Today, I was startled awake at 4am by a loud and awful sound. Completely serious, I asked my fiancé if he had just shit his pants. His response: giggles followed by a softly whispered "maybe". FML

by Anonymous / 02/01/2011 at 8:43am / United States / Love

Today, I was going through the history on my computer. Apparently, while I was at school my mother used my computer, and I now know my mother wants to learn how to make her breasts look larger, amongst other things. FML

by LonelyBoy / 02/01/2011 at 8:05am / Australia (New South Wales) / Intimacy

Today, I wrote a 2000 word essay on "Las Vegas - The City That Never Sleeps". I was proud of my work, until someone pointed out that New York is "The City That Never Sleeps", not Vegas. FML

by mmaisie / 02/01/2011 at 5:35am / United Kingdom (Buckinghamshire) / Work

Today, I realized that someone spray painted a giant black cock on the front of my house while I was asleep. I also just recently painted my entire house yellow. Yellow doesn't cover up black penis very well. FML

by Stormbringer / 02/01/2011 at 1:37am / Miscellaneous

Today, my boss called me Ashley. My name doesn't even start with an A. I even wear a name tag. You would think after nearly four years, your boss would remember your name. Every time he speaks to me, it's a different name. FML

by LynzG / 02/01/2011 at 12:56am / Work

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me and left me crying in the street. I then got a text from my mom saying how pathetic my love life was. Apparently, it was a mass text message and she accidentally added me to the list. FML

by isystuff / 02/01/2011 at 12:24am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to babysit two kids. I told them to stop fighting, or to sit on separate couches. They stopped. I asked why nobody would sit on the other couch, where I'd been sitting. They told me it was the couch their autistic brother often pees on. FML

by joxerthemighty39 / 01/31/2011 at 10:11pm / United States (North Carolina) / Kids

Today, I tried to save a dying bird I found on the sidewalk. I got a parking ticket for $114 in front of the animal hospital. I later found out the bird died. FML

by Wheresthebeefz / 01/31/2011 at 9:46pm / United States (New York) / Animals

Today, I politely complimented a stranger's excellent posture. She responded by saying "I have a metal rod in my back." FML

by Anonymous / 01/31/2011 at 9:39pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Health

Today, I decided to wake my fiancé up by giving him a blow-job. When he finally started to wake up he called me by his ex's name. FML

by MollyMadamme / 01/31/2011 at 7:33pm / Intimacy

Today, I was woken up to my family surrounding me with breakfast in bed and sweet 16 balloons. My birthday is in 3 months, and I will be 17. FML

by ad4 / 01/31/2011 at 6:11pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend finally got a Facebook account. Too bad she doesn't know the difference between a wall post and a message. She just described how much she enjoyed our sex last night, in great detail. My mom liked it. FML

by anon / 01/31/2011 at 5:46pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy

xMrAndyTranx's comment : why're you complaining now everyone knows you're a great fuck

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Today, at my job as a cashier, a very old man came through my checkout. His purchase consisted of a box of condoms and a can of whipped cream. The creepy smile he gave me has scarred me for life. FML

by yournick / 01/31/2011 at 4:23pm / Canada (Nova Scotia) / Intimacy