Today, my coworker returned the camera I lent her. After plugging the camera into my PC, I saw a file was still on it. Wanting to make sure I didn't delete something important, I opened it. To my horror, it was a video of my coworker pleasuring herself. She's old enough to be my mother. FML

by Traumatized / 03/05/2011 at 2:57pm / Israel (Tel Aviv) / Intimacy

Today, due to my lagging browser, I accidentally "liked" a status my friend made about the deterioration of her relationship. Then, the computer froze, making it impossible to "unlike" it immediately. My friend won't accept that it was a mistake. FML

by Anonymous / 03/05/2011 at 1:20pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was told that I was an idiot by a little girl because I didn't deliver a pizza to her house fast enough. FML

by deliveryboy / 03/05/2011 at 10:46am / China (Shanghai) / Work

Today, my husband decided to imitate Borat and shout "Very Nice! I Excite!" while having sex. He's also decided that it was ingenious and does it every single time, the entire time. FML

by mrssagdiyev / 03/05/2011 at 9:19am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy

Today, I found my mother in tears, so I asked her what was wrong. She told me, "It's your father, he wants a divorce..." I asked if he'd met another woman, and my mom replied "No, not a woman..." FML

by Anonymous / 03/05/2011 at 6:43am / France (Alsace) / Love

Today, as I was about to go in the bathroom, a girl walked out, shaking water off her hands. Some of it landed on my face, and I just wiped it off. Then she said to her friend who was waiting for her, "The sink's broken. Can I use your hand sanitizer?" So what landed on my face? FML

by anon / 03/05/2011 at 5:15am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I got mugged by a midget. FML

by insomnitude / 03/05/2011 at 1:55am / United States (Oklahoma) / Miscellaneous

krushr's comment : So would you say you're short on cash now?

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Today, I was performing a show about pirates for a youth program. A child started crying because I wasn't a real pirate. A little girl took my defense: "He's a real pirate, his teeth are all yellow!" FML

by Anonymous / 03/05/2011 at 1:07am / Canada (Quebec) / Kids

Today, I found out the hard way that if you think a waiter is hot, you probably shouldn't tell your parents. They could react by screaming at him across the room to tell him you think he's a hottie. FML

by anonymous / 03/05/2011 at 12:34am / France / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend went down on me for the first time. Just as I was reaching climax my brother raced into the bathroom right next to my door and began to vomit extremely loudly. FML

by Anonymous / 03/05/2011 at 12:05am / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy

Today, I rushed my dog to the vet because he was foaming at the mouth. I returned home with a bill for $200 and a dog who apparently has a thing for marshmallows. FML

by duncanisgey / 03/04/2011 at 5:57pm / Canada (Manitoba) / Animals

Today, while at Subway, I looked on as an employee killed a fly with his hands. He then continued working without a second thought. He was making my sandwich. FML

by Shoofly / 03/04/2011 at 5:54pm / United States / Transportation

Today, I found out that my ferret, which my parents had told me ran away a few years ago, was actually given to my cousin while I was at a friend's house. My parents didn't want to deal with him anymore and gave him away for free. FML

by Person in Alaska with a Ferret / 03/04/2011 at 3:42pm / United States (Alaska) / Animals