Today, the last parking space outside my work was tiny but I... - FML

By - 19/1/2017 08:22

Today, the last parking space outside my work was tiny but I tried to parallel park there in desperation. A school kid saw the whole attempt and sarcastically clapped me as I gave up and drove away. FML

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Mixed signals

The Summoner

Healthy relationship

By Anonymous - 9/3/2011 09:52 - India

Today, while stuck in a traffic jam, my son silently changed my gear to reverse. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2019 16:05 - Germany - Kerpen

Today, I wanted to top up my shower gel dispenser. After carefully squeezing the entire tube into the dispenser, I realized why it looked so white: I'd mixed the remaining shower gel with the entire tube of fancy, expensive, organic body lotion that my grandma had given me for Christmas. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2009 01:16 - United States

Today, I was carrying some luggage downstairs to put in my car to head back to college. My brother told me my shoes were untied. He said he would tie them for me as I was carrying luggage. I fell down the stairs because he thought it would be funny to tie them together. FML

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By waltzy777 - 26/4/2009 08:12 - United States

Today, we were having a family get together at my house. Because of this, i had to mow our lawn to make sure it looked nice. I got a little bored and decided it would be funny to cut a rather large penis into my yard. right when i finished, i ran out of gas. My 83 year old grandmother saw. FML

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By Animeislyfe - 25/8/2015 02:56 - United States - Stockbridge

Today, my dad took my phone away because I "had to be texting while driving in order to wreck my car." I was too ashamed to tell him that a huge bug flew into my face causing me to veer off the road and into a brick mailbox. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2010 02:04 - United States

Today, I woke up finding out I had a wet dream last night. About someone other than my girlfriend. I don't remember anything about the dream, but my girlfriend remembers everything, aparently I talked through out my dream, she was right next to me listening. FML

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By Jenn - 3/7/2013 02:39 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I saw my older sister for the first time in three years. We hadn't spoke since I found out that she was the woman my college boyfriend left me for. Unfortunately, our reunion was fueled by her two-year-old son's desire to meet his dad. My husband. FML

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By CallMeMrFunny - 22/12/2016 18:27

Today, I mentioned to my parents that Sunday is going to be awesome because it's Christmas. They responded with "Wait, this Sunday? In 3 days?!" Apparently they forgot. FML

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By NaomiMadison - 30/7/2011 05:15 - United States

Today, my little brother came into my room and hit me over the head with his baseball bat. He then dropped the bat onto my floor and ran crying into my mother's room proclaiming I stole his bat and beat him with it for fun. FML

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By notyouraverageteenager - 10/6/2010 07:06 - Australia

Today, I bought an expensive dress because it was me and my boyfriend's one year anniversary, and he was taking me somewhere nice. When he saw me in the dress, he looked at me, laughed and said, "Seriously, what are you wearing?" FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2012 11:37 - Australia

Today, I called my mum, crying because of my low self-esteem. She interrupted my sobs by saying, "Can I hang up now? The phone's getting hot." FML

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By Satan's Mum - 6/5/2014 18:38 - United Kingdom - London

Today, to teach my 14-year-old son a serious lesson for bullying a child at school again, I grounded him for the rest of the year. He just snorted and said, "Cool, I'll just jack off all year then! Thanks, mum!" and happily retreated to his bedroom. FML

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By therealkathl - 5/3/2015 13:32 - Austria

Today, my boyfriend convinced a girl at the club to break up with her boyfriend and go home with him. She did. Now I'm single too. FML

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By Michelle C - 26/1/2009 03:44 - United States

Today, I saw a homeless man asking for money for food. Not wanting to give him money so he'd spend it on booze, I decided to buy him a full big mac meal from McDonalds. When I went to hand it to him, he quickly waved his hand, denying it saying, "Thanks but I'm a vegetarian". FML

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By "belladonna1025" - 29/12/2018 00:00

Today, I told a customer her total was $89.40. She put her leg up on the counter and dug a $100 bill out of her nasty sock. It was damp. FML

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By I'm disgusting - 26/5/2019 22:11

Today, my girlfriend caught me using my T-shirt as a tissue. Again. FML

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By brebis - 18/11/2008 10:37 - France

Today, when I threw away my cigarette out of the car window, the wind blew it back in again. My trousers got completely burnt. FML

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By cmart_9 - 29/10/2013 04:24 - United States - Clayton

Today, my girlfriend got a detention for public display of affection. We go to different schools. FML

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By Busty - 21/11/2017 06:00

These jugs don't belong here...

Today, Walmart was out of quart milk jugs except for one. When I went to grab it, I had to practically climb into the fridge. My boobs got stuck on the shelf on the way out, and it took a solid two minutes to wiggle my way free. I had an audience. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2013 18:49 - France - Le Rove

Today, I woke up to my bratty younger sister cutting through my hair with a pair of scissors. I now look like a freak, and my mum bitched me out for being angry, all because my sister claimed she'd been sleep-walking. Her demented smirk said otherwise. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2012 00:59 - United States

Today, my mother called me a "wasteful child" because I threw up my lunch. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2012 05:31 - United States

Today, things were getting hot with my boyfriend and I started to breathe heavy and moan. He then says to me, "Babe, can you calm down, we're having sex not running a marathon." FML

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By RAB - 18/7/2020 02:02

Lovin' it

Today, as the manager of a McDonald's, I had to ask a group of high school kids to calm down after several complaints from other guests. Their rational response was to pour soda on my head and throw burgers at me. Upon returning from chasing them out, I sprained my foot. FML

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By signupsheetfail - 12/8/2009 19:02 - Canada

Today, I was doing target practice with my new paintball pistol. One of the bullets missed, and hit my new neighbor's house. I went up to the door to apologize, not realizing I was still holding the paintball gun. My ex-soldier neighbor thought I was robbing him and put me in a chokehold. FML

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By justmyluck25 - 23/7/2010 12:59 - United States

Today, my parents met my fiancée's parents for the first time in a large family gathering two weeks before our formal wedding. Both sets of parents were telling funny stories about our pasts. My dad's story won. He told how I spent a week in jail earlier this year. FML

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By karma - 28/1/2009 18:36 - Canada

First!

Today, I almost had an orgasm. Unfortunately, he had one first. FML

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By ZombieGirl - 11/8/2015 07:43 - United States - Tampa

Today, I signed the lease on my first apartment alone with my boyfriend. We've lived here a month before we got to sign. Today is also the day my neighbors decided to show how they're night owls: all I hear is banging on the walls and them loudly talking and yelling. This will be a long year. FML

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By Anonymous Cunt - 24/11/2012 19:38 - Netherlands - Blaricum

Today, my mom had a tantrum and screamed at me over my use of bronzer. She called me a selfish bitch and claimed that I'm somehow slowly giving myself skin cancer. FML

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By Chansus10 - 20/10/2014 15:03 - United States - Greendale

Today, my boss drove past me while I was walking to work, and splashing mud over my uniform. When I got to work, he criticized me for showing up in unpresentable condition. FML

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By PandaMantis - 25/6/2011 04:32 - United States

Today, I sent my romantic interest a sexy text about a dream I had about a "sex gameshow." I sent it by replying to the last text sent. I'm now responsible for traumatizing my 12 year old niece who could only reply, "Like Jeopardy?" FML

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By IhadToTakeCareOfTraumatizedFish - 3/3/2016 05:32 - United States - Iowa Park

Today, while I was working at a sushi restaurant, a guy told me he wanted the table next to the "koi fish tank", because he wanted to let the fish know what happens when they "cross him". FML

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By Dani - 24/1/2012 05:23 - Australia

Today, I tried to take a piss in the woods, but ended up peeing all over my feet. I still had to hike another five hours in wet shoes. My boyfriend's only comment was, "At least you didn't wet your pants." FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2015 00:47 - United States - Pensacola

Today, my parents searched my younger sister's phone because she had been acting suspiciously. I asked my mom if she was going to search mine too. She laughed and said, "Sweetie, your phone is probably even duller than mine!" FML

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By SignificantShrinkage - 8/10/2018 03:00

Today, I found out that when you gain too much weight, your penis can get significantly smaller. After noticing that things had been "off" in the bedroom, my girlfriend and I decided to measure it. There was significant shrinkage. I guess it's time to start working out. FML

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By Jordan - 10/8/2018 14:00 - United States - Boulder

Today, I met the guy who will be my dorm roommate for the fall semester. One of the first things he said was, "By the way, I am into self-massage, so don't get weirded out if you hear noises coming from my room a lot." Great. FML

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By mr.palendrome - 6/3/2009 02:27 - United States

Today, I was teasing my little brother. Later that night, I went to the bathroom to wash up. While I'm brushing my teeth, my little brother slips a photo under the door that shows him scrubbing my toothbrush against his nuts. FML

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By Dsark - 19/2/2014 05:12 - United States - San Diego

Today, during a lecture, my teacher jokingly talked about the time he was best buds with George Washington. Another student then asked, "Really? You knew him?" I'm in an advanced placement U.S. history class. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2020 23:01

Caught spunk-handed

Today, I was watching porn in the living room with the volume turned up, because I was under the impression that my family had already left for vacation. It turns out my cousin and his girlfriend were upstairs the entire time. FML

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By laxguy23 - 21/4/2009 15:11 - United States

Today, I got a email from my boss. He said he was going to have to let me go for missing so much work over the last week. I was laid off two months ago. I don't know what is more depressing, getting fired from a job twice or the fact it took two months for them to notice I wasn't there anymore. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2010 21:59 - New Zealand

Today, my dad came up behind me with a pair of scissors, and pretended to snip away at my hair. I was sure he was joking, so I just sat there and didn't react. Later, I felt the back of my head and looked at my hand. Suffice it to say, I now have a large bald patch on the back of my head. FML

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Top comments

By kusje | 29

#7392167 - Thursday 19 January 2017 8:40

I don't blame you, parallel parking is the worst

By RichardPencil | 28

#7392196 - Thursday 19 January 2017 9:40

The little shit doesn't know how hard parallel parking is! He'll get his comeuppance (unless he gets a self-parking car) when he grows up!

COMMENTS

By kusje | 29

#7392167 - Thursday 19 January 2017 8:40

I don't blame you, parallel parking is the worst

By RichardPencil | 28

#7392196 - Thursday 19 January 2017 9:40

The little shit doesn't know how hard parallel parking is! He'll get his comeuppance (unless he gets a self-parking car) when he grows up!

By Quicky5_ | 16

#7392254 - Thursday 19 January 2017 12:08

That kid will look back on that day when he is older and understand why you drove away once he attempts to learn to parallel park

By hpandher | 16

#7392313 - Thursday 19 January 2017 13:51

I failed driving test twice because of damn reverse parallel parking. What does that kid know about parallel parking?

By hellpop | 22

#7392339 - Thursday 19 January 2017 14:42

School kids never stop the passive aggressive bullying.

Reply

species4872 | 19

#7392418 - Thursday 19 January 2017 18:46

They just see the funneir side to adult life until they get there.

By species4872 | 19

#7392416 - Thursday 19 January 2017 18:44

Is OP the invisable man, or women.... no user name??

Reply

Bearsmomma | 30

#7393309 - Friday 20 January 2017 23:59

Woman

By Bluemonster3 | 26

#7392539 - Thursday 19 January 2017 23:19

When he learns to drive, he will feel the pain of parallel parking

By Soninuva | 41

#7392562 - Thursday 19 January 2017 23:55

Am I the only person that finds parallel parking easy?

By diisneygirl | 2

#7392632 - Friday 20 January 2017 3:55

I can't parallel park either lol