today, I found out my boyfriend of two years role-plays on the internet, pretending to have sex with men. His response when I confronted him about it? "Which specific incidents are you referring to?" FML

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By aelia_oups - 31/12/2013 22:09 - France - Taverny

Today, as I have been for 10 years, I'm allergic to fruit. After an argument with my mother, she yelled, "Here, have a banana and go kill yourself!" FML

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By lvegadelgado_6 - 10/8/2015 14:32 - United States - Deerfield

Today, while I was doing my hair, my grandpa walked in, dropped his pants, and started taking a crap in the toilet right next to me. FML

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By fatty - 7/9/2019 20:00

Work it

Today, after a full year of vigorous exercise 7 days a week, and a strict diet of vegetables, fruits, and water, I can proudly say that I've lost half a pound. FML

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By freakedout - 8/8/2014 14:43 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in the doctor's waiting room. When I woke up, the room was empty, and there was a $1 bill tucked into my cleavage. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/12/2014 13:43 - Germany - Munich

Today, after finally finishing a huge internal rebranding project at work, which I've poured blood, sweat and tears into over the last 12 months, I found out we're being acquired by another company and that our new brand will no longer exist. FML

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By Catie - 13/5/2011 18:47 - United States

Today, my husband and I went to the state fair. The entire time, he complained about all the money we were losing because of the high prices of both rides and food. Towards the end of the night, we counted the cash we had left and found we were $50 short. Apparently, it fell out of his pocket. FML

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By _The__Doctor_ - 31/12/2013 22:44 - United States - Venice

Today, my skydiving instructor casually remarked that he wouldn't mind "diving into" me sometime. He was strapped to my back the whole way down. FML

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By dickhead - 10/4/2015 22:17 - United States

Today, I bought a garden gnome to spice up my lawn. Tonight, someone threw it right through my living room window. Not only will the repairs cost a ton, my neighbor keeps saying stupid shit to me, like "You must be shattered" and "Looks like you ain't got a window gnome... more." FML

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Top comments

By ohdamn_fml | 2

#21359 - Sunday 8 March 2009 16:19

This is why you never tattoo a name on yourself. Try something symbolic, that way if this happens, it's just a tattoo and doesn't have to mean anything anymore

By cheesey1 | 0

#21362 - Sunday 8 March 2009 16:21

That's the reason why the only names you tattoo on yourself are your kids and dead family members

Comments

By ohdamn_fml | 2

#21359 - Sunday 8 March 2009 16:19

This is why you never tattoo a name on yourself. Try something symbolic, that way if this happens, it's just a tattoo and doesn't have to mean anything anymore

Reply

greendaygirl999 | 5

#967506 - Wednesday 24 March 2010 23:03

I agree #1

Reply

vollyball921 | 0

#981203 - Sunday 18 April 2010 5:34

i wanna peace sign tattoo!!!! (-<)PeAcE(>-)

Reply

mystrey | 0

#2256242 - Monday 28 March 2011 18:51

God what the hell everyone knows that!!

Reply

DeadxManxWalking | 27

#2742392 - Thursday 23 June 2011 15:25

tribal FTW

By shady_angel | 0

#21360 - Sunday 8 March 2009 16:20

ahh that sucks, but doesnt everyone know u dont get a guy/girls name tattoed on to you unless you married, or you can see into the future n know you are always gonna be together??

By GeriSomething | 0

#21361 - Sunday 8 March 2009 16:21

ouch

By cheesey1 | 0

#21362 - Sunday 8 March 2009 16:21

That's the reason why the only names you tattoo on yourself are your kids and dead family members

By orangeninja | 0

#21369 - Sunday 8 March 2009 16:23

are u getting it removed?

By jujuburd | 0

#21374 - Sunday 8 March 2009 16:25

didn't angelina, Pamela Lee & Johnny Depp teach you anything?

By nomadxx7 | 0

#21378 - Sunday 8 March 2009 16:27

Golden Rule of Tattoos:

Never get a name of a current boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife on yourself. When the ink has dried they dump you. Honestly this has happened a lot to my friends and I don't know why it happens or is more anecdotal than anything but it has refrained me from getting my gf name since I'm pretty sure that as soon as I do I'll be getting the same talk. Silly superstition I know but just seems how it works out with tattoos.

Agree with everyone about getting some sort of tribal or something more of a design than a name. You want to do it for yourself and just in case the one you love dumps you.

By twilax101 | 0

#21379 - Sunday 8 March 2009 16:28

why is this in the sex category??

By frozen_heart | 0

#21391 - Sunday 8 March 2009 16:34

agree w/ number 4

By MissyMayhem | 0

#21393 - Sunday 8 March 2009 16:35

One more person in the lesson of "Never tattoo any names other than your CHILDREN on your body!"