Health: Today, I still can't poop unless I hear the sound of the bathroom... - FML

By ltwlty - 20/09/2016 07:07 - China - Beijing

Today, I still can't poop unless I hear the sound of the bathroom fan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 750

You deserved it 1 384

Leave us alone

Friend's best friend

Bad car day

Doesn't add up

By Anonymous - 17/12/2021 05:02

Today, my coworker asked me to add her on Facebook. She has a common name, so I picked the one I thought was her. After no response for a while, I asked for the right spelling. She saw the one I thought was her and said, “I can’t believe you thought I was that ugly.” She wasn't joking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 645

You deserved it 187

By level6 - 23/10/2010 22:11 - United States

Today, after constantly checking my email for a week, I finally got a letter saying that I was accepted to take a test for a job position. The only problem is I was scheduled to test today, eight hours ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 317

You deserved it 3 458

By innuendom - 22/09/2010 06:56 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out I have a job interview coming up. For the job I'm currently doing and have been for the last nine months. My manager told me not to expect too much. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 462

You deserved it 2 380

By Arp - 04/02/2012 20:46 - United States

Today, I got an early Valentine's day card. My boyfriend and I recently broke up, and my hopes shot up thinking it might be from him. It wasn't. It was from my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 148

You deserved it 4 655

By Anonymous - 12/10/2015 15:43 - United States - Corona

Today, I nearly got written up at work for missing an important memo. The memo was sent to everyone via the company Facebook group and not by our e-mail system. My manager could hardly believe people exist who have no Facebook account and have no intention of making one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 895

You deserved it 2 392

By Derek - 05/08/2018 01:30

Today, I found out that my kids are both my half-brothers, and the fertility tests my wife had us do a few years ago showed that I'm sterile. She didn't tell me until I found the test results in her desk and asked her about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 931

You deserved it 271

By Anonymous - 24/04/2014 15:35 - United Kingdom - Montrose

Today, I got my car cleaned. As I drove home, the passenger of the van in front of me vomited out the window. The vomit sailed back and splattered all over the front of my car. A waste of £10 and a mental image that will never go away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 166

You deserved it 3 406

By wherefelix - 03/07/2009 08:01 - United States

Today, I woke up early, showered, dressed, and made the 40 minute drive to work, only to discover when I arrived that today was my day off. When I got home my live in boyfriend was gone. I called and he told me he was at the beach, right near my work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 044

You deserved it 9 470

By Jeff - 02/08/2019 04:00 - United States

Today, after a stay at the hospital for two broken legs, I finally got home and attempted to relax. My dad went to hand me the remote and dropped it right on my nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 579

You deserved it 121

You idiot!

By Anonymous - 28/10/2019 22:00

Today, I didn't want to hang out with my girlfriend so I could binge watch Pawn Stars instead. When she asked me why not, I lied not very convincingly and said my mom was sick and needed my help. She now thinks I'm cheating on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 448

You deserved it 2 882

Puppy love

By Lovesick - 30/01/2021 01:58 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my husband is furious because I accused him of being in love with my best friend. He talks about her constantly, perks up like a puppy when she comes over, and occasionally only gets erections if I talk about her. Even the kids have noticed how moonstruck he is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 742

You deserved it 116

By married - 16/10/2010 12:31 - United States

Today, my sister and I were both on Facebook, updating our statuses. I set mine to "just got released from hospital with Baby Lily", as I'd had a baby earlier this week. My sister set hers to "menstrual blood smells like shrimp". Her status got 37 likes. Mine got none. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 486

You deserved it 7 232

By Angrily Paranoid - 06/10/2013 05:29 - United States - Seattle

Today, my paranoia got so bad that I had to physically restrain myself from aggressively confronting the kid walking behind me on the sidewalk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 810

You deserved it 6 191

By disgruntled - 26/03/2019 18:00

Today, I was passed over for a team lead role at work which went to my older male coworker instead. He repeatedly said that he only wanted the position for the money and didn’t care about leading. When I asked why he was offered the role over me, they said he had more leadership experience. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 908

You deserved it 251

By nerdsgetmehot - 07/04/2011 16:55 - United States

Today, at 21 years old, I am still so flat chested that I can't even fit into training bras meant for 12 year olds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 737

You deserved it 5 842

By Anonymous - 28/10/2010 04:44 - Canada

Today, my little cousin is going to be staying at our house for a year or so, because of financial problems. It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that every single night he creeps up on me while I'm sleeping, and shouts "GO F YOURSELF!" directly into my ear. Only another 11 months to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 213

You deserved it 3 470

By sigh... - 25/06/2010 06:44 - United States

Today, after several hours of trying to get my triplet daughters to go to bed, they finally fell asleep. Exhausted, I went to the bathroom so I could go to bed. Not thinking about it, I dropped the toilet seat down rather loudly and flushed the toilet. All three girls woke up crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 547

You deserved it 27 466

By achoo - 27/04/2009 12:52 - United States

Today, I brought back the puppy I adopted for my family. I spent months doing all the research on puppy care with two young children, and at least five hundred dollars for the dog, the supplies, toys... the whole bit. Turns out everyone's allergic to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 969

You deserved it 8 462

Grammar police alert

By Weekdae - 09/12/2020 09:01 - United States - Litchfield Park

Today, I found another comment online referencing, "Smoke weed everyday." With all due respect for smoking weed, when will people learn that "every" and "day" need to be two separate words in that context? This is seriously making it hard for me to focus on my work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 345

You deserved it 1 301

Lonely days

By beckbr - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I asked a little old lady in line at my work why she wasn't out enjoying the beautiful day with all her friends. Her response, "I'd love to, but they're all dead." FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 357

You deserved it 29 883

By Dale - 21/02/2009 02:20 - Costa Rica

Today, I got to Costa Rica for my first vacation in five years. I immediately rented a scooter for the week after checking into my prepaid, no refunds, hotel. On the way back from the rental agency I hit a pothole and broke my leg and ripped the skin off my foot. I'm flying home tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 432

You deserved it 4 150

By Michigan - 05/02/2009 01:18 - United States

Today, I walked past a man handing out miniature Bibles on my way to class. He handed me one, commenting "here, you look like you need this." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 669

You deserved it 4 850

By Anonymous - 07/03/2012 06:29 - United States

Today, I was cooking and I burned my thumb. I had some first-aid burn spray, so I sprayed it on. I went outside to smoke a cigarette, and when I flicked my lighter, my thumb went up in flames. Turns out that first-aid burn spray is flammable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 291

You deserved it 45 975

By eww657 - 16/12/2009 15:43 - United Kingdom

Today, it's the first evening that my husband and I will have without the kids in 8 months. We had been looking forward to it for ages, and my husband had even bought me some lovely new lingerie for the occasion. Guess what? I just got diarrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 211

You deserved it 3 853

By Cyberdeeder - 13/10/2008 08:19

Today, at the cinema, I sat next to a guy who couldn’t stand a minute without laughing or making comments about the film. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 058

You deserved it 20 242

Looks like we made it… Oh.

By Anonymous - 12/10/2020 23:01 - United States - San Jose

Today, I went on a walk with my family because I'm trying to be more active. We were near my son's school when I got a grumbling in my stomach. I rushed to find a place to take a dump. As I approached a Porta-Potty, my ass couldn't hold it any longer and I shit myself 20 feet away from the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 214

You deserved it 168

Weird reason, but OK

By Anonymous - 30/01/2021 05:01 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, sitting in my car, an hour into a four-hour trip. The reason? I haven't been lifting with him at his gym during the COVID-19 pandemic. The kicker? We were headed back after a stay-cation with his mom, because yesterday was my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 794

You deserved it 82

By Caught - 11/11/2010 13:34 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was in the car hooking up with my boyfriend. He was on top of me when I noticed my neighbor jogging toward the car. Instead of hiding, I felt compelled to wave as he jogged past us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 655

You deserved it 43 024

By Murlocmurk - 05/12/2012 17:04 - United States

Today, at school, I have to do a 45 minute presentation with a girl who has panic attacks so bad that she cries, runs out of the room, and sometimes passes out. This presentation terrifies her and it's a major part of my final grade. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 568

You deserved it 2 507

By Rawr - 01/08/2010 10:38 - Switzerland

Today, my grandmother told me she would pay for me to get a nose job. I never thought there was a problem with my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 577

You deserved it 2 875

By shook - 06/09/2017 14:00 - United States - Clermont

Today, I crashed into a pole on purpose as a cop pulled me over for speeding. I figured the officer would feel bad for me and that the cost of fixing my car would be less than a ticket. He gave me one anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 066

You deserved it 11 737

By Anonymous - 01/07/2011 22:02 - United States

Today, my dad spent a full half hour trying to convince me that Judaism is a race. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 793

You deserved it 6 498

What a wuss

By Furbabies - 10/05/2021 06:01 - Canada

Today, a few few friends, along with my long-time crush of mine came over to my house so we could finish a school project. As soon as he stepped into my house, he went pale, turned heel, and refused to step foot in my house. Why? Because the bison taxidermy above my fireplace scares him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 780

You deserved it 401

By thebeachisthatway - 22/10/2012 18:56 - United States - Worcester

Today, my son got expelled after using the photocopier to photocopy his penis. He then used the copies to replace every directional arrow posted throughout the school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 150

You deserved it 5 252

By Anonymous - 19/01/2010 09:34 - United States

Today, as I was walking home, I felt my feet slip out from under me and I face-planted in the slushy, dirty, melting snow. I rolled over, completely soaked, and attempted to get up, thinking no one saw me. A mail-man then passed me without offering to help, and said, "I've seen worse." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 324

You deserved it 3 023

By TheFatOne - 31/08/2014 19:27 - United States

Today, I had to cancel my plans to go see my grandma, because I wasn't feeling too well. I called her to apologize, but she had trouble remembering who I was. When I told her my name, she said "Oh, the FAT one." Yes grandma, the fat one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 842

You deserved it 5 537

By fviz - 07/02/2013 09:51 - United States

Today, while using a public restroom to change my tampon, I made eye contact with someone looking at me through the little space in the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 112

You deserved it 2 782

By FuckPollen - 08/07/2015 11:01 - United Kingdom - Hartlepool

Today, I attended a work interview. My hay fever has been flaring up during the hot weather, causing my throat to swell up and make me short of breath, which I explained. The woman interviewing me told me I was unsuccessful, as customers wouldn't be able to understand someone with my 'disability'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 847

You deserved it 1 892

By Anonymous - 14/07/2019 04:30

Today, I found out that my husband only dated me because I look like what he thought the daughter he had with his first wife might look like when she's grown up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 240

You deserved it 152

Smart kid

By bleredoshia - 08/04/2010 04:27 - New Zealand

Today, after church, my 5-year-old son asked me about God, so I answered his questions in full. We talked about God for over 2 hours. At the end of it all, he pondered for a moment, before saying to me, "That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. You're dumb." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 523

You deserved it 61 923

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Top comments

StormfrontX33_fml 24

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Sunday 9 October 2016 7:04

It does cover unpleasant noises and suck up some of the unpleasant smell. I don't blame you.

LyricaSilvan 29

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Sunday 9 October 2016 7:05

Gotta love those conditioned responses. You get so used to things being a certain way, that you can't function normally without those factors. I'm the same way with my sleep; I HAVE to have a fan on, because I've gotten used to the sound of it. If I don't, I don't sleep, or at least not well.

Comments

StormfrontX33_fml 24

Send a private message

Sunday 9 October 2016 7:04

It does cover unpleasant noises and suck up some of the unpleasant smell. I don't blame you.

LyricaSilvan 29

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Sunday 9 October 2016 7:05

Gotta love those conditioned responses. You get so used to things being a certain way, that you can't function normally without those factors. I'm the same way with my sleep; I HAVE to have a fan on, because I've gotten used to the sound of it. If I don't, I don't sleep, or at least not well.

emh86 14

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Sunday 9 October 2016 13:35

I am similar to you. I have to have some form of white noise.

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Sunday 9 October 2016 14:41

My sister was the same when she was young, she would have the fan on even in winter, and get colds from it just for the noise.

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Monday 10 October 2016 1:22

Most people point them at a wall to prevent this. But you can get white noise devices these days, no/little air movement!

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Monday 10 October 2016 5:28

That's why I never liked those dyson "noiseless" fans. What's the damn point lol

mermaidkeels 26

Sunday 9 October 2016 7:07

Dinner at Taco Bell should fix that!

jbuckets_404 38

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Sunday 9 October 2016 10:23

#3: Why? Does Taco Bell have loud fans in their bathrooms?

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Sunday 9 October 2016 12:57

Unfortunately, Taco Bell isn't available in China. They're gonna need to find another laxative.

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Sunday 9 October 2016 7:20

I listen to a specific song whenever I'm doing my daily paperwork. Once you get into odd habits, it's hard to break them.

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Sunday 9 October 2016 7:28

If you're that hell bent on basking in your own glory, you could always record the sound of the fan and play it through your iPod.

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Sunday 9 October 2016 7:58

Just be careful the shit doesn't hit the fan

Lalala579121 27

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Sunday 9 October 2016 13:09

Instructions unclear, shit stuck in ceiling fan.

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Sunday 9 October 2016 8:15

Record the sound on your phone and play it every time you want to poop. Also there's probably a YouTube clip out there that continuously plays the sound of a bathroom fan.

species4872 19

Sunday 9 October 2016 8:27

So your a big fan?

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Sunday 9 October 2016 8:33

this does not seem worthy of an fml. maybe mlia?

nodai 13

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Sunday 9 October 2016 9:31

I'm just the opposite, it bothers the hell out of me AND I poop after showering a good 70% of the time, making me have to reshower... Needless to say, I feel your pain.

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Sunday 9 October 2016 14:43

And then when you reshower does it make you want to poop again?

Nearly

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46

You deserved it 3

Today, my girlfriend called off our plans to get married, all because I didn't “make enough time” while I was busy renovating the house for her parents to come over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 140

You deserved it 10

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 331

You deserved it 400

Today, my 9 year-old son told me that sometimes he gets stiff “down there.” I assured him that it’s perfectly normal, but then he added that it only happens when he hears his stomach growling. Um, what? FML

I agree, your life sucks 470

You deserved it 61