Work: Today, my job at a luxurious retirement community was terminated... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my job at a luxurious retirement community was terminated when I ran over an old lady with my work golf cart. FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

Instadrama

Breaking Badly

By Anonymous

Today, I woke up without my fiancé in bed next to me, but I assumed he'd gone to work early. I went on Facebook to find that he had posted a break-up post to himself from my account and set my status to single. I then found a note with "Sorry" written on it stuck to the kitchen counter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went outside for a cigarette since I don't like smoking in the house. When I was done, I stomped it out. I wasn't wearing shoes. FML

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By hopelesscollegestudent - Canada

Today, I asked my college chemistry teacher for some much-needed help. Instead of explaining anything to me, she scoffed that if I don't understand something, I should "just Google it." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I discovered why the toilet seat is often sticky in the morning. My husband is too lazy to lift the seat, instead opting to pee all over it and sleepily wipe it down with loo paper if he notices a splash. He doesn't see why it's a problem since he 'cleans' it. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2020 20:00

Who's a good boy?

Today, my boyfriend's vicious dog, which he got as a security measure and growls and barks at me whenever I go near it, was caught on our security camera playing like a puppy with a burglar, while the other two burglars cleaned out all our valuables. FML

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By Scottrick - United States

Today, I was walking through Borders with my girlfriend, when we pass a girl scout cookies stand. I see a box of Samoas, my favorite, point at them, and shout, 'YEAH'. My girlfriend looks shocked. Behind the box of cookies was a five year old scout bending over, with her bottom pointed at me. FML

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By twiggygonegirl

Today, I updated my list of "quit smoking rewards" to include new clothes. New clothes to fit my new voluptuous body, because the question of how I used to stay thin has been answered. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I made brownies for my co-workers. My boss called me into his office, and I though he was going to compliment me on the baking. Instead, he talked about how his 5-year-old daughter can make brownies better than me. FML

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By toosmall

Today I got a $60 parking ticket for not paying the $2.50 pay-to-park fee. I checked my bank records, which proved that I'd paid the fee, for the correct space too. The problem is the ticket is too small to contest in traffic court. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Atwater

Today, I had to grab a large kitchen knife from my son, after I heard him convince his friend to join him in cutting off his finger, so they could "be assassins like Ezio." FML

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By fresh single - United States - Pomona

Today, my girlfriend decided it was logical to accuse me of cheating because of the hundreds of emails I had from women wanting to meet up with me for sex. She had been looking in the "Spam" folder. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2021 07:57 - Germany - Zittau

Puke is good for you

Today, there's a campaign in my country advertising natural dog food. Apparently, nobody amongst the creators speaks English. How do I know? The hashtag they came up with is #SimplyBarf. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother came over again to help me work on my Student Aid application. She also brought over the savings bonds that she has been accumulating since I was born to help pay for college. Turns out they won't reach maturity until I'm thirty. She never bothered to check out this fact. I'm screwed for college. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my family is too damn close. My uncle on my dad's side just got my aunt on my mum's side pregnant, three cousins from dad's side are dating three cousins from mum's side, and a half brother from my dad is marrying my half sister from my mum. We are the inbred rednecks of this town. FML

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By Stumanji - United States

Today, I found out my reward for topping three of the four employee performance charts was a paycut. FML

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By Amara1717 - United States

Today, I was driving my little sister to school. She really didn't wanna go and was throwing a tantrum in the car. When we stopped at a red light, my sister notices a police man giving a ticket to another driver. She rolled down her window and screamed "Help me! I'm being kidnapped by a murderer!" FML

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By hairybetty - United States

Today, I shaved my legs and armpits for the first time in 6 weeks. Unfortunately, I didn't have a hot date, I just had my yearly gyno exam. FML

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By scammed - Canada

Today, I caught my mother attempting to write a $1400 cheque. To whom? The proprietor of a "Christian charity fund" with whom she had been having Internet conversations. The proprietor's name, and that on the cheque, was "Herp McDerpington". FML

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By Anonymous - 13/2/2021 17:01 - Sweden - G?teborg

PS I Love You

Today, I had a group project on Zoom with some classmates I'm not so familiar with. When we were done and said our goodbyes, I said, "Bye bye, I love you." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was so disgusted by my own body, I took a shower in the dark so I wouldn't have to look at myself. FML

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By fistycunt4 - United States - Belmont

Today, I put a picture on Facebook of me without makeup. A "friend" commented: "fuk me thts hideus!!" My dad replied: "Hideous, yes, just like your godawful spelling!" My mom yelled at my dad for agreeing with the guy, and they're still fighting. Meanwhile, my self-esteem is in the gutter. FML

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By Really jealous - 26/1/2021 09:31 - India

Creeped out

Today, my best friend confided in me that she's going to have sex with her cousin. Shocked, I tried to convince her not to and how it's a horrible idea. She called me a jealous bastard who can't get laid. FML

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By Chan - United States

Today, I spilled hot coffee all over this man at work. I tried apologizing and saying it was an accident, but he then complained, which resulted in me being unemployed. The man I spilled coffee on was my uncle. FML

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By Mycardoesn'tevenwork - United States

Today, I was in a car accident on the way to work. I called my boss and told him I had to deal with the police and the accident report and didn't know how long it would take. He got mad and said I "should have picked a better time to do this". FML

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By God the smell

Today, my husband had a bad stomach bug and fever. While I was at work, he had diarrhoea but couldn't make it to the toilet so he went in the bin next to his desk, crawled back into bed, and passed out. It sat there in this heatwave for 5 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my roommate showed me that her pepper spray had expired, so I decided to test it on myself. It worked. FML

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By jake - 10/1/2021 18:02 - United States - Denver

Jealousy

Today, my girlfriend demanded that I delete all my female contacts or she’d set my stuff on fire. Yes, that includes my mother. FML

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By anonymouse - Reserved

Today, I was getting dirty looks on the train whilst air strumming the guitar to a song on my iPod, after glancing at the reflection in the window I realized it looked like I was masturbating. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, I tried to wake my boyfriend up to sex. When I went to touch his penis, he elbowed me in the face, mumbled an apology and began snoring again. FML

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By Broke - Australia - Melbourne

Today, while I was waiting to pull out of a parking space, my boyfriend decided it would be funny to put the car into reverse instead of drive while I was waiting for traffic to clear. I don't think the people who own the car behind me were laughing. Nor is my now ex-boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Moreland

Today, my future mother-in-law told me she thought I was severely allergic to cigarette smoke. That hasn't stopped her from chain-smoking around me for the last 3 years. FML

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By Jessie - United States

Today, during my boyfriend's family reunion, I started my period but didn't have any tampons. I asked my boyfriend to ask his mom if she had any. I sat on the toilet waiting, then heard him loudly ask his whole family "Does anybody have a tampon my girlfriend can have?" FML

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By notfuckingpaidenough - United States - San Leandro

Today, a man tried to rob the store I work at. Before the guy was taken by the cops, he complained to my manager for "unfriendly behavior". He took it seriously and bitched me out for not providing "quality service" to our customers. FML

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By Sad Student - Canada - Toronto

Today, as usual, I stress ate. After having my exams prolonged for an extra week, I ate three extremely large packs of Skittles, and then threw them all up. Taste the rainbow, puke the rainbow. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I spent six hours at the ER. Why? My husband dared our seventeen-year-old son to recreate a 'Jackass' trolley-hedge diving stunt at the local supermarket. What wasn't on my groceries list was a broken arm, fractured wrist, whiplash and cuts and bruises. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - South Gate

Today, my girlfriend decided to break up with me over Facebook. Unfortunately, she "accidentally" posted it on my wall instead of sending me a message, so the whole world could see it. My mom liked her post. FML

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By tm - United States - Madisonville

Today, I went to the emergency room with chest pain. I didn't have a heart attack, but I now have a broken nose after passing out and face-planting in the waiting room. FML

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By slenderman908 - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, I overheard my parents fighting about who has been the most loyal. I found out my Dad has cheated twice, and is still the most faithful of the two. FML

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By SadFoxLady - United States - Des Moines

Today, after years of researching and saving money, I got a pet fox. I was able to enjoy the majesty of the animal for three hours before it burrowed under the fence and ran away. FML

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By b. - Australia

Today, I was going shopping with a friend. I got up to get off the train and landed on my ass. Not only had I walked into the metal bar, I'd broken my $800 glasses, and the train doors had closed, with my friend on the other side of the doors. FML

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Top comments

By Danny0522 | 8

#3910077 - Thursday 19 January 2012 19:06

Well... Whose fault was that??

By zoPwNAgEzo | 21

#3910095 - Thursday 19 January 2012 19:08

*red forman voice* dumbass

COMMENTS

By Danny0522 | 8

#3910077 - Thursday 19 January 2012 19:06

Well... Whose fault was that??

Reply

K_kanaka | 26

#3910217 - Thursday 19 January 2012 19:28

OP how the fuck did you run over a old lady with a golf cart? I mean a golf cart of all things, and fuck the old lady's life man.

Reply

lebronesque73091 | 12

#3910478 - Thursday 19 January 2012 20:39

That'll do it.

Reply

GoingCommando93 | 14

#3910564 - Thursday 19 January 2012 21:09

30 - I agree. He forgot the most important rule: double tap.

Reply

RaggleFrock | 13

#3910626 - Thursday 19 January 2012 21:33

Recreating jackass scenes was not part of your contract.

Reply

AzWolf | 5

#3910695 - Thursday 19 January 2012 21:49

It certainly wasn't the ladies fault!

Reply

kyarush | 10

#3910759 - Thursday 19 January 2012 22:05

10 points

Reply

TPSerigne | 9

#3910896 - Thursday 19 January 2012 22:48

I would be pissed if that was my grandma.

Reply

princessbits | 17

#3910907 - Thursday 19 January 2012 22:52

You should've made sure there was no one in your way, especially in a retirement neighborhood.

Reply

xcrazymonkey32x | 0

#3911263 - Friday 20 January 2012 0:01

Are you sure she didn't jump in front of you yelling "mista mista get me outta here!"

Reply

Krysk_fml | 0

#3911825 - Friday 20 January 2012 2:37

118 - I would be pissed if I was the grandma

Reply

goaliemkl123 | 8

#3911927 - Friday 20 January 2012 3:02

I'm calling bs on this one.......

Reply

Swagmaster7 | 0

#3912323 - Friday 20 January 2012 4:46

Hey, don't be so hard on OP Grandmas are extremely fast and agile, it would be hard to see her

Reply

n_epic_fail | 14

#3912339 - Friday 20 January 2012 4:50

Mom said grandma got ran over by reindeer :(

Reply

fymother | 13

#3912699 - Friday 20 January 2012 6:17

At least you weren't driving a lawn mower...?

Reply

J3R3MYY | 14

#3913451 - Friday 20 January 2012 9:44

Was alcohol involved?

Reply

skullcandifiedDJ | 5

#3913630 - Friday 20 January 2012 11:11

Well what the hell did you expect then? A promotion?

Reply

DrNeuroxide | 0

#3919641 - Saturday 21 January 2012 16:48

Are you Asian?

By LePenguin | 0

#3910080 - Thursday 19 January 2012 19:07

I am sorry, but that sucks!

Reply

ICATiger | 13

#3910170 - Thursday 19 January 2012 19:14

Thanks sherlock!

Reply

lizard399 | 0

#3910416 - Thursday 19 January 2012 20:26

I'm glad you apologized before hand. If not then, woah, man that's fucked up. But you did so it's all good.

Reply

PYLrulz | 17

#3910883 - Thursday 19 January 2012 22:43

That sucks for the old lady, right?!?

Reply

ImFrackinBored | 13

#3910992 - Thursday 19 January 2012 23:04

For the old lady...

Reply

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#3912543 - Friday 20 January 2012 5:36

What if OP is an old man/lady driver too?

Reply

TrimKibbles | 12

#3915785 - Friday 20 January 2012 22:09

Then it doesn't make a difference.

By mexicanguy39 | 7

#3910082 - Thursday 19 January 2012 19:07

You should be more careful! YDI

Reply

ClassyCommando | 13

#3910242 - Thursday 19 January 2012 19:40

OP plays too much GTA.

Reply

aceman1992 | 9

#3910272 - Thursday 19 January 2012 19:49

Alright I've heard of abusing the elderly while in retirement homes.... But I think you went a little far...

Reply

lizard399 | 0

#3910424 - Thursday 19 January 2012 20:28

Agreed, he apparently wasn't careful enough. Next time you run a old lady over be careful about it, lay a pillow down or something.

Reply

ShroomsOnAcid | 16

#3910504 - Thursday 19 January 2012 20:45

51, That kinda makes it sound like other forms of elderly abuse are all just fine and dandy. Sure, I smacked that bitch up... But at least I didn't run her over with a golf cart!

Reply

FinnishAmerican | 3

#3910878 - Thursday 19 January 2012 22:43

He was going for a new high score :)

Reply

aceman1992 | 9

#3911437 - Friday 20 January 2012 1:16

Not seeing the problem 82?

By stevenmx86 | 7

#3910093 - Thursday 19 January 2012 19:08

Wow there should be no other button than Ydi for this one

By zoPwNAgEzo | 21

#3910095 - Thursday 19 January 2012 19:08

*red forman voice* dumbass

Reply

DontModMeDammit | 10

#3910174 - Thursday 19 January 2012 19:15

*Mortal combat voice* Finish him!

Reply

kiran_fml | 5

#3910252 - Thursday 19 January 2012 19:44

*Urkel voice* Did I do thaaat?

Reply

slushpup9696 | 12

#3910286 - Thursday 19 January 2012 19:51

*2 Bucks voice* Oh shiiiiiiiit!

Reply

lizard399 | 0

#3910337 - Thursday 19 January 2012 20:04

*Nathan drake voice* "I'll kick you to sleep!"

(Nobody? Just me? Well alright..)

Reply

BeaterOfTheDrums | 15

#3910363 - Thursday 19 January 2012 20:10

*terminator voice* "I'll be back!*

Reply

bitchslapped22 | 14

#3910511 - Thursday 19 January 2012 20:50

C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER

Reply

thatKidzmOm | 10

#3910611 - Thursday 19 January 2012 21:25

*Kevin hart voice* alright alright alriiigggghhhhttt!!!! You gonna learn today!!

Reply

MsMindblowing | 0

#3910628 - Thursday 19 January 2012 21:33

hahahaha kevin hart is THE best

Reply

npnptracking | 7

#3911413 - Friday 20 January 2012 1:13

**Simon Cowell's voice** "#83, that was absolutely TERRIBLE."

Reply

ppl2ppl | 4

#3912506 - Friday 20 January 2012 5:27

Love "that 70s show" comment, awesome show ^_^

By hotPinklipstick | 24

#3910096 - Thursday 19 January 2012 19:08

Oh my god, is the cart ok?

Reply

j_cat187 | 19

#3910849 - Thursday 19 January 2012 22:38

Better get the hose, baked on blood on the exhaust is almost impossible to get off.

Reply

heyyy464 | 1

#3911403 - Friday 20 January 2012 1:12

Somebody get the toothpaste!

By TheMaster15 | 10

#3910098 - Thursday 19 January 2012 19:09

Watch for flying purses!

By ICATiger | 13

#3910100 - Thursday 19 January 2012 19:09

Hit and run elderly style

By KrazieKleo | 13

#3910106 - Thursday 19 January 2012 19:10

Pay attention a little more next time?

By darkkisses | 6

#3910110 - Thursday 19 January 2012 19:10

Not to be rude but if you think your life is bad b/c you got fired, imagine the poor old woman! YDI :/