Today, I wanted to take a romantic bath with my boyfriend. I set up the candles and hot water, but I had to take a dump. After my business was done, I called him into the bath. He walks in, sniffs, glances at the toilet and leaves. Guess what I forgot to flush. FML
Today, my son was finally born. He was the perfect weight, as healthy as can be, and has his father’s dark, chocolate complexion. At least I’m guessing so, since both my wife and I are white. FML
Today, I spoke with my boyfriend about where we want to live when I graduate. He says he doesn't know what he wants and his mother wouldn't approve of us living together. We've been together 3 years with the understanding we would live together once I graduated my Master's. FML
Today, I got an email from my cute teacher about reminding us to bring stuff for the next lesson. As a joke I clicked on reply and wrote about how I think he is so cute and handsome. Right then and there I clicked to go look at other messages. A little box came up..."MESSAGE SENT". FML
Today, I sent my boyfriend a letter, turns out it was the wrong address. My panties are now somewhere in Canadian post. FML
Today, I was so bored at work that I put a zip tie on my finger just for the excitement of trying to get it off. FML
Today, I realized that the beef jerky someone had left on the counter and that I'd been sneaking a few pieces of every morning had a cartoon dog holding two strips of beef jerky. I wondered why nobody else was eating it. It was beef jerky for dogs. FML
Today, it's the 11th day I've been in the hospital due to my kidneys. My mother has come in every day since to make me feel bad about missing Thanksgiving. FML
Today, an attractive guy asked me to get coffee with him. My response was, "I don't drink coffee." I turned down the first guy to ask me out in 3 months. FML
Today, my job at a luxurious retirement community was terminated when I ran over an old lady with my work golf cart. FML
Today, I was house sitting by myself and I texted my mom saying how thankful I was that she was trusting me and not checking up on me. That night I threw a party at the house. My mom showed up to check on me because my text was "suspicious". FML
Today, I found out that my mother has been pretending that I'm a woman so that she doesn't have to tell her colleagues that she has a gay son. Apparently this has been going on for the past four years. FML
Brupopy tells us more.
Brupopy 0
OP here, thank you all for the replies!! Just to confirm she's not religious at all or anything like that and acts as if she's really supportive to my face before going behind my back and acting as if it's demonic or something. The awkward part, though, is that my younger sister came out as lesbian a few years ago too, and my mother was more than happy to discuss her and her girlfriend, but despite myself having been out to her for 8 years now, she still seems to be really awkward about me dating guys. Also, to the few individuals who suggested that I must look like a girl, I'm more of a beard and suit sort of guy personally. On another note, thank you to those who suggested calling her my father and going into her work place in Drag; I'll be staying with her next month for a little while and may have to borrow one of my sister's dresses and cosplay wigs to roll up to her workplace - along with unshaven legs and face, whilst maintaining the usual booming man voice, of course.
Today, weeks after I paid extra for faster shipping, I received confirmation that my paperwork for overseas voting has been received. Too bad the deadline in my state was yesterday. Thanks, Postal Service, for the consistency of your failures. FML
Today, I'm in the middle seat on a flight to Dallas. The guy on the aisle is sleeping with his mouth open and I can smell his breath. I feel nauseous. FML
Today, I felt so self-conscious about my gut, I pushed it out and pretended I was pregnant rather than sucking it in. FML
Today, I was driving to the grocery store with my 7 year-old son. As we were approaching a stop sign, I looked next to me and saw a guy with a triangle-shaped head. I said to my son, "Look at the guy with the triangle head." My window was open. So was his. FML
Today, I misspelled the word "failure" in front of all my co-workers. Now I'm not given any writing tasks. FML
Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating on his final exam. I confronted him after class by jokingly asking, "If you cheated on a test, would you cheat on me?" Turns out that yes, yes he would, and he did. FML
Today, I noticed my dishwasher wouldn't turn on. After shelling out $120 call-out fee, I was a little miffed when the technician walked in, pressed the 'unlock' function and walked out again. FML
Today, I attended a white elephant party at work and the box I picked had whisky and beer. Since I am a Muslim, I took it to my Christian friend's house and gave it to him. As I was walking there, I passed my imam on the street. Awkward. FML
Today, I learned that my boss is training one the the trainees I trained to be supervisor. Everyone supports this, including me. So what's the issue? I was promised that position almost 2 years ago. Apparently, I train people well enough to promote, but I'm not good enough to be promoted myself. FML
Today, I used so many different perfume testers that I passed out on the bus. FML
Today, I told my mother I got engaged. Her reply was a great heaving sigh, followed by ,"OK… So how's work going?" She showed more excitement last week when my brother managed to properly make Kraft macaroni. FML
Today, my sister called my Native American friend a bigot for saying he had no problem with the name "Cleveland Indians". FML
Today, I found out I'm pregnant. Yesterday, I finally came to my senses and started using birth control. FML
Today, I went to my parents house to secretly collect all of their home videos and convert them to DVDs as a Christmas gift. Among them I found a sex tape my parents had made. FML
Today, I got an expensive drone for my birthday. My brother got a BB gun and thought it would be hilarious to shoot my drone with it while I was flying it. FML
KingKralj tells us more.
KingKralj 31
Holy sweet shit, this got posted! Hello guys, OP here! I was angry when making this FML that I left out some pretty important details :P So here we go. My bro and I were having an argument about something stupid, and it escalated pretty bad. I hate full on yell-fests, so I left the scene and decided to fly my drone to relax. My brother, on the other hand, somehow got drunk and thought it would be a good idea to shoot my drone with his BB gun for revenge (no, he didn't get it on my b-day nor are we twins. He had it for a while). Long story short, he loaded the gun and shot my drone several times over. I yelled at him for like 10 seconds (I know I mentioned I hate yelling, but I was angry :l) and left the house. Later, he called me and apologized for destroying my drone and offered to either repair it or buy a new one out of his pocket. I said "eh, just buy it." because the drone was too damaged to be repaired. So the aftermath was we made up, he bought me a new drone, and we lived happily ever after c:
Today, I was taking a break in my work truck when I saw a huge swarm of bees flying my way. I have a hand crank window so I started cranking it up as fast as I could and the knob snapped off before it closed and I got stung by the whole swarm before I could get out. FML
Today, I still can't poop unless I hear the sound of the bathroom fan. FML
Today, I found out that I'm going to be a father. Too bad I can't tell my wife. FML
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