Miscellaneous: Today, I was house sitting by myself and I texted my mom saying...

By idiot - United States

Today, I was house sitting by myself and I texted my mom saying how thankful I was that she was trusting me and not checking up on me. That night I threw a party at the house. My mom showed up to check on me because my text was "suspicious". FML

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Miscellaneous

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Procrastination

BFF for life

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a first aid training course. I had to lie on the floor and pretend I was unconscious. We were supposed to be doing the recovery position, but the guy I was working with decided to perform CPR instead and grope my boobs in the process. FML

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36440

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By Idk - United States - Wilton

Today at work I had recieved a lot of phone calls. I thought maybe it was a scammer line because I never recieve calls. Turns out my phone number was a character's same number in a TV Show. FML

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2576

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By Anonymous - United States - Cleveland

Today, I asked my dad for advice. I recently got drunk and had a one-night stand. I feel terrible, because I'm engaged to a wonderful lady. My dad just said, "You did the right thing, son, keep it up. She's gonna steal half ya shit in the divorce anyway". FML

I agree, your life sucks

22726

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By f*ck - Australia - Reynella

Today, I saw my boss heading my way at work. He has a "no food in the office" policy, so I quickly scarfed down my pop-tart. I ended up choking on it so hard that I threw up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25687

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By AOart1st - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was rock climbing. I had my equipment on and I saw a really cute girl. I went for the hardest climb in the gym, and while jumping up to grab the rock, I simultaneously farted, missed the rock, fell to the mat and broke my arm in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36091

You deserved it

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By wtf did I do - United States

Today, I went to help a friend move into her new apartment. We were half-way through when it started to rain, and in my anger I yelled that it's like these things happen just to annoy me. Then we heard the tornado sirens. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26264

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By KidJwal - United States

Today, I had to explain to a cop that the reason I was speeding was because my girlfriend was in the hospital due to a car accident. He was working the accident just ten minutes before and saw me leave behind the ambulance. He still gave me a ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38426

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By j3r3zana16 - Canada

Today, while parking, I accidentally hit my landlord's daughter's brand new car. I made a huge dent in the side door. I thought nobody was home, so I quickly went to my room. Turns out they were having a barbecue outside and saw the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8365

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By alltimelove

Today, I was at a pet store cuddling an apparently overaggressive chinchilla when it decided to bite me and run out of my hands. It is now nowhere to be found and I have to pay for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25407

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, I realized that trying to fit in with my crush's social circle by acting like one of the lads was a waste of time. All he does is high-five me all the time and tell me every little detail of his latest one night stands. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17313

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By Joy - Denmark

Today, we had guests coming over. My dad wanted me to make some bacon, but I refused because I'm a vegetarian, and don't like to touch meat. His response? 'Good joke honey, now make the bacon.' FML

I agree, your life sucks

35982

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By ManinBlack - Canada

Today, after months of looking forward to my new fencing lessons and speculating endlessly about the people who might be in my class, I went to my first lesson. I was the only one who showed up. FML

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25865

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By janesays - United States

Today, my 2 year old had a large booger blocking his nose so I pulled it out. I was on the phone and absentmindedly rolling it around between my thumb and pointer finger. I put it in my mouth and crushed it between my teeth for a solid minute before I remembered what it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9577

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2021 20:01 - Canada

So compassionate

Today, my longterm girlfriend and I broke up after 2 months of me not being myself, due to repressed memories of a childhood trauma. Prior to this coming up, I was about about ask her to marry me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

911

You deserved it

142

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By Anonymous - United States - Lutz

Today, a few months after my co-worker had stopped wearing her engagement ring, I decided to put on the moves and start flirting with her. I soon found out that her fiancé had died, and that she's nowhere near over him, despite her brave face. I feel like a total asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, I was at a bar. A fat guy looks at me for a while and sits down next to me. He turns and I expect that he'll hit on me. He then buttons down his shirt, presses his man boobs together and say to his friends “Look, I’ve got bigger tits than than the girl next to me!" His friends agreed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62978

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Springfield

Today, while taking part in a lifeguarding exercise, I was supposed to "drown" to get another guard to save me. After all was done, my boss called me into his office and screamed at me for "drowning the wrong way," and threatening our reputation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27274

You deserved it

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By Puzzlepiece - Australia - Lakemba

Today, I spent the whole day doing a 500 piece puzzle. The last piece didn't fit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47147

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my little brother grabbed my boobs and wouldn't let go until I pried his hands off. When I told my mom, her response was, "Get over it. He's a little kid who doesn't know any better." He's 14 years old. FML

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58898

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By spanishgirl101 - Canada

Today, I fell down the stairs, and my uncle came rushing over because he thought it was his 1 year old son. He saw me lying on the ground and said, "Oh. It's you," and then left to watch the hockey game. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28842

You deserved it

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By hoops - United States

Today, I clocked into work completely exhausted despite having gone to bed early. My roommates stayed up until 4am watching a movie, blasting music, and constantly giggling like madwomen. This is their "new and improved" schedule. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25243

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By longing for emancipation - United States - Mitchell

Today, my mom claimed that lactose intolerance is a "myth" and told me to drink my damn milk because it's good for my bones. FML

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14658

You deserved it

1305

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By g'day cunt - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my dog head-butted me in the mouth so hard that my lip split open. Twenty minutes later, I unthinkingly sprayed perfume directly into the wound. FML

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8629

You deserved it

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By ufhdafuhds - Egypt

Today, I decided to have sex for the first time with my boyfriend. It was his first time too. While in bed, he blankly stopped and stood up and got out a piece of paper from his pockets. Turns out, he had written instructions on what to do while in bed, and forgot what he had to do next. FML

I agree, your life sucks

138479

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By maggotsinmycarpet - United States

Today, I was cleaning my room when I found a nice surprise from my cat. While I was on vacation, she killed a mouse. By the time I found it, there were maggots crawling in my carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37416

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By Soph - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, during a sex ed lesson, we were given a lecture on pregnancy and abortion from the school nurse. Throughout the session she kept repeating, "Of course, Sophie knows ALL about this." The nurse happens to know that my dad's a gynaecologist. That's not what everyone else in the year thinks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47580

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By NotAParabola - United States

Today, I tried to surprise my boyfriend over webcam with a cute negligee. He was doing homework. Half an hour later, he finally noticed. Apparently pre-calc is more interesting than his girlfriend. I guess polynomials are just curvier than me. FML

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19231

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By shorty - United States

Today, I told my mom I was going through a growth spurt. She said "Yeah, horizontally." FML

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34692

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my brother thought it would be hilarious to take a pair of scissors to all my bras. My mom can't take me shopping for another three days and I have no one to borrow a bra from. I have school. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44125

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my grandma called me spoiled, materialistic, and Americanized for reminding her that she can flush the toilet after she uses it. The family now has a "three pee, one poo" minimum before we're allowed to flush. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23030

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my fiancé admitted to me that he only found big girls attractive, and that's why he could never cheat on me with my friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40435

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2020 10:05 - United States - Baton Rouge

Medically accurate

Today, I sprained my ankle badly at a volleyball game. I asked my coach for some athletic tape so I could get back in the game. She handed me duct tape and said that athletic tape and duct tape are basically the same. Getting duct tape off your sprained ankle hurts like hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks

994

You deserved it

158

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting heated, and he started to go down on me. In excitement, I accidentally drove a knee into his face. No amount of fondling his diddlestick made him forgive me for his bloody nose and swollen eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26666

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had nothing better to do than make a penis out of silly putty. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11826

You deserved it

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By dwek - United Kingdom

Today, while checking through the graphic novel section of my library, I noticed a gay manga porn comic. While I was wondering who in the world would ever RENT such an item, I realised I had been staring at it for a full five minutes and people were watching me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18844

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after suggesting to my daughter for a while that she should try out for a cheerleading team to become more confident, she went to tryouts. She didn't make the team and she's spent the last six hours in her room crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17626

You deserved it

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By Bug5992 - United States - Kent

Today, I was getting intimate with my current bootycall when he thought it would be funny to make animal sounds. He "baa-ed" "moo-ed" and "gobbled" until losing his erection from intense laughter, leaving me there very confused and unsatisfied. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31739

You deserved it

10286

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By Kayla - United States - Mesa

Today, I freaked out because of the smell of rotting eggs lingering in my apartment. I soon discovered it was my boyfriend's feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26683

You deserved it

3197

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By malcolmXXX - United States - Savannah

Today, a girl I've liked for the longest time kept asking me to reveal my "deepest secret" in exchange for hers. Thinking this was flirting, I told her my secret was that I liked her. Her secret was that she was a "lesbian and just had to tell somebody." FML

I agree, your life sucks

28097

You deserved it

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By sadie - 13/3/2021 23:01

They're all eggheads to me

Today, my daughter once again called my boyfriend by the name of an ex-boyfriend. She always does this and she claims it’s because they’re all bald. Can she not remember their very distinct faces? FML

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614

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Top comments

By Sun_Kissed18 | 25

#438151 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 23:02

Wow your fault

By ily_hun996 | 0

#438188 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 23:12

You never, EVER say, "Thank you for not checking in on me."

COMMENTS

By Sun_Kissed18 | 25

#438151 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 23:02

Wow your fault

JWCbox | 0

#438359 - Wednesday 29 July 2009 0:00

That IS really suspicious.

ShannonBananan76 | 0

#439150 - Wednesday 29 July 2009 5:34

wow...i don't even know how to respond to this...u totally deserved this

yeaboiii | 0

#441989 - Thursday 30 July 2009 7:53

Yeah I agree what were you thinking.

Next time I sneak up behind someone I'm gonna say "Wow, I'm glad you're not looking behind you right now."

turtlellama | 0

#451176 - Sunday 2 August 2009 22:10

LOL #136!

Macromartyr | 3

#1029636 - Sunday 13 June 2010 19:51

LMAO perfect

By Hermitcrab | 0

#438153 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 23:02

You deserved it...Sorry!

JazzHandsFML | 28

#6219091 - Monday 2 March 2015 16:25

don't apologize op is an untrustworthy methcake!

By Sun_Kissed18 | 25

#438156 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 23:03

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

picky_and_bitter | 0

#438331 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 23:49

lmao that comment is funny. but seriously was it fun?

By YDIdouche | 0

#438159 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 23:04

YDI.

average_girl | 0

#439143 - Wednesday 29 July 2009 5:30

i kno right! its funny how some people think they r making a smart move when its really dumb! i would never send my mom a text like that! that IS really suspicious!

realggirl | 0

#440161 - Wednesday 29 July 2009 17:17

Yeah, seriously.

eehizle | 0

#983887 - Friday 23 April 2010 2:08

you a idiot.

Lucidium | 0

#1211591 - Monday 9 August 2010 13:57

You a idiot? OH POL-EEZ

WTSchool | 0

#1548666 - Friday 15 October 2010 0:52

Oh poh-leez?

And you're complaining about grammar. Please.

geovanni | 9

#1828673 - Saturday 11 December 2010 15:01

it was different spelling to explain differing pronunciation

By Dfeline | 2

#438170 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 23:06

You have a suspicious mother, yet you still dared to throw a party?
Real smooth...

By imrealldum | 2

#438172 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 23:07

who does that?!

By ishirticapslock | 0

#438176 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 23:08

I agree with your mom. That is pretty suspicious.... YDI ;]

By regenzie | 0

#438185 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 23:11

Are you retarded? Haha YDI. Also, be a little bit more considerate of other people's houses.

By ily_hun996 | 0

#438188 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 23:12

You never, EVER say, "Thank you for not checking in on me."

SpitFyre | 0

#439138 - Wednesday 29 July 2009 5:28

"Hi mom, thx for leaving me alone at home and not checking up on me, im glad u no im trustworthy, thx again bye"

That doesn't sound suspicious at all...

FMLkaiiden | 8

#5112660 - Sunday 4 November 2012 3:11

No kidding, who does that?

By M13LO | 0

#438190 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 23:12

*smack on the head* you should of had a V8

kittykatt | 0

#438204 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 23:16

bahahaha i love those commercials!