Today, I had to go to the emergency room with vision problems. The nurse was helping my mom fill out the paperwork. When asked for her employer, my mom started trying to sell the nurse Aflac, and got into a serious 10 minute conversation about it, all while I'm going blind in my left eye. FML

by Catherine / 05/23/2011 at 3:33pm / United States (Georgia) / Health

Today, I went back to the key cutter for the second time because apartment key I gave to my boyfriend didn't work. The man cut me another key and apologised profusely. When I got home and tried the key, it didn't work. I realised I'd asked him to copy the wrong key. Twice. FML

by M / 05/23/2011 at 3:14pm / United Kingdom (Warwickshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm for the first time only to realise she squeals like a baby pig in the process. FML

by Jon / 05/23/2011 at 2:46pm / United Kingdom (Essex) / Intimacy

allmidnighteyes's comment : "Today, I satisfied my woman. FML" REALLY?

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Today, I got fired from my job at a small start-up company. Why? The CEO wanted to give a job to one of his former fraternity brothers who is out of work, and they couldn't afford to keep us both. FML

by Anonymous / 05/23/2011 at 2:12pm / United States (Washington) / Work

Today, my AP teacher once again accused me of plagiarism. Apparently the words "demise," "ultimately," and "rural," are too sophisticated for an 11th grade AP student to use and MUST have been copied from the Internet. FML

by dumbteacher / 05/23/2011 at 10:35am / Miscellaneous

ZTD09's comment : Ultimately, your rural demise is imminent.

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Today, I received a visit from a social worker. My son told his teacher I was starving him, all because I refused to let him eat pizza and ice cream for breakfast. FML

by Bad Parent / 05/23/2011 at 7:58am / Kids

Today, my 3-year-long dry spell was about to end. A lovely lady over for dinner, good food, wine and lots of laughs. Things heated up nicely in the bedroom when a playful wrestle made my bed shift, snapping two of its legs. The bed collapsed, totally ruining the mood. The dry spell continues. FML

by Badaboom / 05/23/2011 at 6:54am / Netherlands (Zuid-Holland) / Intimacy

Today, I found out that the peaceful rain I'd been listening to all night was really a broken water-main flooding my entire yard. FML

by elle / 05/23/2011 at 6:17am / Miscellaneous

Today, the guy I have loved for seven years asked me to move in with him. Turns out he only did so because he needed someone to pay the rent since he's quit his job. FML

by Anonymous / 05/23/2011 at 3:25am / United States / Love

Today, as I was standing in the checkout line in a store, my six year old daughter proudly announced to everyone that I fell asleep on the toilet last night. FML

by sleepy / 05/23/2011 at 12:57am / United States (Colorado) / Kids

Today, I opened my new clothing store. My only customer was my mom and the only reason she came in was to tell me that someone stole my sign. FML

by 11lyss1 / 05/23/2011 at 12:26am / Work

Today, my husband and I had just got over a big argument, and I asked him to cut me some cucumbers for my eyes to help me relax. I was laying down, eyed closed, and he set them on my eyes. They weren't cucumbers, they were lemons. FML

by lemonhead / 05/22/2011 at 9:58pm / Health

amrik's comment : pepper spray his toilet paper :)

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Today, I told my kids that our family dog was getting too fat and we should give him a little less food. My youngest daughter whispered to her sister, "Mommy's fat and we still give her food." FML

by Fatty1970 / 05/22/2011 at 9:33pm / United States (Florida) / Kids