Today, I was house sitting by myself and I texted my mom saying...

By idiot - 28/7/2009 16:15 - United States

Today, I was house sitting by myself and I texted my mom saying how thankful I was that she was trusting me and not checking up on me. That night I threw a party at the house. My mom showed up to check on me because my text was "suspicious". FML

I agree, your life sucks

9812

You deserved it

125853

Favorite

Miscellaneous

Season finale

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Don't give up

By failure - 8/4/2011 05:24

Today, my girlfriend hid my car keys and decided that she wouldn't give them back until I succeeded in giving her an orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20639

You deserved it

80635

Favorite

By TheComedyAudio - 6/4/2018 01:30

Today, I surprised my girlfriend of 3 years with Stone Sour and Korn tickets, since I knew how badly she wanted to go. She responded by asking if we could go as just friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4632

You deserved it

316

Favorite

By Tyler - 25/8/2013 04:30 - United States

Today, I went to the mall with my girlfriend to buy some new clothes, and I turned around to give her a quick kiss. My lips were half-way to "her" face when I saw instead the face of another lady. She slapped me. My girlfriend was standing next to me, very pissed off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46095

You deserved it

9623

Favorite

By sharee - 19/12/2015 20:51 - United States - Providence

Today, my father-in-law asked me if I have breast implants in front of the whole family for the third time this month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26106

You deserved it

2089

Favorite

By Anonymous - 12/5/2016 07:32 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend was extremely angry. He found a naked photograph of me online that he thought I'd been sending to other guys. It wasn't me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14919

You deserved it

1187

Favorite

By Anonymous - 27/9/2009 12:52 - United Kingdom

Still got game

Today, I listened to my voice mail messages for the first time in months. One was from my Grandma that must have been meant for Gramps. I think I know now why my mother has so many siblings. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25260

You deserved it

2057

Favorite

By Anonymous - 6/1/2012 20:36 - Mexico

Today, my blanket got caught on my nose ring and it took my boyfriend over an hour to get it free. Afterwards, he admitted he was trying not to laugh because it reminded him of a bullfight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13518

You deserved it

30789

Favorite

By Sleepless - 5/2/2019 00:00

Today, my dad and I had to move in with my mom. There's only two tiny rooms, and my aunt lives there along with her dogs and my cat. The dogs have tried to kill my cat, I have to share the bed with my mom, who snores BAD, and I haven't slept in two days. I work early all week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2215

You deserved it

273

Favorite

By DDD - 31/1/2009 15:04 - France

Today, I had sex with a guy. As he was sleeping next to me, I checked his facebook messages and saw that he sent a message to one of his buddies asking what kind of lotion helps get rid of crabs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21292

You deserved it

66556

Favorite

By Anonymous - 5/11/2010 10:05 - United Kingdom

Today, I was accused of shop-lifting by an old lady in a supermarket. Having proven myself innocent, I tried to storm off to show my displeasure at the situation. In my haste to make a dramatic exit, I tried to go out of the entrance and walked straight into the automatic door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25814

You deserved it

13378

Favorite

By Anonymous - 24/1/2015 01:17 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I saw selfies of my aunt and her friends on Facebook having a great time. They took the pictures at my mother's funeral last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36801

You deserved it

2410

Favorite

By LMN - 31/7/2009 01:30 - United States

Today, after receiving a message about being hired at a retail store, I went to the orientation for new employees. The trainer seemed perplexed when I told him my name, but he gave me my paperwork and continued with training. At the end of the 8 hour day, he asked to talk to me. I wasn't actually hired. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43857

You deserved it

2929

Favorite

By Anonymous - 9/6/2016 23:37 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I came home to my wife packing a bag. We had been fighting recently and I understood why she was leaving, but then I noticed she wasn't packing her stuff. She explained that I was the one who was leaving, she was just packing my bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14569

You deserved it

2220

Favorite

By Anon - 10/5/2009 12:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up really early before my mom so I could make pancakes for mother's day. I placed everything on a tray and even picked a flower, had a card for her and took it to her bedroom. She said "You shouldn't have, pancakes are fattening." She took one bite and fed the rest to the dogs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

69111

You deserved it

4222

Favorite

By thedri11 - 31/5/2012 01:52 - United States - Oxnard

Today, I was so broke I went to Costco, not to buy anything, but to eat their free food samples. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32581

You deserved it

3683

Favorite

By State - 19/3/2017 02:00

Today, my best friend asked me to be the best man at his wedding. I had to decline because the bride's family has deep prison gang ties and I'm a correctional officer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7215

You deserved it

534

Favorite

By Toothy_Peg - 13/6/2009 15:13 - Australia

Today, I got a meat pie for lunch. I bit into it and felt something hard. I spat it out. It was a tooth. I checked my mouth in a panic and discovered, with mixed feelings of relief and horror, that the tooth wasn’t mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

89018

You deserved it

4310

Favorite

By Anonymous - 24/8/2011 08:03 - United States

Today, my aunt and uncle stole $584 from me, since I'm moving out. Their reasoning? I stole things. When I asked what I'd stolen, my aunt looked me straight in the eye and said "Milk Duds." FML

I agree, your life sucks

36285

You deserved it

3251

Favorite

By AnnaNick - 14/2/2010 02:19 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were out shopping. As he was trying on shirts, I told him that the particular shirt he was wearing looked ugly. He turned around, sighed, and said "You think? Well, your face is ugly, but you don't see me complaining about it." He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31857

You deserved it

10302

Favorite

By Anonymous - 4/9/2011 16:21 - United States

Today, I finally got intimate with the girl I like. As I started lifting her shirt, she stuck her hand down my pants and grabbed my junk. She immediately stopped what she was doing, snickered, and calmly said, "Take me home." FML

I agree, your life sucks

54054

You deserved it

6342

Favorite

By Anonymous - 12/3/2010 17:24 - United States

Today, I found out that after reuniting with an old boyfriend, getting close with his two year old son, and moving closer to him to properly be a part of their lives, he got back together with his ex wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27260

You deserved it

6179

Favorite

By meggasee - 25/1/2010 00:23 - France

Today, while having hot sex with my boyfriend, I was experiencing my very first orgasm. Right when my mother walked in. We had no blankets. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24711

You deserved it

8235

Favorite

By fuckedalready - 3/2/2009 12:40 - United States

Today, the cleaning lady left a note that said my room was too dirty to clean. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10258

You deserved it

35887

Favorite

By a-scared - 6/8/2009 22:18 - United States

Today, I went to the Grand Canyon with my family. Also today, I found out that I have a crippling fear of heights. My family left me on a ledge hyperventilating and having a mental breakdown, while they hiked for another 2 hours. They won't stop telling me how pretty it was and what I missed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41475

You deserved it

8609

Favorite

By exnotwelcome19 - 2/5/2011 01:05 - United States

Today, my mom told my abusive ex-boyfriend, whom I broke up with 5 days ago, that he is always welcome at my house. She "misses him". FML

I agree, your life sucks

52204

You deserved it

3705

Favorite

By CatLady - 9/6/2011 07:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I tried to give his cat medicine. Unfortunately, it reacted in a way it never had before: clawed his arms to bits, bit him so hard a tooth fell out, peed everywhere, including on me, and pooped on the carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35073

You deserved it

5954

Favorite

By mylifesucks - 2/12/2009 01:32 - United States

Today, I found out that my 2 week Christmas vacation my boss was talking about wasn't for this year, but 2010. I spent the day with my husband cancelling flights to Florida, and explaning to my 8 year old why we were not going to Disney World. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37350

You deserved it

4927

Favorite

By Anonymous - 2/6/2009 23:13 - United States

Today, I was working my job as a waitress near my college. I handed a customer her check, and she noticed that I had added her bill wrong. I apologized, and she pointed to my "student" labeled nametag, asking what I was studying. I said English. I'm a math major. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15041

You deserved it

46882

Favorite

By Elizabeth - 29/7/2011 19:56 - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend to let him know that after he gets off work, he can find me in his room wearing something sexy. He responded with, "Please don't touch anything." FML

I agree, your life sucks

35724

You deserved it

5428

Favorite

By - 24/1/2020 18:00

Online life

Today, I found out that the girl I've been dating online for over three months is actually a very bored 14-year-old boy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1368

You deserved it

2257

Favorite

By foreverafatty - 31/3/2011 05:49 - United States

Today, I learned that I can work out for over an hour a day, cut my daily calories by almost half, keep careful track of my diet, drink nothing but water, and not lose a pound. But I can sure as hell gain weight after one dinner at a buffet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30516

You deserved it

15751

Favorite

By wow - 16/5/2019 00:05

Another fine mess

Today, I was walking my dog when he did his business. He then stepped all in it and coated his paws. As I was struggling with him, I slipped and landed butt-first into his steaming pile. My boyfriend nearly fainted from laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1672

You deserved it

281

Favorite

By coldasfire - 29/3/2015 21:18 - United States

Today, I found out my girlfriend keeps my toenails in her deceased grandmother's prized music box. She says it's to, "Keep the box natural." I don't understand why she does this, or what she means by "natural." FML

I agree, your life sucks

27304

You deserved it

2453

Favorite

By Anonymous - 1/3/2012 16:37 - New Zealand

Today, I missed an important phone call. It's been so long since someone has called me that I didn't recognize my own ringtone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27409

You deserved it

4361

Favorite

By worriedman - 3/7/2015 15:52 - United States - Chicago

Today, my girlfriend told me that once you love somebody you can never truly fall "out of love" with them. She wasn't talking about me, she was talking about her ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27966

You deserved it

2120

Favorite

By Anonymous - 19/3/2013 19:35 - United States - Calexico

Today, I decided to turn my life around and start exercising more. I didn't even make it out the door before I tripped and fractured my ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40959

You deserved it

4708

Favorite

By NotBeingPaidEnough - 3/3/2016 13:17 - United Kingdom - London

Today, a crazy homeless guy got angry because I wouldn't sell him a bottle of vodka at half price. He got so irrationally mad, he put his fingers down his throat and threw up on my checkout. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22278

You deserved it

1304

Favorite

By Mrs. W. - 11/8/2015 00:32 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, a kid on a bike passed me and commented on my "big fat butt." Recognizing him from the neighborhood, I told my husband to go speak to his parents about the inappropriate comment. It turns out his father is the man who yesterday commented on my "big bouncing tits." FML

I agree, your life sucks

25319

You deserved it

2360

Favorite

By brown and sticky - 16/1/2020 14:00 - United States - Baltimore

Food poisoning

Today, I got food poisoning. After leaving class 4 times to poop, I sharted in the school bus on the ride home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2414

You deserved it

180

Favorite

By dinosaur - 10/1/2011 10:35 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend decided it would be fun to sit on my lap. In the process he landed on me so hard that he made me hit my head. Then when he turned around his elbow smacked into my nose causing it to break. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31099

You deserved it

3187

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Sun_Kissed18 | 25

#438151 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 23:02

Wow your fault

By ily_hun996 | 0

#438188 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 23:12

You never, EVER say, "Thank you for not checking in on me."

COMMENTS

By Sun_Kissed18 | 25

#438151 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 23:02

Wow your fault

JWCbox | 0

#438359 - Wednesday 29 July 2009 0:00

That IS really suspicious.

ShannonBananan76 | 0

#439150 - Wednesday 29 July 2009 5:34

wow...i don't even know how to respond to this...u totally deserved this

yeaboiii | 0

#441989 - Thursday 30 July 2009 7:53

Yeah I agree what were you thinking.

Next time I sneak up behind someone I'm gonna say "Wow, I'm glad you're not looking behind you right now."

turtlellama | 0

#451176 - Sunday 2 August 2009 22:10

LOL #136!

Macromartyr | 3

#1029636 - Sunday 13 June 2010 19:51

LMAO perfect

By Hermitcrab | 0

#438153 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 23:02

You deserved it...Sorry!

JazzHandsFML | 28

#6219091 - Monday 2 March 2015 16:25

don't apologize op is an untrustworthy methcake!

By Sun_Kissed18 | 25

#438156 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 23:03

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

picky_and_bitter | 0

#438331 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 23:49

lmao that comment is funny. but seriously was it fun?

By YDIdouche | 0

#438159 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 23:04

YDI.

average_girl | 0

#439143 - Wednesday 29 July 2009 5:30

i kno right! its funny how some people think they r making a smart move when its really dumb! i would never send my mom a text like that! that IS really suspicious!

realggirl | 0

#440161 - Wednesday 29 July 2009 17:17

Yeah, seriously.

eehizle | 0

#983887 - Friday 23 April 2010 2:08

you a idiot.

Lucidium | 0

#1211591 - Monday 9 August 2010 13:57

You a idiot? OH POL-EEZ

WTSchool | 0

#1548666 - Friday 15 October 2010 0:52

Oh poh-leez?

And you're complaining about grammar. Please.

geovanni | 9

#1828673 - Saturday 11 December 2010 15:01

it was different spelling to explain differing pronunciation

By Dfeline | 2

#438170 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 23:06

You have a suspicious mother, yet you still dared to throw a party?
Real smooth...

By imrealldum | 2

#438172 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 23:07

who does that?!

By ishirticapslock | 0

#438176 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 23:08

I agree with your mom. That is pretty suspicious.... YDI ;]

By regenzie | 0

#438185 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 23:11

Are you retarded? Haha YDI. Also, be a little bit more considerate of other people's houses.

By ily_hun996 | 0

#438188 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 23:12

You never, EVER say, "Thank you for not checking in on me."

SpitFyre | 0

#439138 - Wednesday 29 July 2009 5:28

"Hi mom, thx for leaving me alone at home and not checking up on me, im glad u no im trustworthy, thx again bye"

That doesn't sound suspicious at all...

FMLkaiiden | 8

#5112660 - Sunday 4 November 2012 3:11

No kidding, who does that?

By M13LO | 0

#438190 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 23:12

*smack on the head* you should of had a V8

kittykatt | 0

#438204 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 23:16

bahahaha i love those commercials!