Animals: Today, I had to wait for my daughter's pet python to finish taking... - FML

By patient_mom - 14/06/2015 01:27 - Australia - Surrey Hills

Today, I had to wait for my daughter's pet python to finish taking a bath before I could take a shower and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 988

You deserved it 3 943

You tried

Age difference

Late term

By Anonymous - 05/01/2013 05:54 - United States

Today, both my car and my father's car were broken into. They stole my radio, purse, wallet, camera, and multiple items of clothing. What did they take from my dad's car? Some screwdrivers to rip my radio out of my dash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 568

You deserved it 5 282

It's complicated

By Anonymous - 23/04/2021 22:02 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my partner of 5 years broke up with me via text. We were talking about starting a family just last week. We have a foster puppy together and moved into a new house a month ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 036

You deserved it 82

By sonofanut - 22/02/2012 03:14 - United States

Today, I found out my mom has been stealing from me to pay for Scientology courses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 107

You deserved it 2 401

Bad omen

By KarmasPlaything - 14/08/2021 02:01 - United States - Shallotte

Today, I’m on vacation with my fiancé and his kids. We came to see a wedding venue. Too bad I severely sprained my ankle. I also sprained that same ankle when he proposed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 672

You deserved it 77

By allergies - 18/09/2015 14:43 - United States - New York

Today, I sneezed while my ID photo was being taken. I look like a total moron in it. The photographer refused to retake the photo because I "clearly" faked the sneeze just to be funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 979

You deserved it 1 780

PS I Love You

By Anonymous - 13/02/2021 17:01 - Sweden - G?teborg

Today, I had a group project on Zoom with some classmates I'm not so familiar with. When we were done and said our goodbyes, I said, "Bye bye, I love you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 591

You deserved it 294

By aarone23 - 01/06/2011 13:30 - United States

Today, I was slammed onto my car, thrown on the ground, and arrested for outstanding warrants from 1979. I was born in 1992. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 394

You deserved it 4 045

By Anonymous - 18/08/2010 16:12 - United States

Today, my new $100 electronic cigarette came in the mail. I was so excited to try it out, I used it on the drive to work. The people who sold it to me weren't kidding when they said it looked and felt real. I threw it out the window when I was done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 482

You deserved it 64 145

By gassy - 07/01/2013 15:40 - United States - Aubrey

Today, I woke up after sleeping with my boyfriend for the first time. I rolled over and smiled at him, and the first thing he said was, "You farted. A lot." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 667

You deserved it 6 699

Caddy Shack

By Anonymous - 07/09/2019 14:00

Today, I've had people calling the golf course just to ask what the weather's going to be like tomorrow. I’m a golf professional, not the weather man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 351

You deserved it 148

By Anonymous - 01/04/2009 03:10 - United States

Today, I was volunteering at a school, as I walked past the swings these two girls smiled and said "wow, you are so pretty!". I smiled back and said "awww, well thank you!." As I walked past I hear them laughing, "she actually believed us." FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 438

You deserved it 5 131

By engagedmaybe - 02/02/2010 06:20 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend asked me to marry him because he could get a tax cut from buying the ring. All of this happened in front of his mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 732

You deserved it 2 438

By anonymous - 05/02/2013 05:22 - United States - Hampton

Today, at a friendly get-together, my friend's husband had too much to drink and got into a fistfight with my husband. I'm seven-and-a-half months pregnant, and the friendly get-together was my baby shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 007

You deserved it 3 188

By Anonymous - 10/07/2019 04:09

Spicy

Today, I wanted to be on top during sex, after always being on the bottom. Afterwards, he said, "You're never riding me like that again." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 957

You deserved it 319

By anonymous - 15/08/2016 03:06 - United States - Pewaukee

Today, a guy I have been crushing on since forever finally talked to me. Too bad it happened after an anxiety attack when he carried me from class to the nurse's. The first thing he said to me when I came to was, "You're heavier than you look." FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 268

You deserved it 1 287

Passionate

By Anonymous - 09/10/2020 02:00

Today, my boyfriend and I got intimate in an alley. He pushed me up against a wall and started kissing me, but he pushed me so hard I cut open my head and needed 10 stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 064

You deserved it 440

By Anonymous - 31/03/2009 18:45 - United States

Today, while walking to class enjoying the warmer weather, a bee flew down my shirt. I'm allergic to bees so I freaked out and started ripping my clothes off. By the time I was done, I was half naked and there was no bee in sight. Turns out, it was the string on my jacket hood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 054

You deserved it 33 197

I don't know how to say this to you, but…

By Anonymous - 02/11/2021 14:00

Today, I came across a friend on Instagram. She's engaged… to my abusive ex… who has been stalking and harassing me lately. She was wearing the ring he gave me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 929

You deserved it 80

By MrsRODixon - 05/03/2015 12:38 - United Kingdom - Pencoed

Today, I received an urgent call from my son's nursery asking me to collect him, saying he was, "lethargic, complaining about being ill and crying". I get there and he's running around, playing and admits he just wanted to come home. They still made me take him home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 757

You deserved it 2 813

By Anonymous - 17/08/2010 17:06 - Canada

Today, my aunt asked me to babysit my cousin. She gave me a warning that he says he's allergic to foods to get out of eating them. When I brought out my homemade cooking, he told me he was allergic, so I made him eat it anyway. Turns out he WAS allergic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 879

You deserved it 13 216

By Anonymous - 08/05/2014 19:00 - United Kingdom - Aylesbury

Today, an old man wanted to give me a tip for bagging his groceries. He slipped some money as deep into my pocket as he could, stroking my thigh for a few long seconds in the process, then he gave me a creepy smile and winked before walking away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 255

You deserved it 4 523

I hate my life

By Anonymous - 08/04/2021 17:00 - United States - San Diego

Today, I woke up and remembered that I'm in law school. Now, I'm about to go to sleep, and I'm still in law school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 287

You deserved it 910

By Anonymous - 16/11/2010 17:09 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my mother. She asked me if I was going to make it to Christmas at home. I told her that I would try and make it home since it would be my grandma's last Christmas alive. To my luck, grandma was sitting in the car with my mother, and speaker phone was in use. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 569

You deserved it 37 815

By Anonymous - 26/12/2009 19:46 - United States

Today, the painting I worked on for three weeks was rejected from an art contest because the rules prohibit fan art. It wasn't fan art. They mistook it for Twilight fan art. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 681

You deserved it 8 132

Straining

By NoPeeGiven - 14/04/2013 05:10 - United States - Palatine

Today, I had to go to the clinic for a physical. The nurse asked me for a pee sample; however, I had no urine to give. After 20 minutes of standing at the stall I was able to squeeze half a cup of pee. As I approached the sink to cover the sample, I somehow managed to drop it all over myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 825

You deserved it 9 951

By ApparentlyIFail - 20/11/2009 09:30 - France

Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me so she could "let her life flow in the direction she wants." Apparently that includes smoking, stealing and making out with other girls at parties. The best part? She wants to get back together "after she matures and gets it out of her system." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 675

You deserved it 3 190

By Liv - 29/10/2013 22:09 - United Kingdom - Great Bookham

Today, my mother was talking about a holiday she went on this time last year. She turned to me to say, "You would've loved it, it's a shame you couldn't come". I was there. It was just the two of us on holiday together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 797

You deserved it 2 790

By catcraze - 20/05/2013 23:23 - United States - Denver

Today, I got a new cat. It was fine for a couple of hours until it gave birth in my kitchen. The seller claims to have no idea that it was pregnant. Now I have to take care of 7 cats instead of 2. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 849

You deserved it 6 712

By David - 08/11/2012 05:43 - United States - Seattle

Today, my mother-in-law moved in because she has a hip problem. I don't know what's worse, her constant complaining and slob like tendencies, or the eight cats she brought along with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 682

You deserved it 2 116

By mochiko - 09/08/2009 07:28 - United States

Today, I was at the mall with my little brother. I saw him touching some expensive objects, so I slapped his arm. I noticed he wasn't my brother when he started crying and his real mom slapped me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 464

You deserved it 56 205

By JoannaG25 - 17/08/2010 11:43 - Netherlands

Today, I was told that in order to be considered for more jobs, I should remove my college degree from my resume. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 581

You deserved it 3 970

Make the most of it

By Godmish - 02/01/2009 05:37 - France

Spicy

Today, I received a text message from my girlfriend, saying, "Do you remember the last time we slept together?" I replied straight away, "Of course, it was great!" To which she replies, "I hope you made the most of it, because it was the last time." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 414

You deserved it 2 700

By Username - 16/07/2010 04:17 - France

Today, my wife, daughter, and I get to spend the next 4 hours in the ER. Why? Because we're all throwing up at the same time. At least it counts as a family activity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 866

You deserved it 3 439

Thoughts and prayers

By Anonymous - 03/10/2021 20:00 - United States - Southampton

Today, I lost keys to my car, studio, house, and a storage unit in a busy city park with no chance of recovering them after searching for hours. I have to cancel work and my car is going to be towed because of street sweeping. O, woe is me! Send a prayer and Love and perhaps my keys by carrier pigeon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 807

You deserved it 209

By Anonymous - 15/09/2018 13:00

Today, my neighbour's kitten got run over, so I bought her chocolate as comfort food. When I gave it to her she joked, "Now I'm going to get fat." It was at that moment that my brain stepped out and my mouth took over and I heard myself say, "You deserve it!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 359

You deserved it 831

By Anonymous - 25/12/2012 07:12 - United States

Spicy

Today, after giving my mother and my girlfriend their Christmas presents, I realized just how similar they looked both in box size and wrapping paper. I noticed after my mother gasped upon finding a vibrator in her box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 821

You deserved it 55 345

By NoSacredSpace - 19/05/2018 05:00

Today, I can finally say there’s no part of my body that hasn’t had a pimple show up. I found a zit on my clit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 875

You deserved it 498

Decisions, decisions

By Anonymous - 26/10/2021 20:00 - United States - Little River

Today, my long-term partner and I decided we still love each other and want to try to salvage our relationship. Also today, a long-lost crush reconnected with me out of nowhere. The chemistry between us is insane and I can't stop thinking about him. Maybe it's a sign? FML

I agree, your life sucks 402

You deserved it 1 161

Leave me alone!

By Jack Slate - 12/12/2020 11:02

Today, my anxious, obsessive, overbearing mother called me four times. That's significantly less than usual. When I complained to my dad, he said, "She just worries about you because she loves you." I don't feel loved, I feel smothered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 755

You deserved it 126

By Ms.rain - 07/12/2018 12:30

Spicy

Today my boyfriend went through my phone while I was in the bathroom to check if I was cheating...... I wasn't. He was looking for some leverage so when he told me he's been fucking my bestfriend for the last year, he could use something against me... FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 234

You deserved it 233

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Top comments

rnarshmallow 21

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Sunday 14 June 2015 11:37

A clean python is a happy python! It's good to see your daughter has taught her pet about hygiene.

littleking94 14

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Sunday 14 June 2015 11:43

Yeah I don't think I would argue with the python either.

Comments

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Sunday 14 June 2015 11:36

That's something you don't hear every day :o

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Sunday 14 June 2015 12:05

Must have been a long bath.

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Sunday 14 June 2015 12:43

*ba dum tss*

psychopolarbear 28

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Monday 15 June 2015 4:45

OP is in Australia, though. Who knows how often large and sometimes aggressive carnivorous pets decide to use the family shower?

madeline9322 17

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Monday 7 September 2015 16:05

Well it was likely only a children's Python, because they're Australian and Australians can only have native reptiles... So it'd be a pretty small lil thing.

rnarshmallow 21

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Sunday 14 June 2015 11:37

A clean python is a happy python! It's good to see your daughter has taught her pet about hygiene.

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Sunday 14 June 2015 15:50

Now this is something i have to see. Youtube here i come lol

Burton_Forever 23

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Sunday 14 June 2015 11:37

gotta keep that python clean! or the kitties won't want to play!

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Sunday 14 June 2015 11:37

That's an instance where I would be happy to wait rather than share

LiquidFantasy 19

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Sunday 14 June 2015 14:22

Why? Pythons aren't poisonous..

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Sunday 14 June 2015 15:25

#20, I bet they're happy to know it's ok for them to bite the Python now, lol.

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Sunday 14 June 2015 15:27

I wouldn't want to share it because reptiles will sometimes poop when in a warm bath. Sorry OP, I hope you rinsed the shower well!

MikaykayUnicorn 36

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Thursday 18 June 2015 14:58

Venomous, #20. The word you wanted was venomous, not posionus. I don't think they want to eat the python.

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Sunday 14 June 2015 11:38

well umm...at least the snake's clean?

Cads1 24

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Sunday 14 June 2015 11:39

Turn it into a nice pair of shoes.

heartofhannah 28

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Monday 15 June 2015 4:59

It's her daughters pet, that's just rude!

VonBlitzkrieg 27

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Tuesday 16 June 2015 20:38

what the hell is wrong with you? Do you really not have the mental capacity to understand that he's joking?

MikaykayUnicorn 36

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Thursday 18 June 2015 15:00

#59, it's a disgusting joke. If this thread was about a dog and someone commented the same thing about the dog, would you brush it off as an O.K. joke? Probably not.

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Sunday 14 June 2015 11:41

can you give me the name of the shampoo the python uses?

DoomedGemini 37

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Wednesday 17 June 2015 0:16

Come on, Voldemort has gorgeous hair!

littleking94 14

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Sunday 14 June 2015 11:43

Yeah I don't think I would argue with the python either.

Darkness_Hate 29

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Sunday 14 June 2015 11:56

At least the snake is not singing ''Trust in Me" so it's ok.

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Sunday 14 June 2015 21:15

I can't believe it's only 10 of us left, who remember this.

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Sunday 14 June 2015 12:01

dominace established

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 5

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out my husband has to take Viagra to get it up with me. He never needed it with his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 327

You deserved it 83

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 721

You deserved it 221