Today, I invited over my best friend, whom I've loved for over a year, since she had to tell me "something important". I got excited and thought she was going to tell me she loved me too. She ended up coming out to me, and wanted to know if I would meet her girlfriend. FML

by :( / 06/14/2011 at 2:06pm / United States (Texas) / Love

HarryMcC's comment : there's still a chance of a threesome :)

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Today, my friend sent me an online money transfer. After forgetting the password and locking myself out of my account, I had to phone up the bank and have it reset. I was prompted to answer the security question, which was "What, what?" I had to say "In the butt." to get my money. FML

by notinthebutt / 06/14/2011 at 1:57pm / United States (Minnesota) / Money

HarryMcC's comment : so do you like it in the butt?

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Today, I woke up to a homeless man relentlessly shitting on my porch. FML

by ugh / 06/14/2011 at 1:56pm / United States (Louisiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, while driving in a funeral procession I was distracted, missed my turn and yelled "God dammit!" I'm the funeral director; the Priest was in the car with me as I led the funeral the wrong way. FML

by patrickalamo / 06/14/2011 at 10:23am / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, my boyfriend got a job at a trendy clothing store in the mall. Trying to be supportive, I went to visit him and tried something on. I got stuck in the jeans and had to call my boyfriend, who sent the manager to pull the jeans off me. FML

by mimabee / 06/14/2011 at 9:56am / United States (Indiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was arrested for carrying a dangerous weapon. I was on my way home from the shop where I'd bought a new kitchen knife. FML

by lalala / 06/14/2011 at 6:47am / United Kingdom (London) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was eating Star Wars gummy candies and I bit R2-D2 in half. My girlfriend looked at it and said "Oh look, now he's R1-D1". It was super cute, but I couldn't help thinking, "That's not how the numbering system works for droids." FML

by techiefIve / 06/14/2011 at 6:04am / United States (California) / Geek

jazziness's comment : how do u have a girlfriend?

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Today, I really had to go to the bathroom. Due to my fear of public restrooms, I made sure it was clear before I started. I heard someone sigh halfway through. Embarrassed, I waited a full ten minutes before leaving the stall, only to see that it was only the automatic air freshener. FML

by facepalm / 06/14/2011 at 4:30am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to be the one to break it to my daughter that WWE fighting was staged. She began crying. However, last month she didn't shed a single tear at her grandmother's funeral. FML

by mk / 06/14/2011 at 2:08am / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, I saw my bike locked outside a Starbucks down the street from my house. It was stolen about 10 days ago from my communal laundry room. There was even a cop parked across the street, but I have no proof to show that bike even belonged to me. FML

by chris / 06/14/2011 at 1:10am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I let my new puppy outside for the first time. When I went to get him, I saw a man running off with him. FML

by robertsonjimmy / 06/13/2011 at 9:46pm / United States (Mississippi) / Animals

Today, my grandmother's graduation presents came for my sisters. Not only did she remember to send them cards, but money too. My graduation was a year ago, I received nothing, and last time she saw me, she didn't know my name. FML

by UnlovedGrandchild / 06/13/2011 at 9:14pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I ran out of breath while mowing the lawn. I was on a riding lawn mower. FML

by Anonymous / 06/13/2011 at 9:08pm / United States (Colorado) / Health