Today, I was doing it with my girlfriend. Trying to be sexy,...

By undoable - 8/9/2010 23:14 - United States

Today, I was doing it with my girlfriend. Trying to be sexy, I moaned her name. She replied, "What?" FML

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Intimacy

DINOSAURS!!

Whatthefuckaburger

Insane parents

By Username - 24/7/2011 06:22 - United States

Today, I went to an amusement park with my family. I was the only one who put on sunblock, and the only one who got a sunburn. FML

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By hjufidskndf - 30/8/2010 05:35 - United States

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend has been asked by multiple people "why he is going out with such an ugly girl." FML

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By jeoak - 30/1/2013 17:25 - India

Today, I was moving into my new apartment. The previous owner had refused to move out until today, and when I got there, I realized I didn't have a key. I was about to call him when I found out I didn't need to; he took the door. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2012 05:08 - United States - Amarillo

Today, my dog overturned and ate my trash, leaving coffee grounds and dog puke all over my floor. She also ate the broom. FML

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By stephhh055 - 21/10/2019 16:00 - United States - Portland

Valid reason

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend for the first time, he told me he wanted to break up. He told me my orgasm face wasn't something he could put up with. FML

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By sugar baby24 - 28/6/2019 14:12

Today, my boyfriend and my sugar daddy found about each other. FML

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By TeeJay - 1/6/2009 14:06 - United States

Today, it was my birthday, and my wife gave me a sex toy for self-masturbation. She even showed me how to properly use it so I can masturbate myself. FML

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By ihaveahome - 12/4/2011 16:02 - Czech Republic

Today, at 6am I was waiting for the tram to go home from my late night job. A homeless man came up to me and offered to buy me a beer because "guys like us have to stick together." FML

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By igotpride - 9/12/2013 21:01 - United States

Today, I woke up and coughed up the spider I thought I'd killed last night. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2019 22:00

You idiot!

Today, I didn't want to hang out with my girlfriend so I could binge watch Pawn Stars instead. When she asked me why not, I lied not very convincingly and said my mom was sick and needed my help. She now thinks I'm cheating on her. FML

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By MakeMeASandwich - 10/6/2011 05:01 - United States

Today, I found out that as a supervisor, if you reprimand a female worker and end the conversation with "Now get back to making sandwiches," your boss will consider it sexism and suspend you. I work at Subway. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2013 04:01 - United States - Appleton

Today, I told my girlfriend I've been a vegetarian for 6 years. Hearing this, my mom said, "No, you're not. I fry your mushrooms and onions in bacon grease." With this new information, I've been a vegetarian for about 76 hours. FML

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By lk07 - 3/11/2018 05:00

Today, I got severe diarrhea in a public bathroom. I told my 6-year-old to stand directly outside the stall where I can see her shoes. She proceeded to inform everyone who came in that "Mommy has diarrhea." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2012 19:12 - United Kingdom

Today, against my advice, my boyfriend decided to read Fifty Shades of Grey in an attempt to learn how to please me in bed. Now all he does is suck on my toes, and thinks it's weird that I don't spontaneously orgasm as if I'm some kind of nymphomaniacal weirdo. FML

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By cheezeits - 26/10/2009 04:24 - United States

Today, my long-distance girlfriend asked me if she could see someone else on the side. FML

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By goddamn chicken subs - 24/3/2016 16:51 - United States

Today, my brother and I got food poisoning because of the shady chicken subs we ate last night. Our mom thinks we're faking it and sent us to school anyway. I'm coming to you live from a school toilet while missing a test. FML

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By sillyrabbit - 24/2/2009 04:29 - United States

Today, after I had filled up my car and got into it I saw a cute guy running towards me. I flashed a smile and left the door open and said "hey" when he was next to me. He said, "the pump is still attached to your car, you really should be more careful." FML

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By squeak - 12/9/2011 13:52 - United Kingdom

Today, I thought my hamster might be lonely, so I went to the pet shop and bought a new one to keep him company. The new hamster killed the old one. FML

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By Mylifesucks - 23/5/2013 05:11 - United States - Lexington

Today, I was stuck in my apartment complex's elevator. I was shouting out for help when a voice came screaming, "This is the fire department." I was relieved until he said, "Just kidding." FML

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By anti-peecleaner - 22/11/2010 22:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend walked out of the bathroom, informed me he'd accidentally peed on the floor, and told me I could clean it up when I get a chance. FML

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By - 6/2/2020 18:00

Yes or No?

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said yes, but the ring turned out to be quite tight on her finger. She then chewed me out, saying that I can't do anything right, then changed her answer to no. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2012 00:06 - United Kingdom - London

Today, on the way out to buy groceries, my boyfriend asked if I'd like him to buy some of my favourite flowers. Happy with his rare show of affection, I said yes. When he returned, he gave me a bag of our usual brand of flour and laughed hysterically in my face. FML

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By datgurllllukno - 15/10/2014 06:26 - United States

Food for thought

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I discovered that I climax sooner if I think about pretzels. Yes, pretzels. The food product. I'll never be able to eat them again. FML

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By nosonofmine - 23/6/2012 17:43 - Iceland - Reykjav

Today, my son and I attended the funeral of a family friend. It went as well as any funeral could, up until the point that my apparently drunk son tried to grope the widow. I came an inch away from causing my son to need his own funeral. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2014 16:52 - United Kingdom - Tipton

Today, my mom told me all about how I was conceived in a Disney Land toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2010 05:37 - United States

Today, at a concert, my friend grew tired of holding her bag. She asked a man to hold it, saying that he wouldn't steal it "since it was hers". I quietly told her she was too naïve and irresponsible. After the concert, I got home and noticed my wallet was stolen instead, right out of my pocket. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2014 06:25 - United States - Rochester

Today, I was telling my friends about a date I had recently that went badly, because the guy turned out to be a moron. I said the last straw was when I used the word "decipher" and was met with a blank stare. I was then met with more blank stares. FML

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By always amazed - 7/3/2016 14:03 - Canada - Barrie

Today, my dad came over and ordered me, a 43 year-old woman, to purchase a kitchen table. He and my sisters are embarassed that we are still using a plastic folding table. It doesn't matter to them that we have just spent over $30,000 on renovations. His cousins are coming from Italy. FML

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By sickened - 25/8/2009 14:17 - Philippines

Today, my friends and I went out drinking, and luckily enough, the guy I have had a crush on for four years now was there. I tried to get drunk so that I can make a move and blame it on the alcohol. I went in to whisper my confession in his ear... only to puke on him. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2013 20:19 - Switzerland

Today, my elderly neighbour was having some kind of house party. It was incredibly loud, so I went and asked if he could tone it down a little. He responded by grabbing a deck chair, smacking me with it, then chasing me back to my house, all while his guests cheered him on. FML

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By Christian - 28/9/2013 15:21 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. We are on a cruise together. She has already found another room to sleep in. FML

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By BobbyMalone - 17/1/2009 14:11 - Canada

Today, my mother asked a woman at the clothing store we go to all the time when her baby was due. Turns out the woman isn't pregnant. FML

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By Noname - 4/2/2009 17:04 - United States

Today, a guy in the library came up to me and said, "You look very unproductive. It makes me depressed just watching you". FML

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By hmacy - 1/10/2017 01:30

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via text message while we were having sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2016 16:05 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my dad told me to knock it off with my "stupid gangster walk", saying it made me look like an idiot. I didn't have the balls to admit I'd sharted my pants and was awkwardly waddling to the bathroom to clean myself up. FML

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By joolsie - 15/5/2013 23:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I received a note from my creepy ex, whom I broke up with two years ago, saying how much he still misses me. I live over 100 miles away from him now. The note was hand-delivered to my new address. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2014 04:30 - United States - Olney

Today, my car got towed. My money is in my car and they won't let me open my car to get money until my car is "released". FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2009 22:23 - United States

Today, I felt fairly depressed about being single for the holidays during work. This cute girl came to my register asking about our sales ad. After telling her we had no copies, she asked for my number. I shouted: "Finally, someone wants to go out with me." She wanted the store's number to call. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2009 11:15 - United States

Today, after sleeping with a guy I met at a party, I woke up to find him peeing in the corner of my room on my roommate's carpet. FML

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By AnonUser464 - 8/1/2013 16:40 - United States

Today, my boss called me over to his office; he wanted me to fire four hardworking employees. One of them was the girl I was going to ask out. FML

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Top comments

By starile | 19

#1375621 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:08

JOSHUA! I mean... Janet?

By Mirorbo | 26

#1375735 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:25

Did you get her name wrong darling? Whoops! ~

Either that or she completely missed the concept and thought you were trying to get her attention.

COMMENTS

By starile | 19

#1375621 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:08

JOSHUA! I mean... Janet?

_Ama_Lia_V_ | 0

#1376424 - Thursday 9 September 2010 12:41

Lmao...

KingDingALing | 9

#1376842 - Thursday 9 September 2010 15:13

OP- You should've said "Say my name, bitch!"

priscilla_28 | 5

#1379849 - Friday 10 September 2010 2:33

Seems like maybe you didn't say it right, or it was too low for her to hear? Or maybe she just didn't get the "sexy" and replied. :)

violetsweety | 26

#1379964 - Friday 10 September 2010 2:56

#1 lmfaooo Op, Lmfaoo

By yuhimjesus | 0

#1375638 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:12

that's not even a slight chuckle FML.
more like a " coolstorybro " kinda thing.

wacky950 | 0

#1376751 - Thursday 9 September 2010 14:34

cool story bro

Shitz_N_Gigglez | 0

#1377398 - Thursday 9 September 2010 17:22

cool story bro.

i_lold_at_ur_fml | 0

#1377901 - Thursday 9 September 2010 19:07

what about riveting tale, chap

pwincessa23 | 1

#1378205 - Thursday 9 September 2010 19:58

2 lioks like a teacher i had in high school. hahaha HIGH -> bong. lol jk but he does look a lot like him... o.O

pwincessa23 | 1

#1378216 - Thursday 9 September 2010 20:00

I meant looks* b4 the grammar Nazis come. lol I honestly dgaf if they do.

Alphreak | 0

#1378979 - Friday 10 September 2010 0:00

2 looks like he's sucking a dick.

hahafylop | 4

#1380164 - Friday 10 September 2010 4:24

That's what I thought too...

chili10 | 18

#1380970 - Friday 10 September 2010 8:45

i seriously can not get used to 2's picture. everytime I see it I'm like "woah, what's that?"

sweatyanready | 0

#1386148 - Saturday 11 September 2010 5:56

are you hittin the steam roller in your pic?

iluvcucumbers | 0

#1389235 - Sunday 12 September 2010 1:15

cool story bro

yuhimjesus | 0

#1403014 - Tuesday 14 September 2010 9:12

hitting a bong.

maliboo | 0

#1415516 - Thursday 16 September 2010 23:14

what's in ur mouth?

By JassyJas | 2

#1375665 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:16

mustve been the wrong name :O

MagicMeds | 0

#1378267 - Thursday 9 September 2010 20:11

No, that's what people generally reply when you say their name, but only a complete moron does so during sex.

By sillybabee | 3

#1375676 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:17

haha I love it(:

Einstein714 | 0

#1376648 - Thursday 9 September 2010 14:01

I see you cropped out your boobs

WYK_fml | 0

#1376801 - Thursday 9 September 2010 15:02

That's not her, that picture's on a lot of websites.

j44_fml | 0

#1400323 - Monday 13 September 2010 20:32

oh my...

By husky88 | 1

#1375727 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:24

quien?

By Mirorbo | 26

#1375735 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:25

Did you get her name wrong darling? Whoops! ~

Either that or she completely missed the concept and thought you were trying to get her attention.

FYLDeep | 25

#1375808 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:35

Maybe he should have just called her "darling"?

Mirorbo | 26

#1375870 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:47

Fuhohohoho!~ Petnames are the ultimate safety feature!

MmissyT | 8

#1375918 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:55

was that your way of laughing or something? lmao

sammiller4 | 3

#1375925 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:55

I don't think he got her name wrong. she probably thought he was gonna tell her something or possibly ask her a ques

Mirorbo | 26

#1375932 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:59

@21; Of course, darling.

linlin223 | 3

#1376092 - Thursday 9 September 2010 10:49

23- i enjoy your laughh!
mines kufufu

Reynaaa | 0

#1395839 - Monday 13 September 2010 2:47

lol are you supposed to be superman?

By starile | 19

#1375747 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:27

Cuando?

By ReconX | 2

#1375800 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:34

We don't speek Mexican here... Ehem
¡No hablas espanol!

By El_Mero_Mero | 0

#1375815 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:36

this not a FML! maybe she was all in the mood and she didn't know what to think. op you did a badass job. lol
damn I need find a girl. FML...

By nascar1477 | 0

#1375859 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:45

ydi for having a japanese robot girlfriend

machiko_fml | 0

#1377946 - Thursday 9 September 2010 19:12

Reference to zettai kareshi much?

BlakeeeDrummer | 0

#1378381 - Thursday 9 September 2010 20:48

hahaha

Sailor_Mars | 6

#1379681 - Friday 10 September 2010 2:03

could be chobits too ^.^

me_is_lala | 2

#1380845 - Friday 10 September 2010 7:52

chobits is fricken awesome