Miscellaneous: Today, for the third day in a row, I have been volunteered to...

By anonymous - United States - Charlton

Today, for the third day in a row, I have been volunteered to kill and dispose of the bugs entering my apartment. I live with two "manly" men who can't use a flyswatter. FML

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Miscellaneous

Season finale

Little bundles of joy

Stuck in the middle with you

By Party Pooper - United States

Today, my housemates are throwing a huge house party to celebrate finishing their finals. It's 4:30am and people are still arriving. I have my last final in 3 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out I have an abscess in my bellybutton which causes me extreme pain and discomfort when I sit down. I am a receptionist. FML

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By dadum - Australia

Creeped out

Today, I had a stranger scream at me that I was a whore and I was trying to steal her boyfriend. She then said my full name, stating my previous hair colour, my recent activities and that her boyfriend had been my year nine dance partner. I officially have a stalker. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I realized just how much my bad sex life has started affecting me, when after not being able to climax from masturbating, I instinctively faked an orgasm. FML

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By S. - Estonia

Today, I bought a pack of toothpicks. There were 500 of them. When I got home I accidentally dropped the pack. After twenty long minutes of picking them up, I dropped them again. FML

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By "people these days" - United States - Fairfax

Today, a kid was ranting that "people these days are so rude" and that "things were much better in the '50s." Annoyed, I asked the delusional twat what was so great about the racial segregation, rampant sexism, homophobia, and all the rest back then. He responded by punching me. FML

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By Julia - New Zealand

Today, I applied for a job and sent my CV, then realised I sent the example CV I got off the internet. Now they think Bob Brown who lives at 123 Sunshine Street is applying for a job. FML

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By MrGullible

Today, I found out that not only did I pay for my wife to travel overseas to see her brother but to bang some guy half her age as well. FML

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By oheyimsarahh - United States

Today, I was sitting in social studies and someone threw a note at me. It said "Go fuck yourself, everyone hates you, just die." FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I told my boyfriend I wouldn't be able to get any time off work to go to Mexico with him, and that we'd have to get our tickets refunded, and reschedule. He said not to bother, and that he already had someone else in mind to take with him. FML

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By meep - United States

Today, I found out where my $300 worth of American Eagle and Hollister clothes had disappeared to. My 16 year old sister shredded them with scissors, took pictures of it for her Myspace and said that I deserved it for being a "conformist." All her "internet friends" said it was awesome. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2020 02:01

Thanks for the support

Today, I revealed to my parents that I'm planning on opening a food truck in the next few months. They both laughed in my face and said I'll never make any money. I've been working on this for 3 years. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my sixteen year old son told me that he's following his guidance counselor's advice: to do what his hero does for a living. The problem? His hero is SpongeBob Squarepants. His ambition in life is to become a fry cook. FML

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By rejecteddd - United States

Today, I went on a blind date. Right after I arrived there, he excused himself to go to the bathroom. He never came back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Placentia

Today, I cleaned out my house and placed multiple boxes of clothes and books in my two-seated truck to take to the Goodwill. While turning onto the highway, everything tumbled on top of me, sending me crashing into a guardrail. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2020 10:01

Artists are unpredictable

Today, I sent a tweet to my favourite artist to tell him that I loved his work. He replied that I was being rude and blocked me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Montebello

Today, my soon-to-be stepson, 13, decided that he and I needed to spend "more quality time" together. His idea? We should start "bonding" by taking a bath together. When I said no, he told me I was being unfair, and that if I really loved him, I'd do it. FML

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By dasbooot - United States

Today, I finally got my cast taken off my leg after a long month of crutches. I was so excited, until four dead spiders fell out. FML

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By evelynn - France

Today, the guy I'm seeing and I were having sex. While I was having my orgasm, he looked at me and said "SHHHH!". FML

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By fuuuudge - United States

Today, my boyfriend took me out to meet his friends. It was going really well until I left to use the bathroom and two of the girls with us came in and started talking about how creepy Matt's new girlfriend is and that they're happy he's going to dump her. My boyfriend is Matt. FML

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By rrefaat - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, I thought our CEO had clearly stated that I will only be focusing on my job, and all other stuff will not be my problem. Apparently, I was wrong, because I still get blamed for all the other departments' mistakes, even though I don't manage them. He does. FML

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By Elgrin - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I woke up to something crawling on my leg. Thinking it might be a spider, I jumped out frantically to check. The good news: it's not a spider. The bad news: it's a bedbug. My apartment was just treated for them. FML

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12798

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By Dr Pepper

I'm not sad. Or am I?

Today, to protect me from the 'bad people' out there, my mom bought some pepper spray. While trying to test it, I accidentally sprayed myself in the eyes. Now, every person I meet asks me what I've been crying about. FML

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864

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By Mushman

Today, I sharted while skiing - wearing a bib outfit and no change of clothing. FML

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By RobotUnicorn1209 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I got in trouble for punching my sister. Apparently, it still counts if it's in Minecraft and she looked like she was going to steal my stuff. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Charlotte

Today, I discovered that my best friend has been telling everyone at our workplace that I'm faking my pregnancy for attention. She was at every single one of my ultrasounds. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Aurora

Today, I went to see one of my favorite bands. They were having signings, but only the first one hundred could get one. When I finally got to the desk, they said I was number hundred and one, and to get lost. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Philadelphia

Mystery

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My husband had a vasectomy several years ago. I've been faithful the whole time, but he wouldn't believe me, even after I showed him that vasectomies can reverse themselves. FML

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15310

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By drive thru madness - United States - Amherst

Today, I was working the drive-thru. Everything was going fine until I handed a customer her order and said, "Happy Holidays". Before she drove off, she yelled, "it's Merry Christmas, bitch" and threw her coffee at the window. I'm Jewish and was trying to be polite. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my husband announced that he wants to separate emotionally. Meanwhile, he still wants me to cook and clean for him while he dates his new girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - France - Sardieu

Today, my girlfriend informed me that our relationship is an open one. This was only after I was told that when she was "stuck in traffic" two days ago, she was actually playing the triple-X version of Twister in my "best friend's" bed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent hours voluntarily decorating my town for Christmas. After a break, I came back to find someone had re-positioned the wooden reindeer to make it look like they were humping. FML

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By sick of this shit - United States - West Grove

Today, my dad opened my fridge, let rip a horrible fart into it, then closed it and said "There ya go, a little somethin' for supper." FML

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By sadex

Today, I got the earlier bus to avoid my ex after a painful breakup. He had the same idea. FML

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By Ash_The_Unicorn - 20/8/2020 14:05

Gentle

Today, after losing my father a little over 6 months ago, and finally feeling comfortable talking to my fiancé (who lives with me and my family) about it, my mother forced her way into the room and started yelling at me for crying. Her excuse, "It’s after your bedtime." I’m 20. FML

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1694

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By 50love - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. After he did, he walked over to his friends. I saw him tell them that he broke up with me. After he finished all of them cheered. FML

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33852

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By can't wait to go home - Trinidad and Tobago - Port-of-spain

Today, I lost an art contest to some talentless arsepipe whose piece was literally just a broken heart crudely drawn in her own blood. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13203

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1966

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By HowToGetFired - United States - Tampa

Today, I just finished a driving school that I thought would lower my insurance by 10%. It was 30 hours so I was glad it was over, that was until I found out I took the wrong class. FML

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22046

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By Kira - 12/6/2021 04:01

Night terror

Today, it was my first time sleeping at my boyfriend’s house. I happened to have an incredibly realistic nightmare in which I woke up to thousands of centipedes crawling all over my body. My boyfriend got to watch me scream and slap myself repeatedly. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after planning 4 months in advance and spending almost $600 to cover everyone's tickets to the event center, all of my siblings decided to bail on my 30th birthday celebration because driving 3 hours is too much. FML

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Top comments

By Strajee | 23

#6639126 - Wednesday 29 June 2016 12:34

Don't bug out. You're clearly the superior man.

By anthonydpalm | 18

#6639293 - Wednesday 29 June 2016 17:13

Bugs are no joke OP. I can understand their crippling fear.

COMMENTS

By Strajee | 23

#6639126 - Wednesday 29 June 2016 12:34

Don't bug out. You're clearly the superior man.

By FML_HelloItsMe | 15

#6639127 - Wednesday 29 June 2016 12:35

Get a wire mesh covering all your windows.And you are clearly the manly man over here.GL OP

By eragon_1490 | 7

#6639131 - Wednesday 29 June 2016 12:38

He's the Alpha, I'll get the salt..

By aGMAELSTR0M | 10

#6639136 - Wednesday 29 June 2016 12:49

Get a bug zapper and call it a day?

By sirdannyboy1 | 20

#6639143 - Wednesday 29 June 2016 13:05

They must be pretty bugged about the fact they cant even use a flyswatter.

By stryder9090 | 28

#6639144 - Wednesday 29 June 2016 13:06

Bug-A-Salt

cprad11 | 12

#6639782 - Thursday 30 June 2016 6:13

Those really do the trick. There hasn't been a bug yet that has withstood the power of the Bug-A-Salt at my home. I blasted a wasp just yesterday with it and watched it nose dive into the floor. This comment shouldn't be down-voted. The Bug-A-Salt is a valid method of getting rid of bugs at a distance for people who may fear them.