Love: Today, I found out that the money my husband said he loaned to... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 101

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 422

You deserved it 54

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 516

You deserved it 142

14/09/2009 19:28

Today, I found out that the money my husband said he loaned to his "mother" actually went to the purchase of new lingerie for the woman he's cheating on me with. I just got the bill from the department store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 365

You deserved it 3 061

Leave us alone

Mother of the year

Our house, in the middle of our street

20/09/2011 21:25

Today, I was in class and really needed to pee. My teacher has chosen to replace our hall pass with a copy of War and Peace. She picks out a page for us to memorise on the shitter, and repeat by heart later. If we can't remember, we get locked out of class, and then get detention for being absent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 632

You deserved it 3 416

02/11/2016 04:18

Today, it was the first day of my new job. It was also the last day of my new job. I got a call immediately after finishing my shift to be told the company has "decided to go in a different direction" and will no longer be needing my services. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 740

You deserved it 835

20/06/2014 21:19

Spicy

Today, I was feeling frisky and asked my boyfriend if he wanted a blowjob. He said "Fuck no", then rolled over to go to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 092

You deserved it 9 589

06/06/2017 11:00

Today, I went for my usual morning run. Halfway through, I needed to pee, so I found a perfect bush… to walk in on a lady who had also stopped to pee. I was called a pervert. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 430

You deserved it 433

18/05/2011 13:08

Today, at work, somebody stole my sunglasses. Fed up with the constant theft in my office, I stormed up to my boss, as he had long ago promised to catch the thief. He listened patiently to my rant before pointing out that my sunglasses were on my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 453

You deserved it 47 482

Shouldn't have worn a thong...

By Shouldn'taWornaThong - 10/02/2018 07:00

Today, while shopping at my local grocery store, a young boy came up behind me and pulled my pants down while snickering. I was so shocked and horrified that I dropped the f-bomb. His mother yelled at me for "ruining his innocence". FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 516

You deserved it 285

26/03/2016 15:36

Today, my 5-year-old daughter said "Mommy, why doesn't anyone wanna marry you?" I've been asking myself the same question for all too many years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 856

You deserved it 1 952

29/05/2016 21:36

Today, my boyfriend accused me of cheating on him, all because I shaved my legs on a Wednesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 070

You deserved it 1 260

18/01/2013 03:48

Today, a bull escaped from the small farm down the street. It ended up in my yard and would not let me outside. I called animal control, who said, "We only deal with regular animals." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 394

You deserved it 2 492

20/10/2016 16:32

Today, I had to call a customer. I usually try to avoid calling customers because I have a very prominent speech impediment. Well, it turns out the customer I called also has a speech impediment and thought I was mocking her. She hung up on me and filed a formal complaint with my company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 701

You deserved it 609

14/12/2009 07:49

Today, I went to the doctor to get a pulled arm muscle checked. I told him I had been bowling, and it had just started to hurt badly. He said it was normal for a man of my age (35) to pull a muscle when lifting a ball of 12-15 pounds. I then told him it was on my son's Wii. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 898

You deserved it 28 944

Get in there!

By Menareidiots - 24/02/2009 23:32

Spicy

Today, my guy friend and I were in his dorm room watching a movie when he started kissing me. Things heated up so we moved things over to his bed. He was on me when a hand shoots down from his top bunk. His roommate had been up there the whole time and he wanted a high-five. So they high-fived. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90 608

You deserved it 22 624

01/05/2019 18:00

Today, I finally got my forklift license after training for a week. Almost eight hours later, I lost my license by not lowering my forks, crashing into and destroying four overhead light fixtures which cost more than $500 in damage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 763

You deserved it 2 820

08/09/2017 01:30

Today, after months of riding a bike through the rain, I finally saved up enough for a car. It was a little aged, but ran fine. That is, until a tire blew out, the engine stalled, and the battery died within one week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 258

You deserved it 340

18/12/2008 03:38

Today, I got fed up with my neighbor who has been coughing, night and day, for six months. I rang at her door to tell her about several remedies I know of to help, so I could sleep. I thus found out she has lung cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 255

You deserved it 27 043

05/10/2018 22:05

Today, my mom said she ran into some old coworkers and they asked about me. She was surprised they remembered me, as we only met once. The reason they remembered me is because I fell down the stairs at their house when I was 11. That was 15 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 460

You deserved it 247

22/09/2015 01:44

Today, my 5-year-old daughter sobbed inconsolably on my return home from a several-month long deployment to the Middle East. I was touched by her reaction until she blurted out that she wasn't crying because she missed me, but because my shaved head looked scary ugly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 707

You deserved it 1 970

22/03/2009 01:16

Spicy

Today, I was with a group of friends at a bar, and we were all talking about whether we were moaners, screamers, or quiet during sex. My boyfriend said that he was a moaner, which I contradicted. Completely straightfaced, he said, "Well, I am when it's good." FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 350

You deserved it 24 690

22/02/2012 09:37

Today, a first date with a guy went so badly that he actually paid me to never call him again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 422

You deserved it 5 359

04/05/2012 12:49

Today, I was at the gym trying to impress a hot girl, so I put an extra 30 pounds on the bar, I lowered, pushed... and pooped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 834

You deserved it 47 505

Lust at First Sight

By brokenheart - 21/05/2018 19:00

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years is leaving me for someone he met once at graduation 2 days ago. Apparently it was a magical "love at first sight" experience. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 338

You deserved it 269

13/12/2009 18:55

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I had our parents over to our new apartment for the first time. We spent hours cleaning, cooking, and making sure everything was "parent-appropriate." Apparently we didn't notice the S and M catalog in the pile on our coffee table... but his mom sure did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 490

You deserved it 19 748

Dealing with it

By Anonymous - 26/03/2020 02:05

Today, my husband's idea of social isolation is to lock himself in his caravan with his Xbox, 200 cans of beer and a dozen takeaway menus. I’ve not seen him in 6 days, and when I tried to force entry to tell him to snap out of it, he sprayed disinfectant at me until I couldn’t breathe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 067

You deserved it 435

03/02/2015 18:23

Today, I was making out with a girl I've liked for a long time. At one point she stopped kissing me and said, "You kiss like my brother". I sat there dumbstruck as she went back to kissing me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 191

You deserved it 2 899

Rash decision

By Anonymous - 27/07/2021 18:01

Spicy

Today, I realised I’m allergic to sperm. I was a virgin until recently and my vagina always seemed to itch for days after sex, and I thought that might be normal, but then today I agreed to let my boyfriend facial me and within minutes I had a massive rash everywhere it touched my skin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 319

You deserved it 146

If it's brown, let it float around.

By Anonymous - 12/03/2017 07:00

Today, for the millionth time, I walked into a complete smellhole of a bathroom, because my almost ten-year-old sister not only never flushes, but she doesn't wipe either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 228

You deserved it 340

Last trip

By cap - 09/12/2019 01:00

Today, I had sex with my wife only to be told that the sex was horrible and to be given divorce papers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 150

You deserved it 283

Join the club

By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 22:56

Spicy

Today, for the first time in 8 months, I got laid and it was amazing. Unfortunately, it's kicked my latent sex drive into hyperdrive. Best part? No idea when I might have sex again, so apparently I just have to live with being ragingly horny for the foreseeable future. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 350

You deserved it 343

29/07/2012 08:11

Today, my 4-year-old son cut half of my hair when I was asleep because he thought I would look better that way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 674

You deserved it 3 410

Thanks, I hate it

By kkkk - 31/01/2011 15:44

Today, the company I applied for called up congratulating me in getting the job. I was ecstatic. Quickly enough I texted a few mates that I'd got the job. Twenty minutes later they called again saying the trainee had accidentally called the wrong applicant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 439

You deserved it 2 959

Wake up call

By das_shizzle - 05/05/2020 23:00

Today, I woke up to my husband trying to bite my forehead in his sleep. My response? I slapped him hard in the face. What a way to wake up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 273

You deserved it 238

04/10/2010 18:14

Today, I went jet skiing with my girlfriend of four years. I intended to propose to her. The $2000 ring fell out of my pocket and into the lake. I have no idea where it is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 740

You deserved it 52 962

Fellas, is it gay to drink Mountain Dew?

By Anonymous - 01/07/2021 18:01

Spicy

Today, I was lying in bed when my sister came home. She had a Mountain Dew, so of course I asked for some. She then told me she just sucked dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 862

You deserved it 369

11/10/2012 17:49

Today, I had to pay my bus fare in very small change. After carefully counting out coins under the withering glares of a bus-load of people, I quickly slid them into the machine, and somehow ended up jamming it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 760

You deserved it 4 823

13/02/2015 16:36

Today, my "best friend" stole almost $1,000 worth of electronics and video games from my roommates and me, just so he could pawn them off and buy himself a new car stereo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 582

You deserved it 3 214

31/01/2011 03:13

Today, I went out with a girl I like. After a movie, we went to McDonald's. There was this couple making out. The girl I was with remarked about how lame it would be to go to McDonald's on a date. I thought we were on a date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 012

You deserved it 37 848

19/12/2014 23:27

Today, my date mugged me, just minutes after I paid our bill at the restaurant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 488

You deserved it 2 944

21/04/2011 05:28

Today, I noticed this guy crying in the park. I went up to him to see what was wrong. Apparently his girlfriend broke up with him, and he also said he wanted to kill himself. My first response was "Don't, you'll regret it later in life". FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 993

You deserved it 13 763

19/03/2015 16:41

Today, I had to work a double shift after my relief called in "sick" just so he could go to a party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 826

You deserved it 2 549

20/04/2011 15:25

Today, it's been 5 years I've been working for a man that won't admit he has Tourette's. He sits at his desk, twitching his head and hissing like a snake. He's also randomly said things like 'nipples', 'Jessica Simpson', 'potato peeler', etc. I feel like it's become my job to warn new employees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 124

You deserved it 4 716

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Top comments

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Monday 14 September 2009 23:07

Kick his ass.

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Monday 14 September 2009 23:10

Roses are red Violets are blue Your credit cards maxed Looks like you're screwed

Comments

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Monday 14 September 2009 23:07

Kick his ass.

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Monday 14 September 2009 23:10

Tell him he has to pay u back.

OhhxGoshhxAri 0

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Monday 14 September 2009 23:13

Let's expand on "kick his ass." Max out whatever credit cards he has, take everything from his wallet. Give all his clothes away to charity. Call the woman he's been seeing. Send her wedding pictures for god sake. Then throw his ass out on the streets. But definitely kick his ass before then. Divorce him. All I'm saying.

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Monday 14 September 2009 23:25

Yes because committing credit card fraud is always the way to counter someone who's cheating on you. He's an ass, but the only thing you can do is get a legal divorce. And I would suggest not assaulting him during the proceedings, or you may wind up the one getting nothing.

well_this_sucks 0

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Monday 14 September 2009 23:29

is it credit card fraud when they're still married? because technically it's still hers too.. right?

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Monday 14 September 2009 23:35

#26 You are right, its not fraud if they are married because husband and wife have a legal right that states they share things like credit cards. #22 In no offense, please revise what you type before you submit it.

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Tuesday 15 September 2009 0:51

not gonna lie...after thinkin about it for awhile, i thought....Oedipus Complex!!!

OhhxGoshhxAri 0

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Tuesday 15 September 2009 22:05

Apparently we're having trouble understanding that what I said was a joke. The best and only way to know the truth is through confrontation.

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Wednesday 30 June 2010 5:01

if love is blind, then why is lingerie so popular? best love quote ever :)

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Thursday 8 July 2010 4:49

maybe it was for his mother...the girl hes cheating with

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Sunday 26 December 2010 10:40

#30 22 had some good points I think he was fine

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Thursday 29 November 2012 19:35

#1: agreed

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Monday 14 September 2009 23:09

awww, im so sorry ur married to an ass

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Tuesday 15 September 2009 6:36

You deserve it for getting fat after the marriage, saying HELL NO to the threesome, and being an annoying nagging skank.

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Monday 14 September 2009 23:09

Did you ever think maybe that its for his mom?

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Tuesday 15 September 2009 0:13

thats hawt! :D

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Saturday 31 July 2010 12:22

or for himself?

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Monday 14 September 2009 23:09

are you sure it wasn't for his mother? lol

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Monday 14 September 2009 23:10

Roses are red Violets are blue Your credit cards maxed Looks like you're screwed

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Monday 14 September 2009 23:18

HAHAHA

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Monday 14 September 2009 23:10

D-I-V-O-R-C-E... Seriously, how'd he expect to get away with it if he had the bill sent to you? Not saying what he did was a good thing, but he could have at least had the bill sent to her and then paid it that way. Either way, kick the lying bastard's ass ;)

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Monday 14 September 2009 23:11

Well, now you have their addresses right? (if they were shipped directly to them)

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Monday 14 September 2009 23:12

HAHAHA

Mylifeisfd_up 0

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Monday 14 September 2009 23:16

FISRT! But seriously, that sucks. Dump his ass. Or go with a threesome. It's your call.

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Monday 14 September 2009 23:18

First to make an ass of yourself? Congrats! *Picture of cookie for you*

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Tuesday 15 September 2009 5:21

trust me, he isn't 1st to do that

I_am_stupid_also 6

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Monday 14 September 2009 23:16

Good thing its only a loan and she will pay you back.