By Andy - 4/4/2020 23:00

Stoners of the world unite!

Today, I came home to my 60-something year-old father, stoned off his ass, buck naked in our living room doing a spirited rendition of Girls Just Want to Have Fun with an Australian accent and a tambourine. The windows were open. The poor neighborhood children will most likely need therapy. FML

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Instadrama

Sorry…

Breaking Badly

By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work I asked a cute, albeit slightly large customer, her name. Being hard of hearing, I thought she said "Porky" and asked her about it. Turns out she'd said Courtney. FML

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By MetalAtlas - United States

Today, I had to sell my only means of transportation, my 92 Chrysler Lebaron to a junking company because the transmission blew. When the guy finally got there, I had to shovel out the 5 feet of snow around my car, help him push it, and help him hook it up. Then his dog bit me. I only got $100. FML

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By bridezilla - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I was trying on wedding dresses with my future sister-in-law who is a little bigger than me. We tried on a similar dress and she said it looked better on me because I'm skinny. Instead of saying, 'No way' or 'It looks great on you', I accidentally said 'Yeah, I know'. FML

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By bushy brows - United States - Prior Lake

Today, I recently gave birth to my daughter, and my husband and I both have dark hair and bushy eyebrows. We never thought it was a problem until our daughter was born with a dark, bushy unibrow. Now I'm too nervous to take pictures of her 'cause our family and friends laugh every time they see her. FML

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By JD - Australia

Today, I was in my drama class and I was standing behind the curtains. My friend accidentally bumped me into the bin that was hidden behind the curtain. Everyone heard me fall and they opened the curtains. My butt was stuck in it and my knees were in front of my face. No one helped. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after dating a guy for 2 months, things seemed to be going well. I offered to buy dinner and trusted he would keep in mind that I'm a college student on a budget. He picked the restaurant, ran up the bill over $100, made me pay, and dumped me right after. FML

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By katie - France

Today, after spending a few minutes de-icing my car and leaving the heat on so it would warm up, I slipped as I was entering the car and hit my head on the door, causing it to close and lock. I'm waiting for my mom who has a spare key to come and unlock it. Class started ten minutes ago. FML

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By SophieGray - United States

Today, I went over to a guy's house for dinner. He ended up getting really drunk and started crying, telling me that I reminded him of his dead ferret. Distraught, he tearfully showed me her ashes. FML

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By annababyyyy - United States - Rockville

Today, my boyfriend pretended to be reading braille while touching my chest acne. FML

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By pokeloser

Today, my high point was still being able to recite all 151 generation one Pokémon in order, from memory. I need a life. FML

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By linked - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me using LinkedIn, a platform people use to connect with potential employers. FML

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By AlyssaBC - United States

Today, I received an e-mail from the Unemployment Department saying they had a job referral for me. After excitedly reading the description, I realised it was the job I'd just been fired from (at a much higher pay). If I don't go through the application process, I will be denied my unemployment. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Planned Parenthood

Today, I got the biggest shock in my life, I'm a mistake, and the only reason why I wasn't put up for adoption is because of the tax refunds. FML

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By Fuzy - France

Today, my Art Director once again turned down a demo model (for an advertisement) that I'd been working on for a week. This time he took his belt off and started thrashing the model to pieces. FML

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By "Levi2411"

Today, I'm babysitting. The kids have only been home at the same time together for 15 minutes. Two of them have punched each other and the other is running in circles screaming. What is wrong with this picture? FML

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By honeymoonisover - United States

Today, my husband of one week lost his wedding ring while we were preparing for a dinner party. After a thorough search and no luck, I started to cry. He told me to quit being a drama queen because we had guests. He then got drunk with his friends, puked on the patio, and called me a bitch. FML

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By ouchouchouch - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I was adjusting my nose piercing from the inside. My mother saw and thought I was picking my nose, so she slapped my hand away, tearing my nose ring out in the process. FML

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By EyupItsLucas - 24/3/2020 13:35

Directed by Alfred Hitchcock

Today, there’s been birds nesting in my wall since mid winter. They’ve recently started scratching at the wall as if they wanted to get through. This morning, they made their entrance. FML

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By Anonymous - Singapore - Singapore

Today, at my job at the mall, our music malfunctioned and now will only play the same three songs over and over again. Our manager won't let us turn it off because "the customers won't notice". FML

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By anonymous

Today, I went to the airport to start the amazing 3 week vacation in Costa Rica that I've been saving for and planning for more than a year. They wouldn't let me on the plane because my passport expires in less than 6 months. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2020 08:01

Harsh

Today, my mom screamed in my face that if she could go back in time, she’d rather have put up with the 3-minute pain of being fucked in the ass like her boyfriend wanted, because then she wouldn’t have had 13 years of pain raising me. FML

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By Anonymous - Austria

Today, the whole family came together to celebrate my grandmother's 80th birthday. My grandfather read a poem he'd written about how he had taken my grandmother's virginity 60 years ago. It went on for about 30 minutes. FML

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By eejit - Australia

Today, I told my boyfriend that I think teddy bears are THE most pointless and careless gift. He shyly gave me my birthday present afterwards. It was a carebear. FML

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By Alyxandrea Loffer - 25/5/2020 23:00

Small town blues

Today, our town is so bored that the most entertainment we got was on the local buy and sell trade page, where someone posted that they got someone else's package in the mail, and everyone in town spent 6 hours trying to guess what was in the box. It was actually the highlight of most of our day. FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, I was lying in bed with the worst stomach cramps ever. My boyfriend came, looked at me writhing in pain, and said, "Well at least if it's a tapeworm you'll get skinnier." FML

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By MLS - United States

Today, I wore the belt that my stepfather has spent 2 months needle pointing, as a finishing touch he added my initials: 'fml'. FML

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By TexasGirl24 - United States - Houston

Today, I was making a shake at work when the cup fell off the blender. I went to catch it, and instead caught the teeth of the still-spinning mixer. When my hand was still bleeding five minutes later, my supervisor told me to clock out until it stopped. I lost money for getting hurt on the job. FML

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By Lovejunkie - United States

Today, after finalizing my divorce, I decided to go out with a guy I had been ogling for months, after much anticipation and a few rounds of drinks at the bar, I was ready to roll. Much to my disappointment, his penis was so small the condom wouldn't stay on. FML

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By budapesthungary - United States

Today, at my job as a cake decorator in a bakery, I put the finishing touches on the wedding cake of the man who left me at the altar 3 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Atlanta

Today, I had to explain to a friend that the show writers for Glee did not write "Bohemian Rhapsody" and that Freddie Mercury did not steal the song from them. We're both 17 years old, and she reacted by kicking a chair at me. FML

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By Ryan - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting hot and heavy. She had her shirt off, and commented on the small size of her breasts. Trying to make her feel better, I said I dated smaller breasts. She replied by saying she'd dated bigger penises. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2020 20:00

Feelin' sexy

Today, my wife, who NEVER wants to have sex, decided that now is the time. I, of course, had to take antibiotics that make me so bloated I can’t move without extreme pain. FML

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By TextsAlot - Canada

Today, my husband has been out of town for a week. The only text I've got from him was, "I didn't take a poop today." FML

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By fishtities - United States - Dallas

Today, as a reward for starting to eating healthy, I got the squits at work. After going to the restroom, my stall didn't have toilet paper, the other two stalls didn't have any either. My boss definitely noticed too when he walked in on me with my pants around my ankles. FML

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By jesuscrip - United States - Orrville

Today, working at a fast food restaurant, I saw a woman in her late thirties pull out some hair and put it in her food, then threaten to sue me and the restaurant. She also told me no one would believe me, a teenager, when I told her I saw her put it there. FML

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By need2eat - United States

Today, I saw my parents for the first time in 11 weeks. They commented on how much weight I lost. I told how due to stress, I hadn't been able to eat anything for the past two weeks and I was basically unintentionally starving myself. They told me to keep it up. FML

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By Anonymous - Romania - Bucharest

Today, it's my first day at my new job. Unfortunately, I have a very bad cold. When my boss leaned in to show me something on the computer, I sneezed all over him. A hell of a first impression. FML

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By missmisfit - Canada - Montreal

Today, I gave my puppy a treat for finally doing his business in the grass instead of on the patio. He later puked it up all over the patio. FML

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By Anonyme - France - Mitry-mory

Today, I had an argument with my boyfriend who was accusing me of only being in a relationship with him because I'd fantasised about being with an Asian. When I told him he was wrong, he asked me what attracted me to him in the first place. "Your eyes" was definitely the wrong answer. FML

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By CMANIA - United States

Today, at work, I accidentally got ink on my white dress shirt - right by my left nipple. Absentmindedly, I licked my finger and tried rubbing the stain out. When I looked up, the Vice President was staring at me in disbelief. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 29

#7895077 - Saturday 4 April 2020 23:13

If he acted out that lyric, "Oh, Daddy, dear, you're still number one!", they'll need electroshock therapy!

By WistayShlaio82 | 13

#7895116 - Sunday 5 April 2020 4:08

People in your area get to go outside?

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7895077 - Saturday 4 April 2020 23:13

If he acted out that lyric, "Oh, Daddy, dear, you're still number one!", they'll need electroshock therapy!

By WistayShlaio82 | 13

#7895116 - Sunday 5 April 2020 4:08

People in your area get to go outside?

Reply

RichardPencil | 29

#7895127 - Sunday 5 April 2020 6:19

Yes, in most jurisdictions, being a Peeping Tom is considered "essential."

Letting exhibitionists flash from their own homes is a public health win!

By rlm2710 | 13

#7895320 - Sunday 5 April 2020 23:33

Yes. May i have is numba