Today, my father lectured me for dating a man with "no future",...

By WayToGoDaddyHo - 8/7/2015 06:17 - United States - Beaverton

Today, my father lectured me for dating a man with "no future", even though he's entering a PhD program next year at a top university. Meanwhile, my dad's last relationship was with a 20-year-old hooker who ended up stealing his credit cards. FML

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Miscellaneous

Ghosted

Weird kid

Noise

By Sean - 9/9/2013 21:04 - United States

Today, I went to my insurance company to deal with some paperwork. One of their employees backed into my car before I made it into the building. FML

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By skyllabeauty1234 - 23/7/2015 03:18 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I am probably the only person in the world who can manage to pull a muscle in their neck while brushing their teeth. FML

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By thenewgirlfriend - 26/5/2013 14:15 - United States - League City

Today, I cut my bangs. When I asked my boyfriend if he liked it he said, "It's like I'm dating a new girl, this way I won't get bored with you." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2013 21:40 - Canada - Markham

Today, my brother finally paid me the $60 he owed me. I later found out that he'd stolen those $60 from my wallet. FML

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By Sacho - 24/10/2019 20:00

Hiking is so much fun!

Today, 4 miles into a mountain hike with my crush, I suddenly felt a stomach pain, followed by the urge for explosive diarrhea. I had to stand still with my butt clenched to prevent shitting myself. There were no nearby bathrooms, and I didn't have any toilet paper. It was messy. She'll never see me the same. FML

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By AussieG75 - 21/7/2012 04:48 - United States - Saint Augustine

Today, I heard screaming coming from my neighbor's house. Since her husband has a history of abusing her, I called the cops. After they left with him in custody, she called to yell at me because they were "working things out" after "having a few drinks". FML

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By bigmouth - 2/8/2009 07:35 - United States

Today, I was working as a host at a pasta dinner. The hostess I was working with was very attractive and we were flirting quite a bit. A large woman walked in to be seated, and I leaned over to her and dared her to ask the woman if she wanted two chairs. She leaned back and said "that's my mom". FML

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By dkajxu - 12/8/2009 12:57 - Singapore

Today, while studying in the middle of the night, my dad came home drunk. I helped him to the sofa and after clearing up his mess, he started going on about how useless my sister Vanessa was, and how good a daughter I am. I am Vanessa. FML

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By NoorFML - 19/10/2012 14:37 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, my mom was feeling down, so I decided to buy her a gift. Knowing she likes lighthouses, I bought her a tiny one that plugs in and lights up. I brought it home, plugged it in, and when she saw me with it, she said, "Wipe that smirk off your face and get that junk out of here." FML

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By Mamaofdrama - 6/4/2019 18:00

Today, I was working on potty training my daughter. She opened the fridge while I wasn't looking and peed all over the lower shelf. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2015 08:19 - Sri Lanka - Colombo

Today, a colleague told me he was pretending to be me on a dating site, and that he has four pending dates. Last time I tried being myself, my first and only date pushed me down some stairs. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2017 00:00

Today, I learned that the college I'm going to in the fall has been tampering with their ratings on the internet and actually only has a 5% graduation rate. Everything's already been paid for and I can't transfer elsewhere. FML

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By yepintheladiesroom - 7/6/2014 21:37 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I used a public toilet. After I did my business in the stall and walked out, I was confronted by the sight of a man standing on tip-toes, holding his penis up to the automatic hand-dryer. Doubt I'll get that image out of my head any time soon. FML

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By Ah hell - 31/1/2009 14:43 - United States

Today, I woke up with the worst hangover of my life. My best friend comes over and informs me that I had sex with my girlfriend's two best friends last night. Awesome! Then I realized her best friends are guys. FML

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By beckbr - 2/2/2009 00:51 - United States

Today, I asked a little old lady in line at my work why she wasn't out enjoying the beautiful day with all her friends. Her response, "I'd love to, but they're all dead." FML

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By ...... - 16/5/2012 22:29 - United States

Today, I was in the hospital with rib injuries after being rear-ended by a truck. The doc said, "Well, you'll probably feel like you've been hit by a truck for a while." Everyone laughed, except me. When I said he was being insensitive, he replied, "Calm down, I'm just ribbing you." FML

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By MaryJane - 7/8/2019 02:00

Today, my best friend told me she didn't want to be my friend anymore, because she wanted to start afresh in college and have pretty friends. FML

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By GlueAndCarrots - 29/5/2015 15:05 - Canada - Markham

Today, my girlfriend threatened to break up with me because I crossed the street without holding her hand. FML

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By Redfaced - 15/5/2013 16:54 - United Kingdom - Walsall

Today, I was sitting next to an attractive man. Much to my surprise, he started stroking his foot against mine. I was happy at the flirting because I've been attracted to him forever, so I played along. That's when he stood up and explained he was trying to stretch out a cramp. FML

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By lovehurts - 28/12/2010 20:41 - United States

Today, after breaking up with my girlfriend of two years over the phone, I recieved a knock on my door. It was my now ex-girlfriend who came to seek revenge by shooting me in the balls with a paintball gun at about a three foot range. FML

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By Tess - 18/3/2020 02:01 - United States - Burlington

The Haunting of FML House

Today, hidden deep in my husband's closet, I found a shrine dedicated to a woman named Felicity. After further investigation, I saw printouts of my husband's detailed fantasies of phone sex conversations with Felicity. Felicity was his first wife, and has been dead for nine years. FML

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By swana99 - 4/9/2013 20:39 - United States - Woburn

Today, I went to my first class of the year. The first thing the teacher said was, "I hate this f*cking school." FML

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By masterofblues - 24/7/2009 04:18 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. As everything was ending, I tried to save the relationship by telling her how much I cared about her. Her response? "Please stop. You're gonna make me feel bad." FML

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By lpspann87 - 25/4/2011 17:02 - United States

Today, I moved to Florida because I have poor circulation and need to be in a warm environment. The first day at my new job, I discovered my co-worker is an overweight man who wears a wool suit every day, and insists on keeping the office chilled to 65 degrees. I can't feel my fingers or toes. FML

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By dk_2k16 - 12/4/2016 20:29 - United States - Hattiesburg

Today, I went to take my permit test. I had been studying for months and was familiar with the whole book. When I sat down to take my test, I didn't recognize any of the questions. I went home and found out the book I used to study was the book my mom used to take her test in 1970. FML

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By vagina dentata for christmas, pls - 25/1/2013 18:51 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my new boyfriend, and he took me back to his house for the first time. Taped to his bedroom door was a sheet of paper emblazoned with the words: "THE RAPE DUNGEON". I feel safer already. FML

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By it's v - 17/3/2018 08:00 - United States - Denver

Today, after my flight arrived late, I ran 60 gates to get my connecting flight. I sprinted up to the gate agent, completely out of breath, and he looked at me, shut the door, and said, “The door is shut. You’re too late.” FML

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By stupid - 7/7/2009 18:33 - United States

Today, I saw a spot on my computer screen. I tried to use my finger to rub it off. Then, I tried using my nail. Then I tried to windex it off. I continued scratching at it with my nail. A half hour and one scratched screen later, I realized the spot was part of the webpage I was looking at. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2014 15:28 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I almost got written up for insubordination by my boss. All I did was explain to him that I couldn't help a tourist out because I speak Japanese, not Korean, and that it's not in fact "the same Asian shit" as he seemed to think. FML

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By chichi - 7/2/2009 20:09 - United States

Today, I went to Subway to grab some lunch. As I was paying, the cashier gave me a tip. He told me of a great acne medication that would do wonders. Thanks. FML

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By little_star78 - 13/11/2013 11:08 - United States - Bloomfield Hills

Today, I tried to put the little girl I babysit in timeout for lying to me. I was about to sit her down when she made a mad dash for the basement stairs, slipped on the wood floor, and fell down them. She told her parents and everyone at the ER that I had thrown her down the stairs. FML

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By Amanda - 11/8/2009 05:52 - United States

Today, I went to Safeway. Go in, get stuff, come out, and I have almost no room to get into my car because an SUV was parked in a compact spot next to me all crooked. Irritated, I got a pen and paper and wrote 'Nice parking you F*ing idiot' and stuck it on the windshield. Then I notice someone was in the SUV. FML

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By streeted - 18/9/2010 14:27 - United States

Today, after selling some furniture and jewelry to make the rent this month, I woke up to find a foreclosure notice. The landlord hasn't paid the mortgage in 6 months, so I'm evicted anyway. FML

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By 12yearsoldapparently - 6/7/2015 23:02 - United States - Charleston

Today, I was finally going to break down my social barrier by going out on a date with a nice guy I recently met on a dating site. Just at the start of the date, he asked me how old I was, and out of pure nervousness, I blurted out, "12!" I'm 24. FML

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By hardtotell - 22/1/2010 00:45 - United States

Today, a man I don't know came up to me and started screaming about how "all you damn Mexicans were stealing American's jobs" and he stormed off. I'm Native American, and I'm pretty sure we've been here longer. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2014 18:38 - United States - Spring Hill

Today, my new calculus teacher taught everything using nothing but soccer terms and analogies, just so the resident idiot meatheads would understand. I didn't learn a thing. FML

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By pathetic - 20/8/2010 09:51 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of a year and I had sex for the first time in several weeks due to relationship problems; I came in less than 10 seconds. We're still having problems. FML

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By badboyfriends - 15/5/2009 05:44 - United States

Today, my best friend got a new boyfriend. She asked him what he wanted for his upcoming birthday, and he said he just wanted to hang out with her and watch a movie or two. I thought it was sweet, so I asked my boyfriend what he would like for his upcoming birthday. He said a blow job. FML

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By ANON - 13/8/2013 23:53 - United States - Sacramento

Today, while cleaning my ears with Q-tips, I came in my pants. FML

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By jaydiv - 22/11/2009 09:15 - Australia

Today, I saw my cat outside taking a dump. I pulled back the curtain and watched him clean it up, because I found it fascinating that animals can do that. I must have been standing there for several minutes before I noticed the neighbour next door looking at me being fascinated by my cat pooing. FML

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Top comments

By MattStro | 23

#6344420 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 15:14

I suggest pointing that out to him and then I doubt he'll ever criticize your choices again.

By BlueScales | 15

#6344421 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 15:15

And he's talking trash about YOUR relationship? Wow

COMMENTS

By MattStro | 23

#6344420 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 15:14

I suggest pointing that out to him and then I doubt he'll ever criticize your choices again.

jerzjay | 17

#6344433 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 15:25

Well that's true because her dad would never speak to her again, if she called him out like that. Father's are ridiculously prideful

chinaski7628 | 32

#6344441 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 15:39

If he's anything like my dad, he'll always find something to criticize-- and fail to see his own hypocrisy. Geez, no wonder I'm in therapy....

grimpeeper | 13

#6349267 - Monday 13 July 2015 6:01

Either that or she'll get the snot slapped out of her like other people on this site.

By BlueScales | 15

#6344421 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 15:15

And he's talking trash about YOUR relationship? Wow

AKFusion | 12

#6344831 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 23:22

Guess he wanted her to find someone with a real job like the working girl he had...

By anonymuse_fml | 31

#6344422 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 15:16

Jealous that you're doing so much better than him in the dating game, maybe?

ScarredVox92 | 16

#6344456 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 16:12

my thoughts exactly.

teentee401 | 36

#6344498 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 17:11

Yeah, he's probably just talking OP down to make himself feel better.

By HUGBUG | 23

#6344423 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 15:16

What an idiot. Ur bf has a future your probably very lucky

JustinJK | 21

#6344776 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 21:57

Your boyfriend has a future. You're probably very lucky. *

By DaRito | 25

#6344424 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 15:16

Wow, you should keep dating that guy and try to explain to your dad that his lecture was kind of hypocritical.

By worldclassrager | 39

#6344425 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 15:18

Reverse that statement...or he means that for the time being since he'll still be in school in the future

By warped_executive | 16

#6344426 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 15:19

Sorry, that sucks but at least you have someone worthy. He maybe just feels down.

By Isandri | 29

#6344428 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 15:20

it's always so easy to lecture other people yet make the same exact mistakes. Sorry OP

By echarlotte | 19

#6344432 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 15:24

Wouldn't be taking any life advice from him OP

By tranced_ | 43

#6344435 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 15:27

so he cares for you more than he cares for himself. .ydi

ShadowlessSpear | 21

#6344561 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 18:31

Did you read the story?

Pat5519 | 14

#6344618 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 19:16

#12 = jackass