Don&#039;t Touch My Fries

Today, I realized I've been playing too much Call of Duty. I started screaming, "Spawn, bitch! Spawn!" at my microwavable pizza while it was in the microwave. FML

Serious times

The Summoner

Last dates

By Anonymous - 13/11/2010 17:55 - United States

14263

55945

Today, my husband ran at me, groaning like a zombie. I was so startled that I screamed, punched him, and started sobbing. Now he won't talk to me because this is 'the first step on the road of domestic violence'. FML

By katybaby - 9/12/2010 17:15 - United States

32228

11646

Today, I managed to fracture my shoulder blade and dislocate my shoulder, just by falling off a deckchair. FML

By Booooolette - 22/6/2016 04:27 - France - Beauvais

11872

1260

Today, my girlfriend really needed to take a pee while we were fishing in my boat. Rather than go to shore, she decided to she could just go into a Snapple bottle. I watched as all her pee went straight onto the floor of my boat, soon realizing she had never even taken the bottle's cap off. FML

By alexander - 8/2/2017 10:00 - United States - Longmont

7596

974

Today, I was at a job interview for a position I really needed. Somehow, the interviewer and I started talking about fishing. I joked, "I'm a master baiter." Needless to say, I didn't get the job. FML

By master baiter - 12/8/2013 17:11 - United States - Brooklyn

30827

43536

Today, my husband went through my phone and computer, accusing me of cheating. Baffled and hurt by the untrue accusation, I asked what he found that made him think that. He replied, "Nothing! Absolutely nothing!" Apparently, no evidence IS evidence. FML

By WasntMe - 28/5/2018 20:30

In the words of Shaggy...

3544

220

Today, my younger sister, who lives at home and worked 1 day a week at the gym, got her unemployment card. I work at a hospital, on the frontlines, with COVID-19 patients. I don't get hazard pay. She now makes more than me in a week by sitting at home watching Netflix, while I risk my life every day to help people. FML

By Anonymous - 27/6/2020 20:04

More proof the system is broken

2297

170

Today, my own boyfriend admitted that he can't name one single thing he likes about me without naming something "physical." FML

By Anonymous - 30/10/2010 01:23 - United States

30663

6432

Today, I baby sat a four-year old kid, because his parents went partying. Once in bed, he yells "I want to go party!!". After 3 or 4 times, I told him to go to sleep. 2 hours later, wet bed. "Told you I want to go potty!!" FML

By Tara - 31/10/2008 07:06 - Sweden

18937

52128

Today, the power went out at school. As a senior, I don't show up until third period. When I got there, I signed in as usual. The office secretary waited until I signed in to tell me that if I hadn't, I wouldn't have to attend classes that day. Now I have to sit in class doing nothing. FML

By KCHS - 11/12/2014 18:20 - United States

29948

3550

Today, my wife made me go with her to dinner with her parents, despite their long-standing hatred of me. Later on, my mother-in-law muttered to me, "I made yours special for ya", smirked, then made a show of scratching at her butt-crack. FML

By ouharguohargssdf - 28/9/2013 21:01 - United States - Fort Wayne

41285

2875

Today, I woke up to a scream downstairs. My 13 year-old daughter was trying to bite her little brother's neck. No matter how hard I try, she will not believe that she is NOT and NEVER WILL BE a vampire. FML

By xBubbles38 - 18/7/2011 15:17 - United States

43802

6247

Today, I got trapped in the airport lift for half an hour with my family while heading to departure. We ended up missing our flight. 3000 Malaysian bucks were spent on that flight. No one wants to compensate our loss. FML

By - 16/1/2019 20:00

2662

164

Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He responded with, "That's nice. You know what I love? Chicken wings. Let's go get some." Apparently, he doesn't remember I'm a vegetarian either. FML

By veggiepower11028 - 31/5/2011 12:02

45726

8816

Today, I asked my one-year-old to come and give mommy a kiss. She did and it was really sweet, until she tried to spit a piece of dog food into my mouth. FML

By gross - 6/8/2015 17:28 - United States

23721

3132

Today, while bitching some girl out for spilling coffee all over me, she looks at me with accepting eyes and says after I'd finished, "I can understand your anger, big girls like you get grumpy when they're hungry." FML

By Anonymous - 28/8/2011 21:41 - United States

15767

48316

Today, at last, my husband instigated sex for the first time since the honeymoon a few months ago when he started fondling me in bed. Then I realised he was asleep. FML

By - 19/2/2020 20:00

Just once

1811

173

Today, I e-mailed an employer to ask about a job I had applied for earlier. The employer in question was on vacation. The person who replied had the position which I had applied for mentioned in their signature. FML

By Farah - 26/9/2016 14:42 - Bangladesh

10766

774

Today, I got another email from Amazon asking me how I like my new Kindle. I don't have a Kindle. It's the one I bought my ex for Christmas, right before she left me while I was deployed overseas. FML

By tony1401 - 2/2/2010 16:00 - United States

32771

2738

Today, my husband and I announced at a family get-together that I'm pregnant with our fourth child. My dad sighed, and spent the rest of the evening acting moody and eventually muttering about how he'd raised a "damned brood mare." FML

By Anonyname - 18/5/2014 19:14 - United Kingdom

43176

10188

Today, my English professor bragged to my entire class about how good my essay was. He kept on saying great things about it for the duration of class. To my surprise, he'd given me a C-. When I asked why, his only response was: "I'm a hard grader." FML

By hardgraderorhardass - 24/2/2016 04:46 - United States - Bridgewater

22669

1517

Today, I got stuck behind a guy riding his bike 20 mph below the speed limit. I honked, cursed, screamed, and yelled, before finally managing to overtake him. Once I got home, I went outside to get the paper, and discovered that the biker lives just two doors down from me. FML

By kodijack - 25/1/2010 18:13 - United States

8636

35054

Today, I was taking a group shot with my friends when I asked a stranger to take the picture for us. He backed up and told us to squish closer together, and when he was at least 20 feet away, he turned and ran off with my camera. FML

By jacked - 2/10/2009 23:32 - United States

35086

18442

Today, I went into a music store to look into getting a new guitar. I picked up one that I was interested in and tried it out quietly. A sales representative approached me and asked me to "stop the noise and leave the guitars for serious customers." I've been playing for almost ten years. FML

By Anonymous - 26/5/2010 18:03 - Canada

37741

5990

Today, at my college, someone snatched my laptop out of my hands, so I chased him. Turns out I'm so overweight and slow that he moonwalked away facing me, while I sprinted my heart out. FML

By Jif_Creamy - 28/2/2016 05:00 - United States - Washington

21754

7072

Today, my wife and I had an argument serious enough to end our marriage, while overseas on vacation, with my whole family present. Three more days of awkward tension until we get to fly home and it all ends. FML

By overseasbummer - 14/11/2014 19:09 - Ireland - Dublin

36149

3890

Today, I found out that my ex-boyfriend stole a pair of my underwear, and still wears them to this day. FML

By anonymous - 22/2/2010 18:11 - Canada

30510

2921

Today, somebody broke into my car, just to steal the obviously fake $1,000,000 bill hanging from my rear-view mirror. FML

By jsyn - 9/11/2013 23:27 - United States - East Hampton

47991

11925

Today, a guy asked me out and said he was going to take me to a fancy restaurant where they make the food in front of you. I love Japanese food, so I was really excited. We went to Subway. FML

By mista_sandy - 11/4/2012 16:54 - Canada - Toronto

36503

5760

Today, my girlfriend and I were up late watching tv when an infomercial for "male enhancement" came on. I grabbed for my phone to make a call when my girlfriend said "O honey, dont buy that, it's okay that you're small." I was checking my voicemails. FML

By allyshah - 20/2/2009 20:15 - United States

52497

6341

Today, my former boss, a landlord, came through on his "parting gift" to me. I thought he was joking when he said he'd send a deranged tenant of ours cross-country by bus to stay with me for a week. It wasn't a joke. Send help. FML

By GeofftyGeoff - 27/10/2018 15:30

2009

146

Today, while showering, I finished off the shampoo bottle. I decided to see if I could shoot it into the trash can over the shower curtain. When I heard the successful "thunk", I got so excited I slipped and cracked my head open. FML

By bobuhbeartoe - 24/8/2009 04:36 - United States

33776

19879

Today, I found a banana on my bed. It was black and shriveled because I accidentally left it there after I thought I finished the whole bushel I bought last week. I've been sleeping in my bed all week and didn't notice. FML

By Twomanybananas - 23/1/2017 16:00

4548

3777

Today, I used text-to-speech just so that I can hear "I love you" for once. FML

By lonelyman - 20/11/2009 07:29 - United States

47116

7550

Today, I found out that my new boyfriend is a "Men's Rights Activist". FML

By not my bf anymore - 5/11/2015 21:15 - United States

22487

7509

Today, I went to take a dump at work, but the last person in the stall didn't flush. As I flushed for him, the shitty water splashed on my face. Some went in my mouth. FML

By Woody - 6/10/2018 14:00 - United States - Salt Lake City

2554

354

Today, my boyfriend transferred some money to me online. He put a joke reference of "Anal nice 'n cheap". We need to show a month-long bank statement to our mortgage broker tomorrow. FML

By Letteh - 19/5/2017 00:00

3994

506

Today, I went to hand in a resume. The secretary happened to be a girl I liked in high school. When leaving, I shook hands with the employer, waved goodbye to the girl, turned around and walked straight into a glass wall. FML

By Fred - 26/5/2011 06:00 - Canada

36004

6529

Today, my parents favoritism towards my brother really shone through when we moved house and he got the nicest and by far biggest room. I wouldn't mind, but my brother is in college overseas and never comes home. FML

By Anonymous - 3/10/2013 03:00 - United States - Decatur

48256

2669