Today, I was giving my boyfriend a handjob for the first time. It took ages for him to get excited, and in the end the only thing that blew up was him, saying, "Oh my god, just stop it already." FML

by valerie / 05/27/2011 at 9:04pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

alex1432's comment : Well try using more than just your hands??

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Today, I was really psyched to go see Kung Fu Panda 2 at the movies. Excited, I tried to do a flying kick off the cafeteria wall at work. Instead of kicking off, my leg crashed through the plasterboard and got stuck. My co-workers had to pull me free. FML

by Anonymous / 05/27/2011 at 8:56pm / United States (Colorado) / Health

Today, I drove my boyfriend to hospital because he felt extremely ill. His buddies had gotten their hands on a taser, and he had the brilliant idea of being shot as part of a Youtube stunt video. Now I have an empty gas tank and have to clean up a puddle of vomit in my living room. FML

by moron / 05/27/2011 at 8:04pm / United States / Health

Today, a girl I've been crushing on for over a year finally gave me her number. I lost the note at home, but found it a few hours later. I excitedly called, only to find she'd written down the number for the local Pizza Hut. FML

by Anonymous / 05/27/2011 at 7:30pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, I came home from work, only to find the babysitter passed out on the couch with a bottle of Jack Daniel's. At some point, it seems my son had taken the liberty of peeing on her while she slept. FML

by diddlebuag / 05/27/2011 at 6:09pm / United States (Ohio) / Kids

Freeze's comment : Sounds like a fair payment.

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Today, I finally get to go home after a 16 day training event in Colorado. The plane has been sitting in the runway for over three hours due to lightning storms and we're not allowed to leave. We've spent more time on the ground waiting than the flight itself would take. FML

by Username / 05/27/2011 at 5:13pm / United States / Transportation

Today, I found out that since I stopped shaving my legs, my boyfriend and his friends have started referring to me as a Wookiee. FML

by FMLer / 05/27/2011 at 4:57pm / United States (Washington) / Geek

Trainspotting's comment : That's a hairy situation you've got yourself into.

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Today, I saw a hot guy at the laundromat. Wanting an excuse to talk to him, I tossed a pair of my red underwear into his washer. What I didn't realize was that he was washing his whites. Thanks to me, he now has an entire load of pink shirts and boxers. FML

by nicole / 05/27/2011 at 4:52pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Love

Today, I overheard a conversation between my boyfriend and his best friend about how to shave one's nuts completely. FML

by Anonymous / 05/27/2011 at 11:44am / Romania (Arad) / Intimacy

Today, I walked into work looking like I had peed myself, all because my husband thought it would be "hilarious" to slam on the brakes while I was drinking hot coffee. FML

by Anonymous / 05/27/2011 at 11:31am / United States (Tennessee) / Transportation

Today, I was walking home when a stranger came up to me and told me to give him a good reason why he shouldn't punch me in the face. I guess none were good enough. FML

by Anonymous / 05/27/2011 at 10:00am / Belgium (Brussels Hoofdstedelijk Gewest) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mother went shopping. She bought three boxes of Popsicles and a giant stuffed dog. She did not buy dinner or toilet paper. I've eaten nothing but cereal and popcorn for three days now. FML

by FeedMe / 05/27/2011 at 6:45am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I went to hand in a job application, and the supervisor wanted to ask me a few questions. I was nervous so I kept touching the fabric on a nearby display table. Only after I left did my friend tell me it was a pantie display, and that I was fondling underwear. FML

by colebear / 05/27/2011 at 4:45am / United States / Work