Miscellaneous: Today, my father lectured me for dating a man with "no future",...

By WayToGoDaddyHo - 08/07/2015 06:17 - United States - Beaverton

Today, my father lectured me for dating a man with "no future", even though he's entering a PhD program next year at a top university. Meanwhile, my dad's last relationship was with a 20-year-old hooker who ended up stealing his credit cards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 882

You deserved it 1 808

Miscellaneous

You tried

Walk the line

You're my mommy now

By Whoopsie - 30/06/2014 19:51 - United States - Worcester

Today, I woke up loudly screaming from a "night" terror. I say "night"; I was actually at my desk at work, in the middle of the day, surrounded by dozens of co-workers in their cubicles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 731

You deserved it 11 081

By earlytermination - 06/09/2015 03:31 - United States

Today, I was visiting my grandmother at her retirement community. Bingo is really popular there and she loves it, so I went thinking it would be a fun activity for us. I won the jackpot and my car got keyed by a group of angry old people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 972

You deserved it 2 430

My pleasure

By billjoebob424 - 07/02/2020 01:00 - Canada

Today, I've realised that I give my girlfriend more pleasure with back rubs than with anything sexual. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 197

You deserved it 689

By spinster - 16/09/2015 02:10 - United States - Lubbock

Today, as I was creeping on social media, I realized that literally everyone I've ever dated is either happily married, engaged, or in a relationship. My last date was at the beginning of the summer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 282

You deserved it 3 881

By irresponsible - 14/08/2010 20:41 - United States

Today, I missed my shift at work. I had asked my girlfriend, who works at the same store, to text me my schedule. She sent me the wrong hours for today. I got suspended, and she broke up with me for being too irresponsible. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 914

You deserved it 8 843

By washed - 11/10/2009 23:30 - United States

Today, I learned that my boyfriend hides valuables in the washing machine under dirty clothes when leaving town for the weekend. I learned this AFTER I'd done a load of laundry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 967

You deserved it 3 365

By Marfo101 - 16/01/2015 15:41 - Ghana - Accra

Today, a pretty girl joined the line at the bus station. I let her skip the line and go before me so I could sit next to her. After she bought her ticket, I realized there were no more seats left on that bus. I was told to get off, and had to take the next bus, sitting next to a snoring old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 290

You deserved it 13 371

By Fmycar - 26/09/2009 05:19 - United States

Today, my football team played in a game against our rival school that was just a few blocks away. We hadn't lost the game in exactly 49 years, we were playing for the 50th year win. We lost 63-0, and got booed off the field by our own crowd. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 357

You deserved it 37 995

By Tonguetied0496 - 10/12/2012 07:21 - United States - Claremont

Today, I met my girlfriend's father for the first time; he asked me to explain my interest in dating her. In a mix of me trying to say "I want to be with your daughter" and "I want to be in your daughter's life" I got confused and said, "I want to be in your daughter." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 819

You deserved it 7 375

By UH-OH - 15/03/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, I sat next to an attractive punk/rock guy on a plane. I decided to try to impress by playing music I thought he would like. I clicked The Who and opened a large window with the album cover, so he could see. The track then shuffled, and he was face to with a giant image of Miley Cyrus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 686

You deserved it 117 392

Babyface

By all tweened out - 20/02/2015 20:00 - Canada

Today, I drove alone for the first time since I passed my test. I kept getting weird looks from other drivers and got pulled over by a cop. He said I was clearly underage and was sure my license was fake. Almost half an hour later, he finally let me go. I hate having a baby-face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 880

You deserved it 2 729

By Ihatemylife - 03/03/2013 12:17 - Slovenia - Ljubljana

Today, in the middle of sex, my girlfriend asked me, "Are you sure you're a guy?" I still have no idea what that was for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 751

You deserved it 6 341

Baby fever

By Anonymous - 09/06/2021 14:02

Today, it's the fifth long-term boyfriend I’ve dumped because I want to be a mother but they didn’t want to be fathers. In fact, the last one laughed in my face and told me he’d be willing to get a cat, because cats require less effort than dogs, and don’t interrupt his PS4 time after work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 807

You deserved it 428

By Thatslife - 26/03/2011 19:29 - Netherlands

Today, I asked my friend what form of birth control she used the first time she had sex. She stared at me like I was from another planet and said, "You can't get pregnant the first time..." This moron is my best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 135

You deserved it 7 786

By Username - 12/09/2010 14:46 - France

Today, I went to a gay club with my supportive straight best friend to find me a date. Somehow, she managed to go home with a guy and I'm still decidedly single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 938

You deserved it 6 488

Humpty Dumpy

By traumatized - 12/04/2014 18:07 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was taking the biggest shit of my life. When I worked the thing out, it hit the water with such force that I got a toilet water enema from the backwash. I was so freaked out that I screamed and fell off the seat, prompting my husband to rush in to see what was wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 207

You deserved it 9 313

Landlords gonna landlord

By goingtobeevicted - 25/04/2013 06:28 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my new landlord and lettings agent made an illegal entry into my house. Unfortunately, at the time my boyfriend was buck naked, smoking a joint on the sofa, surrounded by the cats we aren't supposed to have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 859

You deserved it 48 112

By Anonymous - 14/05/2013 11:13 - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, I woke up to my dad emptying a water bottle on my head, because I needed to "get up for school" or I'd be late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 759

You deserved it 24 878

Shidding and farding

By Anonymous - 07/09/2021 08:01

Today, I was babysitting my friend's two year-old daughter. Within 15 minutes, she had crawled out of her crib, taken off her diaper, and smooshed her poop in between the cracks in the floor. I put her in the tub, left to get a towel, and came back to her pooping in the tub. FML

I agree, your life sucks 878

You deserved it 211

By Anonymous - 13/08/2013 06:36 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my teacher told the class that we had better like the people at our table because we would all be working together for the final group assessment. Everyone looked at me, stood up, and moved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 808

You deserved it 8 022

By honeybunny90 - 28/12/2013 08:23 - United States - Richmond

Today, my dog has found a new game he likes. It involves him rolling around on my new bed sheets to build up static electricity and run and poke me with his nose so I get shocked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 424

You deserved it 5 861

By Anonymous - 08/11/2011 17:20 - United States

Today, after holding it in for hours, I finally managed to run to the bathroom for a pee. I thought it was impossible for rats to climb up the sewer pipes and into the toilet, but apparently I was wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 809

You deserved it 2 721

Paranoia

By Anonymous - 22/11/2020 05:01 - Australia

Today, I offered help a customer to record his details, as he didn't have a scanner. He just stared at me, saying that he would never give any of his details if I typed them on my phone, as I could "do something else" without him knowing. He ended up canceling his orders and got upset on his way out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 726

You deserved it 101

By partypooper - 28/07/2009 06:34 - United States

Today, a friend asked me if I could help him set up the stage for his wedding. Feeling honored that he considered me a close enough friend to aid him on his special day, I agreed to help. Turns out we aren't so close. I was asked to leave after I was done because I hadn't actually been invited. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 370

You deserved it 3 005

By scarlet5000 - 26/09/2009 06:32 - United States

Today, there was a traffic accident on the highway which I normally take. I couldn't resist laughing at the driver since he was stupid enough to rear-end someone on the highway. What I didn't realize is that I forgot to pay attention to the road and rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 212

You deserved it 75 390

By wormsick - 06/12/2009 09:16 - United States

Today, I found out my diet and exercise plan wasn't nearly as effective when it comes to weight loss as I had originally thought. It turns out what really accounts for all the weight I've been losing is tape worms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 916

You deserved it 3 137

By Anonymous - 30/04/2015 02:08 - United States - Gardnerville

Today, I found the eggshells from the nest belonging to the little bird that lives outside my house. They were covered in blood and it was quite obvious that they had been eaten. While I was looking at them, the mother bird came over and attacked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 918

You deserved it 3 562

By Anon - 12/01/2012 13:34 - Australia

Today, I actually took pleasure in sniffing my armpits after 2 days of not showering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 258

You deserved it 41 633

Everyone's a Critic

By Kitten - 19/06/2018 15:00

Today, I was playing some children's music while I cooked so my two-year-old was entertained a little. I started dancing while cooking and she looked at me with a straight face and said, "Mama... Don't dance." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 909

You deserved it 640

By familypet - 09/01/2016 03:09 - United States - Vista

Today, I overheard my parents talking about our family pet. Or at least I thought they were, until my mother exclaimed, "Honestly, I don't know why we keep her." Our dog is male. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 537

You deserved it 1 782

By awilson - 11/09/2009 18:26 - United States

Today, I was eating MandMs on a chair when I dropped one and it fell under my crotch. My mom came in to see my hand on my crotch and me muttering, "Where is that little bastard?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 704

You deserved it 16 803

By Anonymous - 02/09/2018 03:30

Today, I woke up to my disabled mother screaming for me. Fearing the worst, I hopped out of bed only to find that she was yelling because her cat had brought a field mouse inside as a gift. The problem? It was still alive. I had to get it from him and throw it outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 477

You deserved it 225

By WhyIHateTeachers - 25/06/2015 03:49 - United States - Ormond Beach

Today, I submitted a poem for my English class. I had fun writing it, so I wrote a second which was not nearly as good. My procrastinator of a friend never did his, so I gave him my extra poem. Mine was given a 75% while "his" received a 93%. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 120

You deserved it 9 115

By Icy - 01/10/2009 06:59 - United States

Today, my crush was talking to me on Facebook. He said, "Did you know that 99% of the time a guy is talking to a girl it's because he wants to go out with her? Yeah, well, this is that 1%." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 646

You deserved it 3 696

By fmlgirl - 25/04/2009 18:41 - United States

Today, is my boyfriend and my 3 year anniversary. We decided to give each other something that we really needed. I bought him the $300 worth of books that he needed for college. He surprised me with a workout video and exercise equipment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 354

You deserved it 11 799

By woahitbechels - 25/04/2011 01:10 - United States

Today, I dreamed that I was kidnapped by Charlie Sheen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 941

You deserved it 12 582

By sarad206 - 19/02/2014 21:09 - United States

Today, I was cleaning the bathrooms at work. An older gentlemen came in and needed to use it. He said to me "Oh no, PLEASE stay, just don't look." I don't get paid enough for this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 386

You deserved it 3 815

The client is always right

By Falcka - 12/04/2021 04:59

Today, I was waitressing at the diner and a guy ordered two eggs, one scrambled and one poached. He hurled his plate at me angrily because they "scrambled the egg he wanted poached and poached the egg he wanted scrambled." He stormed out without paying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 323

You deserved it 60

By jaded_woman - 27/12/2009 06:58 - Australia

Today, I backed out of the driveway of our newly built home. Being unfamiliar with the driveway, I ended up getting bogged in the mud and slid halfway down the steep slope of the front yard, trying free myself. I haven't met my neighbours yet. They stood in their front lawns watching me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 071

You deserved it 4 218

By jerdub93 - 19/11/2011 08:40 - United States

Today, I was eating cereal while absentmindedly reading the box. I was amused when I found it expires on my birthday. Then I realized it expired on my birthday two years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 077

You deserved it 28 279

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Top comments

MattStro 23

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Wednesday 8 July 2015 15:14

I suggest pointing that out to him and then I doubt he'll ever criticize your choices again.

BlueScales 15

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Wednesday 8 July 2015 15:15

And he's talking trash about YOUR relationship? Wow

MattStro 23

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Wednesday 8 July 2015 15:14

I suggest pointing that out to him and then I doubt he'll ever criticize your choices again.

jerzjay 17

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Wednesday 8 July 2015 15:25

Well that's true because her dad would never speak to her again, if she called him out like that. Father's are ridiculously prideful

chinaski7628 32

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Wednesday 8 July 2015 15:39

If he's anything like my dad, he'll always find something to criticize-- and fail to see his own hypocrisy. Geez, no wonder I'm in therapy....

grimpeeper 13

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Monday 13 July 2015 6:01

Either that or she'll get the snot slapped out of her like other people on this site.

BlueScales 15

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Wednesday 8 July 2015 15:15

And he's talking trash about YOUR relationship? Wow

AKFusion 12

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Wednesday 8 July 2015 23:22

Guess he wanted her to find someone with a real job like the working girl he had...

anonymuse_fml 31

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Wednesday 8 July 2015 15:16

Jealous that you're doing so much better than him in the dating game, maybe?

ScarredVox92 16

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Wednesday 8 July 2015 16:12

my thoughts exactly.

teentee401 36

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Wednesday 8 July 2015 17:11

Yeah, he's probably just talking OP down to make himself feel better.

HUGBUG 23

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Wednesday 8 July 2015 15:16

What an idiot. Ur bf has a future your probably very lucky

JustinJK 21

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Wednesday 8 July 2015 21:57

Your boyfriend has a future. You're probably very lucky. *

DaRito 25

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Wednesday 8 July 2015 15:16

Wow, you should keep dating that guy and try to explain to your dad that his lecture was kind of hypocritical.

worldclassrager 39

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Wednesday 8 July 2015 15:18

Reverse that statement...or he means that for the time being since he'll still be in school in the future

warped_executive 16

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Wednesday 8 July 2015 15:19

Sorry, that sucks but at least you have someone worthy. He maybe just feels down.

Isandri 29

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Wednesday 8 July 2015 15:20

it's always so easy to lecture other people yet make the same exact mistakes. Sorry OP

echarlotte 19

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Wednesday 8 July 2015 15:24

Wouldn't be taking any life advice from him OP

tranced_ 44

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Wednesday 8 July 2015 15:27

so he cares for you more than he cares for himself. .ydi

ShadowlessSpear 21

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Wednesday 8 July 2015 18:31

Did you read the story?

Pat5519 14

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Wednesday 8 July 2015 19:16

#12 = jackass

Nearly

Today, I realized that I wore ripped jeand AND ripped boxers to work. Both ripped at the same place, in between the legs. The result was my looking down and seeing my dick halfway out of my trousers. I can't get up from my seat the rest of the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8

You deserved it 17

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 18

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 674

You deserved it 148

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 409

You deserved it 101

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