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OP here. I definitely threw away the toothbrush after this, and brushed my teeth with a brand new, mouse-free toothbrush for about 2 hours straight, and listerine listerine listerine o.o I keep my old toothbrushes around for such occasions when there's a hard to reach, disgusting mess to deal with such as this one XD Thanks for all your comments, I've had my tetanus shot lmao, still going to get checked out by a doctor ASAP

By kayadd33 - 10/04/2012 14:13 - Canada - Richmond

Today, my daughter sat me down for a long talk. It turns out that she thinks she is the Chosen One. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 118

You deserved it 3 650

kayadd33 tells us more.

kayadd33 0

Thursday 12 April 2012 4:01

She's 13 and perfectly normal in every other way...

By Anonymous - 27/10/2009 03:15 - United States

Today, at work, I realized that not everyone in the office needs to hear my explosive diarrhea through the a/c vents that interconnect through the entire building. I think an email was sent around, describing people's reactions in detail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 118

You deserved it 3 066

Mind games

By LittleRed - 05/03/2012 08:45 - United States

Today, I got more turned on by the idea of sex with my boyfriend than actually doing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 118

You deserved it 4 283

By Atletic - 30/11/2012 07:30 - United States - Syracuse

Today, I have three cracked ribs. I have also, for the first time in my life, developed a case of the hiccups that simply will NOT go away. It's been hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 118

You deserved it 1 791

By Exodiafinder687 - 12/04/2015 09:06 - United States - Tampa

Today, I was working in the garden, when some fire ants ran up my shorts and bit me on an intimate part of my anatomy. My 4 year old nephew will not stop telling people about my rapid strip tease. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 117

You deserved it 2 549

Exodiafinder687 tells us more.

Exodiafinder687 58

Monday 13 April 2015 13:59

I just want to thank everyone for their support. Always be careful of strange looking insects. You never know which ones are dangerous.

By jj159 - 25/02/2012 18:40 - United States

Today, I found out that the money my husband and I gave to my son for university courses, has instead been spent on pole dancing lessons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 116

You deserved it 3 764

By Desperate_measures - 16/01/2010 12:22 - Greece

Today, I got a text from my crush. In my clumsy attempt to quickly grab the phone, I knocked it off the kitchen counter and cracked the screen. After driving to my friend's house so I could put my sim card in her phone, I saw that the text said, "Who is this? Stop texting me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 116

You deserved it 14 793

By Anonymous - 17/07/2015 22:24 - Canada - Sackville

Today, my crazy drug-addict mother kicked me out of the house after siding with my crazy, drug-addict aunt, who'd just threatened to slit my throat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 116

You deserved it 2 021

By almost_a_pro - 23/04/2015 13:43 - Brazil - Rio De Janeiro

Today, I was home alone and tried to make some popcorn so I could watch a movie. Thirty minutes later, my parents came home and found me talking to the firemen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 113

You deserved it 9 098

Fleeing the scene

By Winxy - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - San Francisco

Today, my three-year-old nephew chose to jump out of a window and break his arm rather than be babysat by me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 113

You deserved it 4 550

Welcome back

By Soggy Sophia - 27/03/2013 15:44 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I went for my daily post-op doctor's appointment, where I was told I can resume normal activities. Which was handy when I came home to half-an-inch of water throughout my apartment, due to my washing machine drainage pipe coming undone while I was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 112

You deserved it 2 651

The bird's the word

By anonymous - 26/06/2012 06:05 - United States - Ridgewood

Today, I slammed my middle finger in a drawer. I screamed and my mom came running into the kitchen. She asked me what was wrong, so without thinking I stuck up my middle finger. She hasn't spoken to me since this morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 111

You deserved it 6 069

By Anonymous - 31/12/2014 20:29 - United States

Today, my mom tried to give me a pep talk to boost my self confidence. Somehow, it ended up turning into a conversation about how much of a loser I am and how I have no friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 110

You deserved it 2 897

By bastard magnet - 02/10/2011 22:14 - United States

Today, I came home crying after my boyfriend dumped me for another girl. My dad told me to come tell him what was wrong. I sat down and let it all out, after which he looked up from his book, into my eyes, and gave me his loving advice: "Just cry about it and move on to another bastard." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 110

You deserved it 7 965

Relatable

By anon - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I realized that the redneck, hick, abusive family that my co-workers always joke about is my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 109

You deserved it 4 109

By Anonymous - 12/06/2012 19:01 - United States - San Diego

Today, I volunteered at a soup kitchen. During the rounds, a grisly but nice young fellow told me that I had beautiful eyes. I was quite touched; that is until he leaned in and added, "Can I have them for my collection?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 109

You deserved it 2 145

Bingo is serious business

By earlytermination - 06/09/2015 03:31 - United States

Today, I was visiting my grandmother at her retirement community. Bingo is really popular there and she loves it, so I went thinking it would be a fun activity for us. I won the jackpot and my car got keyed by a group of angry old people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 108

You deserved it 2 470

By anonymous - 12/12/2014 01:17 - United States - Gainesville

Today, I noticed that I'm way more productive when I'm drinking than when I'm not. I think I just figured out why I'm related to so many alcoholics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 107

You deserved it 3 471

Alexa, play "I Ran" by A Flock of Seagulls

By John - 10/07/2013 02:48 - United States

Today, while leaving McDonald's, I threw a fry out the window to a flock of seagulls. I watched in the rear-view mirror as it landed in the opposite lane and about 60 winged rats descended upon the street, causing a truck to veer off the road and crash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 107

You deserved it 50 775

By Anonymous - 15/11/2010 09:35 - United States

Today, a guy at work was ranking the girls we work with in the order he'd want to date them. He told me I was 6th "because personality is important, too." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 106

You deserved it 5 442

By zzdug - 08/02/2010 03:19 - United States

Today, I got mauled by a cat named Mr. Sprinkles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 106

You deserved it 5 907

By Anonymous - 13/02/2012 04:45 - United States

Today, I was informed that my boyfriend's mother would be joining us on our Valentine's dinner. I'm not sure if this momma's boy thing is going to work out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 105

You deserved it 3 612

By Ballsy427 - 25/07/2014 12:05 - United States - Apo

Today, I was doing a design sketch for work. I snapped a pic and sent it to my boss. She replied, "Impressive. Nice sketch too." I was drawing at home, naked. My dick was in the picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 105

You deserved it 54 020

Ballsy427 tells us more.

Ballsy427 5

Saturday 26 July 2014 2:43

I am a design engineer. My boss is good looking, but married. I apologised the next day, she said no hard feelings, pun intended. 'she's very funny'

By Humiliated - 14/09/2009 12:58 - United States

Today, I was shaving and I sneezed unexpectedly. I ended up cutting myself so badly that I had to go to the emergency room. It wouldn't have been quite so humiliating if I hadn't been forced to show the extremely attractive doctor my sliced open and half shaved crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 103

You deserved it 5 415

By briang959 - 30/01/2015 23:28 - United States - Thomaston

Today, a booklet came in the mail, addressed to me and titled "How To Train Your Wife". I didn't order it but my wife doesn't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 103

You deserved it 2 575

briang959 tells us more.

briang959 47

Saturday 31 January 2015 17:49

I'm the OP. Thankfully my wife has a good sense of humor. We eventually found out some of our friends did this as a joke. :). Time to pay the prank forward. The comments are hilarious, BTW.

By Anonymous - 24/12/2011 08:38 - United States

Today, I worked 4 hours for a huge mail call to get all the troops their Christmas mail. And just like every other mail call I did not receive one package or letter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 103

You deserved it 2 519