Today, I realized my job is so boring that I spend most of my... - FML

By Anonymous - 16/9/2009 02:27 - United States

Today, I realized my job is so boring that I spend most of my time trying to take a dump than actually working. FML

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Weird kid

You snooze, you lose

Extreme late fees

By DearLord - 3/4/2020 23:00 - Canada

Next, on The Jerry Springer Show…

Today, I had to explain to my boss that masturbating in public is inappropriate. This isn't the first time this has taken place. FML

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By blackvogue - 1/4/2009 10:42 - Canada

Today, I got up early to prank my family. I put a bucket of ice water on top of a door frame so whoever walked through would get an icy surprise. After I was done, I went back to bed. I woke up groggy and disoriented like always and walked right through the doorway I had rigged. FML

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By nocakeforyou! - 15/3/2011 13:11

Today, I came home to my drunk husband, to find that he raided our fridge and freezer to soothe his beer munchies. That would have been fine, had he not eaten the top tier of our wedding cake I'd been saving to eat on our first wedding anniversary, which is in 4 days. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2013 08:56 - United States

Today, while having sex with my husband, he went soft. When I asked him what happened he said, "I'm about to fall asleep." He then plopped down on my chest and began to snore. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2019 00:01

Big Little Lies

Today, my boyfriend dumped me for a guy. I was the only one who knew he was bisexual. Now everyone thinks I "turned him gay." FML

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By dadyoureacunt - 21/9/2013 13:10 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my dad made a big show of sending me to my room and grounding me for a week. Not because he heard me cursing at my video game, but because I "swear like a little girl" and it embarrassed him in front of his friends. FML

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By Sigh - 19/2/2013 17:13 - United Kingdom - Waltham Abbey

Today, a woman strapped her 8-year-old son into the seat next to me on a transatlantic flight. Thinking they'd been unable to book seats together, I offered to swap seats with her. She said she'd booked it this way intentionally, because he's a "fucking brat" on flights. She was right. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2010 05:52 - United States

Today, I was working at my job as a cashier, checking out an elderly woman's groceries. She was very nice, and we chatted for a couple minutes. Once she had paid, she leaned close to me and said, very politely, "I'm so so sorry that I mistook you for a girl at first, young man." I AM a girl. FML

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By I can still feel it... - 24/8/2018 19:30 - United States - Midlothian

Today, my contact split completely in half at a wedding. Not only did I interrupt the vows with my scream of pain, but I was only able to fish out half of it. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2019 16:00

Today, I was at my job as a dental assistant and I was told to take an X-ray of a woman's teeth. As soon as I put the foam piece into her mouth, she projectile-vomited all over me and the floor. I had just started my 5-hour shift. FML

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By ThisGirl - 21/8/2012 02:30 - United States - Kennesaw

Today, I lost two terabytes' worth of photos to a friend's incompetence. He said he could save me some money and fix my slow computer for free. He ended up wiping the hard drive, and along with it, my photography portfolio from the last five years. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/2/2016 11:17 - United States

Today, I forgot to bring my lunch to work. I got so hungry, I resorted to eating antacid tablets from the medicine cabinet for lunch. FML

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By krfenton8 - 11/1/2016 06:49

Today, I had a bad feeling about walking to work because of the weather. Instead, I drove. My car slid on the ice and I created a four-car pile up. All three of the other people involved have decided to sue me. I should've walked. FML

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By Danana - 26/1/2009 21:08 - Canada

Today, one of the kids I was babysitting tried to hard boil eggs using the microwave. You cannot hard boil eggs using the microwave. It makes a mess. This we have learned. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2009 20:18 - United States

Today, my good buddy of about two years set me up on a blind date. I got to the meeting point and realized that my date was a guy. My "buddy" honestly thought I was gay. FML

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By Otherguy - 18/11/2008 07:36 - France

Today, I was at a restaurant with a girl I like, and as I was getting my wallet out, I dropped a condom. She didn't see anything, and I didn't dare pick it up in case I drew attention to the "object". The waiter walked past, picked up, and held it out to me with a huge grin. FML

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By RensM - 20/8/2011 09:54 - New Zealand

Today, I went to the movies. I was seated next to a woman who talked through the film and said: "Awwww" every time she saw a primate. I went to see 'Rise of Planet of the Apes'. FML

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By moronforadad - 5/1/2013 02:04 - United Kingdom - Carshalton

Today, during dinner, my mum asked why I've been so upset recently, so I just admitted it was because my girlfriend had cheated on me. At some point during my venting, I asked why this stuff always seems to happen to me. My dad looked up from his plate and said, "Probably karma." FML

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By 44haley44 - 12/7/2011 17:25 - United States

Today, I woke up to my pants off and my vibrator still on. I fell asleep masturbating. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2012 08:24 - United States

Today, after complaining that I had nothing to write about in my weekly journal for college, my professor suggested in front of everyone that I should get a girlfriend. FML

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By RBHSWedgieGirl - 23/1/2011 01:35 - United States

Today, while walking across campus, I stopped to look at my reflection in a window. I straightened my bra straps and then turned to the side to dig a wedgie out. It wasn't until I heard peals of laughter that I realized I couldn't see IN the classroom, but they could see OUT. FML

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By sel2207 - 6/1/2009 03:27 - France

Today, I lent my brand new earrings to one of my friends. Everyone told her that they are pretty, and look really great on her. I've been wearing them for the last 3 weeks, and no one has ever mentioned them. FML

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By pumpkinlover89 - 27/3/2010 08:26 - United States

Today, I waked in on my boyfriend and his best friend playing "Dick Wars" while wearing glow in the dark condoms. FML

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By FitnessFirst - 25/11/2015 00:38 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I painfully watched my doctor burn a hole in my nail to drain the blood underneath. This is the prescribed treatment for the injury of hammering your thumb. FML

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By ilovefootball - 7/9/2009 19:21 - United States

Today, I was walking on a busy street. I saw this beautiful blonde walking across the street and a car was coming. I wanted to be like in the movies where the guy pushes the girl out of the way so she doesn't get hit. I accidentally pushed her the wrong way. Right into the car. FML

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By me - 22/1/2013 18:49 - United States - Peabody

Today, I went and bought lunch for all the people I work with. The only meal the place forgot was mine. FML

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By Noname - 18/3/2009 01:24 - United States

Today, while I was out to eat, I was approached by the restaurant manager. He told me that while he respected my personal choices, his patrons didn't feel comfortable with someone who used to be a man using the women's restroom. He thought I was a transsexual. I am a naturally-born female. FML

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By Hesjustapuppy - 10/5/2016 12:56 - United States - Kalamazoo

Today, while I have never been able to say my dog ate my homework, I do get to call several people and tell them my dog ate my wallet. He even chewed up my driver's license. FML

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By frenchy - 6/2/2009 00:55 - United States

Today, my friends and I go to a bar and get wasted. I walk around and see a kid. I start yelling, "There's a child in this bar! There's a CHILD in this BAR!" She turns around. She was a midget. FML

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By whatsmccraken - 10/9/2009 12:37 - Taiwan

Today, I was on a 12 hour trans-Atlantic flight overseas. I asked the flight attendant where this rancid smell was coming from. The guy sitting next to me started laughing, saying, "Sorry, something I ate is not agreeing with me." This was hour 1 of the flight. FML

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By live2dance4ever - 6/7/2019 14:00

Today, I went to attend my summer school class again after being out sick for a week. When I said "Here" during roll call, everyone started cheering and clapping. Apparently, my professor has been badmouthing me while I've been absent for pretending to be sick. I'm sure my grade will be fantastic. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2013 07:53 - United States - Carbondale

Today, I was complimented by a stranger, who said I looked great in my outfit. I thanked her, and she immediately gave me a fist-bump. I stared curiously, and she explained: she was arguing with her friends about whether I'm a man or a woman. The pitch of my voice was the answer. FML

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By papertrains - 20/2/2010 15:13 - Singapore

Today, I went to the hospital to get my ingrown toenail removed. The doctors put me on a little surgery table and told me to relax. They then injected anesthetic into my toe four times and used a pair of scissors to slowly cut through my nail. Only, the anesthetic hadn't started to work just yet. FML

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By spiderlady - 21/9/2015 03:00 - United States

Today, I walked face first into a near-invisible spiderweb. There's nothing worse than the feeling of a spider web wrapped around your face. Except maybe the feeling of the spider that saw my screaming mouth as a good hiding spot. FML

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By Notabum - 31/8/2009 04:30 - United States

Today, I received official notification that my license was being suspended for multiple DUIs. Apparently, my brother is a drunk and has been using my ID. FML

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By lois2lane - 23/12/2009 07:15 - United States

Today, a car was tailgating and honking at me while trying to pass me, so I decided to be a bitch back and go extremely slow. We got to a two lane road and the car passed me up. The man in the front seat flipped me off while pointing to his wife in the back seat who was clearly in labor. FML

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By confused - 2/9/2010 21:09 - Canada

Today, I found out that my employers hired me under the assumption that I was gay. Apparently, they are attempting to be perceived as more open-minded. I'm not gay, but I'm afraid being straight could cost me my job. FML

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By cacheson - 5/3/2020 03:02

Trip Advisor rating: 5 turds

Today, I checked into a hotel for a work trip. When I walked in, the sheets and bath mat were stained, and there was soap-encrusted hair stuck in my folded towel. When I got back later in the day, all my stuff was gone because they apparently thought I'd checked out. FML

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By annie - 14/10/2018 12:00

Today, my mother-in-law visited. She saw my 5-year-old son rip open a chip bag, causing chips go everywhere. She got up in his face and started screaming at him about how he has an "attitude problem". He doesn't, he's autistic and genuinely has trouble with food packaging. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2011 21:10 - Lebanon

Today, I was having sex with my fiancé when he stopped and said, "Boy, what I wouldn't give for a burger right now." FML

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Top comments

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#566489 - Wednesday 16 September 2009 10:01

Shitty job, eh?

By 3rere | 0

#566494 - Wednesday 16 September 2009 10:02

your bored and the first thing you do to kill time is take a dump?

COMMENTS

By theluckygirl28 | 8

#566486 - Wednesday 16 September 2009 9:58

wow that is a lot of toilet time. haha. what do you work as?

Reply

ydi_bitch | 0

#566531 - Wednesday 16 September 2009 10:32

Toilet Clogger

Reply

PsYcHoSOADLaDy | 0

#566537 - Wednesday 16 September 2009 10:58

Porta-Potty Cleaner :D

Reply

HahaYDI | 0

#566659 - Wednesday 16 September 2009 13:13

Burger King worker!!

Reply

MsTs1 | 0

#567239 - Wednesday 16 September 2009 19:59

no one said working is supposed to be fun . YDI for not going to college and choose a career that interests you

Reply

Kylias | 6

#567315 - Wednesday 16 September 2009 20:28

#13, #14, #21;

You are my favorite. :D

Reply

JohnnyTheFox | 0

#567871 - Thursday 17 September 2009 0:20

You think you have it bad? Pooing is the most exciting part of almost every day for me.

Reply

CDS09 | 0

#568059 - Thursday 17 September 2009 1:41

if you dont like it quite, if you want the money stop complaining....sorry but not every job is great....its more like an F my employers life

"today I found out I have been paying a worker to take extremely long dumps since she thinks the job is boring but won't quit"

Reply

Fenali | 0

#568548 - Thursday 17 September 2009 4:43

#13, I love you.

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#566489 - Wednesday 16 September 2009 10:01

Shitty job, eh?

Reply

Starchild21 | 3

#566503 - Wednesday 16 September 2009 10:07

Lol my thoughts exactly :D

#2 ftw

____________________________
www.myspace.com/rapid99

Reply

sucktobeyou | 0

#566560 - Wednesday 16 September 2009 11:55

wtf...did you actually type (or copy and paste) you myspace signature every time you comment??

By 3rere | 0

#566494 - Wednesday 16 September 2009 10:02

your bored and the first thing you do to kill time is take a dump?

By brendiz | 0

#566500 - Wednesday 16 September 2009 10:05

LOL the real FML here is FYL for being so damn constipated!

Reply

allmidnighteyes | 10

#566504 - Wednesday 16 September 2009 10:08

This wouldn't be the case if she took her Benefiber tablets after every meal.

By Glam_fml | 0

#566505 - Wednesday 16 September 2009 10:09

If it takes you 8 hours to take a dump, you have bigger things to worry about than having a boring job.

Reply

sjks | 0

#566513 - Wednesday 16 September 2009 10:15

my thoughts exactly

By Kenpachi_fml | 0

#566508 - Wednesday 16 September 2009 10:11

is it illegal for girls to take dumps??

Reply

waterynuggets | 0

#566523 - Wednesday 16 September 2009 10:21

I'm about to go break the law right now

Damn that illegal mexican meat!

Reply

Kenpachi_fml | 0

#566588 - Wednesday 16 September 2009 12:19

Dont hold back

By null_fml | 11

#566525 - Wednesday 16 September 2009 10:25

What... the... fuck...?

By moonlight_daze | 8

#566529 - Wednesday 16 September 2009 10:30

Wait.. What?

It seems like you could get fired for that..

By lambchops1213 | 0

#566548 - Wednesday 16 September 2009 11:13

i work with 4 guys that do that......i think its funny when they tell me what they are gunna do for the next 15 mins lol

By generalfartimus | 0

#566563 - Wednesday 16 September 2009 12:01

Wow. I like poop. It's kinda like fart.. :)