Today, I was at my boyfriend's house. We were starting to get intimate, and I thought it would be kinky to tie his hands to his bed so he'd be more turned on. Suddenly his mom called us for dinner, but I couldn't untie him fast enough. I had to sit there, embarrassed, while his mom undid the rope. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were walking back to my car after a long day of work. A large SUV had parked next to mine, so I jokingly said to my girlfriend, "What do you think they're compensating for?" That's when the couple behind us unlocked their vehicle. FML
Today, I had to tell some of my students to stop eating glue. I teach high school. FML
Today, my crush was giving a presentation in class. I zoned out and began staring off into space - which happened to be in the exact direction of his crotch. When I realized what I was doing, I quickly looked up at his face. He was already looking at me, with an expression of severe discomfort. FML
Today, I was really psyched to go see Kung Fu Panda 2 at the movies. Excited, I tried to do a flying kick off the cafeteria wall at work. Instead of kicking off, my leg crashed through the plasterboard and got stuck. My co-workers had to pull me free. FML
Today, I was talking to my best friend about a cute guy that girls are afraid to even speak to, so I then decided to march right up to him and say hello. When he smiled at me, I stood there with my mouth wide open, but I made non-coherent words. He asked me if I was a foreign exchange student. FML
Today, I was so bored that I began searching for videos of people popping their pimples. FML
Today, I got a new set of acrylic nails put on. While driving home, I had an urge to pick my nose. My car then went over a speed-bump. I now feel like my brain is bleeding. FML
Today, I realized I'm so desperate for money that I started to watch Breaking Bad to learn how to make meth. I stopped, not because I decided it was a bad idea, but because it looks too hard. FML
Today, I pulled up to a stoplight and blew past the car beside me to merge into one lane. About 30 seconds later, I ran out of gas right in front of them. We were on a bridge, and I had to push my car all the way across. FML
Today, my dad told my mom to only drop off my sister for Thanksgiving and not me. Guess I was wrong about him wanting to work on our relationship. FML
Today, I was holding my son and smelled poop so I checked his diaper, but there was nothing there. Then I realized it was my breath. FML
Today, I faked a sore throat for the school nurse so I could go home early. It took my dad the rest of the school day just to get there to pick me up. FML
Today, while at the movies, I started making my way to the end of the row so I could pee. Others moved to make room except for a man at the end. As I tried to climb over him, I tripped and fell on top of him. When I told him I was sorry, he just smiled and said, "Mmm, don't be. I enjoyed it." FML
NewUsername tells us more.
NewUsername 26
Hi guys, OP here! Now that I have more space I'll explain a bit more. I was with my friend and she had left a bit earlier to get snacks and the man moved for her. When I left about 10 minutes later (I asked the woman next to me to please save our seats) the movie theater was really crowded. My friend and I were about 6 seats from the edge, so not too many people had to shift out of our way thankfully. Of course, as in the FML, I tripped and accidently fell on top of him, and he made his comment. Anyway, I brushed it off, taking it as a joke, and went about my day. After I used the restroom, I met my friend as she was heading back into the theater and I told her what happened. She called him a creep but didn't think anything of it either. Since she was holding the giant popcorn I let her go in front of me and the man on the end moved for her. When I went to go by, he moved back to where he was, blocking my way once again. As I stood in the walkway, I nicely asked him to move but he only laughed. "Nah, climb over me again. It was fun last time." That's when he pissed me off and I pushed his legs out of the way to force my way by. He just laughed and watched me as I walked back to my seat. Certainly not the worst thing to ever happen, but still quite an uncomfortable situation to be in!
Today, the person that interviewed me for a job was the same person I called a "fat bitch" at a baseball game after she knocked over my drink while she was dancing. She recognized me too. FML
Today, I took a picture of myself seductively eating an apple. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. FML
Today, at work, I quickly bought plane tickets on an iPad. I should have taken my time doing it, because now, thanks to autocorrect, I have two tickets for a girl with the first name of Eyelid. FML
Today, after taking a pregnancy test and carefully disposing of all the evidence so no one would find out, I realized I left the receipt for it on the bathroom counter. I noticed too late as I watch my mom step out of the bathroom, and my step-father go in right after. FML
Today, I had to admit that I hate the wedding dress that I've designed. My wedding is in a week. FML
Today, I was happy to find flowers at my desk when I came to work. Then I discovered all the women received flowers, while the men received bonus checks. Yes, because women should be paid in flowers. FML
jennisyn tells us more.
This did happen on Wednesday, April 26, aka Administrative Professionals Day. It's a service company and it just burned me up processing bonuses for the men while the women got flowers. It made the ladies feel unappreciated. The work takes everyone. As for it not appearing until Sunday, there is clearly a lag in the time in uploading a FML and it being published.
Today, we finally got paperwork saying we were approved for a loan to buy a house! The only problem? It's not eligible for the county we live in. FML
Today, on my way to work, the obese old guy in the house opposite mine offered me tips on my yoga technique. Not only were his tips helpful, but I now know I should either close my curtains or put clothes on when I do yoga. FML
Today, I got severe diarrhea while out dancing with friends. On my way home, I got hit with the urge again. I couldn't find an open toilet and I had to resort to relieving myself in an alley. FML
Today, I bought a new computer. I gave my old one to my mother. After handing it over and going home, I realised I forgot to change the background picture, a naked photo of my girlfriend. FML
Today, for the third day in a row, I have been volunteered to kill and dispose of the bugs entering my apartment. I live with two "manly" men who can't use a flyswatter. FML
Today, I was sitting on the train when some crazy man started talking to me. I ignored him, and he tapped on my shoulder. He started blabbing and I just pointed to my ears and mouthed, "I'm deaf." He stopped talking. A minute later my phone rang and I answered it without thinking. FML
Today, I held my cousin's new baby, whom I have nicknamed Canteloupe Head. He then reenacted the Exorcist by projectile vomiting all over my lap and shirt. His mom is a firm believer in karma. FML
Today, a McDonald's employee had to correct my math after counting out $2.37 in change. I'm in AP Calculus and am currently learning how to find the derivative of an inverse of a logarithm. FML
Today, I fell in love with a girl on the internet, she's great and funny. She says she's 16, but everyone keeps telling me she's only 11 and that I'm a pedophile. FML
Today, I had a piano audition for a musical. Afterwards, the judge asked if I had any experience with percussion, and then told me she was considering me for a percussion part. I guess my piano audition really was THAT bad. FML
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