Intimacy: Today, I was doing it with my girlfriend. Trying to be sexy,...

By undoable - United States

Today, I was doing it with my girlfriend. Trying to be sexy, I moaned her name. She replied, "What?" FML

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Intimacy

Commando

Mother of the year

Our House

By cnd1213 - United States

Today, I had to do my assistant manager's job because she doesn't know what the hell she is doing. I'd interviewed for this position but didn't get it because I'm "still too new for this position." FML

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By Tagged - United States

Today, I accidentally left the tag on the new pants that I wore to work. Nobody had brought it to my attention for the whole day until finally, before I was about to go home, every single employee and my boss let me know by yelling in unison and laughing as I left the building. FML

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By funnyERstory - United States - Houston

Today, I got my dick sucked. Unfortunately, it was by the vacuum nozzle my cousin stuck down my pants. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after years of telling my boyfriend I don't do anal, I agreed to try it once just to get him to stop whining about it. He was so gung-ho that he tried to force it in without doing enough "relaxing preparation" and he split the muscle around my ring. Now I need surgery. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was cleaning the litter box and found a large clump. I later found my 3-year-old peeing there instead of in the toilet. FML

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By troll of a gran - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, I took my grandma to what I thought was a nice movie. An actor used the word "cunt", which prompted her to ask what that word meant in a loud "whisper". She followed up even more loudly with, "Does that mean pussy?" FML

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By RedHotRoses

Today, I walked into my office and found my ex-roommate going through my desk. Apparently, despite not wanting to be friends or even speak anymore, he has no qualms about "borrowing" my Master's thesis so he can compare and write his. FML

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By caitiexob - United States

Today, I found a note in my locker from a really hot guy asking me to prom. I went up to him saying how excited I was to go. He said "Oh you got the note?" and slipped it into the locker next to me. FML

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By Fennec - France - Paris

Today, my coworkers and I were comparing the backgrounds we have on our phones. They pretty much sum up our love lives; everyone else's background is a photo of their boyfriend or girlfriend. Mine's a photo of a lifeless desert. FML

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By bdw89 - United States - Warrensburg

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years still can't get it that dry humping me and saying, "But I'm horny" in a goofy voice isn't a turn on. FML

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By mike4444 - France

Today, I bought myself a flower for Valentine's Day to be delivered to myself from "Anonymous". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got dragged along to a family dinner. Some idiot invited my douchebag vegan uncle, who spent half the night making condescending remarks and lecturing us on how disgusting it was to have steak on offer at the table. A fistfight eventually erupted, and the cops were called. FML

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By Bekah - United States

Today, I finished reading a book about the treatment of mental patients and decided to use some of the strategies on my dad. We've never gotten along better. FML

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By Jman212 - United States - New Braunfels

Today, my work-mandated anger management therapist gave me some sage advice: "Get a new job." FML

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By screwed - United States

Today, I was teaching a woodshop class. We were using power tools, including drills, and pieces of pine wood. While helping a kid to hold a piece to practice drilling, he went too far forward with the drill. It went through my hand. FML

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By HBC - United States

Today, my boyfriend insisted that the dog stay in our bedroom while we had sex. He said it would prove his dominance, and "show the dog who's boss." My boyfriend needs to prove his self-worth to an animal. FML

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By ap84 - United States

The nickname that sticks

Today, after soccer practice, I was walking to the car with my dad. My team mates waved and said "Bye POTHEAD!" They call me that because they think my head is shaped like a pot. Of course, my dad didn't believe me. I'm grounded now because I have an abnormally-shaped head. I've never smoked pot. FML

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By taptheturtle - United States

Today, I was waiting in the lobby of a modeling agency for my interview to be a potential model and I was next in line. They called "NEXT!" and I walked in with a smile on my face. They stared at my face for a moment and then started yelling "NEXT". FML

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By ouchies - United States

Today, I had to call the doctor to go and have them remove a tick that had got stuck to my man-parts while fishing. The receptionist laughed, she thought I was prank calling. FML

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By what the fuck?! - United States - Hesperia

Today, I called my husband's mistress to confront her. Her husband answered and immediately began hitting on me. He asked what was taking me so long to join their circle and if I was as into dp as his wife is. I don’t know whether to vomit from rage or disgust. FML

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By it's called an accelerator, grandma, get your ass in gear - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I had my first driving test. The instructor turned out to be the kind of twit who made me do the full 60-minute test, only to tell me afterwards that he was failing me for the only mistake I made less than 2 minutes after the test started. Time wasting tit. FML

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By ihateloopholes - Lebanon - Beirut

Today, I forbade a student in the writing seminar I instructed from continuing to present his disturbing poems about demons. He responded to this by convincing nearly every other student in the seminar to write and read out loud several of his poems. FML

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By Guess I was wrong

Mistaken identity

Today, I came home to find a man standing in my living room. Since my mom texted me that her new boyfriend would be coming over, I just assumed it was him. I introduced myself, made us some coffee and I went to my room to study. When I went downstairs after a while, the TV was missing. FML

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By foshizzle - United States - Orlando

Today, while at work, a man grabbed my beard, said it was impressive, and then uttered the words, "I love you." FML

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By AwesomePGnarles - United States

Today, I realized that I know more about the history of the Transformers than I do about talking to women. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had to moisturise my dog's testicles because they got sunburnt. FML

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By Axlgrows

Today, a friend admitted that the reason I got the nickname Axl is because I was an A cup with XL underwear. I guess I should be called Axxl now. FML

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By Mb13

Today, I got my nipples pierced. Momentarily forgetting about the piercings, I started to lather up with my loofa. Shark week in the shower. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's my 18th birthday. Last month was my best friend's 18th birthday. She spent the night with me, and the next morning, my mom and brother gathered in my room and sang "Happy Birthday" as they handed her pancakes with a candle on top. Today, I was woken up by screams to take the trash out. FML

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By disfunctionalfamily - United States

Today, I got married. My sister and father could not attend because they already had plans. My sister went to the mall with her friends, and my dad went to a pool party. FML

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By LemonLearn - United States - New York

Today, I walked in on my brother completely naked from the waist down. I wouldn't have cared if he wasn't masturbating using my lingerie. FML

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By Anonymous

It's a doggy dog world

Today, I was bathing my dog at a self-serve dog wash at a pet store. The person next to me decided to express his dog's anal glands, and the vile, greasy, fish-smelling liquid hit me on the side of my face. FML

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By goodbyefriend - United States - Worcester

Today, after a few weeks of smuggling a baby caterpillar into work every day just to make sure it ate and stayed alive long enough to turn into a butterfly, it finally did. Before it could fly free, a bird turned it into a snack. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mission

Foot, meet mouth

Today, I was talking to one of my supervisors at my new job. He asked if I knew a professor at the school I recently graduated from, and I decided to babble on about how shitty of a professor he was and how much I loathed his class. He then looked at me and said, "That's my dad." FML

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By Misbah Akhtar - 21/11/2020 12:59 - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Child's play

Today, my 6 year-old bought down a card. On it was a turd belonging to my 4 year-old son. She got excited and grossed out, and threw it on the rug. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2020 14:01

Put the booze down

Today, I shat myself in front of my girlfriend's family, after drinking too much the previous night and waking up with major stomach problems. FML

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By onehundredpercenteffed - United States

Today, my wife thought it would be fun to bring in one of her girlfriends for a threesome. Because of the friend, I now know what my wife sounds like when she's having a REAL orgasm. Five years and two kids into our marriage. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Boise

Today, I lost a bet with my friends. I had to go to the super market and buy a copy of 50 Shades of Grey along with a cucumber. The cashier was trying so hard not to laugh while ringing me up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Higginsville

Today, I was feeling down and decided to eat one of my roommate's chocolate Pop-Tarts to cheer myself up. I took a big bite and thought it tasted "off". It was full of live maggots. FML

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By Oh_Well - United States

Today, I finally had time to talk with my boyfriend. We had a nice long conversation, which included him telling me how much I meant to him and that we really need to see each other more often. He concluded the speech twenty minutes later with "Which is why I really hope we can stay friends". FML

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Top comments

By starile | 19

#1375621 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:08

JOSHUA! I mean... Janet?

By Mirorbo | 26

#1375735 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:25

Did you get her name wrong darling? Whoops! ~

Either that or she completely missed the concept and thought you were trying to get her attention.

COMMENTS

By starile | 19

#1375621 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:08

JOSHUA! I mean... Janet?

_Ama_Lia_V_ | 0

#1376424 - Thursday 9 September 2010 12:41

Lmao...

KingDingALing | 9

#1376842 - Thursday 9 September 2010 15:13

OP- You should've said "Say my name, bitch!"

priscilla_28 | 5

#1379849 - Friday 10 September 2010 2:33

Seems like maybe you didn't say it right, or it was too low for her to hear? Or maybe she just didn't get the "sexy" and replied. :)

violetsweety | 26

#1379964 - Friday 10 September 2010 2:56

#1 lmfaooo Op, Lmfaoo

By yuhimjesus | 0

#1375638 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:12

that's not even a slight chuckle FML.
more like a " coolstorybro " kinda thing.

wacky950 | 0

#1376751 - Thursday 9 September 2010 14:34

cool story bro

Shitz_N_Gigglez | 0

#1377398 - Thursday 9 September 2010 17:22

cool story bro.

i_lold_at_ur_fml | 0

#1377901 - Thursday 9 September 2010 19:07

what about riveting tale, chap

pwincessa23 | 1

#1378205 - Thursday 9 September 2010 19:58

2 lioks like a teacher i had in high school. hahaha HIGH -> bong. lol jk but he does look a lot like him... o.O

pwincessa23 | 1

#1378216 - Thursday 9 September 2010 20:00

I meant looks* b4 the grammar Nazis come. lol I honestly dgaf if they do.

Alphreak | 0

#1378979 - Friday 10 September 2010 0:00

2 looks like he's sucking a dick.

hahafylop | 4

#1380164 - Friday 10 September 2010 4:24

That's what I thought too...

chili10 | 18

#1380970 - Friday 10 September 2010 8:45

i seriously can not get used to 2's picture. everytime I see it I'm like "woah, what's that?"

sweatyanready | 0

#1386148 - Saturday 11 September 2010 5:56

are you hittin the steam roller in your pic?

iluvcucumbers | 0

#1389235 - Sunday 12 September 2010 1:15

cool story bro

yuhimjesus | 0

#1403014 - Tuesday 14 September 2010 9:12

hitting a bong.

maliboo | 0

#1415516 - Thursday 16 September 2010 23:14

what's in ur mouth?

By JassyJas | 2

#1375665 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:16

mustve been the wrong name :O

MagicMeds | 0

#1378267 - Thursday 9 September 2010 20:11

No, that's what people generally reply when you say their name, but only a complete moron does so during sex.

By sillybabee | 3

#1375676 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:17

haha I love it(:

Einstein714 | 0

#1376648 - Thursday 9 September 2010 14:01

I see you cropped out your boobs

WYK_fml | 0

#1376801 - Thursday 9 September 2010 15:02

That's not her, that picture's on a lot of websites.

j44_fml | 0

#1400323 - Monday 13 September 2010 20:32

oh my...

By husky88 | 1

#1375727 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:24

quien?

By Mirorbo | 26

#1375735 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:25

Did you get her name wrong darling? Whoops! ~

Either that or she completely missed the concept and thought you were trying to get her attention.

FYLDeep | 25

#1375808 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:35

Maybe he should have just called her "darling"?

Mirorbo | 26

#1375870 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:47

Fuhohohoho!~ Petnames are the ultimate safety feature!

MmissyT | 8

#1375918 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:55

was that your way of laughing or something? lmao

sammiller4 | 3

#1375925 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:55

I don't think he got her name wrong. she probably thought he was gonna tell her something or possibly ask her a ques

Mirorbo | 26

#1375932 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:59

@21; Of course, darling.

linlin223 | 3

#1376092 - Thursday 9 September 2010 10:49

23- i enjoy your laughh!
mines kufufu

Reynaaa | 0

#1395839 - Monday 13 September 2010 2:47

lol are you supposed to be superman?

By starile | 19

#1375747 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:27

Cuando?

By ReconX | 2

#1375800 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:34

We don't speek Mexican here... Ehem
¡No hablas espanol!

By El_Mero_Mero | 0

#1375815 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:36

this not a FML! maybe she was all in the mood and she didn't know what to think. op you did a badass job. lol
damn I need find a girl. FML...

By nascar1477 | 0

#1375859 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:45

ydi for having a japanese robot girlfriend

machiko_fml | 0

#1377946 - Thursday 9 September 2010 19:12

Reference to zettai kareshi much?

BlakeeeDrummer | 0

#1378381 - Thursday 9 September 2010 20:48

hahaha

Sailor_Mars | 6

#1379681 - Friday 10 September 2010 2:03

could be chobits too ^.^

me_is_lala | 2

#1380845 - Friday 10 September 2010 7:52

chobits is fricken awesome