Today, I was doing it with my girlfriend. Trying to be sexy,...

By undoable - United States

Today, I was doing it with my girlfriend. Trying to be sexy, I moaned her name. She replied, "What?" FML

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Intimacy

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Season finale

Alexa, play "Boredom" by Buzzcocks

By AKN - United States

Today, my friend sent me the link to this website with a message that said, "You'll feel at home." FML

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By Anonymous90 - Canada

Today, I spent 100 dollars on lingerie. I put it on, walk out to the living room, and tell my boyfriend to follow me into the bedroom. He says no, and then pretends to fall asleep. FML

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By AnonUser464 - United States

Today, my boss called me over to his office; he wanted me to fire four hardworking employees. One of them was the girl I was going to ask out. FML

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By loveless - Australia

Today, I realised that the last three people to see my intimate parts these last weeks were my beautician, my doctor and the lady who did my check up ultra sound. Oh, and I'm married. FML

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By candy man - United States - Chapel Hill

Today, my girlfriend got up in the middle of sex saying, "You're taking too long, I'm gonna go make some popcorn." I asked her if she could get me some. She said no. FML

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By Sir Smokalot - France

Today, my boyfriend and I were visiting his parents. When we got there, I hugged his mother, and she glared at me. Later that day, I heard her telling her son that he should leave me because I smell like cigarettes, and she hates smokers. I don't smoke, my boyfriend does. He did all the way there. FML

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By Anomaly - United States - Trenton

Today, I saw a person in my class completing a project that was due two periods later and that they had just started in the bathroom. They got a better grade than me. FML

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By fartypants - United States - Winter Park

Today, as I finished my piano recital and took a bow, I farted into the microphone. FML

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By anonymous - Czech Republic

Today, my boyfriend, who is rather large, picked me up to give me a hug, and some over-eager security guard actually pointed his tazer at him and told him to put me down. So he put me down and tried to ask what he'd done wrong. The bastard tazed him for acting aggressively. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Albert Park

Today, I was stumbling down the street due to arthritic pain, when I accidentally bumped into a man. He turned and yelled, "Watch it, you clumsy, ugly bitch", to which I apologised and told him about my arthritis. He stared at me in confusion, then said, "Well, you're still ugly", and walked off. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I finally decided to get back at my roommates for eating all my food. First thing that kept disappearing was my water, so I decided to add lots of laxatives to my water this way the first person to go to the bathroom nonstop was the culprit. I forgot I had done that when I drank some myself. FML

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By KmartFart - United States

Today, I had a surprise birthday party for my mom who turned 57. About an hour into the party, I look over at my mom and she was grinding all over my best friend while holding a bottle of tequila in her hand, and a pair of leopard skin panties hanging out of her pants. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend stacks things on me while I sleep. Apparently his record is 4 pillows, a textbook, and the cat. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Sudbury

If it's brown, let it float around.

Today, for the millionth time, I walked into a complete smellhole of a bathroom, because my almost ten-year-old sister not only never flushes, but she doesn't wipe either. FML

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By Anonymous - India - Mumbai

Today, my boss asked if I could spare a few minutes to finish off the last of his paperwork backlog. I'm pretty desperate for a raise, so I said sure. Turns out the "small", "should-take-a-few-minutes" backlog consists of 3 desk-high stacks of documents. Goodbye, cruel world. FML

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By monsterinlaw - United States

Today, my obnoxious mother-in-law berated me in front of my husband's family for still working while pregnant. She says I'm harming the baby by not quitting. I'm only 4 months pregnant and I work as a nurse at a hospital. FML

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By mountains - United States - Pembroke

Today, I awoke in the midst of the night to find my half-naked dad drunkenly arguing with the microwave. FML

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By lydia - 1/7/2020 08:08

Like that's an excuse

Today, my mother screamed at me because she thinks I peed on the toilet seat. Not my dad, me. I’m a girl. FML

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By lonelyashell - United States

Today, I realized that over the course of this winter, there have been more snow days in Atlanta than days in which I have ever been on a date. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that shaving my unibrow while drunk/high was a terrible idea. I also learned that one brow looks better than no brow. FML

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By hooligyn123 - United States

Today, I'm quite ill. My new step-mother believes that the genetic wheat allergy I got from my mother would have gone away since she's now married to my father instead. Looks like dad picked a winner. FML

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By Alex - United States

Today, I decided to ride my bike to the bus stop to go to school. I wasn't even half way and the last bus had already left. I figured I would loop around instead of going back the way I came and ended up riding 16 miles before I got home. FML

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By Dsark - United States - San Diego

Today, during a lecture, my teacher jokingly talked about the time he was best buds with George Washington. Another student then asked, "Really? You knew him?" I'm in an advanced placement U.S. history class. FML

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By wellfuckyoutoo - United States - Philadelphia

Today, a close friend came over with her three-year-old son. The child used a crayon on the walls, flushed my money down the toilet, and threw up. My friend was seriously offended when I asked her to help me clean everything up. FML

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By Bandking - United States - Cleveland

Today, I marched in the St. Patrick's day parade. My horn has an inconveniently-placed spit valve that has to be drained frequently. At the end, I discovered every time I emptied it, it would spray all over the front of my pants. I marched an entire parade looking like I pissed my pants. FML

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By backstabbed - Australia

Today, I caught my best friend in bed with my current boyfriend. Apparently watching movies naked is "the new in thing". FML

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By disappointed - United States

Today, after having saved up my money for months to buy my college-bound son the car of his dreams, I got a phone call telling me it had been totalled during a drag-race. I only gave him the keys two days ago. FML

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By brokeandsingle - United Kingdom

Today, I finally made the last payment on the beautiful engagement ring I bought and proposed with - two years ago. To my ex-girlfriend, who said no and promptly started sleeping with one of my friends. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at the store, my fly became undone. It doesn't seem that bad unless an old lady comes to "zip it up for you." FML

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By The Fishing Pole

So, are you in or are you out?

Today, I told my long time crush, "I love you," in an elaborate way. She replied, "What an interesting perspective." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Altamonte Springs

Today, my religious girlfriend convinced me to let her take my virginity. A few hours later, she broke up with me, crying and saying I was going to hell for having sex before marriage. But apparently she isn't, and she can't be with someone who "tempts" her. FML

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By "pixie_pix13" - 7/12/2019 03:00

Back to work

Today, I came back to work after being out for a week. As I walked to the back of the store I threw my hands up and yelled "I'm back bitches". Right after I said it, I noticed my boss was behind me. I was then taken to the office and wrote up for foul language on my first day back. FML

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By LP - United States

Today, my mom accused me of having an eating disorder, and I didn't correct her. Truth is, I lost weight after I went off the pill a year ago. I'm too embarrassed to tell my mom that I haven't had anyone in a year. FML

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By Chelsea - United States - Aurora

Today, I walked outside to this guy attempting to steal my bike. When I asked him what he was doing he calmly replied, "I'm a bike inspector. You hooked your chain all wrong! This time is a warning; next time it'll be a ticket!" He then threw his full, opened Pepsi can at me. FML

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By LinaLinaYeah - Canada

Today, my mom gave me my boyfriend's boxers that she'd washed after finding them in my camping bag. The boxers had "Big Banana" written all over them, along with pictures of bananas. FML

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By JulleandCici - France

Today, I had dinner on my own. My cat came and sat on the chair on the other side of the table. We stared at each other during the whole meal. Pathetic. FML

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By JoannaG25 - Netherlands

Today, I was told that in order to be considered for more jobs, I should remove my college degree from my resume. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Torrance

Today, I was given the following pearls of wisdom: "My grandmother always told me, if you've got nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all. Anyway, she was a cunt and so are you." Thanks, dad. Thanks. FML

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By flipraff101 - Australia

Today, I was at home and my boyfriend called me and said that I'd left my G-string at his house. I only have one G-string and I was wearing it. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2020 07:08 - United Kingdom - Stockport

Broken equipment

Today, my girlfriend and I had an argument about wanting kids, as I want to have kids but she doesn’t. I explained the situation to my sister. She just kicked me in the nuts and said, “There, problem solved.” FML

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Top comments

By starile | 19

#1375621 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:08

JOSHUA! I mean... Janet?

By Mirorbo | 26

#1375735 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:25

Did you get her name wrong darling? Whoops! ~

Either that or she completely missed the concept and thought you were trying to get her attention.

COMMENTS

By starile | 19

#1375621 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:08

JOSHUA! I mean... Janet?

_Ama_Lia_V_ | 0

#1376424 - Thursday 9 September 2010 12:41

Lmao...

KingDingALing | 9

#1376842 - Thursday 9 September 2010 15:13

OP- You should've said "Say my name, bitch!"

priscilla_28 | 5

#1379849 - Friday 10 September 2010 2:33

Seems like maybe you didn't say it right, or it was too low for her to hear? Or maybe she just didn't get the "sexy" and replied. :)

violetsweety | 26

#1379964 - Friday 10 September 2010 2:56

#1 lmfaooo Op, Lmfaoo

By yuhimjesus | 0

#1375638 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:12

that's not even a slight chuckle FML.
more like a " coolstorybro " kinda thing.

wacky950 | 0

#1376751 - Thursday 9 September 2010 14:34

cool story bro

Shitz_N_Gigglez | 0

#1377398 - Thursday 9 September 2010 17:22

cool story bro.

i_lold_at_ur_fml | 0

#1377901 - Thursday 9 September 2010 19:07

what about riveting tale, chap

pwincessa23 | 1

#1378205 - Thursday 9 September 2010 19:58

2 lioks like a teacher i had in high school. hahaha HIGH -> bong. lol jk but he does look a lot like him... o.O

pwincessa23 | 1

#1378216 - Thursday 9 September 2010 20:00

I meant looks* b4 the grammar Nazis come. lol I honestly dgaf if they do.

Alphreak | 0

#1378979 - Friday 10 September 2010 0:00

2 looks like he's sucking a dick.

hahafylop | 4

#1380164 - Friday 10 September 2010 4:24

That's what I thought too...

chili10 | 18

#1380970 - Friday 10 September 2010 8:45

i seriously can not get used to 2's picture. everytime I see it I'm like "woah, what's that?"

sweatyanready | 0

#1386148 - Saturday 11 September 2010 5:56

are you hittin the steam roller in your pic?

iluvcucumbers | 0

#1389235 - Sunday 12 September 2010 1:15

cool story bro

yuhimjesus | 0

#1403014 - Tuesday 14 September 2010 9:12

hitting a bong.

maliboo | 0

#1415516 - Thursday 16 September 2010 23:14

what's in ur mouth?

By JassyJas | 2

#1375665 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:16

mustve been the wrong name :O

MagicMeds | 0

#1378267 - Thursday 9 September 2010 20:11

No, that's what people generally reply when you say their name, but only a complete moron does so during sex.

By sillybabee | 3

#1375676 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:17

haha I love it(:

Einstein714 | 0

#1376648 - Thursday 9 September 2010 14:01

I see you cropped out your boobs

WYK_fml | 0

#1376801 - Thursday 9 September 2010 15:02

That's not her, that picture's on a lot of websites.

j44_fml | 0

#1400323 - Monday 13 September 2010 20:32

oh my...

By husky88 | 1

#1375727 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:24

quien?

By Mirorbo | 26

#1375735 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:25

Did you get her name wrong darling? Whoops! ~

Either that or she completely missed the concept and thought you were trying to get her attention.

FYLDeep | 25

#1375808 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:35

Maybe he should have just called her "darling"?

Mirorbo | 26

#1375870 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:47

Fuhohohoho!~ Petnames are the ultimate safety feature!

MmissyT | 8

#1375918 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:55

was that your way of laughing or something? lmao

sammiller4 | 3

#1375925 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:55

I don't think he got her name wrong. she probably thought he was gonna tell her something or possibly ask her a ques

Mirorbo | 26

#1375932 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:59

@21; Of course, darling.

linlin223 | 3

#1376092 - Thursday 9 September 2010 10:49

23- i enjoy your laughh!
mines kufufu

Reynaaa | 0

#1395839 - Monday 13 September 2010 2:47

lol are you supposed to be superman?

By starile | 19

#1375747 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:27

Cuando?

By ReconX | 2

#1375800 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:34

We don't speek Mexican here... Ehem
¡No hablas espanol!

By El_Mero_Mero | 0

#1375815 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:36

this not a FML! maybe she was all in the mood and she didn't know what to think. op you did a badass job. lol
damn I need find a girl. FML...

By nascar1477 | 0

#1375859 - Thursday 9 September 2010 9:45

ydi for having a japanese robot girlfriend

machiko_fml | 0

#1377946 - Thursday 9 September 2010 19:12

Reference to zettai kareshi much?

BlakeeeDrummer | 0

#1378381 - Thursday 9 September 2010 20:48

hahaha

Sailor_Mars | 6

#1379681 - Friday 10 September 2010 2:03

could be chobits too ^.^

me_is_lala | 2

#1380845 - Friday 10 September 2010 7:52

chobits is fricken awesome