Today, my dad offered to pay me $40 to wash his car. Needing money to buy a video game, I agreed, and went out in the freezing weather to do the job. I finished the task, only to be paid in Monopoly money. My dad still hasn't gotten over how "funny" his prank was. FML
The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs
Run for your life
Today, I realized I was getting a bit chubbier than usual. I decided to go for a little jog to stay in shape. Little did I know, my neighbors that just moved in brought along with them, a fully grown German Shepherd. Not tamed. My "jog" quickly turned into a "sprint for my life". FML
Today, after a few weeks of my dad setting up glue traps in the garage to trap mice, I found out what it's like to have a pigeon wander in and get its foot stuck on one. FML
Axelerate tells us more.
Axelerate 23
Hey all. I'll fill you in so you guys can sleep peacefully at night. My brother came home from lunch and was in a rush to head out back. His remote for the garage door wasn't working so he left it open. That's when the pigeon walked in. He called me to let me know and to close the door. I stepped out and I heard what sounded like a bird flapping like crazy. I checked around and I saw the bird's foot stuck on the trap. I had no idea these traps were set (they were under the space of the shelves we have all around) but I fit the pieces together seeing how we had mice problems a while back. I put on some gardening gloves to hold it while soaking the foot with warm water. He moved a little bit more to the point his bottom half body THEN got stuck. I ended up calling the vet and explaining the situation to them to see what they could do or anything else I could do. After the awkward silence, they told me I could bring it in for them to sedate and see what they could do themselves. If nothing worked then they would have to euthanize it. Feeling bad for the little guy I was getting ready to drive there when I remembered we had Goo Gone. I poured a lot on the trap and he managed to get off! He just walked out the garage door and I assume he flew away. I didn't follow it but haven't seen handicapped bird around here haha. Birds like to bathe and it's been cloudy and rainy here in Vegas so I'm hoping he managed to rinse everything off. :)
Today, I discovered that I can fit back into the clothes I wore in High School. I was proud of this until my husband told me that I look like a stuffed sausage in them. FML
Are you sure?
Today, after a long therapy session, in which I poured out all my feelings of how happy and in love I am with whom I believe to be my soul-mate, my shrink asked me if I was sure this guy wasn't a figment of my imagination. FML
Sorry guys
Today, I was taking the bus back to my university campus, having left work early feeling sick. While on the bus I started retching. I managed to hold it in for a while, but as I stood up to get off the bus, I started puking through my mouth and nose. This was in front of twenty other passengers. FML
TMI FML
Today, due to my boyfriend teasing me about me possibly having been conceived on a beach because I was born in Hawaii, I finally asked my mom if I really was. She said no, but then told me in detail how much sex on a beach hurts when you get sand up your ass. FML
Today, I woke up after taking the new sleeping pills I was prescribed for my insomnia. I slept for 12 hours and had 5 missed calls from my boss. FML
Today, I tried to tell my best friend how wrong she is to be dating a married man, whose wife happens to be pregnant with their first child. Our talk ended with her calling me a "meddling, frigid bitch" and me being told this is why I can't get laid. FML
Dillyduzit tells us more.
OP here. It's been three years since the incident, and I finally took the time to read all the comments and figured I can now do a complete follow-up. My best friend and I were in our senior year of high school, and the married man she was seeing was a few years older than us. I didn't know him or his wife. Basically, the guy had a long-term girlfriend who he left because he moved across the country, where he met my best friend. She dated him and lost her virginity to him, so he was her "first love" and that whole deal. He went back to his old town to visit friends and family, slept with his ex, and then came back to my best friend who didn't know. He found out his ex was pregnant, dumped my best friend, and married his ex who moved across the country to be with him and raise their family. My best friend was heartbroken, but I guess he was telling her that he still loved her and was only married to his wife because she was pregnant, but he would eventually leave his wife for her. She- being vulnerable and young- believed it and kept seeing him. Looking out for my friend's best interests, I tried to tell her that what she was doing was wrong- not just for the wife and kid, but for herself, because he obviously was using her and had no intentions of leaving his pregnant wife. She didn't like what I was saying and essentially told me to **** off. I didn't tell the wife (even though I wanted to) because I didn't know her and didn't need my best friend to be mad at me. I was kind of afraid of her because she has a very aggressive personality and I've always been very passive. But anyway, she eventually found someone else and ended things with the cheating asshole. It took some time though. Nevertheless, her and I are still friends. We dropped the "best" though and I keep her at arm's length because new incidents have arisen throughout the past couple of years that made me realize she doesn't deserve my friendship. Karma also helped a girl out and I'm happily married while she still searches for someone who will love her despite the fact that she's crazy. And you best believe I've been keeping my husband far away from her. Thanks for reading! Sorry this was so long.
Today, I found out how it feels to have my groin catch fire due to a magic trick going wrong. FML
Today, I realized my girlfriend has more hair on her abdomen than I have on mine. FML
Today, I uploaded my latest picture onto a photography website. It only got one comment, and even that was from someone advising me to never use the same hideous model ever again. It was a self-portrait. FML
Today, I met a really hot chick while waiting for the bus. We spoke for 4 hours till we got to our destination. She hugged me and we parted ways. Later that day I realised she stole my phone. FML
Butterfingers
Today, I dropped my urine sample on my pants. Not only do I now not have a sample, it looks like I pissed myself. FML
Today, I was at a shooting range with my father. The target was a creepy poster of a man. My father said, "This one is for your boyfriend." Perfect groin shot. FML
Today, I told a guy at work about my boyfriend. His immediate response was to ask me if I was making him up. He's the third person to react this way. FML
Today, my grandmother drunk dialed me at midnight to wish me a happy new year. I was already in bed. My grandmother has a better social life than I do. FML
Today, I found out my fiancé is already married when his wife showed up at my door. That's about the same time she found her husband is gay, and that Ashley can be a man's name. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, and gave his little speech, over the phone. He did all this while his ass was firmly planted in a chair in the next room. FML
Thanks, asshat
Today, I arrived at the pizza place I work at to find that I'd been fired. Apparently, the class stoner came in last night and not only demanded a free pizza, but also claimed that I always gave him one. I've never talked to this kid in my life, but my boss still doesn't believe me. FML
FREAKOUT!
Today, at work, I helped out an employee who was having trouble. I even bought her a bottle of water. After the production manager decided to fire her on the spot, she went out in the parking lot and broke into several cars, including mine. FML
Today, I was doing it with my girlfriend. Trying to be sexy, I moaned her name. She replied, "What?" FML
Today, it's my birthday. The only thing I got was a coupon for a couples acupuncture session from my sister. I'm single and have an extreme fear of needles. FML
Today, I attended my college roommate's wedding. We were best friends for 4 years, but have only talked occasionally since graduation. I was looking forward to meeting her new husband, having heard so much about him during our conversations. Turns out she forgot to mention he's my ex. FML
Today, I was driving down a dark country road with the windows down. Suddenly, a giant barn owl flew through my side-window and smacked into my head, causing me to drive into a ditch. FML
Today, it's been a week since my little brother took up his new hobby of posting "cool story, bro" in reply to almost every Facebook status and comment that I make. Not only do I already want to smash his face against a brick wall, my parents will ground me if I defriend any family members. FML
Today, my parents had a long discussion on whether a cut on my arm looked like a vagina. FML
Get back here!
Today, I texted my flatmate to ask him when he would be paying his portion of the rent, since he has told me he would be late this month. He wrote back to inform me that he had moved out last night while I was away, and that he won't be paying me anything. FML
Today, I got a package in the mail from my girlfriend. I was really excited until I realized that it was just a box full things that I gave to her. FML
Wreckless Eric
Today, I backed into an expensive SUV only minutes after my boss congratulated me for being the only employee to not wreck a company car. FML