Today, my mom said we are having a party for the 4th of July. Her definition of a party is my grandma coming over. FML

by Kate / 07/04/2011 at 3:06pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got cock-blocked by the laundry. My boyfriend was the one who wanted to do laundry. FML

by Anonymous / 07/04/2011 at 12:09pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend's ex punched me so hard in the face, I couldn't see straight. But I got up anyway. I lunged at him, and nailed him in the jaw. Turns out I'd in fact just knocked out my girlfriend the on-looker. FML

by hero to zero / 07/04/2011 at 12:09pm / United States (New York) / Health

Big_Red_138's comment : Well that's misfortunate...hopefully she lunged back at you in a blind fury and beat the shit out of her ex.

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Today, I finished reading a book about the treatment of mental patients and decided to use some of the strategies on my dad. We've never gotten along better. FML

by Bekah / 07/04/2011 at 9:24am / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous

hannahtaskey's comment : Well, you know what that means....

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Today, while working as a cashier at McDonald's, a man came in telling me that he had not received his hamburger. I looked at his receipt and the date said 11/17/09. FML

by crudofalife / 07/04/2011 at 5:42am / United States (Illinois) / Work

PSQ91's comment : Give him a hamburger anyways. That crap is so cheep & he's probably some bum.

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Today, I found out that the 2 loud "firework booms" I heard were actually a guy shooting his dog on the unfinished road behind my house. FML

by oopsies / 07/04/2011 at 5:11am / United States / Animals

Today, for breakfast, there were scrambled eggs, boiled eggs, bacon, sausages, fresh bread, croissants, brownies, donuts, fruit smoothie, coffee, tea and orange juice. Too bad no one bothered wake me up. FML

by Gustav Fjorder / 07/04/2011 at 3:27am / Switzerland / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to drive my drunk parents home from a party. They leaned out the window and barked at everyone we passed all the way home. FML

by monquiqui / 07/04/2011 at 1:45am / United States (Hawaii) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to visit my great grandma. I saw that her dog had this red fluid on his ear, so I asked my grandma about it. She said she put red finger nail-polish in his ear so she could tell the difference between 'all' of her dogs. She only has one dog. FML

by emegemerald / 07/04/2011 at 12:13am / United States / Animals

Today, I was watching a home video of when my mom was pregnant with me. She had a beer in her hand. FML

by wastedbaby / 07/03/2011 at 10:02pm / United States (South Carolina) / Health

Today, my son called me from medical school, asking for a new phone. Why? Because he dropped it in the toilet. How? Trying to videotape his anus while taking a dump. I pay $80,000 a year just to hear he took a dump on his phone. FML

by WasteOMoney / 07/03/2011 at 9:50pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, my sister confessed to me that she sold some of my old shirts to the girl who's stalking me. This explains why I got a note that read, "I have your scent, now I can track you." FML

by beablue18 / 07/03/2011 at 8:27pm / Germany (Rheinland-Pfalz) / Miscellaneous

Today, my drunk brother thought I could withstand a metal chair being slammed across my back like on the wrestling shows. I guess he didn't know that the shows are fake. FML

by drunkinriot / 07/03/2011 at 7:04pm / United States / Health