Today, is my birthday. Everyone forgot except my stalker. He rang the door bell the second it turned 12:00. FML

by hopeless / 04/08/2011 at 11:03am / Love

Today, I stepped outside my office building for a smoke break and I witnessed a mugging so I ran over to stop it. I succeeded in getting mugged instead of the original target. I then couldn't get into my building until a coworker left an hour later. My boss was mad and still doesn't believe me. FML

by Fired / 04/08/2011 at 7:58am / Work

Today, my husband told me that he can't find his passport. We're supposed to be leaving for Prague in two days. He's known about the trip for months. It was the anniversary vacation that was going to help our frayed relationship. Now my money is going to a hotel in Prague, but I'm not. FML

by stuckhome / 04/08/2011 at 7:07am / United Kingdom / Holidays

Today, I was in the emergency room. The doctor told me that my injuries and back problems are the intensity of those after a car accident. I slipped on a grape. FML

by ridella / 04/08/2011 at 6:35am / Health

Today, I was talking to a guy on the phone. I told him I'd be right back. I thought I'd put him on mute. Turns out he heard everything as I took the biggest dump I've ever taken. We haven't talked since. FML

by Payte / 04/08/2011 at 1:31am / Love

Today, my girlfriend hid my car keys and decided that she wouldn't give them back until I succeeded in giving her an orgasm. FML

by failure / 04/08/2011 at 1:24am / Intimacy

Today, I brought my own thermos of coffee on the train with me, the kind that flips open to uncover the mouth part. I take a few swigs and notice a cute boy nervously smiling at me. Suddenly, I feel something drip down my nose. The flip part was leaving drops of coffee all over my forehead. FML

by Anonymous / 04/08/2011 at 1:11am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, while at the beach, my little sister thought it would be cute to feed a small seagull some of her food. Minutes later a flock of seagulls swarmed and attacked me and my sandwich. FML

by ihateseagulls / 04/07/2011 at 7:28pm / United States (Michigan) / Animals

Today, I accidentally clamped my hair straightener down on my ear. Eleven hours later, it still feels like I have a burning, swollen fireball hanging off the side of my head. FML

by Anonymous / 04/07/2011 at 5:18pm / United States / Health

Today, the company I work for decided to "go green" and stopped using the air conditioner to cool down the office. It is currently 81 degrees at my desk. FML

by Dave / 04/07/2011 at 3:55pm / United States (Kentucky) / Work

Today, four hours before a test, I received an email from my professor saying that the test had been canceled. When I checked my email again before bed, I found another email from my professor saying that his email had been hacked and the test was was still on. FML

by Anonymous / 04/07/2011 at 1:32pm / United States (Puerto Rico) / Miscellaneous

Today, a woman called my work and accused me of having an affair with her husband, my coworker, demanding that my boss discipline me. I don't know her, I barely know her husband, and I haven't had sex in months. FML

by kharrington / 04/07/2011 at 1:30pm / United States (Connecticut) / Intimacy

Today, at 21 years old, I am still so flat chested that I can't even fit into training bras meant for 12 year olds. FML

by nerdsgetmehot / 04/07/2011 at 12:55pm / United States (Oregon) / Health